My reaction to thinking he's pulling away

[sarahellenpo]

I've been dating a wonderful guy in the army for about 3 months now. Although we met online and live about an hour apart, things were going great and we immediately clicked. He's really everything I've looked for in a partner.

Due to his job, he's been away for about 5-6 weeks of that time on exercise. So we've actually only had 9 dates, including one with me sleeping over. Despite this, he's made an effort to contact me everyday. I'm a little shy on the phone so haven't always been as reciprocal with phone calls. Though I have made it known how much I like him.

 

We just recently had our first date again after an absence of over 5 weeks. I'm not sure if it's my insecurity, but things seemed different and I felt he was more distant than normal. He texted and called since then, but something in my gut told me he was losing interest.

 

Last night I tried to call him but we missed each other. I asked about his day, then very nicely asked if everything was okay and if he wanted to still keep seeing me. I didn't get a reply so sent the following...

 

'You're such an amazing person 'Bob'. I like and respect you far too much to feel like I'm bothering you or forcing you to like me too. You have no idea how much I regret being so shy and hesitant in the beginning. It's been a long long time since I've felt about someone like I'm beginning to about you. What a fool I've been. You're truly brilliant and are actually humble to go with it. Any woman will be lucky to have you.'

 

I realize you're probably not supposed to react in this way. For me though I want him to truly know how much I think of him. I haven't heard from him since and won't contact him in order to give him space. My heart is still breaking though, and I really feel like I've messed up.

[Wiseman2]

It was a good idea to break up because there was just not enough momentum. He may not respond because basically it's a break up text.

'You're such an amazing person 'Bob'. I like and respect you far too much to feel like I'm bothering you or forcing you to like me too. You have no idea how much I regret being so shy and hesitant in the beginning. It's been a long long time since I've felt about someone like I'm beginning to about you. What a fool I've been. You're truly brilliant and are actually humble to go with it. Any woman will be lucky to have you.'

[missmarple]

You haven't messed up anything. If he's still interested, he'd reply that you're not bothering him...that's what I would do if I were interested. Same goes for your first text that went unanswered, too. Typical case of someone losing interest but not wanting to say the words.

[sarahellenpo]

I'm just a bit confused as this man is very mature, doesn't play games and is quite up front with his feelings. From the beginning he's always made a huge effort to initiate contact.

 

I didn't even want it to be a break up text per se. More like telling him his I feel, while giving him the option and space to decide if he still wants to carry on seeing me too. Will giving him space and not contacting him help? I generally unsure about the no contact rule, as I don't want it to be misinterpreted as me not being interested. Saying that, I guess I my last message made clear my feelings.

Apart from not speaking on phone as much during his time away, we really do get on great, have tons in common and are very attracted to each other. I truly don't want to lose him, but am not sure what my next move should be if anything.

[sarahellenpo]

To be fair, he did try to phone me twice earlier that evening. When I called back later he could well have been out, busy or asleep. Also, I called before I sent the two messages. Though like you say, if he's interested, I'm assuming he'll contact me.

[Wiseman2]

This is a break up text and sorta kinda breaking up with this type of innuendo to get reassurance will backfire. You sent it because you uped the ante since he didn't respond to the last one and you panicked and resorted to this preemptive strike.

 

To be honest this is a common strategy used by insecure or impatient people with the expectation the the recipient will now be alarmed and do anything to avert the insinuated break-up. It's a horrible strategy.

I like and respect you far too much to feel like I'm bothering you or forcing you to like me too. It's been a long long time since I've felt about someone like I'm beginning to about you. What a fool I've been

[missmarple]

Nothing else to do at this point. If you call or text him again after your last text, it will just make things worse.

[greta96]

I can't stress this enough: you should never, ever, ever again send a message like the one you did. Nor ask a guy if he still wants to keep seeing you.

 

This is cringe-worthy: "I asked about his day, then very nicely asked if everything was okay and if he wanted to still keep seeing me. I didn't get a reply so sent the following...[/b] 'You're such an amazing person 'Bob'. I like and respect you far too much to feel like I'm bothering you or forcing you to like me too. You have no idea how much I regret being so shy and hesitant in the beginning. It's been a long long time since I've felt about someone like I'm beginning to about you. What a fool I've been. You're truly brilliant and are actually humble to go with it. Any woman will be lucky to have you.'" [/b]Especially as it's coming as a result of him ignoring your messages.

 

You don't put anyone on a pedestal, especially not someone you've only known for 3 months. Nor should you ever put yourself down like this, as if he is doing you a favor by dating you. Even if you think it (although you shouldn't), don't ever say it out loud.

 

Change your way of being in a relationship, and you will see a huge change in the way men treat and respect you.

[sarahellenpo]

Since I feel he's been unsure a couple of time as to whether I like him, I just wanted to make it clear. Like I said, I've been pretty bad at answering his calls when he's been away. I want him to know I regret that and would change it in a heartbeat.

[sarahellenpo]

I can't stress this enough: you should never, ever, ever again send a message like the one you did. Nor ask a guy if he still wants to keep seeing you.

 

This is cringe-worthy: "I asked about his day, then very nicely asked if everything was okay and if he wanted to still keep seeing me. I didn't get a reply so sent the following...[/b] 'You're such an amazing person 'Bob'. I like and respect you far too much to feel like I'm bothering you or forcing you to like me too. You have no idea how much I regret being so shy and hesitant in the beginning. It's been a long long time since I've felt about someone like I'm beginning to about you. What a fool I've been. You're truly brilliant and are actually humble to go with it. Any woman will be lucky to have you.'" [/b]Especially as it's coming as a result of him ignoring your messages.

 

You don't put anyone on a pedestal, especially not someone you've only known for 3 months. Nor should you ever put yourself down like this, as if he is doing you a favor by dating you. Even if you think it (although you shouldn't), don't ever say it out loud.

 

Change your way of being in a relationship, and you will see a huge change in the way men treat and respect you.

 

I should also state, when I haven't been in contact with him for a day or two, he's sent messages asking if he's done anything wrong and if I've changed my mind about him.

[sarahellenpo]

Nothing else to do at this point. If you call or text him again after your last text, it will just make things worse.

 

I won't. I've really put my heart on my sleeve (rare for me) so I'll have to just wait it out.

[Wiseman2]

But that's not what you communicated. And you continue to ignore him.

I've been pretty bad at answering his calls when he's been away. I want him to know I regret that and would change it in a heartbeat.

[sarahellenpo]

But that's not what you communicated. And you continue to ignore him.

 

I thought I communicated that with stating I regretted being shy and hesitant. I've also made an conscience effort to contact him since he's been back.

[sarahellenpo]

I can't stress this enough: you should never, ever, ever again send a message like the one you did. Nor ask a guy if he still wants to keep seeing you.

 

This is cringe-worthy: "I asked about his day, then very nicely asked if everything was okay and if he wanted to still keep seeing me. I didn't get a reply so sent the following...[/b] 'You're such an amazing person 'Bob'. I like and respect you far too much to feel like I'm bothering you or forcing you to like me too. You have no idea how much I regret being so shy and hesitant in the beginning. It's been a long long time since I've felt about someone like I'm beginning to about you. What a fool I've been. You're truly brilliant and are actually humble to go with it. Any woman will be lucky to have you.'" [/b]Especially as it's coming as a result of him ignoring your messages.

 

You don't put anyone on a pedestal, especially not someone you've only known for 3 months. Nor should you ever put yourself down like this, as if he is doing you a favor by dating you. Even if you think it (although you shouldn't), don't ever say it out loud.

 

Change your way of being in a relationship, and you will see a huge change in the way men treat and respect you.

 

Is it honestly that cringeworthy to state your feeling? Especially since there may have been a misunderstanding about my intentions towards him in the first place? I'd rather just be honest, since that I thought honest communication was the key to successful relationships.

[j.man]

Just communicate your intentions. You don't have to make a teen movie monologue out of it. I'd honestly be very turned off by such a text.

[greta96]

Is it honestly that cringeworthy to state your feeling? Especially since there may have been a misunderstanding about my intentions towards him in the first place? I'd rather just be honest, since that I thought honest communication was the key to successful relationships.

 

No, that's not the cringe worthy part, stating your feelings is ok and even desirable, but it needs to be done in a way that doesn't put him on a pedestal. I would advise men the same thing, it's not only for women. Yes, state your feelings, even better, show your feelings, but do it without making it sound as if they are all that with a cherry on top, especially when you don't know them all that well, and the relationship is in its very early stages. Why make it sound as if they are doing you a favor by liking you? Or that liking you may be a bother, or something you're forcing them into? And to say "any woman would be lucky to have him"... you don't know him well enough to say this, and he knows it. He knows you said everything you said because you are feeling he's puling away. And unfortunately he may take full advantage of that.

 

It would have been just fine if you left it at " I regret being so shy and hesitant in the beginning. It's been a long long time since I've felt about someone like I'm beginning to about you."

[sarahellenpo]

Just communicate your intentions. You don't have to make a teen movie monologue out of it. I'd honestly be very turned off by such a text.

 

That sounds pretty harsh, but thanks.

[Ms Darcy]

I should also state, when I haven't been in contact with him for a day or two, he's sent messages asking if he's done anything wrong and if I've changed my mind about him.

 

The text was still cringeworthy, painful to read, and something you should never do again.

 

It gives off a begging vibe and can definitely kill attraction/interest.

[Ms Darcy]

Is it honestly that cringeworthy to state your feeling? Especially since there may have been a misunderstanding about my intentions towards him in the first place? I'd rather just be honest, since that I thought honest communication was the key to successful relationships.

 

You were being insecure. All you had to do was to call him, wait until you had an opportunity to actually talk, and nonchalantly bring up a conversation about how the relationship is going.

 

The best thing to do is put your best foot forward all the time. So, keep the banter light and fun in the beginning when you are trying to figure out if you want a relationship with each other.

[Ms Darcy]

That sounds pretty harsh, but thanks.

 

But you'll never do it again eh?

 

I once wrote a (much longer) letter to someone I liked. We all have to learn the hard way that it's not wise.

[sarahellenpo]

The text was still cringeworthy, painful to read, and something you should never do again.

 

It gives off a begging vibe and can definitely kill attraction/interest.

 

I genuinely feel mortified and heartbroken now. I really didn't realize that the text was that bad. I still don't want to lose this guy. Is there anything I can do to rectify the situation?

[Ms Darcy]

I genuinely feel mortified and heartbroken now. I really didn't realize that the text was that bad. I still don't want to lose this guy. Is there anything I can do to rectify the situation?

 

It's up to him to decide. Back off for now. He knows how you feel and he knows how to get in touch with you.

 

Keep yourself busy in the meantime and do't send any more messages.

[Wiseman2]

What and when was his last communication to you? Agree that laying back for now is best until you get a response.

I genuinely feel mortified and heartbroken now. I really didn't realize that the text was that bad. I still don't want to lose this guy. Is there anything I can do to rectify the situation?

[redpages]

But you'll never do it again eh?

 

I once wrote a (much longer) letter to someone I liked. We all have to learn the hard way that it's not wise.

 

I learnt the same lesson Put yourself in the shoes of this person and imagine how manipulated you'd feel

[sarahellenpo]

I learnt the same lesson Put yourself in the shoes of this person and imagine how manipulated you'd feel

 

I really wasn't trying to manipulate him in any way. I only wanted him to know how I felt about him. Like I said, he's sent messages before asking if I'd gone off him (understandably since I went 3 days without speaking). I certainly wasn't repulsed and feeling manipulated by those messages. Obviously it's up to him whether he wants to see me again, but at least he can make that decision knowing exactly how I feel about him. Every word I wrote him was true. No games at all.