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Slowly controlling me lead to violent attack


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This is the first time I have ever posted in a forum , but the past few weeks have been so difficult and confusing and soul destroying that I am searching high and low for advice or just people that have experienced similar situations.


I was with my boyfriend for 1 year. It moved quickly , I was moved in without even noticing that it had happened. He has young children so I was apprehensive to start, He told me he loved me after a month or two. It was all very blissful , he was crazy about me which was a change from previous encounters with men. We really connected. After maybe 3-4 months he accused me of flirting with a friend of his. Not speaking to me , and a complete mood change every time he was around. He said that it wasn't just my actions but how they were being perceived that was the biggest problem . He could never drop this and said that every time he had negative thoughts about our relationship he would think of this and then punish me again. He then accused me of bending over in front of this fiend on purpose and of laughing at his jokes too much and ignoring him. I did genuinely get on well with his friend but I though this was a positive thing. He then accused me of the same with a cousin of his , saying that I had intentionally spread my legs while wearing a skirt sitting opposite him . This did not happen for the record.


Aside from these things he was very loving , caring but very lazy and I started to take care of the kids more while he slept. He also , by choice did not work. He smokes weed every night also.


The night of the attack we were at a wedding for one of my work colleagues. I was drunk as was he and I was talking to a lot of people that I knew. Then I noticed that he was getting very in appropriate with girls that I work with , telling them how gorgeous they were etc. The rest is all a bit of a blur as I was drunk but we were arguing. I went after him because I knew he would storm off and try to drive home , I got in the car to try to stop him and he just sped off with me in the car , at some stage of the journey he hit me , making my nose bleed. He kept pulling the car over threatening to kick me out , he spat in my face twice and then made me drive the car. I drove and got very upset naturally and I then became angry as he was trying to go asleep ,I then hit him and shouted at him for thinking that it was ok to do something like this. Then he really went nuts and punched me repeatedly in the face while I was driving. When we eventually made it home , I started packing up my things. Crying and screaming because of what he had done. He said sorry twice before going to bed . I went to our room to get more stuff and he screamed at me to turn the light off. He then took my things and through them in the garden and tried to lock me out. He was like someone possessed. He was not like the person that I thought I knew for the past year.


I have left , He was full of remorse for about 3 days . And then he got very nasty in messages. Accused me of playing the victim card and saying that he would never treat me this way if I had done something similar. I have cut all means of contact but am now feeling lost , lonely , confused and slightly guilty about leaving immediately and not going back to talk it through, This was mainly because of my family being concerned and also because I was traumatised and confused. And the children that I loved so much are gone from my life and I feel guilty for just disappearing from their lives. I'm just amazed that he just does not seem to understand the severity of the attack. He says he does not remember , that maybe his drink was spiked and puts it down to a few hours of maddness. And never thought that I would walk away so easily from our relationship without fighting for it . Am I crazy or have I done the right thing????

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Do you really need to ask? He's a violent, lazy, weed-smoking thug!


That being said, I was surprised to read that you hit him too. Not only does that show that you have the ability to lose your cool, you put yourself in even more danger ... in the car, whilst driving drunk. It's a miracle you made it home safely one way or the other. Stay riiiiiight away from each other because now the line has been crossed it will only go downhill from here.


Incidentally, do the kids live with him or the mother?

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Fight for what ? Getting your ass beat is not love or a relationship. Getting accused on a daily basis is not love or a relationship. Looking after his kids while he sleeps off his dope haze is not a relationship. He is not going to go back to the guy you knew. The guy you knew was just snowing you. THIS IS the guy you were with. He is a woman beater and hater. Never , never, never return to him or you will be dead. Pressing charges for criminal assault would be a good idea. He did this with the women before you and he will do it with the women after you.


He is not going to change and you can't love his issues away. Love yourself instead and stay away from him.

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I have cut all means of contact but am now feeling lost , lonely , confused and slightly guilty about leaving immediately and not going back to talk it through


Once you become a victim of physical abuse, there's no such thing as going back to "talk it through," as it doesn't work that way. Of course this is your call, but by opting to go that route equals granting him permission to continue abusing you, and he will.


Be careful not to fool yourself into thinking this was a mistake, and he'll never do it again. As a rule physical abuse tends to escalate, where you may not be as lucky the next time around. Value yourself...

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Considering this man exhibited every single one of this "6 Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship" (read them here, sound familiar? ) AND that he has taken no responsibility for attacking you and is trying to blame it on you instead, oh I don't, being a jealous control freak who could have killed you by repeatedly punching you while driving in a car I think, I hope anyways, that your sense of self-preservation and choosing life over death will prevail.


If you go back to this man I'm going to be blunt, there very well may not be a next time for you to walk away. He isn't the nice wonderful guy you fell in love with, that was all an act to get you in and get control. As was the false accusations, the getting drunk, the hitting on other women, him losing his crap when you lost yours instead of you just accepting the put downs and letting him control you further.


I'm sorry, but you need to not go back. And if you really care about those kids you'll call social services even if anonymously to give them a tip to watch this man and his children for signs of abuse.


Read up on and understand the warning flags of someone abusive, because they were all there. So is the cycle of abuse which you have now experienced first hand. In this cycle there are good time yes, there are times he can be sweet and loving and it's all wonderful. The problem is he has a psychological need that pushes past any common sense inside of him that will push him sooner or later to find "reasons" to escalate to now mistreating you, and to pushing you to react specifically so that he can explode in anger then physically hurt. Then comes the honeymoon or calm period again, but little by little it will inch it's way back towards violence. And over time, just as with all other addictions his addiction to needing to verbally and physically hurt someone will push him to seek that excitement, that high of hurting someone more and more.


You need to understand abuse like that is an addictive behavior and it is an infectious one to some degree, meaning he will push others to violence as he did you to then justify his use of violence against you.


The dye is cast, this IS the relationship should you be foolish enough to go back. This is not something new, this is a scenario that is played out over and over and over again. You need to get yourself into therapy or at bare minimum you need to get yourself educated on abusive relationships and then work out why you ignored the red flags and just kept going. Why your hunger to let someone take over your life was so strong that your own sense of keeping yourself safe and having sanity in your life went out the window. Because you knew the minute he accused you of flirting with his friend then became more and more controlling that something was wrong. Inside you, you knew and saw and yet convinced yourself to stay instead of run.


You need to not accept his excuses, because you know they're crap. You need to love yourself enough to decide you don't want to end up in a morgue because of this guy and you need to find out why or what is going on with you that you were willing to blow past alarming behaviors and to continue thinking maybe it's something you've done and he's not so bad.


People have died from one blow or punch, he punched you repeatedly, while you were driving, endangering not just you but anyone else who might have been unlucky enough to be crossing the road just then. If a child had run into the road would you have been able to stop? What if a distracted mother with a car full of kids had been backing out? Would you really have been able to stop and not potentially kill someone if something had come up while you were driving and he was hitting you over and over again?


You could have all died, and others could have too.


BTW he's full of sh((. He wasn't drugged, and yes being drunk can make someone more violent, but come on. This guy's red flags for being abusive were already flying full on. He has no remorse. He now is trying the whole manipulate you and guilt you tactic. That's not someone who was just drugged and this is the first time this has ever happened.


And his little guilt trip about "fight for the relationship?" Fight for what? Fight for the next time he decides to punch you while you're driving then you and whoever else is in your vicinity dies too? I'm sorry OP, you need to get a grip and acknowledge just how close to death you and any other drivers on the road came that night. I would also urge you to report him to the police, but sadly I think you likely won't. I think you need to put serious distance between you and understand he's just as likely to end up on the 6:00 o'clock news some night with you realizing what a bullet you nearly dodged.


I understand how manipulative these people can be, I've worked in a woman's shelter and run various abuse hotlines before. What you are describing isn't something new. They make it their entire game to convince you it's your fault, but the only fault you've had in this OP is not having run out the door the first time that voice in your gut begged you too. Listen to it, don't listen to his manipulations. In fact, go total NC on him and give yourself a good solid six months away from him at all and I think you'll wake up from the shock and realize just how close to a very, very bad fate you came.


What he did just isn't normal. That level of needing control, of unreasoning jealousy, of risking both your and others lives that night on the road? That just doesn't come out of nowhere. That hunger for violence was already there long before you two met. It won't go away because you two met. If you go back all you will do is feed it. And I'm not kidding about this. Stop discounting yourself, stop shouting yourself down. Start listening to YOU.

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Stay gone! You did the right thing by leaving. Abuse gets worse as time goes on. He's not sorry. He's not going to learn anything and if you take him back and forgive him he'll get worse because he'll know he's able to get away with it.

You're in a safe place with your family. Please stay there. A lot of abused women have nowhere else to go.

Keep doing no contact and seek out your local women's abuse centre for counselling.

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Report him to the police & make sure they realise that he has children living with him

You need to protect those poor kids from him.


It might be too late to call the police. She can but without witnesses or evidence of bruising, etc, it's going to be a he said/she said case. Trust me I've been there. I waited a day to call the cops the first time my ex hit me and it turned into a clusterf*. Became he said/she said even though I had pictures of bruises and black eye and the cop took more when I went to talk to them. Even more so I couldn't get to the police station until a few days later. He denied my story and said I wouldn't let him leave (we had been in a hotel) and nonsense. They ended up assigning a new detective because the female officer initially investigating started to meet my ex off duty and tell him what I was saying or meet him over lunch. Very odd as she's in her 50s or older and he was 30 at the time but he smooth talked her somehow. (Yes I know should've been sign to stay away and keep protection order in place. Hindsight).


I just don't think she will get very far with it and they'll end up dropping it. She can let his children's mother know though and then she can go from there on visitation.

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The only thing you did wrong was move in with this guy before you spent enough time with him to get to know him.


The only crazy thing you could do now would be to continue any contact with him. Well done you for walking away so quickly - many people stay in relationships like this for years. Some are even killed by their partners.


So... RUN!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

YES - 100% you did the right thing. I would report him to the police and have him arrested. He punched you in the face for god's sake. Can't believe you are even questioning yourself over this. He is a thug and a bully and you need to make sure you never see, speak or contact him ever again.

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