Is it time to give up!

[Jrod]

Ok so my ex and I have been broken up for 1 1/2 years. We have 2 children together. We spend a lot of time together and speak almost everyday. Well today I tried to hold her hand and she wouldn't allow it. I asked her why was she being so hat in me and she responded I made her that way. I asked her if she was going to be difficult with me. She responded tsarcastically hopefully not. She then said that she was not going to change anytime soon. Is it time for me to give up and take my losses? We are even going to a wedding this Saturday? Do I give her more time. Why does she spend a lot of time with me and speak to me everyday is she doesn't want to work things out?

[Clinton]

Maybe because you have two children

[Capricorn3]

She stays around because you have 2 children. She's not over your cheating on her (previous thread) and doesn't trust you anymore. Have you two tried marriage counselling to help overcome all these issues?

[RainyCoast]

I admit that there is no excuse for my actions. I apologized to her whole heartedly. And did therapy to deal with my issues. Asked her to go with me but she refused.

if i may be so bold, how much therapy? she should've gone with you, this has been going on for too long and she isn't moving past it, she even says she won't any time soon.

-tell her you are wasting your time if she doesn't go to therapy with you because it takes more than one person to move forward. if she won't do it this time either, then you will make arrangements to continue your parental responsibility, but drop the effort to rekindle the relationship.

 

I have spoken to her many times about having open communication.

she talks, except when you bring up getting back together, she is evasive, either says she can't predict the future, she says sometime in the distant future, she says not any time soon, she says she's still angry and you made her that way... let me translate. anything but a YES, NOW is a NO.

-she is likely somewhat afraid of the unknown and being alone, and used to you, and relieved that at least her children have an active father figure, but that isn't cutting it in terms of being a functional couple. so ask her directly what exactly it would take for her to rekindle, if anything. remember, anything evasive and vague and wishy-washy is a NO, THERE IS NO FIXING IT. without counseling, she may not even know herself whether she is simply used to you and dependent or interested in a healthy relationship and she isn't exactly interested in gaining insight and a solution. sometimes the hurt is so bad that people don't want a solution, they want the setting that allows them resentment and anger and misery indefinitely, and if you don't end it, they won't either, they're getting a masochistic need met with you. masochism is a pleasure too. a sick one, but when one feels the genuine pleasure isn't possible or available, the sick kind will do just fine.

 

I think we have been each other's crutch.

-yes, that isn't love. she is holding on to the one meaningful connection she had. i'm guessing she is otherwise lonely? you know her, you'll take her call at 10pm, at least she hears a familiar voice, someone drops by. she is wallowing and is stuck. it seems she doesn't want this relationship, she just can't do without one. it isn't your responsibility. you're investing because you want a certain outcome, that is a normal relationship. if you can't get one(you can't, imo, not with her), then you want to be redistributing your forces elsewhere. how about you, what would happen to you if you weren't in touch save for the basics regarding the daughters? could you handle it?

 

I just don't know if it's worth continuing things the way they are.

without help that she is also involved in, NO. she isn't willing or able to overcome this on her own. this now, to her, serves the purpose of a)wallowing b)avoiding the responsibility of starting life anew without you c)codependency d)punishing you. that doesn't get you any further than you are today, but it does set you back in many ways.

 

to sum it up, if she won't communicate and take counseling and an active role in surviving this as a couple, you two are done.

[Gary Snyder]

Just because you still having feelings for her........ and you have to be friends for the kids........ does not mean she feels the same; her feelings are separate from yours. She sees you as just friends.

 

If you broke up over a year ago and she does not want to hold your hand, she does not love you anymore, and probably never will. The sooner you can grasp this, the quicker you can move on with your life and find a new love.

 

It's called projection. You mistake your love level for hers. Sorry.

[No1]

Just continue to be you, minus the wanting the relationship part. She either forgives you or doesnt forgive you and you have no say in that decision. Sounds like at the moment she doesnt forgive you. Can it change? Who knows but you cant control that.

I would pause my pursuit indefinitely. She knows you want to be with her so she has to be the one to come to you.

If you believe she is the one for you, then you can take your chances and wait. But until then continue your recovery, your change in life and let life take its course. If she never forgives you, thats okay. Life moves on.