How would you judge this situation?

[jaykey]

I know this guy for more than two years. At the beginning he was in a reletioonship and we were just friends. I was single and I did my own buisness.

One year ago, while he was still engaged, it happened something and we slept together. Very soon he broke up with his girlfriend and it started a fwb relationship between us. At one point I realised that i was feeling something more about him, so I told him. He told me that he likes me a lot and he spends great time with me but he didn't want anything serious. I accepted this. In fact I knew for sure that he was still sleeping sometimes with his ex girlfriend and also other people. I couldn't be angry for this with him, in fact i didn't. I tried only to explain that i wanted something more and if he didn't we had to end it.

 

He said "I care about you, maybe things can change, I don't know, I don't know what i want." I said "I can understand you, but if you care about me and don't want anything, do it for me and let me go". Everytime we ended it, he always came back with beautiful words and I, stupid I know, fell into him again.

In all this year I never dated someone else or did anyting with anyone. I refused everybody, respecting my feelings for him. I have always been faithful, even if he repeated to me that I had to do my stuff because that's what he was doing. I gave everything to him, I was kind and careful, i always tried to make clear that he was important to me, I stuck my neck out because i felt to be like that. I justified all of his behaviours, when he didn't answer texts, when he lied or avoid the problem, when he disappeared for long time and then came back as if nothing has happened, when he was with someone else. I was stucked in this and I forgot my dignity because I hoped everytime he came back, things could be different, but no, he didn't change his mind. And everytime he came back, I felt used only for sex and that hurted me a lot.

 

So, 3 weeks ago, i said to him once for all "This is over. If you want me, tell me, If you don't, let me go." He didn't say anything in these weeks so I convinced myself to stop it.

Last weekend I were at a party and there was him too. I was really drunk, at one point he came to me, I couldn't say no and we had sex. After that I was confused, I felt hurt again and i felt stupid and miserable for falling again. The same night, another guy approached me, I had sex with him too. I know I have done something awful, and I feel horrible about this. The first thing I did was calling him and telling "I slept with someone else after you". He didn't say anything except "the important is that you did after me and not before". The next day i contacted him and told him that i felt awful about what I did, I felt guilty because I love him and I realised this even more after that. That I lied to myself, I believed that I could turn page because he didn't want me, but no, I couldn't. I told him that i realised that i can't do my stuff if we don't end it once far all, even if I should because he always said that he don't want anything from me. I apologied to him. He treated me bad, he told me that i am a s**t and all the feelings that i confess to him in all this time were a lie.

Now I feel that it's all my fault and I can't forgive me. I think that if there was one possibility, I ruined it with this single episode. I really don't know what to do.

Does he have the right to believe that, after this episode, all my feelings are lies and treat me like this? Because I tend to justify him once again, and I can't understand if this is only my problem to solve with myself, or if I actually did something bad to him.I am not proud, to me, of what I did, of course, but if he always said to me he didn't want me, what's the point of being so bad to me now?

[ThatwasThen]

I think that if there was one possibility, I ruined it with this single episode.

There was no possibility of you becoming exclusive with him. He does not want just you so no sense worrying that you did something wrong. The only thing you did wrong was not keeping yourself away from a guy you are addicted to having sex with.

he always said to me he didn't want me,

That's right, he didn't and because you are unable to say No to his advances, now he's doing you a favor by blaming you so that you'll finally get the hint and keep yourself away from him.

 

Zero contact and if you go somewhere where he is or where he shows up after you're there, then leave. You need to go cold turkey, zero contact withdrawl to get over your addiction to him.

 

DO.NOT.CONTACT.HIM.AGAIN and if possible, see a therapist to help you hone your personal boundaries and get you some self esteem.

[Wiseman2]

He's a player and doesn't care about you. Get on some dating apps and find a decent guy so you're no so lonely/vulnerable to players, jerks and hook-ups. Forget this guy, he a cheater and overall bad news.

while he was still engaged, it happened something and we slept together. he didn't want anything serious. I was really drunk, at one point he came to me, I couldn't say no and we had sex. The same night, another guy approached me, I had sex with him too. He didn't say anything except "the important is that you did after me and not before".

[lostandhurt]

You helped him cheat on his fiancé and you describe it like this One year ago, while he was still engaged, it happened something and we slept together

 

You have been nothing to him but sex from the start to now. Why do you feel awful for having sex with another guy an hour after your fwb?

 

I am confused why you didn't feel bad about sleeping with a guy that was engaged but you do feel awful for having sex with 2 guys at a party, 2 guys that only wanted sex from you.

 

Stop drinking so much that you cannot make good choices, stop holding a torch for a guy that never had romantic feelings for you and try and build your self esteem back up so you will not end up wasting so much of your life on some guy like this.

 

Lost

[jaykey]

I felt bad at the time for sleeping with him while he was engaged, after a week he broke up so the problem was gone.

I feel awful about what I did because I think I wasn't ready to be with someone else while I was still so attached to him, and I feel like I cheated. He also blamed me a lot about that and this hurts me.

[lostandhurt]

Well you helped break up an engagement so you should feel bad about that. If he was married and you slept with him and he divorced his wife months later would that let you off the hook too? Time to take responsibility for your actions. You have made some terrible choices since you met this guy so the obvious next choice to NEVER see him, talk to him, text him, message him again.

 

This guy is playing you and has been from the start. He didn't even care that you had sex with another guy an hour after him, he just cared that he didn't get seconds that day.

 

This is totally a one sided emotional connection and you need to break it today. You can do way better...

 

Lost

[Wiseman2]

He's not in a position to point fingers at you, that's to deflect his behaviors. It would be best to drop this guy and not feel guilty for things. Just reset the compass heading and move on from there.

He also blamed me a lot about that and this hurts me.