What if I don't love her?

[Unsurefuture]

OK, so I'm dating a girl right now for the last 5 months. Quick back story, we was friends with benefits for almost three years and she always had a thing for me. But I was convinced we was just friends. After she freaked out about me dating another girl, I confronted her about her feelings and we decided to part ways, and she moved 4 states away. For 3 months she would get drunk and text me telling me she loved me and I would never respond. I did miss her, but was trying to give space between us. Well one night we ran into each other when she was home visiting and we caught up and I really was glad to talk to her again. At the time I thought it was because I loved her. Anyways, she moved back and we started dating. We are now 5 months in and I don't feel any connection to her. We rarely have any kind of physical relations (not just sex, snuggling, kissing, hugging, sitting together on the couch) and she keeps telling me she loves and calling me her love but I don't feel that Im in love with her. I'm never excited to see her or go out with her. I was gone all weekend and hardly talked to her (was at a bachelor party) and didn't miss her at all. When I was driving home, I wasn't excited to see her. I was simply heading home. We don't really have anything in common. I enjoy intellectual conversation, she doesn't. I like nerdy things, she doesn't. I'm a very talkative person (salesperson by trade actually haha) and me and her can go whole evenings barely talking. I feel like I should break up with her, but I'm wondering if this is just a "spell" or something that couples go through? Or is there really just too many differences between us? I did miss her when she moved out of state, but now that we are dating, it seems like we aren't a good match.

 

Need some solid advice on this!!

[Fancycouch]

I believe you should break up, and tell her the truth gently. This relationship probably won't go anywhere..

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you were better off as fwb. You have to let her know because stringing her along when she's saying ily etc. will backfire. Just tell her it's not working out.

we was friends with benefits for almost three years and she always had a thing for me. But I was convinced we was just friends. We are now 5 months in and I don't feel any connection to her. I'm never excited to see her or go out with her. it seems like we aren't a good match

[Almira23]

Unsurefuture, honestly, you have to sit her and down and explain to her that you don't have feelings for her. Don't drag this along for another 5 months. You may just end up resenting her. With resent towards her, you may unintentionally treat her badly which would cause he to leave you and have a very terrible opinion about you.

You shouldn't feel bad about the way you feel. You gave it a try, but like you said you do not love her and are not attracted to her romantically.

[ParisPaulette]

You need to break up with her now and stop it. Just, I know you don't see it, but I read this and just I feel so bad for that woman. Try and see it from her viewpoint, man. She's thinking, "At last we're together!" And you're over here, "Nah, nope, don't miss her at all. Nada."

 

I just can't believe you let this go on for four months. You'll do more damage to her if you tell her four years from now, "Oh by the way, I never loved you," than if you just get honest now and say you tried, but you don't feel the same and you need to walk away now and stop leading her on. And you do just that and never contact her again.

 

Yes, she'll cry and be upset. But not one-tenth as much as if you let this all go on until you blurt it out one day or do something horrible like cheat on her. Telling someone four months in, "I am not in love with you and this isn't working for me, I'm ending it," is much kinder than continue a charade. And no, at four months in you two shouldn't be running out of things to talk about. Five years with the same man he and I still can sit up all night talking. I can't even fathom being with someone I couldn't do that with.

 

At four months trust me she will recover a lot faster from being dumped than she will down the road the longer you let this go on. I've had someone I dated and fancied do that to me at five months in. Sure I cried and was upset, but then the anger set in of "Wait, he just wasted five months of my time and never felt like we were a good match, but kept coming around making me think we had something?"

 

And yes, I got over him, but his dishonesty was what hurt the most. It's dishonest to pretend you have feelings you don't. Don't you think she deserves better than that? And yes, you too.

[Zaphod]

We are now 5 months in and I don't feel any connection to her.

 

Ockhams razor suggests - what the hell are you doing with her then?

 

If I didn't feel a connection with a woman, I wouldn't be with her five minutes, let alone 5 months.

[HeartGoesOn]

At the very least, have some respect for her as a human being, and set her free. Apparently you're "playing" her to the max, and my heart goes out to her.

[annie24]

You should break up. Time to rip off the bandaid. This time, don't try to get back together, it's obvious you're not compatible.

[Capricorn3]

I agree with all the above posts. Stop messing with her and end it once and for all.

[leseine7]

Even the way you word the beginning bugged me. "She was always into me.... she would text me and I wouldn't reply..." etc. It is clear that not only have you had very little feelings for her, but also a complete lack of respect.

 

You've really duped her into thinking you guys have something pretty serious now, and that is not okay. If you're confused about your feelings, you spend time with the person to see how they develop - you don't launch into "I love you"s and sleeping with them and frankly leading them on. You have never been a fwb with her, because you're not really a friend to her at all. She's been someone to satisfy urges with and to experiment 'love' with.

 

Break it off. Now. Quit flattering yourself with how much she loves you while you could care less. It's obnoxious. You gave it a shot and it didn't work out, end scene.

[jujusamples]

Once you agree to FWB, that's actually pretty much the end of the friendship once when it's done! That's the risk you take with a friend. That's all fine if you both agree to the FWB. The leading her on, knowing you don't have feelings for her is just wrong! You obviously don't because you would have made her your girlfriend in the first place. You just wanted the sex without any strings attached. You need to man up and just tell her the truth. Yes, stop thinking you are all that and let the poor girl go.

[adriansmom]

just be honest with her and brake up. Trust me if you were in love or had stronger feelings you would've been feeling the complete opposite. Thats how it was with me and the person im with now. I gave it a try and we ended up being together till today, its been 3 years and a half; and i love him deeply, but since he dont seem like my match i dont feel completely happy, and its hard to let go after you get used to that person. Do it now before it's too late.

[brian1024]

I had a similar situation with a past fling. The thing is when a girl is obsessed with you and you keep "dangling" yourself in their face and never let them have you...it makes you feel good about yourself. like you feel powerful and keeping her around is a boost. But now that you let her have you, maybe she let off the pedal a bit, maybe you subconsciously know that now their isn't a spontaneous moment of you actually texting her back and making her so happy and you kind of smirking out of how pathetic that chick for how much impact you have on her life, when you dont want her back.

Obviously you should break up before you "go too deep", where she actually loves you, and you have to break her heart.

[raqueljones]

I think you need to man up & just tell her.