Seeing the worst thing imaginable

[JustinHurts]

So I have a somewhat long story to tell, but I'd like to get it all out. Then some advice towards the end would be great on how to move on, and other comments/suggestions are welcome as well.

 

My name is Justin, and I had a girlfriend, lets say her name was Mariah. We were together for almost a year and a half. We had lived together for over a year of this relationship, we moved in together very fast. We broke up a little over a month ago now.

 

Towards the end of our relationship we had minor issues in our relationship. We were staying cooped up in our home, we both had full time jobs and our lives consisted of work and coming home too exhausted to go do our lives. We were unhappy. But that last week together was incredible yet extremely sad. We were falling apart, but we were communicating our problems and how we planned to fix them better than we ever had before.

 

So ironically enough, it all changed.

 

I was going to be at a family party where I was going to stay the night, she ironically said she was going to do the same thing. It was a weeked full of graduation parties. I got very drunk that night and decided I would much rather sleep in my own bed, and it was a 45 minute walk and I figured why not. Plus I was way too drunk to drive. I was expecting an empty house, but instead I came home to her in my bed naked sleeping with another man.

 

This is where I made the biggest mistake of my life. I am ashamed, and I know very well I did wrong.

 

This guy was a friend of ours. I walked into our bedroom and kicked the crap out of him. In the process she slapped and hit me many times, I then smacked her back and she ran away and called the police as I continued fighting this guy. I ended up going to jail this evening.

 

What kills me is just her act. She planned this. I confronted her 2 weeks prior about deleted messages with this guy. She consciously brought another guy into our home, where her and I made many many memories together. She slept with him on our bed, our sheets, she even was watching the tv show her and I watched all the time while doing it. How does this not rip apart her soul like it is mine? My act was wrong as well, I should have just walked away that night. I can honestly say that if I had not had as much to drink, I wouldn't have responded like that. I was absolutely traumatized seeing her do that and I am ashamed at how I handled this.

 

Little background on me, I had a clean criminal history until this evening. I have never even been pulled over. I have never done anything like this before. Like I said, I walked 45 minutes home because I was too drunk. Smart enough to walk home, but seeing that flicked a switch in me I have never had flicked before. My reaction honestly scared me.

 

So now it is a month later, she and I can't even speak to each other due to no contact orders from the state. I deleted everything in my phone, facebook, computer. Everything from her families contact info, pictures/videos, threw away gifts, all of it. I blocked her and her entire family on facebook, blocked the guy she cheated on me with whom she is now dating.. I just want to move on and forget about her. But I keep waking up with her on my mind, this sucks. I can't stop wanting to say things in conversation like, "Oh Mariah and I did that, it was so much fun" or "Mariah and I planned to go skydiving this summer, we are so exited!" I literally am having a hard time avoiding bringing up our memories or plans in conversation, and I want to stop.

 

Now that things are very much done, I don't want her back, I am not even in the slightest bit able to put that behind me. But I do wish I could just say I am sorry for how I reacted. I don't want a rebound relationship, I just want to be happy. Which as of now, these memories and thoughts just keeping coming up left and right and it is preventing me from being happy. So I am sorry for the long post. I've needed to get this out. Please, any thoughts and suggestions on this or of how to put this behind me would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Did you move out before all this took place? With a restraining order in place you did the right thing blocking everything and moving on from this disaster.

[luisannalui]

Wow man! I really feel your hurt here. I also used to live with my woman, who left without even telling me, but man, finding your significant other in your own bed with another man? its just WOW! Listen, there are worst situation; man killing gf and the other guy than killing himself or worst going to jail for rest of your life. For a person that clearly doesn't deserve you. Your reaction was just human nature, of course it was best just to walk away, but not only she cheated on you but in your house!

 

I don't think you should say sorry to her, did she said sorry for doing this to you? She's even moving on with him. And believe me, they will never be a happy couple! He will always think "if you did that to him, you will do it to me" She should have talk to you about it, but she was cheating you. You should def stay NO CONTACT, move on with your life, and forget about her.

[polaris]

Oh man, I certainly feel sorry for you. Break up just when you think things can be fixed, actually seeing her in bed with another guy, and now a night in jail and potential assault charges, you must really be in the lowest of places right now. Don't beat yourself up (sorry, unfortunate turn of phrase!) over what you did; you know you shouldn't have and that's enough for now. You were drunk and subject to extreme provocation, so it was understandable even if not ideal.

 

The memories will haunt you for now, of what you saw, of what you did, and of the earlier relationship. They will fade in time, I promise you, but it is going to take time. Until then, keep your nose absolutely clean - follow the no contact order to the letter (this will actually help you heal as well, ironically) - and reach out to any sources of support (friends, family etc.) you possibly can. Deleting everything related to her and blocking her is an excellent start, and shows that you really do have the mental strength to get through this. The only other thing I can suggest is to put yourself in a different situation for a while, i.e. different location, even different people, such as visiting family out of state if you have them (and you're allowed to travel). Hang in there.

[JustinHurts]

No, we were both living there. She was just under the assumption that I wasn't coming home that evening which was her one in a million chance to get away with this.

[luisannalui]

No, we were both living there. She was just under the assumption that I wasn't coming home that evening which was her one in a million chance to get away with this.

 

There you go. If you would have stay out that day, than she will have keep cheating on you. Thanks God that you found out sooner, and move on.

[JustinHurts]

Thank you for your responses. I really appreciate it.

[Ms Darcy]

What a hiz-zo. Honestly, I don't think you have anything to apologize to her for.

[catfeeder]

If you have access to counseling, pursue it. If not, consider a self improvement challenge that might include taking a class at a local college. This will serve two purposes: it will give you the focus of trying to pass a class that you'll find interesting, or useful, or both, AND it will give you access to mental health counseling because that's built into your tuition.

 

I'm not suggesting the counseling because are guilty or wrong, I'm suggesting it because you FEEL guilty and wrong. That's the bummer, because the best definition I've ever heard of depression is 'anger turned inward'.

 

I can't think of a human alive who wouldn't have felt rage over walking into their room and finding their lover in bed with some idiot. That anger is valid, and it's the thing to work 'with' instead of trying to squelch into shame over your response to it.

 

Few people are proud of getting drunk, but it's not the end of the world. Very few people are ever proud of their judgment or their behavior while drunk, yet you still owned the good sense to avoid getting behind a wheel.

 

So a counselor's job is help you put worst of this into a framework that you can live with and grow from, while taking the neutral or potentially beneficial pieces of it into a perspective that helps you to thrive.

 

People have trained their whole adult lives to become experts in helping others to process stuff and build confidence in their future abilities. Nobody hesitates to call on a plumber or an electrician or a tax preparer for practical concerns, but what could be more practical than fixing your perspective and your quality of life?

 

Head high.