Looking for advice/opinions

[shaker200]

I just wanted a few opinions/advice on what I’m going to do. Short synopsis of my situation, me and the ex were off and on for 3 years. We have a child together. She’s done all the breaking up and has come back, but this has happened within a month or less from what I can remember. She even broke it off one time when we just found out she was pregnant, found out at 6 weeks, broke up at 8 weeks. She said she was no longer in love with me and that there was no way we would be getting back together. I accepted what she said and was preparing myself to be just a co-parent with her. We worked it out eventually and I still feel like it may have been first trimester hormones that caused that break up but her words definitely stung and I forgave but never forgot what was said.

 

Fast forward to today, we broke up 6 months ago. She moved out because she felt unloved and unappreciated. I actually agree with her reasons this time and it was a classic case of me being complacent and just focused on being a provider and not being there for her. There’s obviously a lot more to my situation but it’s not pertinent to what I am trying to get an opinion on.

 

When she moved out she left quite a bit of stuff at my house. She hasn’t asked for anything back. But she left pictures of me and her maternity pics. Along with other pictures of me and her. She took some pictures and left some which I find confusing because why not take them all?

Anyways, I’m at the point of where I have just packed everything up that she left plus other things. This is where I need opinions. I want to give everything back, the Xmas gifts, birthday gifts, just everything; I want nothing in my house anymore. Why? Because I don’t want to be reminded of us or what happened. This is the longest we have been broken up and I’ve been limited contact because of our child. I want to go complete no contact but that’s not possible.

 

Is it inappropriate of me to return everything? Will it hurt her? Most definitely. I’ve returned some things that were in my car that I no longer needed or used that were for our child. She bought those things for me. When I gave them back, she said, “But I bought it for you.” I explained I no longer needed them and that she would get more use out of it than I would. She said that bought it for me again and was hesitant about accepting the items back.

 

So by me returning everything, the gifts, the items she left, and the pictures; it’s going to hit her hard I’m sure. But I’m doing what’s best for me, it’s now about me and what I want and I owe her nothing because she broke it off with me. I take care of my child and spend as much time as possible with my child. This was her decision so she needs to accept the consequences of that decision.

 

Yes, I do want to work it out with her. I don’t know if that will ever be an option. I’ve taken the time apart to figure out where things went wrong on my end of the relationship and yes I have worked on and changed those things. It’s been over 6 months, so it’s taken awhile for me to make these changes.

 

So is it wrong of me to return everything? What could the possible outcomes be by me doing this? This is me asking for opinions/advice. I understand there’s no way of knowing for sure until I do this and it’s only her that the answer can come from. Thanks for taking the time to read and offer advice on my mess of a situation.

[lostlove76]

Why did she feel unloved and unappreciated? In what ways were you not there for her? Just trying to get a better read on why it ended. Without yet knowing the answer to that, I could speculate that she left behind pictures of you, you/her, and maternity pictures in order to make a statement... kind of a passive aggressive way of telling you that you hurt her and she's leaving you behind. If she left anything else behind, I think sometimes people will do that in order to keep the connection, and as an excuse for further contact when they're ready.

 

If I were her, and you boxed everything up to give back to me, I would think one of two things: either you wanted to be done for good, or you were using it as an excuse for contact and/or hoping I would react out of fear of loss and try to reconcile. I wouldn't know which it was, so I would entertain both thoughts until I settled on one or the other.

 

I guess if it was you who caused the problems that led to the ending of things, I would just be honest with her. Tell her you would like to try again, tell her you know where you went wrong and have been working on things, tell her you're hurting and that having things around to remind you of her is just painful and that's why you're giving it all back. Tell her to let you know if she wishes to reconcile, but otherwise you need to move on. Otherwise, you risk her thinking you just don't care anymore, and she will close herself off to you even further.

 

Just my opinion based on the minimal backstory you provided.

[gypsybird87]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I can only imagine how hard it is with a child involved.

 

It's clear you've already done a lot of thinking, but I'm going to suggest two things to really consider.

 

1. If all the items in question were permanently gone, and you did at some point get back together with her, would any of those things be an issue? Like an item of extreme significance, and if you reconcile you'd regret having gotten rid of it. Maternity related items would be a possible example.

 

2. Examine your motives. Is it that you want to get rid of the stuff to protect yourself from pain, or do you want to give the stuff back to her to cause her pain/consequences, or both? Because if you just want the stuff gone, you can box it up and drive it to the Goodwill tomorrow, and be done with it. Taking the extra step of not only removing it, but giving it all back to her, is something else. I'm not saying any answer is right or wrong. Only you can determine what you feel, but I think narrowing down your specific motivation/goal will help you decide what you should do.

[kathy679]

You could offer to return these items or have her pick them up. Put a time scale on it like a month and also add that if she doesn't you will take it to the charity shop. Make sure you get the point across that this isn't you being mean but it's hurting you to keep these items and you dont need reminders of the relationship there because you realise it's over and your trying to move on

[Realitynut]

I too was thinking of giving them to goodwill. Giving them back to her is just a slap in the face....Like...here's all the stuff you bought for me...you can have it back!! SLAP, SLAP!

 

OR....if you really like the items you got from her, you can box them up and put them away in your closet. In a year or two you might want or need them again. I still have a shirt and jacket from an ex of 5 years ago...and I still wear those items, and think...hey D bought this for me! But it doesn't hurt.

 

The shoes and purse that I bought for our wedding was a different story. I boxed them up and put them waaaaay back into a corner of a closet.

 

I guess I'm a hoarder, I never give things away.

 

So if it's personal items, like pictures, or things goodwill wouldn't want, I just would box them up. Either give them back, or save them for your child when he/she grows up. Maybe the child would like a pic of his/her parents when he grows up.

 

Or...you could ask her, would you like any of these pictures back?

 

When I left my ex husband, I left the big wedding picture. (I mean, who really looks at those anyways after 5 years! lol) But when he sent back a bunch of my old clothes and things I hadn't taken along....he sent that back to. Thrown in a drawer some where. Fun to look back on and see how young we looked!

 

Don't do it out of spite....or trying to hurt her, is all we're saying...