His ex wife wants him back, he is confused.

[Nanumee]

So I've been in a relationship with someone for the last 3 months. Granted it is long distance, but we made it work. We were friends for awhile, and he was married. No real flirting. He ends up letting our group of friends, including myself, know he is getting divorced. Which happens at the end of March of this year. We started communicating and began liking each other, because I was still reeling from a bad break up as well. He came to visit me for a week and we clicked, but still we decided that we would not officially be together. Fast forward a month, and we both decide to make it official. Everything is going smoothly. We have great communication and he tells me his concerns and vice versa. Another month goes by, and his mom starts getting friendly with me via fb. We start making plans for me to take a 10 day trip to see him and have me meet his family. We both start caring deeply (not love yet) and all is fine. His ex and him have minimal contact, just about bills here and there.

 

Now it's a day before I am set to leave to see him and meet his family, his ex calls and tells him she still loves him and wants him back. Tells him all the things he wanted to hear for the year he fought for their relationship. She was the one that pushed for the divorce, he didn't, but gave up. So now he's confused, since it literally happened today as I typed this and he immediately called me cause we are open with each other. He's torn cause he says he still loves her eventhough she was absolutely terrible to him. He still wants me to go, but said it wouldn't be under the same pretense as before because he suddenly doesn't know what he wants for his life, he knows he could have a good future with me. But he loved his old life, and now is looking in the past as soon as he just got back to looking forward. He knows he hates the thought of me even with another man, but doesn't know what to do. And it's left me in a conundrum, cause I do desperately want to see him. Because he himself doesn't want to give up a good thing (me) for a maybe. And we decided together that I would go, and at the end of the trip, we would sit down and see if we progress forward or end.

 

I know many will tell me to let go. And part of me thinks this is a goodbye trip. Part of me needs it for closure. And part of me thinks he feels this way cause he's shell shocked. Do I fight or do I move on?

[nuttybuddy]

I think you should go on the trip. The issue is really on his plate. He needs to decide what he wants. You may end up feeling broken hearted by the end of the trip, but guard your heart and be as much prepared for that as possible. His mom may even find out about the situation and tell you snip it's of what their life was like.

 

There's really nothing you can do. If you beg him to drop her and just be with you, it's still up to him. The ball is in his court. I don't think you should beg though. Love is not about begging. Love is given and received freely.

 

Just guard yourself. hugs So sorry to hear you're going through this.

[Capricorn3]

He's torn cause he says he still loves her

 

Do I fight or do I move on?

The part in bold is all you need to know. Move on. If you stay, knowing the situation, knowing he still loves her, then be prepared for a lot of heartache. This guy is NOT ready for a new relationship as long as he is still in love with his wife (ex). You're heading for disaster and pain. Heed the red warning flags.

[Nanumee]

I'm already cautious. I don't think he still in love with her, i think it's the "what ifs" he still questions and he does care for her cause he has a history. I've already taken the decision out of his hands and told him we aren't together. But I want to go to show him what he's giving up for someone who basically let him starve while she was deployed because she refused to help with the household bills cause "she wasn't there so it was his responsibility", and didn't care that his hip needed to be replaced from a military injury, and basically kept asking when he was going to leave, told him repeatedly to sign divorce papers. She knows what she is doing, and saying everything he wanted to hear for a year. All I know is, after talking to her for 2 hrs he now questions his own worth as a man.

 

I just don't know if I wait it out, or just move forward and date other men. Cause I see the path for them ending again if they even get back together cause it's the same cycle. And he's not a bad man at all. It's been amazing til now.

[nuttybuddy]

that ex sounds terrible. if you've already decided to move on, that's a wise choice. especially because you can see the cycle happening. sounds like HE might be the victim of an abusive relationship. victims usually have a hard time breaking that cycle. they keep returning to the abuser because they keep believing that the abuser will change.

[Ms Darcy]

I wouldn't touch a recently divorced (i.e. divorced less than a year) with a ten foot pole.

[missmarple]

Fight for what? A long distance relationship of 3 months with a guy who claims he still loves his ex wife?

 

In my opinion, if you go on that trip (or even if you continue communicating with him) you're asking to have your heart broken. I would thank him for the memories, wish him luck, cry for a few days and, then, get back to dating others...but that's just me...I value myself too much to even think of 'fighting' over someone's affections

[SherrySher]

There is no "winning" in this situation. He was married to this woman and did not want to leave her, he was forced to and still held out hope that she would return. She now has, and what you will be, is a reminder to her of what could happen if she leaves again. You being around will only strengthen their bond. They are husband and wife and hit a rocky spot but are both still wanting to see if anything is left.

I wouldn't go if I were you, you will be in a bad place and will more than likely be told "thank you for being a good friend in a bad time". Whether it's a good relationship or an abusive one, they both seem to be wanting to try again. It's up to you, but I really do feel you're up against far too much and are setting yourself up for heartache.

[Clinton]

Sooooo you've been seeing him for three months and he broke up with his wife late March. He was single maybe a month.

 

If that isn't the classic definition of a rebound relationship I don't know what is.

[greta96]

Very odd timing, wouldn't you say? I mean, he's been trying for a year to get his wife to reconsider her decision to divorce him, and now, when you are almost on your way to the airport to meet his family (meaning, a very important sign of commitment), his wife does a 180 and changes her tune completely....I don't know about you, but I don't buy it. Something's off about this whole deal.

But, it doesn't even matter, because the second a man tells you he isn't sure about you, and that he is still in love with someone else, continuing a relationship with him would be plain nuts. Why? Don't you want a man who is in love with you, and knows he wants to be with you? I know you have feelings for him and all that, but honestly, screw feelings....unless they are mutual, feelings don't matter that much. Use your head, or at least appeal to your pride. Do you want a man who's pining over someone else?

Besides, like Clinton said, this has rebound written all over it. And because of that, he doesn't want to take this step towards committing and made it clear by saying if you still went, it wouldn't be under the same pretenses. Why not love yourself more and not go at all?

[Heather Dawn]

I wouldn't touch a recently divorced (i.e. divorced less than a year) with a ten foot pole.

 

Really!!!

 

Though I'll say this: My friend met a man who was separated and preparing for divorce - and he'd only been separated for a few months (if that). There was also a child involved. Against better judgment, my friend got involved with him, anyway, and it was really rough at first - there was some questionable behavior on his part (involving spending time with his soon-to-be ex, even when it had nothing to do with their kid), and my friend spent a lot of the first several months of their relationship upset and insecure. Buuuuut, it eventually smoothed out, his divorce was finalized, and they're now married with a baby boy.

 

I still don't like her husband, though - I just don't trust him.

[j.man]

- Only 3 months divorced

- Long distance

 

If you buy from the dollar menu, expect a dollar quality burger.

 

I'd strongly advise against going on the trip. I'd dig underneath the couch cushions to scrounge up some dignity and wish the guy luck in either getting back with his ex or getting over her, but you need a guy who's both emotionally and physically available.

[Clinton]

Really!!!

 

Though I'll say this: My friend met a man who was separated and preparing for divorce - and he'd only been separated for a few months (if that). There was also a child involved. Against better judgment, my friend got involved with him, anyway, and it was really rough at first - there was some questionable behavior on his part (involving spending time with his soon-to-be ex, even when it had nothing to do with their kid), and my friend spent a lot of the first several months of their relationship upset and insecure. Buuuuut, it eventually smoothed out, his divorce was finalized, and they're now married with a baby boy.

 

I still don't like her husband, though - I just don't trust him.

 

Id always wonder if the only reason they were with me was they couldn't get their ex back and I was the consolation prize because they couldn't be alone.

[Heather Dawn]

Id always wonder if the only reason they were with me was they couldn't get their ex back and I was the consolation prize because they couldn't be alone.

 

Honestly, that was one of my problems with her now-husband. From the minute they met, he was talking marriage and babies - and it made me feel like he just wanted to replace his wife as quickly as possible, and my friend just happened to be the first woman to come along.

[kbbcoop77]

He's not available, grow a spine and some self respect and cancel all travel plans. You are wading into an emotional cesspool that's going to drown you if you go further. Stop talking to him and maybe look him up in a year or 2. But now is not the time with this guy.

[RainyCoast]

lol, he isn't confused.

 

he knows he wants to be with her, he's just hoping he can sell you the cheapest most overused line in the history of rebounding because telling you he just felt like wasting your time in the interim so he didn't have to face the emotional mess from the divorce would make him look like the bleep that he is. wife and him are going to try to make it work.

 

cancel the trip and leave the picture with dignity.

 

SMILE GRACIOUSLY, say "no, it's obvious you two have a really strong love that happens once in a life time. that kind of thing is a gift from the sky, it shouldn't be let go to waste. i don't want to keep you from the love you deserve. your wife (don't say ex-wife ;-) ) should come to the trip with you, it'd be a great start to a reconcilliation, like a second honey moon. i have a trip with brian from the reading club planned so i'll be fine. you guys have fun, i just know you'll do great this time around. i've always known, you can feel it you two have something special, it's unmistakable. *another blissful gracious smile*"

 

what?? if he can tell hillariously transparent intelligence insulting lies to look kinder than he is, so can you.

the only thing he'll probably react to is "brian". to which you'll respond by curling a strand of hair around your finger and saying casually "oh you know, brian. we've been getting along really well, he shares my interest in the french revolution so we talk a lot. figured we'd go see a museum and continue the trip to XYZ, they have cutesy cabins there. anyway, things turned out so well for both of us, right, it's like it's fate or something *blissful smile, dreamy look*"

 

then go buy icecream and Kleenex and valerian root drops and log back on here and we will call him every name in the book which he worked hard to earn, tell you again how ridiculous it was to date him and again set the rules of "people you shouldn't touch with a pole across the Rio Grande" bible.

[RainyCoast]

part 2: on the second honey moon he is lying next to his sleeping ex, tossing and turning in a cold sweat tortured with jealous thoughts of brian snogging you under the stars behind a cabin in the woods. he just can't stop picturing you two in lovey dovey scenarios, and he got up and went for 7 cigarettes already, had a cold glass of water, went back to bed and nothing, his mind is still racing.

 

brian: "What was the most popular game during the revolution?

Head-over-heels."

 

you: "*giggle giggle giggle* oh brian, it's so great we have things to talk about, i love a well read man. my ex never read, he just watched family guy all day."

 

*snoggle snoggle snoggle*

 

he falls asleep, dreams torturous dreams about you and brian and over breakfast his wife notices he is anxious, he forks his omlette kind of agressively if you know what i mean, so she asks what's the matter, she thinks he's having second thoughts about getting back together, he denies but it's obvious he's just so nervous and edgy, they get into an argument starting with ugh you haven't changed a bit! etc and after seven long hours of fighting_sulking quitely-fighting_sulking quietly he finally tells her "i was seeing someone when we were apart. i thought it was just fun, i just wanted someone to take the pain away, i couldn't deal with losing you, i thought it would just be sex i swear but i dunno, i think i love this woman"

 

she will flip, head back home, he will call you after a few days, only to find that he is blocked. he tries all your online profiles and apps- blocked. sends you a letter, waits for a reply. a week later, he starts thinking he is deep in shyte now, no girlfriend, no wife. girlfriend is probably having sex with brian as we speak, he probably would look like an idiot if he tried talking her up again. he strats thinking he better suck up to the wife again, to leave a door open, in the meanwhile, chat up stacey from work, in case wife is too difficult again. he is going to have to work hard to ensure a few options, damn, wimmin! all work and no gain with them. what is a guy to do!

 

week later no reply to his letter. yup, that a-hole brian totally swept her of her feet. *pictures gorgeous guy and you all over each other*. Good thing Stacey agreed to a date with him!

 

 

spoiler: it's a trilogy. in part 3 stacey finds out he's still trying to get back together with his ex wife (but he said he was so miserable with her, she treated him horribly, how could he possibly go back to that B when i'm so nice to him?!), she flips, keyes his car and confides her woes in Andrea from accounting, who tells Tina who tells Matthew who tells Cara and Kyra and Greg at happy hour and your ex guy starts noticing people areb giving him weird looks, he starts hearing rumours about himself, confronts Stacey who flips yet again and decides to take her vengeance and call his wife and tell her everything, including what he said about her and what they did in bed that he complained his ex wife never did with him. wife flips. like, totally. To make matters worse, his boss wants to see him. in private. and it's a she, always knew she was a man hater, she'll be tough on him. he might even get fired.

 

still no reply from you. your profile is private. still blocked everywhere. he'll just have to start working up his barista, the Subway girl and Clarissa the nanny.

 

Wimmin! You can't ever win with them!!

[Wiseman2]

He is reconciling with his wife. Cancel the trip and save yourself the heartache and humiliation of an affair and being strung along. You can do much better than this dating local single men. Block him and go no contact all he wants is to cheat on his wife because he's 'confused'..

now he's confused, He still wants me to go, but said it wouldn't be under the same pretense as before because he suddenly doesn't know what he wants for his life.

[RainyCoast]

oh, and Stacey? She gave him cooties!

[HeartGoesOn]

So, this all came to the surface the day before you were leaving? I'm not buying it, and neither should you.

 

I'm sorry, it's not fair, but it is what it is.

[Nanumee]

So, i am responding to this as I wait for my return flight. And i can honestly say I am glad I followed what my gut told me. No, we aren't together, and no neither one of us think we should be anytime soon. We started as friends, and we still are. IF we even think about dating again, it will be a long time from now. But i am glad I was here for him.

 

Over the course of this trip, there has been so much to process. His ex wife called him everyday, more while i was there then in the last 4 months since their divorce was finalized. Told him she was ready to have his babies, told him what he wanted to hear everyday. That was until it was found out she had a boyfriend this week while telling him she wasn't with anyone and she wanted to be with him, whom coincidentally was the "gay guy" she was friends with during her deployment while they were married. With a little more pressure, she caved and told him she's been with this other guy for the last 10 months and had cheated on him daily with her bf for 5 out of 6 months of deployment, even while "working" on their marriage when she got back. Matter of fact, she told him she wanted Nic and not him. So he reached out to Nic for the truth and low and behold, he didn't even know she was married whole deployment until last few weeks and she told him she was in the process of divorce already, so they could still be together. They hadn't even started the divorce until a month after her return, and was actively intimate with my ex. And sure enough same days she's telling my ex she wants his babies, she is telling Nic the same thing. In the end, his ex wife made the decision to stay with Nic, but not before trying to victimize herself one last time, and trying to hurt him one last time via social media. And in his end, he deleted all their pictures, cried, and said I forgive you but i don't forget.

 

So I watched this whole process, and I see his hurt, and I'm glad I was a shoulder for him to cry. And I leave being okay with just being his friend, and if it moves on later to more, so be it. But i am not waiting around, and I think I can walk away with some sort of closure if it doesn't turn into more later.

 

So thank you everyone for the advice. I now know she would have always been a ghost in our relationship without this happening. And whether we end up together or not in the future, doesn't really matter anymore.

[greta96]

Well, as long as you got some sort of closure, I guess it's ok... we are all different people and handle things differently, so if this is what it took for you to move on from this guy and his drama llama, I'm glad it worked. I mean, I hope it worked.

[Nanumee]

Oh it worked. I never say never, but being there for this, was a huge eye opener. Having never been through this before, i never want to be in a situation like this ever again. Lol