So, so, so, so lonely

[1a1a]

Sorry, this all gets kinda stream of consciousness. If you make it to the end, and can relate, or offer advice on how to acquire more metaphorical armour against peoples indifference, yay, and thank you.

 

Came out of a loving, steady relationship late last year. He fell out of love and ended it. In hindsight the writing was on the wall but I was blindsided and it Shattered me. Everything else was going wrong and I'd been able to ignore it while I had this loving partner at my side but now that was a lie too. Bad cash flow, career stalled, no friends, no hobbies, had no idea what I liked to do. And for the first time since I started dating, I was lonely, but I knew I needed to stay single for a while. Have spent the last 8 months trying to improve the friend situation, and trying new hobbies. In two bands, work has picked up, I have discovered that I like learning to play songs on guitar and sing them at the same time, and modifying clothes to fit me better, and watching Suits while playing online jigsaw puzzles, and walking, of course, but I never stopped liking that.

 

I've done a Hell of a lot of reaching out to people. I feel closer to a couple of friends that already existed, I have a new friend (with benefits) that I met at the start of the year, who, is way too different (and no chemistry) for me to date but I feel great affection for (although he often leaves my facebook messages unanswered and that exacerbates me feelings of isolation, but at least, since we hang out once a week and cuddle, no touch hunger). I had a terrible hook up off of tinder, and a really good one (like, passionate) who I fell for (a traveler). He left my city but came back 6 weeks later, and it was terrible, he didn't talk to me for the first 3 days, he'd completely lost interest. The ten days he stayed ing sucked, and then he left, and life was better.

 

I think (although I hesitate, because I have said this before and then been catapulted into fresh sadness by the reaffirming of his disinterest), that I am Finally over my ex (we still work together, we still get along, we have the makings of a fine friendship one day when my heart adjusts to the reality that his heart doesn't love me that way anymore). I think I am ok with being single, but sometimes (especially around couples), I long to belong to a pair again. A week ago I acted on that longing and made an okcupid account, just to browse, and in browsing, saw some guys who looked like people I wanted to talk to. And in fact was contacted by one of them. And over the course of us exchanging messages for a few days, got a really good feeling that this was one of my people. We met in person last Thursday and, I still approve. But as we parted ways, the thought occurred to me that in meeting me he might have realised that nope, I am not his people. (And sure enough, he has not really reached out to me since). And I am gutted.

 

And in the face of this perceived rejection, all the myriad of less big deal friend rejections have all snowballed until I just feel Totally rejected.

 

I reached out to an old co worker and we caught up on Friday, and it was good enough, we have rapport outside of the frame work of work. But by the end, he was quite drunk, and the last half an hour was me staring at his back while his attention was held by the people at the table next to us. Wow, I must be unbearably boring.

 

I shared this happening with one of my considered to be close friends the next day, and she maybe didn't see it, she never replied. And then that day was reeeeally stressful, and at the end of the night, I had no one to talk to about it. And then I saw another person, who allegedly wears the friend badge, but has not had time for me for years, had caught up with an old mutual friend of ours (who was a lousy friend to me, we aren't friends anymore). And felt hurt that in his busy busy schedule, he can't make time for me (when I have Needed someone so badly this last year), but he can make time for this other awful person. And I ed up, I sent him feelingsmail about feeling sad about being left out. Rightly so he replied the next day saying I was out of line and he doesn't have to defend his socialising choices, and he Is flat out and does value our friendship and will catch up with me when he catches a break (so many words I don't believe, if you actually liked my company, we would hang out).

 

On top of that, I know some people who seem to think I'm cool, but I just don't really enjoy hanging out with them.

 

And this is all a really long winded way of saying, it feels like I reach out to all these people and they just ignore me and it's ing lonely making.

 

Um, how do I deal?

 

Like with the dating rejection, I think, if I had had a friend person to hang out with afterwards, someone who loves my face, that would have helped take the sting out of new person not liking me. But there is no one available for that, and I don't Actually know if it was rejection, or if the guy is just heaps busy with his weekend commitments. But goddamit, he's been posting status updates ALL WEEKEND. I would have talked to me by now if I was interested....

 

And with the no one available for friend time, I feel like if I could be happy by myself, doing hobby things, I would be better equipped to deal with the inbox full of unreplied to messages, but I'm an extrovert by nature, and I am already running on a deficit of people time, how do I survive this?

[Inner Fire]

Well, I totally get the rejection thing. People have been saying "nah" to my friendship overtures since the beginning of time.

 

But something that I had to realize is that my brain will often over exaggerate things because of anxiety - like it assumes someone hates me when really the person is more likely to be simply indifferent to me. You have to put your perceptions through this filter - realize that it is often not as bad as you think.

 

As for meeting new people you could try to take some of your new hobbies and see if there are any clubs in your area for that interest. There's also the whole Pokemon GO craze - I've always enjoyed walking in the park and have done so often, but recently my walks in the park are a whole new thing because they are filled with people walking around every day now. I found myself having conversations with strangers and enjoying myself just because of a silly phone game. Even if you don't do games now is a great time to get outside and meet people because everyone is out and about.

 

You are not boring, nor are you unloveable. I know this for a fact because there was a time I thought this about myself but I just hadn't found the right people yet. You haven't found your people yet, but you will. You just need to get out there and keep looking - which I know is daunting (and often depressing, because you think why is it so hard, why is it taking so long) but it is not impossible. If I, a super Introvert, can find my people, you, an extrovert, surely can

[thejigsup]

To have friends you have to be a friend. You have to be there for your friends and stay in touch when they need you, too. You have to console them when you, yourself, are sad. Laugh with them when you feel like crying, give when you feel you have nothing to give. In short, TO GET FRIENDS YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE A FRIEND TO THEM. It's easy, not rocket science or anything.

[1a1a]

Inner fire, yours were lovely lovely words to log back in to, thank you Oh I want to play Pokemon Go soooo badly (my phone can't run it). I caught up with a fledging new friend person yesterday and share my troubles over the weekend and feeling of having no one to talk to and she pointed at herself saying "pick me, I always have time, I just don't think to invite people over. Sit around the house all day being bored instead". So there's a case in point about peoples reasons why not having a lot less to do with me and more to do with them. Work and a lack of money make the social hobbies thing a bit harder alas.

 

thejigsup, your post reads a bit presumptive that I don't already do that. It's a bit hard to be there for people when they won't even engage with you. More charitable reading would be that I should reach out to people when I'm in a good mood and ask them how they are. In which case, that is good advice and bears reminding, that that's a thing I can do, so, thank you too.

[gebaird]

If you hadn't added that fourth "so" to your subject line, I might not have replied Just kidding - your message actually resonated with me on several levels, because I get it. There is this need for human contact that we all have, introverts and extroverts alike. I've gone through years of feeling completely alone before finding a real friend. The universe seems to have this way of making everything happen at once. In my case I changed jobs and lost a lot of friends in the process, went through some financial difficulties and then my wife had a heart attack (fortunately doing okay, but it sure was scary for a little while). Oh, and then the transmission in my vehicle went out and added to the previously mentioned financial difficulties. I just found myself shaking my fist at the sky and wondering why. I mean, can't the pain be spread out a little? I get a lot of my validation from social relationships, but there are a lot of times when I'm just not able to connect with people as deeply or as often as I would like. They are busy and don't always have or make time for me. I try to find solace in hobbies and other pursuits that I can do alone, but it's not the same. Like Inner fire said, I'm guessing this situation is temporary and probably a lot less about you and your flaws than you think. I hope you can find the kind of connection you are looking for, and in the meantime learn to be more at peace with a difficult situation. In my experience people can be pretty hurtful sometimes, but at the end of the day there is good in them.

[reinventmyself]

I have been in your shoes before and I think what helped me was the way I chose to look at it.

It's easy to personalize these interactions but I think if you got to core of why you felt you were left to stare at someone's back or the friend that didn't call, you would likely find out that it didn't have anything remotely to do with you.

Once you get in the cycle you are in, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and at some point you could unconsciously anticipate it and give of that same vibe.

You need to shake this off, dust yourself off and not take things so personally. Trust me, people are just looking out for themselves and often not sensitive to sensitive people like you. Look out for yourself and put yourself out there.

Once I began to look at it differently, everything shifted. It can for you too.