Neighbor Problems

[HueyK]

I live in the northern United States. I'm a male in his 20's. My neighbor is in his 40's from the south (just to paint a picture).

 

So, I just moved into some apartments a couple months ago. The neighbor I'm referring to is always sitting outside his apartment on a camping chair. He was very friendly and introduced himself. He is basically a lonely guy in his 40's with no social life and I have no clue why he moved here from the south. He seemed nice enough though, we'd have a conversation whenever I saw him as I was leaving or coming home to my apartment. Eventually he ran out of interesting things to talk about though, and I lost interest in his conversations. I would try to end conversations with him, but he would always find a way to drag them on (sometimes for as much as an hour as I desperately tried to escape).

 

Eventually my patience had worn thin though, and I would end them much more forcibly much more quickly, going as far as ignoring him altogether as I was entering or leaving. One day he knocked on my door, and when I answered he just wanted to have a conversation.

 

The next day (which was yesterday as of writing this), he knocked on my door at around 3 PM. I ignored him this time. He came back every hour and would knock, yell my name, then knock some more before giving up. This happened until 11 PM.

 

Today, I was gone for most of the day. Fortunately when I came back he was not sitting outside so I avoided him. It's 8 PM now and he just knocked on my door while yelling my name. Then he went around the building and yelled my name into my window (I live on the second floor). Then, he came back to the door and knocked again and yelled my name. I am a bit worried because I don't know how to handle this situation. Almost more disturbing to me is the thought that he's probably been doing this most of the day.

 

It's not like I'm afraid to confront people most of the time. When someone is bothering me I usually have no problem letting them know. This guy seriously is creeping me out though, stalker level, and I have serious anxiety about even talking to him. I just hope he stops before I lose my mind and approach the situation with anger. I feel like it's partially my fault for not being direct with him and just telling him to leave me alone altogether, but I have never experienced someone so desperate for my attention before and it scares the crap out of me for some reason. I refuse to answer the door, but I am extremely anxious about what I might say to him next time I bump into him outside.

[Wiseman2]

This is one instance where 'white lie' may be the only solution. He sounds lonely and latched onto you (probably because others have run). And a bit dense, so the normal remedies may not work. Tell him you are working on some project from work, or you are ill and ruptured your ear drum or have AIDS something/anything.

 

But you'll have to use a combo of truth that you can't always chat with him and some whatever reason why. But tell him you really can't talk.

He is basically a lonely guy in his 40's with no social life and I have no clue why he moved here from the south. It's 8 PM now and he just knocked on my door while yelling my name. Then he went around the building and yelled my name into my window.

[Iggy5129]

Talk to the landlord?

[ParisPaulette]

Have you tried a straightforward, "Hey, Neighbor. When I'm home and I don't answer the door after the first time you knock, you need to stop it. If I don't answer the door it's because I'm either doing something and can't be interrupted or I just need alone time and privacy, okay? I'm not ignoring you, but please just understand sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone."

 

Be calm, be friendly, be firm. My guess is he may be lonely but also a little bit socially awkward and probably just isn't that aware of social cues. Staying calm, being friendly, but gently reminding him you need your alone time might just be enough to calm the whole thing down.

 

If that doesn't work then you may have to alert the landlord, but if it were me that would be the next thing I'd try.

[catfeeder]

I would make a point of going over to sit with him when I see him on the porch. I'd let him do some small talk, or even let him raise that he was looking for you, and then I'd say, "I enjoy spending time with you, but I need to set some parameters for it. I was raised to never knock on someone's door at random, and even with my closest neighbors, I always phoned first to establish a good time for visits."

 

The best way to 'train' someone to respect boundaries is to set up a certain amount of time to see them that is 'their' time. For instance, every other Tuesday night you'll share a coffee together or something. Then when you're passing by the guy, you can just say hello, and if he tries to pin you into a convo, you can just keep walking and say, "I'm looking forward to next Tuesday, and we can talk about it then..."

[chitown9]

Are you stuck in a lease? I think I would be looking for another place to live.

[Fudgie]

I would write him a letter and be very, very direct in that letter. Slip it under the door. Tell him that if he keeps harassing you (yes, this is harassment), then you will be alerting the proper people (landlord, police, whatever).

 

If the letter doesn't work, then reach out to the landlord and tell him you don't feel safe with this batty geezer knocking at your door at all hours and hollering your name and you will be forced to take legal action if it doesn't stop.

[catfeeder]

I would write him a letter and be very, very direct in that letter. Slip it under the door. Tell him that if he keeps harassing you (yes, this is harassment), then you will be alerting the proper people (landlord, police, whatever).

 

If the letter doesn't work, then reach out to the landlord and tell him you don't feel safe with this batty geezer knocking at your door at all hours and hollering your name and you will be forced to take legal action if it doesn't stop.

 

I would consider this as a last resort, but why turn hostile and create an enemy out of someone you'll need to live right near? Why announce to the landlord that you can't negotiate your own stuff with your neighbors?

 

I'd rather use a diplomatic approach by demonstrating respect while asking for respect. Either it will work, or not, but if it does, it spares you from creating one more enemy in the world plus a landlord who thinks you're an overactive diva who can't resolve a simple problem while living among others. Who needs that, and why resort to setting that tone so early?

[Fudgie]

I would consider this as a last resort, but why turn hostile and create an enemy out of someone you'll need to live right near? Why announce to the landlord that you can't negotiate your own stuff with your neighbors?

 

I'd rather use a diplomatic approach by demonstrating respect while asking for respect. Either it will work, or not, but if it does, it spares you from creating one more enemy in the world plus a landlord who thinks you're an overactive diva who can't resolve a simple problem while living among others. Who needs that, and why resort to setting that tone so early?

 

I think involving the landlord is a last resort, not the letter. letter should be sent first.

 

OP has already tried the "polite" way of trying to cut conversations with this man and the man has not responded.

 

This guy sounds really "off" and I wouldn't be surprised if he's mentally ill. He's banging on OP's door multiple times a day and calling out is name. He needs to be told directly to back off.

 

Sorry, that's just what I'd do. I have no contact whatsoever with my neighbors and am not friendly/knowledgeable about them. I keep them at a distance (I do not answer my door if I hear someone knock) and I love where I live and do not have problems.

 

OP, fences make good neighbors. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you let your guard down with neighbors who may be mentally ill and think they can come onto your property and bother you.

 

Set the tone. Be direct, tell him to back off, and he will. He probably has had to deal with this with other people who couldn't take him anymore.

[Zaphod]

Next time, open your door in a Jason mask, clutching a chainsaw.