Should I give an explanation?

[fuzzybunny92]

Hi all, I've been posting on this site a lot lately and everyone's advice helps a lot. I am having a hard time right now and really need some help.

 

My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago (after getting back together for 2 weeks). He broke up with me and I moved out of our place. We were together 2.5 years. I tried no contact but caved on July 4th and ever since then it's been a mind fu$$ for me. I hung out with him July 9th on a Friday and we had such a great time together. We have great chemistry and it felt nice, like old times (when we would get along). Of course I ended up having sex with him. He was super sweet and cooked me dinner, made me breakfast (I stayed the night that night) and I just wondered why we couldn't always be like this. We hung out again on Sunday and he made the effort to come see me (I initially declined because I was worried I was being used), he bought tickets at the movies and even held my hand. Then he asked me to spend the night (we already had sex earlier, so that wasn't the reason) but I said no because I had to wake up early the next day and didn't have anything on me. The next day I could tell he was upset and I called him, he was crying saying he doesn't understand why we couldn't be the way we've been recently and he's confused. I tried to make him feel better and he sent me a good night and a good morning text. On Tuesday I went to a concert and he told me I was welcome to spend the night afterwards. I told him I'd get there late and he said it doesn't matter to him. I ended up spending the night and we had sex. He told me everything I wanted to hear. That he can't see himself with anyone else, he sees us having a future together and even told me he wanted to give me a key to the apartment. He also told me he loved me. The next day (Wednesday) he seemed distant, didn't give me the key like he said he would and didn't talk to me the rest of the day. I found out that night he was talking to girls and asking them to hang out and liking their pictures on Facebook. I was heartbroken and confused. The next day (Thursday) I called him asking if I could stop by to drop off some clothes for his younger sister before I went out with a friend who lived in the same apartment complex as him (where I also used to live). He still seemed distant but told me I could stay the night.

 

Well, here's where it gets crazy. I am not a bad person by any means, I have anxiety and have been under so much stress going through this break up lately that I do sometimes use alcohol to forget about my feelings. It's hard for me to control my emotions. My C-diff even came back just recently because of this crazy stress. So I went out and my so called friends left me drunk and passed out in an alley (they're no longer my friends, trust me) I was robbed and ended up in detox because my parents couldn't get there in time to get me from the cops. My ex tried to pick me up but they wouldn't let me out so he stayed the night in the parking lot and picked me up as soon as I got out. My mom was there too. He took me home and bought me breakfast and made sure I took a shower and was okay. I was very grateful for him doing that and it showed me he obviously does care about me. He said I called him when I was drunk crying and blaming him for me drinking so much (I know it's my fault, no one has to tell me that). I apologized and we went to the mountains that day to go four-wheeling and camping. We, again, had so much fun together and he kissed me while we were looking at the view and told me I give him butterflies and that he loves being with me. He said it felt like the first time we hung out. I agreed and told him maybe we need to start over. He agreed. So the day goes on and we camp and I can tell he's acting weird again. When we lay down to go to sleep I ask him if he wants a future with me and he doesn't answer, saying he doesn't know. I tell him if he loves me why can't we just be together and he starts crying because he says he doesn't know what he wants and he's worried we wont get along. I tell him we can work on our issues, there just has to be an effort from both sides and we can get through anything. He doesn't respond and we go to sleep. The next morning he's acting weird and distant again and when we get back to the apartment I start to cry because I'm confused. He gets mad because I'm being emotional and can't just "let things be", I always have to ask questions. I tell him I'm not trying to put pressure on him I'm just confused because it seems as though I'm getting false hope. He says one thing one day and it goes away the next. I just want to know he feels the same as me and he says that he doesn't know what will happen in the future or what he wants. He says we both may move on and I tell him I wont, I want to work on myself for a while, but then reconcile and have a successful and happy future with him. He's distant the rest of the day and is mad at me for bringing up emotions. I feel like I always push him away when I try to communicate with him about our relationship. He says things from the head instead of the heart and it really confuses me, because I'm an emotional, loyal and loving girl and I feel as though he knows I would be there whenever he wanted me to be there. He even told me my feelings for him are way stronger than his, but it doesn't mean they are not there. He told me he wants to be friends, but I have to know he'll want to hug and kiss me because his feelings are there and he loves me (?). I really don't know what he wants!!!

 

So we have sex yesterday (we didn't since Tuesday) and then watch a movie and I go home. I text him telling him I'm home safe, thanking him for everything and saying I had a lot of fun with him, but sorry if I overstepped my boundaries. He is short and says You're welcome, I had fun too, night. Now he hasn't talked to me all day and I feel like I'm even more stressed then I was right after the breakup.

 

I'd love to be friends with him in time, but I'm so worried he's going to move on to someone new and forget about me completely. I just know I'm destroying myself by continuing to go back to him because I love him so much and I get built up on false hope and end up crying or thinking every night I'm not with him. I hate feeling like this, but I don't want to lose him either. I want a future with him, what if I never find anyone else?

 

Anyways, my question is should I tell him I need time to work on myself and heal and if he thinks I'm worth the trying and effort in the future then we will see what happens? Because he obviously doesn't think I am worth it and it's tearing me apart. I love him so much, maybe a little too much.

 

I'm so sorry this was so long, thank you for any advice. Just so everyone knows, I did make an appointment with a therapist after getting yelled at by my parents about what happened over the weekend.

[Wiseman2]

before you have this under better control you may be too vulnerable for relationships.

I do sometimes use alcohol to forget about my feelings. It's hard for me to control my emotions. So I went out and my so called friends left me drunk and passed out in an alley (they're no longer my friends, trust me) I was robbed and ended up in detox because my parents couldn't get there in time to get me from the cops. I called him when I was drunk crying and blaming him for me drinking so much

[ParisPaulette]

First off, I am very glad you're safe now. What a terrible experience and I don't probably need to tell you it could have gone so much worse than it did.

 

Next, I'm going to be blunt here. Your ex may still care to some degree BUT he doesn't care enough to just come back to you. He wants to explore his other options and in the meantime he has you to give him sex when he wants it, to ease his loneliness AND to remind him that since you want him so much some other girl out there will too, so of course he's looking for that other girl right now.

 

All you're doing is making the consequences of his actions so much easier. He gets to play the hero, to keep you in his pocket, but as soon as he meets another girl that he feels something may be with and she gives him the time of day he will drop you unceremoniously and with a resounding thud. And will only come back to start this all over again when or if that girl dumps him.

 

You know in your heart of hearts you're just the backup girl now who has accepted a total demotion from girlfriend to bed partner, someone I pass time with when I'm lonely and no other girls will date me. Come on, you know there's no confusion here. He does care, but not enough to come back and you both are delaying the inevitable.

 

Also, you need to take a look at this, if someone is going to cause you to put your very life at risk maybe that says why this relationship shouldn't work, should be done, and why you should learn not to be so codependent on someone else for your happiness that you will gladly trade away your personal safety and yes, even life away.

 

I know it was supposed to be romantic when the heroine did that in those sparkly vampire novels and I cringed so hard over the message that was sending out to young women everywhere. Risk death just to try to bring someone back to your side. Seriously, I personally hate those novels for that one message alone. And you just went and pulled a Bella and I'm kind of not being flattering about that.

 

You need to tell this guy either he is all in and you're a couple again or he is all out and you won't be his emotional crutch any more. And if he contacts you it's to get back together or not at all. Then you go home, block his number, go through the proper grieving period and heal and see a therapist to deal with the issues that have brought you to this.

 

Please take note, this entirely messed up situation just nearly cost you your life. I'm sure you read the media, I'm sure you are well versed in a certain court case that had someone getting a slap on the wrist after a passed out young woman woke up with bandages on her hands and in the middle of a legal crap storm that she then had to rise above just to put her life back together. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not you or anyone else for that matter, no not even my worst enemy. But you could have been there too. And true, while part of this is you, part of it his actions too. In your state this guy IS taking full advantage of your vulnerability whether he or you want to call it that or not, whether it's malicious or he just can't deal with the fact he doesn't want you as a partner but doesn't like being alone and being turned down by other women.

 

It still has brought you to this point and I would think for your own sanity you should be looking for an exit. Not pining over someone that to some degree through his own actions brought you to this. True you didn't and shouldn't have contacted him and slept with him. He also shouldn't have engaged you by taking you out, having sex with you, and then implying you two would get back together while he's also busy seeing if he can get other women to be as gaga over him as you are.

 

For the sake of your own sanity and safety you need to cut things off with him for good, go get into therapy, put your own life back together. Stop handing the keys of your happiness over to other people who take advantage of that. You actually can do this if you decide you want to do it.

[ParisPaulette]

It's also concerning to me that even after that all happened and he knows you're so vulnerable that you nearly got yourself killed he still helped himself to sex with you afterwards. And then had the nerve to get mad at you for "emotions" when he knows damned well he is taking advantage of you and sending out mixed signals.

 

You don't understand his arguing that you should just let things be is simply him telling, "Let's continue to enjoy sex while we stay single and I keep looking, because that's what I want."

 

I'm sorry, but a truly good person who loved you and wanted the best for you wouldn't be taking advantage of someone in such an emotional state. He'd be feeling like total crap over what happened and then being honest and telling you he was going to let you go, because it was out of control. NOT continuing to help himself and then getting mad at you when you question his motives--WHICH YOU TOTALLY SHOULD BE DOING.

 

Seriously, does this guy kick puppies too? That's kind of the level of cruelty I'm seeing here.

[fuzzybunny92]

Thank you so much. Everything you said helps me a lot and I cried reading it. Thank you for not being condescending and straight forward. You don't know how much I needed to hear everything you just said I feel so empty and alone lately. I still have some stuff to get from the apartment, so I was thinking about stopping by soon and since I don't want to say this over text do you think I should write a letter and say goodbye in person and have that be it? Or should I do it over the phone or in person? I just want out, but I want to do it the right way. I want to heal and have him really understand how I feel, but I think if I say it in person he'll turn everything on me and make me feel like I'm the problem. He's very good with his words and it's hard for me to explain my feelings to where he doesn't think I'm pressuring or criticizing him.

[kbbcoop77]

If you go see him in person its likely you'll end up having sex again and yada yada and feel confused the next day when he switches back to Mr Unavailable. I would have someone else get your stuff and go no contact. Maybe he'll see the light and come back with an offer of commitment but maybe not. Don't settle for being treated like his punch board. If he can't commit but you keep in contact having sex he's getting the best of both worlds and you're getting misery. You need some self esteem. You're just being used. Make him experience life without you in it.

[randy33]

My dear, sending you love. I promise it will be ok..

[fuzzybunny92]

Thank you for the kind words. I hope it gets easier.