Does his mental illness cause him to be rude?

[Jade07]

I've been trying to get a band together. I looked online, emailed this person. And then he asked me to add him on facebook so I did. On his profile he put that he has asperger's syndrome. I thought I'd give him a few chances. We had scheduled a time and place to meet up, he never showed up. A few days later I tried again, he texted me and said "I'm on the way." This was around 2pm on a Saturday. 30 minutes go by/ he lives 10 minutes from me, in the same town as I do/ I say "Hey, are you almost here?" He texts back, "Yes."

 

So an hour goes by, I then text him this "Are you even serious about being in a band? I have waited an hour for you. When you told me you only lived 10 minutes from me. You said you were on the way at 2pm and it is now 3:30pm." A day later he texts me and said "Something came up."

 

I would have understood, if he told me right on Saturday. Instead of lying and saying that he was on the way, when it turns out that was a lie.

 

Does it seem like it was his mental illness making him act like this or does it seem like he was just being rude? I have friends with social anxiety, and they still show up. I really don't know what his problem is. What would you have done?

[Wiseman2]

There are people who act like unreliable flakes regardless of anything. Unfriend him and do not consider him for any further interaction or endeavor. He's unreliable.

[abitbroken]

First off. Asperger's is not a mental illness. It is a neurological difference.

 

Whether he has Asperger's or not, you need someone who is punctual. Ten minutes late - whatever - but no show - no. I know that when I have anxiety, I need to start out earlier in the day prepping for something that I have to do. It is how you grow and cope.

 

So - if he doesn't show up next time - I would not wait for him. I would find someone else.

[ParisPaulette]

No, his lack of manners causes him to be rude, social anxiety or not. Look, even if he has social anxiety so heavily that he can't get out his front door why on earth do either of you think him being in a band is a good idea?

 

I would move on and seek out others. I don't even have social anxiety and I'd still never have the nerve to get up on stage although I'd tell you straight up I might want to, but I can't. You need people who will do what the lead singer of the band Black Veil Brides did when I was present at a concert (my son and his friends were huge fans, so I took them as they were all underage) where this guy accidentally fell off the stage, broke ribs, and kept going on with the show until security actually shut them down so he could get treatment.

 

The total professionalism, total love of what he was doing, total high from being on that stage singing to his audience that pushed him past serious pain of the sort that lays grown men and women out is what you want if you want a band worth anything. The show must go on, even if you are injured or yes have stage fright so bad it kills you every night to get up on that stage (some performers have and do) it's the showing up that counts.

 

I'm sorry, go out there and find someone who will take a page out Andy Biersack's book. If I was that man's mother and father I'd be so damn proud of him. I hold him up to my own son as a person he could do far worse than aspire to be like in terms of dedication and persistence, whatever my son's dreams may be.

 

Cut your losses on this one. Not everyone, in fact not many, can make it all the way to being in a band. It takes some serious dedication and pushing past all obstacles to get there. Don't waste time with those who don't or won't be that dedicated.

[DancingFool]

He was a no call no show twice. You should have just let it drop the first time.

 

Simple rule of thumb - if the person is 20 minutes late and hasn't contacted you about why or rescheduled, you assume meeting cancelled and go about the rest of your day. Also, if I were you, I wouldn't reschedule them or bother with them again unless they brought in a note from the hospital that said they were in a coma that day and couldn't call. People will be rude and inconsiderate for all kinds of reasons in life and it's best that you learn now how to handle that with least damage to yourself. It doesn't matter why they are being rude, it only matters that you know how to cut them off quickly.

 

If you want to be successful, then seek out those who are eager, passionate and are willing to work hard at getting there with you.

[melancholy123]

I'm a bass player in a band and so I understand the need to have members get to the practice on time. It doesnt matter if it's his condition or not, he has proven unreliable. So forget about him, move on and find a new band member.

[Hollyj]

Why do you continue with this person, as he is unreliable?

[Seraphim]

First off. Asperger's is not a mental illness. It is a neurological difference.

 

Whether he has Asperger's or not, you need someone who is punctual. Ten minutes late - whatever - but no show - no. I know that when I have anxiety, I need to start out earlier in the day prepping for something that I have to do. It is how you grow and cope.

 

So - if he doesn't show up next time - I would not wait for him. I would find someone else.

Absolutely, Aspergers IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS , thank you. It is a neurological / developmental difference .