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Hello, I was wondering if I could get some perspectives on a very unique situation.


Until last week, I was engaged. We started dating late in 2012, and moved fairly fast. Moved in about a year later, and we bought a house in July of last year. When we walked in the house I had her friends and family on the patio and proposed. She accepted, and we we were to wed October 1st.


Two weeks ago, on the 4th of July, she suddenly left. She went to her grandparents an hour away (she's very close to them) and told me she can't marry me. She blamed herself, said she needs professional help, nothing I could have done, it's her lack of communication that did this, she's lost, confused, depressed, etc. Initially I wasn't sure if she meant it or not so I reacted angry (nothing over the top, just "what the are you talking about?" type questions. That was Tuesday night. On Wednesday, she started staying at her dads and I pretty quickly (within a day or so) realized she was very serious. She took clothes, some personal items, etc.


While our relationship was like any other and we had ups and downs, I felt like we had been in a pretty good spot lately. I knew the wedding was a stress and she said she thought it was cold feet, but as time went on she just couldn't marry me.


Here's a brief timeline of what's happen since the initial "blow it up" that I just mentioned.


Wednesday of last week- I told her we could take steps back, figure things out, work together and move forward at her pace. She said she wanted to reach out to me next; didn't know how long it'd be.


Friday of last week- She text, asking how I was. We continued to text for an hour or so and it was fairy positive. She said she needs time to clear her head and figure out what she wants and needs.


Saturday - More of Friday; we had agreed to talk face to face sometime Monday.


Sunday - At her request, I dropped a hair straightener off at her work. The rest of the day: Texting me like everything was ok, but that we were totally friends. Example: SnapChats of a concert she was at with her brother.


Monday - We spoke in the evening for about 20 minutes. Similar conversation about needing time, not being sure if she meant everything, etc. Reiterated her need for help. I told her I was already starting to see a therapist and we can go together or she can go. She said she wants until after a trip with her brother to California (hiking), which she's away for a week for, leaving 7/25. She was on the verge of tears, and left. She apologized within an hour and said she wasn't ready to talk yet.


Tuesday - Limited conversation.


Wednesday - She had briefly agreed to stay back at the house; I told her I would stay on the couch. She changed her mind mid-afternoon, saying she wasn't ready to do that yet. At one point I text her a long text telling her how special she was to me, and she said she was crying. That she doesn't know who she has become.


Thursday - My 30th birthday. (Hers is in September.) A happy birthday text in the AM. Some more conversation and an agreement to come over Friday to pick up a couple things and talk.


Friday - The talk, which the therapist I started seeing said should focus on her and can not be about me, was mostly me telling her I want a fresh start with her. I was in tears, she was sad. She said she's not ready, and that people can't change in a week; I don't know if she meant me or her. Probably both.


Friday evening - She calls me, I apologize for making it about me. She said she knew it was a problem when, during some recent trips I was on (3/4 days, 3 times this spring), she "didn't miss me." Our schedules are pretty opposite so we were used to not seeing each other, and as much as I love her, a few days apart when we'd see each other VERY little as is, I didn't miss her too much either. I knew I'd see her again soon enough. She again said she hasn't had time to miss me because we'd been talking/texting too much. She added that she can't stay yet because she thinks it'll be "too much for me right now", and "Let me do this trip and think" has come out of her moth a dozen times the last week.


This weekend - Zero communication. We viewed each other's Snapchats but no other communication. She went out with her her friend and her friends boyfriend last night and was pretty active on Facebook.


What in the hell is going on? She's had crazy things happen to her before us that ANYONE else would've got help for but, she never did. I think it's fair to say she's having a bit of a breakdown, but the truth is: I am too. She is my world and my rock and I know I'm not perfect but, I'm a shattered soul right now. I've lost a dozen pounds in a week and I'm not a big guy, my sleep pattern sucks and I can't focus at work. We were talking about kids, already booked our honeymoon, etc. Has anyone been through ANYTHING like this before?




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Trurhfully, I'm pretty certain. I asked her point blank and got an immediate no. She's been very adamant she'd tell me if there were, and there's not. I don't know what to believe, but I believe her in that.


She's also told me repeatedly she "just needs time" and can't figure out what's wrong with her. She's asked me to be there for her but to let her reach out to me, and, she's also told me she's not worth waiting for.


We have two dogs together and she LOVES them. They were the ring bearers in our wedding, but, she's had no interest in them at all all of a sudden since this happen. One of her best friends is getting married next week, and she's a bridesmaid. She's not sure if she's going, and her friend isn't sure if she wants her there right now.


I just can't see myself moving on without her. We planted all the seeds for a life together and now it's just been swiped from me.

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Sorry to hear this. All you can do is give her space stop contacting her.

She said she wants until after a trip with her brother to California (hiking), which she's away for a week for, leaving 7/25."Let me do this trip and think" has come out of her moth a dozen times the last week.
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Unfortunately, you can't control others, you could only control yourself. I'd say give her some time and space. Give it a few weeks and re-visit the conversation. Once and for all if it's going to work or not? That way you could continue moving forward with your life.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Read up on commitmentphobia, too. She may have been feeling like the world was closing in on her as she approached your wedding day.


How devastating for you! And for her, too. Poor sweeties!


The only plus that I can see is that it is better that she articulated her concerns BEFORE you two married, and BEFORE you two had any children. The deep mutual love for your dogs is hard enough as it is!




You may want to have some private chats with Shiner501, here on ENA. He has recently gone through something similar, and knows a lot about this type of situation.


I wish you the best, man!



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