Is he just trying to be nice?

[CharlieGurl]

I'm doing better overall. I'm still sad. And I still cry at least once a day at some point. But I'm finding the times in between thinking about him and being sad are better/longer. I guess that's a step in the right direction.

 

I haven't talked to him since Thursday. Until last night.

 

He was home for about 30 minutes last night after work...to shower and change and then go to her house. In the time that he was here, the internet and cable went out. This has happened several times before when he hasn't paid his bill on time (they just shut it down if it's not paid by the due date). Anyway, I texted him "internet and cable are out...". He wrote back "oh no. Ok, sorry. I'll get it on it right away". I didn't reply. 5 minutes later he wrote "Your guitar strumming sounds really nice". Sigh.

 

An hour later I wrote "any word?" (I need internet for school so it's imperative it get fixed right away). He was at her house...didn't respond. This morning he sends a text "hi ____ (nickname he called my "sexy" side as he called it), then smiley face, if the internet isn't fixed let me know and I'll have to try something else. They don't see why it would be down". It came on last night but since I didn't hear from him i didn't text to tell him it was back on..figured he already knew. So I wrote back "no, it's fine". he said "oh good. did it come back on last night?" I said "ya, about an hour after I texted you". he said "ok good. Must have been the power outage" (i didn't know we had a power outage). Anyway, again I didn't respond. 5 minutes later he texts "how is school going? Are you still killing it?" I said "yeah". He said "nice

 

I guess he's just trying to be friendly. Is that how you guys see it?

 

I don't know how to respond. I don't feel like "me" when I'm being so short with him. There is so much I want to say and so much I want to ask. But I know it's not the time. And part of me doesn't think it's fair that he gets to have her and keep things nice with me. Why does he get everything? I want him to miss me. I admit it. I want to HEAR that he's missing me. But if I'm too available to him every time he writes something (about my guitar playing, about school, calling me by that nickname)...he doesn't get the chance to miss me because he still gets me in his life.

[Ms Darcy]

He's off banging his gf and you're worried about sounding short with him? I think you know what folks are going to say.

[Clarisse]

You're in a bad situation (living in the same house) and doing the right thing by trying to detach and being as short and to the point as possible. Good for you! That's called self-care and self-respect.

 

He's either trying to make nice because he feels guilty and wants a more comfortable living arrangement, or is trying to keep you as a back up plan when it inevitably crashes and burns with the crazy, abusive gf. Not very kind of him is it? He's showing you is true self, once again.

 

Stay strong!

[CharlieGurl]

You're in a bad situation (living in the same house) and doing the right thing by trying to detach and being as short and to the point as possible. Good for you! That's called self-care and self-respect.

 

He's either trying to make nice because he feels guilty and wants a more comfortable living arrangement, or is trying to keep you as a back up plan when it inevitably crashes and burns with the crazy, abusive gf. Not very kind of him is it? He's showing you is true self, once again.

 

Stay strong!

 

Thanks Clarisse. Although I'm finding it hard (because I still just want to talk to him so much), i am trying to do what I think is best for myself. I don't know his motives but I would guess that if asked he would say he just wants things to be okay between us because he doesn't want me to hate him (or something like that), but I would guess that subconsciously he wants to keep me on a string. I can't imagine that relationship working in the end so i do agree that it's inevitable that they will break up once again. I suppose, though, in those toxic on and off relationships, that at some point they say "we're going to make it work this time, no matter what", and then they make a drastic move like move in together or get married or something.

 

Since he and his son (and daughter who has now left the city) did used to live with her and now they don't, I would be surprised if he moved in with her again before his son is finished high school next year.

 

I had a good talk with my friend last night who continued to make me see, as you all are, that although he's not being treated well in his relationship, he isn't as good a guy as I think either...at least not as he is right now. I don't know what he would be like if he finally left that relationship for good, but I suspect that he wouldn't be a very good partner in the end anyway. I do get that. I can't help but still miss him but I accept that that has less to do with him and more to do with the companionship I felt with him and the ease with which we spent our time together.

 

Thank you for your kind response.

[Heather Dawn]

 

I guess he's just trying to be friendly. Is that how you guys see it?

 

Nope. I see it as him tossing out some breadcrumbs to make sure he's still got you dangling.

 

He doesn't miss you, CG. He doesn't. You need to understand that. This is a game for him - he's making sure he has his side-piece still firmly attached for a "break glass in case of sexual emergency" situation. As we've said, if it wasn't you, he'd find someone else to be his back-up. HE DOES NOT MISS YOU. You are a conveniently-located (and already broken-in) piece of ass. Sorry, not trying to be mean - just honest.

 

Also, I just can't believe you still don't see what a low-life he is. His cable/internet has been shut off in the past for lack of timely payment? COME ON. What is it you see in him besides the fact that he paid you some attention??

[Heather Dawn]

Also, CG - and sorry, this is also going to come across as harsh (but you should know me by now...lol) - you dated this guy for two months. You MUST MUST MUST start reeling it in for your own sake. This was not a serious relationship; it was a case of having casually dated someone for a couple of months. You have to start doing some more introspection focused on just why you can't let this go. Your reaction is more suited to someone whose longterm relationship came crashing down. It's not healthy for you, and you have so much more going on in your life - you don't need to waste this much emotional energy on some scumbag you briefly dated.

[Clarisse]

I see progress.

 

You may still be hurt but you're beginning to see him for what he truly is. You're distancing yourself. You're realizing your worth and taking care of yourself.

 

Time and detachment are your friends.

[greta96]

I do believe he is trying to keep things civil, given the fact that he is your landlord and you need to keep communicating on property-related stuff (which I still think is the reason why you refuse to move, as if you really looked around, there are other places you can rent just as cheap...but you do want to keep this channel of communication open, just in case).

 

He has moved on, while you are holding on and overanalyzing the actions of a taken, unavailable man. He is in a relationship, one that he chose to be in, and you need to respect that. That's all there is to it.

[overthemoon86]

CG, sorry you are going through this right now, but let's take a look at the facts.

 

He was with some girls for 7 years...7 years!!! You were his rebound chick and now he has gone back to her after two months... Thank G it was only 2 months!! He could have strung you along for a lot longer. Also, he sounds like a dirt bag too.

 

You are so much better than that. You don't want to be some rebound girl. His feelings were not genuine for you... so f*** that guy!! You deserve better. Forget him!!

[CharlieGurl]

lol yes Heather, I do know you by now and was a bit worried about your response. At the same time, I know I need to hear (some of) this stuff and because i'm an obsessive thinker, I have to hear it and go over it a million times in order to start believing it myself. I am definitely having moments of "what an a**hole" which I didn't have before. So I know things are slowly turning towards a healthier perspective. However, they are still mixed in with the "i miss him"s and the "i want him back"s, which I know are the unhealthy thoughts. I also know that even if he did do what I "want" and come back, say he made a horrible mistake etc. (which many people think he might do given the circumstances), and we got back together, I know the relationship is now tainted which is not the way i want to start any relationships. I would constantly be insecure and skeptical and wondering if his heart is elsewhere.

 

In a way, I actually do think he cares about me on some level. Maybe that's naive but I don't think so. Even if he cares about her much more (obviously), I don't think I'm just a piece of a**. I'm not some hot chick that guys use to just sleep with and move along. I am a relationship, bring her home to mama kind of person which is very evident. He told his mom about me (who was visiting one weekend and she told me he has never told her about any other girl even when he was broken up with the ex) and that he told his son that he was done with the ex and was dating me and told him he was crazy about me right from the beginning.

 

I understand that he has chosen not to be with me and that should be enough to move on. And it is on some level but I don't actually believe there were no feelings there for him. And maybe I will change my mind on that, but I don't think so.

 

And no Greta, the reason I don't want to move is not because I want to be close to him. I am finding that a huge struggle. I know that regardless of where we live, it's a small town and if he wanted to get in touch with me, he would. Him living downstairs is torture. When I don't see him for a few days, I feel stronger, but when I see him come home and then leave, I find it very hard to deal with and that's when all these emotions come flooding back. I can't move. I have less than $2000 to last me the rest of the summer and that's including 2 weddings that I have to go to. It's not that I couldn't find a place at the same rent, it's that I can't afford the cost of the actual move and giving first and last month's rent etc. It's not possible. That's all I can say.

 

Thank you Clarisse. I am definitely making progress. I can feel it. No, I'm not healed and much of the day is still with unhealthy thoughts, but I have pockets of my day where I can concentrate on other things and times where I can firmly see why it's not something I need in my life and that I deserve more. I'm doing what I can to get better, even if many don't see it that way.

 

One thing I've learned as a nursing student so far, when it comes to people's pain and crisis...it's individual and everyone handles and experiences pain differently and for different reasons. Something that might affect you may never affect me in the same way. The pain doesn't have to be understood by others, it just has to be recognized that the person is suffering. We don't know people's stories or what has made them who they are. Trust me. I wish I could just wash my hands of this right now and never look back. Unfortunately, that's not the way this kind of thing goes for me. I'm so strong in so many ways...this just isn't one of them...

[Clarisse]

Your healing is going to be slower due to the proximity. If you could go full NC, I am quite sure you would be further along (hence so many people advising you to move).

 

I've been in a similar situation and able to move past it. It just takes longer, that's all.

 

I admire your honesty about your feelings. You seem quite insightful about your own behavior and motivations.

 

Stay strong.

[Jibralta]

Even though it's a small town, I think your current very close proximity to him is hurting you more than you realize. In this case, I think it's worth the effort to lose your deposit and incur a little extra expense of moving, just for peace of mind. Even if you have to borrow. You will be able to pay that back.

[CharlieGurl]

Even though it's a small town, I think your current very close proximity to him is hurting you more than you realize. In this case, I think it's worth the effort to lose your deposit and incur a little extra expense of moving, just for peace of mind. Even if you have to borrow. You will be able to pay that back.

 

I am living on student loans as it is. I can't borrow money. Honestly, I do understand that moving out would be my best option but it's not a possibility so I need to do this a different way. I will be ok but like clarisse said, it will just take me longer and will probably hurt more and longer than it has to.

 

I'm getting pretty tired of feeling this way. I am reading a self help book that will hopefully help me change my thoughts. Changing your thoughts changes your emotions. I'm trying. Like I said, some days are better than others.

 

I truly hope that I meet someone eventually who will be worth all the crappy dating I've been through. I can't take much more heartache.