Need honest opinions to help me get better.. Hope someone will reply and help :)

[troubledindiv]

Hello. I am a new member here.

I have reached the point in my personal romantic life that I cant compress my feelings anymore.

This may sound weird, but its my first time doing something like this.

Sooo, I have emotional problems. Little bit of troubled childhood, little bit of inexperience romance wise and for the last 2+ years I decided to drink my feelings instead of healthily present them. I am shy, I overthink WAY too much even about the littlest things and the thing is.. Im not bad looking. Im not saying Im brad pitt or anything, but women seem to like me generally speaking..

The problem is me. I havent been loved, like ever, not had many relationships..so like I said i drowned my feelings stop caring about anything and had depression for the last couple of years. Havent been active for a while, became antisocial, and basically ed my whole life up.

Recently, over the last 4 months I stopped the self loathing, started exercising, feeling better generally and working my way up.

Still havent been active but Im really looking forward to it after a long time.

Couple of days before I started kissing this girl one night, felt okay, but I was looking forward about the next day mostly because I wouldnt be drunk and kiss her, fondle her etc. Anyway, the next day arrives and she tells me that she doesnt want to do something tonight she will go out with her female friends, that this have nothing to do with me personally she just wanted to be with her girlfriends. While that was the case, I was floored emotionally. I always am.

Dont know why. I seriously was let down and ed my whole night up. I legit didnt have a good time until I got drunk

I tell u this, because even this little incident had me wrecked for a good 24 hours.

Listen, it isnt the most tragic thing ever happened and I get that, BUT I also dont know WHY i was troubled with her.

I wasnt hoping to get laid or anything, just to have fun like the night before. I was angry at her. ME, and me only everything she told me was cool if someone else told me the same story, i would be like ''ok why are you even mad?''. I spoke to her like for 30'' that day, and didnt look at her once.

I dont know why I am such an emotional wreck when it comes to relationships, even to hook ups.

So thats my problem, overthinking and getting all these emotional mood swings even to the littlest of things, romantic wise always.

I dont know, I think that because it is an interaction between two people I always take it personally with whatever happens and when I try to get my chin up about those kind of things, something ALWAYS happens to get me down back again.

Even though I dont care anymore about that girl, the thing is that it affects me to the next girl I ll hook up with. Having that happen,

I will be way more serious not as playful as I was and more to the point. I feel like my kindness is my weakness as a man, and it shifts me to be cold hearted and not care about what future women will say when I try to hook up with them.

Aaaand that makes me kind of an . Seriously. For me at least and my standards thats what Im gonna be.

Not a misogynist or anything, but far from a sweet funny dude that I generally am.

AAAAAAANYWAY, if anybody would respond and help with my situation I would be greatful.

How to control your emotions about those kind of things about relationships, or even hook ups and lower my expectations about...everything i guess?

Have you read up until now?? Im impressed! Kudos!

Sorry for the sparse post but its my first time posting here.. Would love to hear your thoughts and if you have similar experiences post them, Id like to be helped AND help others if I can.

Thanks a lot

[jjkk]

Perhaps attend and get active in AA or some other kind of program for alcoholics. I think your drinking is a large part of your problem. You have been drinking to manage your emotions and life and when you stopped it ALL comes up full force and you have little to no coping skills. That would be my suggestion.

[DancingFool]

I think your best bet is to find a really good behavioral modification therapy specialist. Not because you are crazy, but because you need to learn how to deal with some things in a healthy way and to unlearn some things and to change your perspective about a lot of things and the last one is the hardest one of all and a neutral professional feedback can be a tremendous help in helping yourself see the world differently. I think you are going to be really successful if you work at it, because you already recognize that you have some issues and that your reaction to the girl, for example, is not right. So that's already good headway towards sorting out the rest so you don't continue to feel like that.

 

Look at it like if you want a six pack, you are going to learn and do the right kind of workout routines to get there and a personal trainer can really help you get there faster. In a way, your mind and emotions are not that different - you can reroute and retrain. You are not stuck the way you are, but it does take work and perseverance. Going to have to put some sweat and elbow grease into it.

[troubledindiv]

Perhaps attend and get active in AA or some other kind of program for alcoholics. I think your drinking is a large part of your problem. You have been drinking to manage your emotions and life and when you stopped it ALL comes up full force and you have little to no coping skills. That would be my suggestion.

 

First of all thanks for the reply, I dont have a drinking problem, it just helps me cope with things especially in the summertime because I go out a lot in clubs and such. When I see other people friends or not having fun with women kissing and stuff and Im not I tend to drink so I can forget.

Im not an alcocholic

[troubledindiv]

I think your best bet is to find a really good behavioral modification therapy specialist. Not because you are crazy, but because you need to learn how to deal with some things in a healthy way and to unlearn some things and to change your perspective about a lot of things and the last one is the hardest one of all and a neutral professional feedback can be a tremendous help in helping yourself see the world differently. I think you are going to be really successful if you work at it, because you already recognize that you have some issues and that your reaction to the girl, for example, is not right. So that's already good headway towards sorting out the rest so you don't continue to feel like that.

 

Look at it like if you want a six pack, you are going to learn and do the right kind of workout routines to get there and a personal trainer can really help you get there faster. In a way, your mind and emotions are not that different - you can reroute and retrain. You are not stuck the way you are, but it does take work and perseverance. Going to have to put some sweat and elbow grease into it.

 

Thanks for the reply!! Unfortunately I dont have the resources or the time to go to a specialist, do you mind recomending something online instead?

On one hand I think that I will learn by ''failing'' in the next hook ups/relationships until I get back on my feet again, and on the other I would like to find something to guide me while doing that.. A book, a site something.. Like I said this is my first time attempting to write a forum and every suggestion helps!

[Wiseman2]

True, but google 'problem drinking' and 'alcohol abuse'... both are not the typical physically dependent alcoholic but the precursor to alcoholism.

I dont have a drinking problem, it just helps me cope. I tend to drink so I can forget.

Im not an alcocholic

[troubledindiv]

True, but google 'problem drinking' and 'alcohol abuse'... both are not the typical physically dependent alcoholic but the precursor to alcoholism.

 

This is not the problem. During winter its rare for me to drink, literally before my summer vacations I had about 6 months to drink because I wasnt going out.I dont LIKE drinking that much either, like I said I just drink to forget when Im feeling down during the summer mostly about romantic ventures and stuff.

My coping behaviour and my attitude is the problem not alcochol. Thanks for the reply!

[Wiseman2]

Ok well your post asks about better control socially, with women and in general. Sure some can relax you, but it can also create too much inhibition and then you lose your control cover things.

My coping behaviour and my attitude is the problem not alcochol.

[troubledindiv]

Ok well your post asks about better control socially, with women and in general. Sure some can relax you, but it can also create too much inhibition and then you lose your control cover things.

 

Yeah reading it back I can see how someone would focus on the drinking, but when I said I was drowing my feelings its not neccessarily with alcochol, just in general by not expressing any.. Do you have an other suggestion?

[DancingFool]

If money is tight, maybe peruse the local library or bookstore self help section? Browse and see what catches your eye, read a bit and see if you see yourself and if there are tools described in how to cope better. There is really no one size fits all. You kind of need to find what resonates with you that you can put into practice and use.

 

I hope maybe some other posters can chime in more with specifics.

[catfeeder]

I started kissing this girl one night, felt okay, but I was looking forward about the next day mostly because I wouldnt be drunk and kiss her, fondle her etc.

 

Is this how you 'meet' women? How old are you?

 

This sentence identifies the problem. It's not how grown people form any kind of bond, it's how kids hook up in college parties before puking the next day.

[ayeh422]

hey bro-

this book karma of love really helped me. it just teaches good

values really, but in a way I could understand better why it would actually help my life. author is Michael roach.

 

I have also found nature walks and meditation to be great help for learning to be more clear about what you're feeling in any given moment.

 

in terms of actual relating to people, perhaps nonviolent communication would be a book worth reading for you. I would also recommend the power of vulnerability by Brene Brown

[ayeh422]

karma of love specifically uses romantic relationships as the examples it discussed for teaching btw