Healing and getting over a crush.

[luca3434]

I am in my 40s, divorced last year and have had a really painful crush on a woman I have known for some time that sadly has not been reciprocated.

 

I am doing all the right things such as avoiding her despite being placed firmly in the friend zone by her, avoiding social media contact, and basically trying to focus on other things.

I have gone from the denial stage a few weeks ago to the sadness and accepting stage now. I just cannot get the whole thing out of my mind, and the craziest little things keep on reminding me of her, which can then make me feel down for a bit.

I have actually slightly fallen out with her just now, although I am sure I will be put back in the dreadded friend zone soon

Any tips or advice as I feel like a hopeless teenager and am really ashamed of myself.

[Zippy2000]

You remind me of me. I ve been in this situation before. Please realise when you avoid someone they will come looking for you. It doesnt mean they want to be with you but they will check up if you are ok.

 

When I was in this situation. What I did was to distract my self and catch up with old friends. i took upcycling again and went on long distance runs. I used to feel really lonely when I went on my bike runs but over time I found out who I was and what i wanted.

 

It took a long time to get her out of my head. Four years of emotional turmoil but over time the pain esaed.

 

So if you have to. Take up a new hoppy, do some self development.

[Clinton]

Did you actually date her?

[luca3434]

Did you actually date her?

 

The thing is, I know deep down she is wrong for me...too volatile and probably too high maintainence. I am seeing someone else who I know deep down is much more right for me, and who I think in time will have a good chance of developing into something special. I just want to get this other person out of my mind for good.

[Clinton]

The thing is, I know deep down she is wrong for me...too volatile and probably too high maintainence. I am seeing someone else who I know deep down is much more right for me, and who I think in time will have a good chance of developing into something special. I just want to get this other person out of my mind for good.

 

Once again, did you actually date her?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately there is just too much in the mix right now. Your divorce, the woman you are seeing and this friendzone crush. Maybe you are juggling too much?

I am seeing someone else who I know deep down is much more right for me, and who I think in time will have a good chance of developing into something special. I just want to get this other person out of my mind for good.

Same friendzone woman?

[luca3434]

Unfortunately there is just too much in the mix right now. Your divorce, the woman you are seeing and this friendzone crush. Maybe you are juggling too much?Same friendzone woman?

 

 

Yes it is the same woman.

[luca3434]

Once again, did you actually date her?

 

Not really, no. She was a friend anyway and kept changing her mind.

[Clinton]

Ahhh, yes, I remember this now. I hope you've let your current girlfriend go. It would be sad if you were still pretending to care for her while being in love with another woman.

 

I'd suggest counseling. This is all in your head. There was never a relationship or chance of one here. This obsession of yours is not healthy and needs to be dealt with.

[luca3434]

Ahhh, yes, I remember this now. I hope you've let your current girlfriend go. It would be sad if you were still pretending to care for her while being in love with another woman.

 

I'd suggest counseling. This is all in your head. There was never a relationship or chance of one here. This obsession of yours is not healthy and needs to be dealt with.

 

 

I do care very deeply about my girlfriend, and I believe we can be very happy together.

[Iggy5129]

Please stop dating until you are healed from your divorce. Which will probably take another year.

 

Otherwise you will just leave a path of hurt/used women behind you.

[Clinton]

I do care very deeply about my girlfriend, and I believe we can be very happy together.

 

I believe you are deluding yourself.

[Sportster2005]

I am in my 40s, divorced last year and have had a really painful crush on a woman I have known for some time that sadly has not been reciprocated.

 

I am doing all the right things such as avoiding her despite being placed firmly in the friend zone by her, avoiding social media contact, and basically trying to focus on other things.

I have gone from the denial stage a few weeks ago to the sadness and accepting stage now. I just cannot get the whole thing out of my mind, and the craziest little things keep on reminding me of her, which can then make me feel down for a bit.

I have actually slightly fallen out with her just now, although I am sure I will be put back in the dreadded friend zone soon

Any tips or advice as I feel like a hopeless teenager and am really ashamed of myself.

 

I think the best tried and true solution is to go no contact. You can explain it to her, or not.

 

Unrequited love is one of the worse sufferings in the world. No contact may seem extreme, but unrequited love is extreme suffering.

 

You have no reason to feel shame.

[SoulTaker]

Same friendzone woman?

 

Good job Wiseman in referring back to his previous thread.

 

She is a bit of an attention seeker even at the age of 42 and to be honest is quite selfish, harsh and potential to be hurtful. When my marriage was ending I saw her as a possible love interest for all the wrong reasons and although never acted on anything, I developed a stupid crush on her that never went away.

 

Moving forward to last month, and the feelings got too much and I told her my feelings for her. She was first of all very flattered and excited and sent the right signals out. I was prepared to end my relationship there and then with my girlfriend before embarking on anything. A few days later however she had what she called a wobble, and the right signals she was sending out turned to me being put well and truly in the dreaded Friend Zone, as she said she was too mixed up and damaged for a relationship and would only hurt me.

 

Op, you've been on this earth for too many years to be in this type of situation. You need to quickly figure out what this "crush" means. Is it looks, is it the way she can handle you,... This is teenage stuff. Once you get to the root of the matter (crush), then you can take steps to move away from this woman.

 

To most mature adults, any type of "crush" will go away once a person realizes that the object of their attention isn't the right person for them, or is not looking out for their best interests.

[lostlove76]

I'm more concerned for the woman you're currently dating. This is SO not fair to her. You say she's great and you could have something special with her. Then why are you entertaining thoughts of another woman?? You say you can't control it, but you've allowed it to reach this point, all while dating someone else. Just really unfair. I don't even know what to advise. Sounds like your girlfriend is going to end up hurt either way - whether you break up with her for her own good, or keep seeing her while having all these feelings for someone else.

[lostlove76]

From your previous thread:

 

Moving forward to last month, and the feelings got too much and I told her my feelings for her. She was first of all very flattered and excited and sent the right signals out. I was prepared to end my relationship there and then with my girlfriend before embarking on anything.

 

So you went behind your girlfriend's back and told this other woman you have feelings for her, and thought about dumping your girlfriend for her. It didn't work out as you had hoped, so you stuck with your current girlfriend. Sorry, but your current girlfriend deserves much better than this. I know I'm being harsh, but I'm calling it like I see it.

 

ETA: Depression is not a good excuse to be selfish.

[luca3434]

From your previous thread:

 

 

 

So you went behind your girlfriend's back and told this other woman you have feelings for her, and thought about dumping your girlfriend for her. It didn't work out as you had hoped, so you stuck with your current girlfriend. Sorry, but your current girlfriend deserves much better than this. I know I'm being harsh, but I'm calling it like I see it.

 

ETA: Depression is not a good excuse to be selfish.

 

 

Yes....that is pretty much the case.

I hate myself for beeing this way, and for the feelings I have had for this OW who I know is bad news. I have never been like this in the past, or will ever be again.

I want to just treat my girlfriend as best I can and see where our relationship takes us.

[HighRoad]

Whenever I have a crush on someone, or very strong feelings and they are not being reciprocated, then I try and look at myself and ask: what is it about this person that I 1) either want to have for myself or 2) reminds me of something from my early life.

 

Are they artistic? popular? outgoing? funny? whatever it is about them that I like, can I give that to myself? do I want to be funny, popular, artistic? yes, that is often the reason we crush on others. We really want to be like them. Or, there may be some hidden behavior that reminds me of an abusive relative. Only you can sort this out.

 

When something is unhealthy for me I need to stop and look into it and understand the why and how of it, before I can let it go. Look within yourself and see what this woman is bringing up in you that needs you attention. Heal it, then you will be free. And, that will be the gift that that relationship will have given you. Like they say, it's all good. : )