Should I Bother?

[qwaspolk82]

So one of my former best friends is one of my ex's twin sisters. I have known them since they were about 14 or so and I'm about 4 years older. Initially I met his family because my best friend from childhood dated his brother. I used to drive her there after I got my license and basically was her chauffer for a little while. I think his sisters felt a little sorry for me that I would sit there while my friend and her bf would go downstairs and make out or whatever. I started hanging out with them and we stayed friends. I have been called "aunt" by their kids since birth for all of them. They said they considered me a sister. We have nicknames for each other.

 

Well three years ago Twin A met this guy who is originally from like New Mexico or something. I'm not sure how he ended up in the Midwest honestly. Maybe some family had lived here I can't remember. It was about July 2013 she introduced me to a guy she said she had just met a couple weeks before and interested in. I was glad for her because she had been in an abusive relationship with her kids' father and had been taking care of the four girls on her own. His family actually helped some after he went to prison. She found out she was pregnant with the youngest of the four when he was in prison. She dated here and there but I knew she was lonely.

 

So she introduced me to him and immediately I got a bad vibe. Kind of like creeper vibe but he just tried way too hard to be nice. I could tell he wasn't being himself. At all. It was just awkward and weird. When she asks me what I thought of this guy I said "Well if you like him I guess..." She got really defensive and said "Well my brother's not that good looking." I said well he's your brother, has nothing to do with this situation and if YOU think he's attractive you can date him. As I was talking to the guy he mentioned something about a 20 year old daughter who has two kids. I remembered he said he was 35 then so did the math and he said yeah she was born when he was young. So I joked to my friend "You wanna date a grandpa?" She said "Shutup." Anyway - I really had no clue that things were going to move as fast as they did with her and this guy. Or I would've said exactly how I felt but I thought I had more time.

 

It seemed like a couple weeks later I came to visit again and this guy is already spending the night and practically living with her. Disciplining her kids and at that time I could tell it bothered her but she didn't stop him. No physical discipline but contradicting her in front of the kids which irritated me honestly too. About a month after I met him she texts me that they're engaged. My response: "Really? Isn't this going fast?" She didn't like that. She got mad at me a little. But she assured me they were going to wait two years.

 

Then after I found out I was pregnant later that year, she texts me about how she's disappointed and upset I am giving her brother another chance after what he had done to me at that point. I agreed with her that everything she said was right. I said I'm probably making a mistake but I feel like I need to see if we can make things work or not. I said if it doesn't, it doesn't. Then I brought up her then boyfriend/fiancé whatever. I just told her that I didn't really care for her being with him anymore than she wanted me to be with her brother. She got super defensive. Super defensive. I used to tell her I didn't like her baby daddy and she would get somewhat defensive of him but not this bad. There's when the relationship strained although she had already distanced herself from me and everyone around her especially if they didn't like him. Not one single person who I talk to who has met him likes this guy. No one. My former stepdaughter met him and after said "That guy is weird. He creeps me out." Then we were at the hospital Feb 2014 when her dad had a mild stroke. I was pregnant. Hormonal. This guy said something stupid and I probably was a little too sarcastic but I'm like that with a lot of people. SHe messaged me that she wasn't happy about how I treated him.

 

Less than a year later they got married (2 years ago now). Weekend before my daughter was born actually. I went to the wedding as I was surprisingly invited but I didn't say anything.

 

March last year (2015) we aren't talking hardly by this point. She still has me on FB but she doesn't call, text, message. Doesn't ask me to come over anymore. Well March comes and their mom calls saying how Twin A's husband comes home and says he doesn't love her, wants a divorce, he's moving back to New Mexico. I said good. I hope she lets him go. Then I texted her and asked if she wanted to talk. She said she would call me later after work. Then their mom calls and says "Well she can't call you because he got mad at her and broke her phone." That pissed me off. She was simply trying to call his uncle who she had developed a friendship with and tell him what was going on and he didn't want her to call him and took her phone and smashed it.

 

So I messaged him on FB and I told him off. I told him if he ever broke her stuff or ever hurt her or those girls he would have a world of hurt rain down on him. I told him he's just a coward and not a man and all kinds of stuff. He simply replied "FU hole." I have no clue what that means. He said it again after I told him that. I texted Twin B and told her that maybe she needs to get her husband, their dad, brothers and go take care of this guy. Twin A calls me after seeing it (they work together) and is mad at me. "Why did you say that?" I said "Well he broke your phone for no reason." She said "Well my brother broke your face and you stayed with him." (No he didn't break my face or anything on me). I said We aren't talking about me and why would you want to be like me? We're talking about you. This is how it starts. You know that. This will only escalate. She argues with me and hangs up. I got mad and told him off some more and said thanks for taking my friend. Eventually she gets on his FB and messaging me. First I thought it was him but she writes slightly more educated than he does.

 

So she goes on and just starts calling me vile names and I'm a b* and all this crap. Calling me crazy. I tried not to resort to that for so long but I had enough and called her names. (Twin B saw our messages and said we were both out of line). Then they try to say they're going to report me for threatening him. I never said I would hurt him if he hurt her. But the fact she would risk me going to jail which risks my daughter's well being and didnt' care? Didn't care about her niece at all? I told her that she said "We tried to warn you." They didn't call anyone.

 

But that pretty much broke my heart. She blocked me for awhile and after I filed for divorce from her brother she tried to call but I said I wasn't ready to talk to anyone at that point and our relationship was strained. So when I did feel ready to talk, she didn't answer. She had unblocked me at that point. She did refriend me. But every attempt I made to see if we could meet and talk things out she didn't answer. She didn't come to my daughter's party last year because I said he couldn't come. She told Twin B "If he's not invited, I'm not invited." She didn't invite me to her daughter's parties last year or this year which hurts because they have been nieces and one is my goddaughter.

 

She blocked me again earlier this year. She had posted on FB "Why do people feel the need to spread rumors? Why can' they just come talk to me if they have questions?" I simply said "Some people try and you just turn them away and block them from your life." That was it. I get a message later saying "Well just to let you know I deleted your comment because I didn't want to fight and I'm getting rid of all the negativity." I was like "I didn't know you did and wouldnt' have if you hadn't messaged me. What was negative?" She wouldn't say she just kept saying removing negativity and all this. I'm like what was negative? You turned me away, your mom and anyone else who questions your husband. I did act a little childish after by posting memes about fake friends. That's when she blocked me again but she seems like a fake friend.

 

She did unblock me but I haven't talked to her in a long time. A few times at their mom's but otherwise she doesn't talk to me. Her stupid husband will say "Hey how are you doing?" the few times I see him and I know he does it to piss me off. He knows I can't stand him. At all.

 

I have messaged her a few times I asked fi she ever got pictures from the wedding because her aunt took some of me and my ex and I was pregnant and I thought it might be nice for my daughter to have. Show her it wasn't always bad with us. And I have very few of me pregnant. She didn't answer. Last year I messaged her that it was messed up she went to her nephew's party the weekend after my daughter's and not my daughter's.

 

I know I don't need people like that in my life but should I ever reach out to her again? Would it be more likely she'll talk if she ever leaves him or he leaves her? Or is it a lost cause? We were super close for so long and she even said I was her best friend above her twin at one point. Her ex's mom told me at the girls' party he wasn't there. He went back to NM for who knows what and she was acting like her old self. Then I heard from Twin B's sister in law that when Twin A let the ex's family start seeing the kids again, one of them had a bruise on her stomach and they asked her what happened she said "I forgot." At this point I hear a lot of disturbing things about those kids but I have no proof to call CPS. I'm more worried about the kids and I hope she's not ignoring any abuse. Someone did call CPS on her last year but I don't think anything came of it.

 

I haven't contacted her in months except to invite her and the girls to the party but they conveniently went camping instead. I just hate that it got to this point and I thought she would be the last person to ever treat me like this. I'm sure I know the comments will be let it go and it's a lost cause. I guess I just thought about it recently and wanted to get a perspective on it. I told her if he ever beat her don't come to me but if she and the girls were in trouble I'd help. For sure her kids. It's not their fault she apparently gravitates toward abusive men.

 

It really boggled my mind she let a guy she barely knew around her kids so fast. I sure hope they aren't being abused in any way.

[abitbroken]

This woman has a history of dating abusers. The best thing you could have done was not to immediately said "well, if you like him.." and started something with her but tell her what you saw - that he didn't seem to be at ease, etc. and kept a dialogue open with her. And also to have expressed concern before she dated him or met him - encouraging her towards counseling so that she could learn to recognize abusers. I think the only thing you can do is stay away - don't engage with them. Someday when he actually does leave, she may reach out to you. Where was the mother NOT calling the police when he broke the phone, though? That's what i don't understand.

 

Honestly, yes, she chose him, but you can't say "its her fault for gravitating towards abusive men" - no abuse is a victim's fault. But abusive men do tend to move in very quickly - and even sweep someone off their feet so they think this person is so different than others. So understand that.

 

In the meantime also, stop the pseudo sibling rivalry you have with her.

[Wiseman2]

You hate her husband and she sticks by him, not much you can do after that. Stirring the pot with unwarranted cps reports stresses the kids. Yeah, just let go she made her choices.

I haven't contacted her in months except to invite her and the girls to the party but they conveniently went camping instead. I just hate that it got to this point and I thought she would be the last person to ever treat me like this.

[Seraphim]

No. Absolutely not.

[ParisPaulette]

Look, I've been there. You indicated to your friend you thought the guy she was dating was a bad egg several times. She ignored you, ignored the red flags, and charged in full force anyways. There is nothing you could ever have said or done that was going to change the outcome. She will likely pick another "winner" down the line, IF she herself doesn't want to change.

 

She knows she's making bad decisions, okay? But she doesn't want to not make those bad decisions, so it's easier to blame you or blame anyone and anything else but herself and the guy involved. Because if she did that would mean she'd have to do something about it and this woman just is not there yet. And honestly, she may never be.

 

You've done all you can, it's time to drop it, be cordial if you have to interact for any reason and otherwise stay out of it. And yes, I know how frustrating it is. Believe me, I used to work at a women's shelter. Nothing was more upsetting to our entire staff than to see the same people over and over, sometimes with the same person abusing them, sometimes with a parade. You do what you can and you understand at the end of the day it is still up to the individual themselves to change their life.

 

Everything you've done was the right thing though. She knows if she ever gets her life together and needs to talk to someone, to reach out and change, you are there for her. And right now she's not to the point, so she avoids you simply because she does not want to have to face herself, not you, but herself.

 

I'd tell you not to take that personally, but I know how hard it is. You've done everything you can, it's time to back away and leave her to her own consequences. Be there for her if or when she decides she needs to change, but that's really all you can do.

 

P.S. Her immediate family who are close to her should and are in a far better position of authority to handle her and the guy and watch out for their kin. You can urge them to make sure the kids are all right, but outside of that I would just back off and let her come to you but stop any and all contact. Continued contact hasn't really done anything but led to "one-upmanship" over something that isn't a contest. It's time to drop away altogether and focus your attentions elsewhere.

[qwaspolk82]

This woman has a history of dating abusers. The best thing you could have done was not to immediately said "well, if you like him.." and started something with her but tell her what you saw - that he didn't seem to be at ease, etc. and kept a dialogue open with her. And also to have expressed concern before she dated him or met him - encouraging her towards counseling so that she could learn to recognize abusers. I think the only thing you can do is stay away - don't engage with them. Someday when he actually does leave, she may reach out to you. Where was the mother NOT calling the police when he broke the phone, though? That's what i don't understand.

 

Honestly, yes, she chose him, but you can't say "its her fault for gravitating towards abusive men" - no abuse is a victim's fault. But abusive men do tend to move in very quickly - and even sweep someone off their feet so they think this person is so different than others. So understand that.

 

In the meantime also, stop the pseudo sibling rivalry you have with her.

 

I honestly thought this guy would be a fling. She dated other guys here and t5here after the baby daddy went to prison. But nothing lasted long and I don't think she ever brought too many around her girls.

 

I had no idea she would be engaged within a month nor letting him stay over right away or moved in. Her attitude changed slowly where she stopped hanging out with me or asking me over or being my friend.

 

Her mom is in an even more toxic and abusive relationship than her daughter honestly. This is her second husband so their stepdad. He was her midlife crisis rebound. I warned their mom when she said she was getting married because she had just gotten divorced. She had my ex at 18 and his parents got married immediately, his dad joined the AF for 10 years and so she had kids young. She didn't have her 20s like some get who don't have kids young and she was out having fun. This stepdad is like 10 years younger, immature, super anger problems and crazy as her too. I don't know why her dad didn't go have a talk with him or get pissed. My dad had a talk with my ex after I got pregnant because of the abuse that happened (not that it mattered).

 

I don't talk to her. The last message I sent I invited her and her girls to my daughter's birthday. Not him. If I see him and he asks how I am I say fine but he attempts to talk to me again I'm going to ask him to just please don't bother and don't do talk to me.

 

I mean she would defend the first guy (my friend) but never stopped talking to me. I told that guy off too. She lived next door to my dad for a few months and I went over one time I was home then and the baby daddy was bossing her around telling her to get him this or that and I said "No. She's not your slave. She doesn't have to do what you say." She just laughed "oh it's no big deal." I said yeah it is. Baby daddy glared at me and I told my dad to keep an eye on them before I left to go back home then.

 

I wonder at times if he didn't get her to use drugs. I have heard he has a history of using and he is an alcoholic. The only other time I saw her get cruel and nearly violent is we drank whiskey years ago and I could tell she had enough and I hid it. She got vicious when I wouldn't give it to her. I hope she isn't being stupid like that.

[qwaspolk82]

You hate her husband and she sticks by him, not much you can do after that. Stirring the pot with unwarranted cps reports stresses the kids. Yeah, just let go she made her choices.

 

I did not call CPS. Someone else did last summer. My ex said his mom told him she did it but she denied it when I asked her after I heard about it. I thought it was her ex's mom but she said no. I would never call CPS on anyone unless I had legit proof of neglect or abuse.

[qwaspolk82]

Look, I've been there. You indicated to your friend you thought the guy she was dating was a bad egg several times. She ignored you, ignored the red flags, and charged in full force anyways. There is nothing you could ever have said or done that was going to change the outcome. She will likely pick another "winner" down the line, IF she herself doesn't want to change.

 

She knows she's making bad decisions, okay? But she doesn't want to not make those bad decisions, so it's easier to blame you or blame anyone and anything else but herself and the guy involved. Because if she did that would mean she'd have to do something about it and this woman just is not there yet. And honestly, she may never be.

 

You've done all you can, it's time to drop it, be cordial if you have to interact for any reason and otherwise stay out of it. And yes, I know how frustrating it is. Believe me, I used to work at a women's shelter. Nothing was more upsetting to our entire staff than to see the same people over and over, sometimes with the same person abusing them, sometimes with a parade. You do what you can and you understand at the end of the day it is still up to the individual themselves to change their life.

 

Everything you've done was the right thing though. She knows if she ever gets her life together and needs to talk to someone, to reach out and change, you are there for her. And right now she's not to the point, so she avoids you simply because she does not want to have to face herself, not you, but herself.

 

I'd tell you not to take that personally, but I know how hard it is. You've done everything you can, it's time to back away and leave her to her own consequences. Be there for her if or when she decides she needs to change, but that's really all you can do.

 

P.S. Her immediate family who are close to her should and are in a far better position of authority to handle her and the guy and watch out for their kin. You can urge them to make sure the kids are all right, but outside of that I would just back off and let her come to you but stop any and all contact. Continued contact hasn't really done anything but led to "one-upmanship" over something that isn't a contest. It's time to drop away altogether and focus your attentions elsewhere.

 

Her family...in no position to help. None of them like him but pretend nothing is wrong. They are the family that seems to bury everything and pretend nothing is wrong I have noticed over the years. Their dad "Well I haven't noticed a change but I don't see her as much as some people I guess." (He drives truck so he's only home weekends). Her baby daddy no one stopped him. Her twin said Twin A had a black eye once and told Twin B "I ran into a door." Also he tried to buy weed from her brother with HER checks once and her brother supposedly told him to never come near him again and stop using his sister's checks. If someone stole my siblings' checks and tried using them and I caught them I would not let them walk away. (Her brother isn't much better though). Oh and her mom...mom works at a women's shelter meanwhile herself is in an abusive relationship. Twin B just doesn't want to lose her. And other brother is a hermit pothead really. He comes to family stuff with his gf and kids but it is hard to get him to leave home.