I really messed up

[LadyBug1988]

So I feel like I really screwed up and I'm very upset with myself:

 

I've been spending a ton of time with a guy friend of 10 years I think I'm in love with. Saturday we had an amazing night out and he told me he thinks I'm gorgeous like a model, brilliant, I understand him and he absolutely adores me, and kinda thinks he has a chance with me but not a big one. He said he'll never let me go and I'll be his #1 forever. Then said he knows he's not the most attractive guy and would never disrespect our boundaries. He wants to be part of my life forever, he values my friendship and respects and adores me way to much to pursue me. He also said we have a huge chance of making it in a relationship, we have a better chance than most married couples.

 

I stayed quiet the entire time cause I love him as much more than a friend, but he's still living with his ex gf and casually dating a much younger family friend. He told me he decided not to go after the family friend and he's just gonna spend some time alone and get comfortable being single. We got closer physically than ever, and had a bit to drink. It sort of felt like his statements were questions, and I just didn't agree.

 

As we were leaving he was harping at whether I wanted to be just friends and I cracked. I made sure my car was separating us in the lot and just asked him how he thought I viewed him. He said he had no idea. I told him I had thought of it a million times but always talked myself out of it. His jaw literally hit the floor, and he's like "WHAT, WHY?!?!", in literal disbelief. So I told him "If we did date and it didn't work out, I'm afraid we'd hate each other. I'm afraid of loosing you forever."

 

At this point we're leaning over the roof of my car toward each other and he looks stunned. I was immediately afraid of what might have happened if he walked around the car toward me, so I abruptly told him I was leaving, got in my car and drove away.

 

On my way home he texted me "You know one day we will finish this conversation". I did not respond. We talk everyday, but two days later it was killing me and I felt so guilty. I texted him "I wussed out on you". He thought I was talking about something else, but when he realized what I was talking about he called me. I was not expecting that so I told him I'd call back.

 

I didn't plan to call back but I felt like I needed to and I did. He told me he was very confused. I told him I was sorry for running off the other night. He said it was okay, and the other girl he was interested in did exactly the same thing the week before. Then he said it was okay, we'll be best friends forever and ever and never think of it again cause he didn't want this to ruin our friendship. I said I felt guilty about it and like I had been lying to him. He said no I wasn't lying, he can read people well and I wasn't. Then he said he knew, he wasn't naive to the situation and knew. I just said ok.

 

He kept harping that I sounded unsure, that I'm a very confident person and my personality was completely different, I seemed very unsure and it wasn't helping the situation. I didn't say anything and said I needed to go, but he stopped me and asked what I wanted like 3 times. I didn't respond, and he said just friends and I finally got him to let me hang up.

 

I feel like I've screwed up BIG TIME. After all the hints he's given me these past few years, I'm just so confused and feeling like I need time away from him for a while. I'm very sad.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this quasi-relationship is holding you back from finding a real relationship. He is stringing several women along.

he's still living with his ex gf and casually dating a much younger family friend.

[SherrySher]

Why didn't you just tell him you want to be with him and ask him if he wants that too? Be straight forward, get an answer once and for all. You've already spilled the beans you may as well find out for sure if this can go further or not.

It's very unlikely now that you can return to being just friends now that he knows how you feel, so you might as well finish the conversation and be a couple or let go.It will be too awkward any other way.

[Clinton]

You can't be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for. It just leads to heartache.

 

You're either in or you're out. Have a talk with him. See if he wants to take a chance. Until you get this out of your system, you'll never find anyone.

 

Because really, you don't have anything now. A guy you're in love with who you pretend friendship for to keep him around. That's kind of pathetic.

[LadyBug1988]

Unfortunately this quasi-relationship is holding you back from finding a real relationship. He is stringing several women along.

 

This is how I sort of feel, and this is why I couldn't say anything. How can I tell him how I feel when he's 10 minutes out of a 3 year relationship, and dating someone else? If things were good and appropriate I would have, but I can't take him seriously with him living with his ex of 3 years.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. In 10 yrs he has never made a move? And now he is seeing a few people plus living with his 'ex'? You are squarely in the friendzone, or at best one of the women he's playing/getting attention from. He does not seem to want to be your bf or exclusive with anyone.

How can I tell him how I feel when he's 10 minutes out of a 3 year relationship, and dating someone else? I can't take him seriously with him living with his ex of 3 years.

[LadyBug1988]

Why didn't you just tell him you want to be with him and ask him if he wants that too? Be straight forward, get an answer once and for all. You've already spilled the beans you may as well find out for sure if this can go further or not.

It's very unlikely now that you can return to being just friends now that he knows how you feel, so you might as well finish the conversation and be a couple or let go.It will be too awkward any other way.

 

So do you think he understands I care for him as more than a friend? I honestly didn't think he got it for some reason. If he wasn't living with his on again off again ex of 3 years, and dating this family friend I would have come clean. The reason I'm so hesitant is he and this ex have broken up ten thousand times but always end up back together. She still cooks dinner and they eat together, they watch their favorite shows together, they originally broke up to work on their relationship to get back together.

 

I've hung out with this girl, been to her house, shared drinks with her. I like her, she's a good and upwardly mobile person. He was telling me all these things, and all I could think was "but you're living with your ex and casually dating this family friend! Are you bored? Are you lying? Are you on the rebound?" I held all that back because had I said that it WOULD have been awkward. I was so upset last night, couldn't stop crying thinking he doesn't really like me. I feel like it he did he'd end his "situations" breathe and come to me.

 

If he does know, I'm happy because he needed to. Now all I can think to do is pull away

[LadyBug1988]

You can't be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for. It just leads to heartache.

 

You're either in or you're out. Have a talk with him. See if he wants to take a chance. Until you get this out of your system, you'll never find anyone.

 

Because really, you don't have anything now. A guy you're in love with who you pretend friendship for to keep him around. That's kind of pathetic.

 

Do you think it's appropriate given his questionable relationship status? He's not exactly single which is the problem.

[Wiseman2]

Why even ponder this? He's flirting inapproriately with you and involved with multiple women. In these 10 years why haven't you sought a real bf?.

Do you think it's appropriate given his questionable relationship status? He's not exactly single which is the problem.

[LadyBug1988]

Why even ponder this? He's flirting inapproriately with you and involved with multiple women. In these 10 years why haven't you sought a real bf?.

 

Well, 10 years ago I was 17 and just starting at the college I met him. I was instantly drawn to him, but he never let me know how he felt. We spent tons of time together and became very close. At 21 I found a bf, I wasn't really attracted to him but he had a nice personality. The guy friend pulled away from me until the guy and I broke up because it just didn't work out. The second we broke up the guy friend came back and we started hanging out a lot again. I was stuck on my ex and decided to move across the country to start over. He begged me not to leave, and suggested we enter a "non-sexual relationship as just friends". I thought that was ridiculous and moved away.

 

We kept in touch and he got with his current ex, while I ended up in a terribly abusive relationship I ran away from. I moved back 2 years later and their relationship was failing. The ex stopped seeing me as a threat and we sort of became friends but only through him. I haven't had a real boyfriend since the bad one. I've gone on dates but they typically don't get past one date. After that bad relationship, I refuse to be treated poorly and I began picking up on red flags immediately with many of these guys.

 

As of right now, I've just finished grad school, got a new job and I'm in the process of buying a new house. I have great family and friends and get to travel. I'm okay being single and can't see myself being in a relationship unless it truly brings value to my life and not greif and hardship. He brings value, I love him, he's just complicated.

[Wiseman2]

What if gets a gf and finally decides to be emotionally faithful to her? Depending on him as your all and everything to avoid intimacy is as unhealthy as his chronic cheating. Chronically being the other woman emotionally and never being intimate with anyone is a good place?

I'm okay being single and can't see myself being in a relationship unless it truly brings value to my life and not greif and hardship. He brings value, I love him, he's just complicated.

[Hollyj]

This needs to move to his own place, and be single for at least six months. He jumps form woman to woman. Do you really want to be a part of that!

 

I would in 2017, and see if the feelings are the same.

[Hollyj]

Why even ponder this? He's flirting inapproriately with you and involved with multiple women. In these 10 years why haven't you sought a real bf?.

 

Yes. This is off. Sounds like you are setting yourself up for redound #2 position.

[LadyBug1988]

What if gets a gf and finally decides to be emotionally faithful to her? Depending on him as your all and everything to avoid intimacy is as unhealthy as his chronic cheating. Chronically being the other woman emotionally and never being intimate with anyone is a good place?

 

I never thought "emotional cheating" was a thing. I never thought of myself as the other woman! This is all sounding very unethical, I don't want to hurt anyone. I also don't want to sleep around either. I'm starting to feel like if he wanted to be with me he would, there would be no excuses. He'd go after me the way he did his ex.

[ParisPaulette]

You tell him, "Look, I like you a lot, but you are 10 minutes out of one relationship and already dating someone else. This does not look good to me and you don't look like you're stable enough right now for us to have something."

 

And you take it from there, but no I would stay away until he's stable and able to be on his own without having to slot women into his life before he's even out of the last relationship. Does the ex-girlfriend even know he's dating, does she know he's an ex or is this just what he told you?

 

That would scare me too.

 

I think right now you need to take a break from this guy altogether, a long one, and get your head together and really look past the attraction to how is he overall is with women and other people in his life and whether or not this is what's scared you off to begin with. I'm sorry, I've been friends with guys too that I'd never date, because yeah I could see how they treated other women and I knew once I simply became "another woman" I was going to get that same treatment.

 

Of course, after a time I stopped being friends with people like that, because yes how they treat others IS how they'll treat you sooner or later.

 

I'm not saying this is what's going on, but you need to take a look at it.

[Iggy5129]

This guy doesn't sound that great and from your history it sounds like you make really bad decisions about men.

 

You've moved across the country twice already because of break ups? Either you're dating really scary men or you need to learn how to deal with a breakup. You will never settle down and meet the right person if you just up and leave every time you have a break up. Did you really have nothing else going on in your life but this relationship that you can just pack up and leave?

 

Try focusing on work and yourself for once. Then you might start attracting guys who are not losers.

 

I get the impression that this guy kind of sucks. I mean he's living with an ex and seeing/talking to 2 other girls that you know of.

 

What does this man add to your life? Why do you need to be friends with him at all? I don't know why I just really get the impression that this guy is just another loser and he's holding you back from having an awesome life.

[Hollyj]

I would bet that the current girl, has no idea she may be on the way out, as he is lining you up as a replacement. This is what you should be looking at, because I think that this is terrible. If he is not happy with her, then he should end it, not transition, from woman to woman.

 

Currently, you're part of a stable/harem of three. This guy requires a lot of ego stroking. Is this what you want in a boyfriend?

[Wiseman2]

But it is. He seems to have you in this not a bf but flirty friend holding pattern, he doesn't care that it's emotional cheating. Sleeping around has nothing to do with avoiding intimacy or dating available single men properly rather than buzzing around taken men as 'their friend'.

I never thought "emotional cheating" was a thing. I never thought of myself as the other woman!

[LadyBug1988]

You tell him, "Look, I like you a lot, but you are 10 minutes out of one relationship and already dating someone else. This does not look good to me and you don't look like you're stable enough right now for us to have something."

 

And you take it from there, but no I would stay away until he's stable and able to be on his own without having to slot women into his life before he's even out of the last relationship. Does the ex-girlfriend even know he's dating, does she know he's an ex or is this just what he told you?

 

That would scare me too.

 

I think right now you need to take a break from this guy altogether, a long one, and get your head together and really look past the attraction to how is he overall is with women and other people in his life and whether or not this is what's scared you off to begin with. I'm sorry, I've been friends with guys too that I'd never date, because yeah I could see how they treated other women and I knew once I simply became "another woman" I was going to get that same treatment.

 

Of course, after a time I stopped being friends with people like that, because yes how they treat others IS how they'll treat you sooner or later.

 

I'm not saying this is what's going on, but you need to take a look at it.

 

I really appreciate this response, he's probably telling his maybe ex-girlfriend he's living with all the same things he's telling me. About how he loves her, about how he doesn't want to loose her, about how she's special to him, how she's his #1 and everything else. Maybe she thinks she's in a happy relationship again, I know for certain she doesn't know about the family friend.

 

Maybe he does care for me and knows he'll never be able to emotionally commit to one woman. Maybe that's why he says he values and respects me too much to date me. I asked him "aren't you supposed to respect and value the woman you're with?" He responded "now we're getting into something else". He knows his flaws, he asked me if I was dating a guy who had the same relationship with a woman as he does with me would I be okay with it? The answer was "no". He said "people just don't understand".

 

I can't do something I wouldn't be okay with. I think he knows if we ever dated, he'd do the same thing to me too. I sort of feel like not giving him a reason for my distance and to stop answering his calls altogether.

[LadyBug1988]

But it is. He seems to have you in this not a bf but flirty friend holding pattern, he doesn't care that it's emotional cheating. Sleeping around has nothing to do with avoiding intimacy or dating available single men properly rather than buzzing around taken men as 'their friend'.

It seems like he needs triple security.

[LadyBug1988]

This needs to move to his own place, and be single for at least six months. He jumps form woman to woman. Do you really want to be a part of that!

 

I would in 2017, and see if the feelings are the same.

 

Should I cut him off clean? Or should I straight up tell him how the situation makes me feel before doing it?

[Wiseman2]

That's one of the best players' lines yet. Could also be a great break-up line. Or just general purpose bs line...it's quite versatile

 

he says he values and respects me too much to date me.

[Hollyj]

I would be done. He knows what he is doing. You deserve better!