still in love with my ex

[batforlashes]

So this is going to be a pretty long story...

I met my ex at a party at University in January 2014, we were together for 2.5 years, he broke up with me in early June, so it's been a month and a bit. Before he met and started a relationship with me, he had been speaking to an old friend who had feelings for him. He had strong feelings for her too, but told her he had met someone amazing (me) and they would remain friends. During our relationship, they remained in contact, speaking on facebook and him liking alot of her stuff on social media. As far as i know, they met up a few times as platonic friends whilst we were together. In August 2014 they went to a festival with a couple of other friends. At this festival, she slept with one of his friends which caused him to delete her from all social media and they had no contact for about 6 months. During our time together, i would often get very suspicious and wary about this girl and would often express that i thought she was too obsessive and obviously still had feelings for him. This would cause arguments in which i threatened to end it unless he told her to back off a bit. Anyway i told him i loved him and didn't mind if they kept in touch, as long as they both respected me. She eventually got a boyfriend and backed off a bit.

In the meantime, we were having some other problems. I felt that sometimes my boyfriend didn't appreciate me alot and would talk down to me, or snap at me. I let it slide because i loved him, but recently he had been doing it alot more and it pushed too far. We had an argument over something stupid and he spoke down to me again and basically made me feel like . He went out with his friends that weekend and i decided to just leave it and not speak to him as i had an exam that monday. I had my phone turned off and didn't see that he was texting me he was sorry for snapping and that he loved me.

 

That monday, i was cold too him because i was still angry at how he had spoke to me so i called him out on it. He started giving it back worse, trying to prove that he was right. I told him i hadn't have been happy in the relationship for a while.. he said he felt the same He then started saying we had no future, he didn't feel 100% some of the time, that he loved me and sometimes he didn't. I was devastated. I loved this guy with all my heart i couldn't believe what i was hearing. Over night, he said that he decided he wanted to be with me, that when he didn't feel '100%' it was just him not making the effort, he loved me and he could see himself with me now and in the future. He said that he always felt paranoid that i was always gonna dump him first. I had a long think, then said i was glad he reconsidered, but he hurt me so, so much and i had to think about it. I suggested going on a break and he agreed.

 

To this day, i am kicking myself for suggesting the break, i feel like such an idiot. We talked normally for about two weeks after breaking up, trying to be civil and stuff. I couldn't help myself though and kept questioning if he still meant all that stuff he said about wanting to be together and taking him back and stuff. He said why did i keep bringing it up when i said no anyway. I told him i didn't say no, he had just hurt me so much so i had to think about it, and i had, and i wanted to be with him.

At this point, he said we should just go out separate ways and just be good friends as neither of us was certain about a future. I was devastated again, i loved this person so much i had hoped that after having some time to think he would decide to want to be with me. He just said that he had more time to think and that we should go our separate ways

 

After a couple of days i told him i'd rather not stay in touch, as this would help me to move on. I didn't want to be his 'friend' as i watched from the sidelines whilst he dated other girls. He said he would miss talking to me and that he was sad. At this point, i realised he had got back in touch with, you've guessed it that girl I knew that he hadn't spoken to her in a while, but as soon as he broke up with me i realised he had probably got in touch and told her about it. I called him out on it and he did not take it well, saying why does it matter now we've split. He also said he had no interest in her romantically but i don't believe him. He's now blocked me from everything, and said he never wanted to speak to me again. After a while i told him i was sorry and he could do what he wanted now that we've broken up. I explained i wanted to cut contact as i knew this would happen, and to keep myself sane. Then he kept saying stuff like i've ruined all our good memories and he was just gonna remember everything unfavourably. We hadv't spoken since.

 

I'm sorry this is so long winded, i just feel like i've been going crazy keeping all this inside. It's been more than a month since we broke up and i'm not taking it well, i cry at least once a day and feel like i'm gonna be sad forever. I keep sitting looking at old photos and reading old conversations. I hate myself for not telling him i wanted to be with him now and in the future after he told me he decided he did want to be with me. He said he wanted to meet up and discuss things, but i said no as if he had already decided we had no future what was the point? I regret this so much, i believe that if we had had a chance to at least see each other one last time things cold have been different. I am full of regret and sadness, i feel like i pushed him too far sometimes and wasn't very forgiving. I feel like i kept making empty threats, which made him feel very insecure.

I keep thinking if he's missing me or still love me. I've been seeing that he is constantly liking that other girls photos and selfies on instagram, it feels like a stab in the heart i am so so upset I feel like he was lying all this time about not having feelings for her.. she has a boyfriend at the moment but i feel like if they ever get together i would lose it. I don't know what to do i feel like i should move on but i loved this person with my whole heart. We had everything in common, we were planning moving in together, we had cute conversations he made me so so happy.

 

I feel like i've lost the love of my life i don't know what to do.

[Wiseman2]

Don't beat yourself up over this with all the replays. There is so much gobbledygook he said here anyone would be confused.

 

Good job going no contact and not falling for this gibberish 6598824]He then started saying we had no future, he didn't feel 100% some of the time, that he loved me and sometimes he didn't. he said we should just go out separate ways and just be good friends as neither of us was certain about a future.

[batforlashes]

Don't beat yourself up over this with all the replays. There is so much gobbledygook he said here anyone would be confused.

 

Good job going no contact and not falling for this gibberish

 

I don't think i made it clear enough- was quite upset when i was writing this. After our argument he started saying that we had no future and that he felt that he loved me but sometimes he felt like he didn't. I think that the day after he said all this he regretted it, and sent me a long text explaining that he did want to be with me now and in the future, and was sorry for having his doubts, and the times he didn't feel '100%' it was just him not making the effort.

This is the point at which i said he hurt me loads and that we needed to go on a break as i needed to think about it. I really, really regret this now as i'm thinking what more can a man say to prove that he wants to be with me? But then after about two weeks he said that he had just had more time to think and that we should be friends. It's kinda dawning on me that he probably just didn't love me anymore, but didn't want to say it

[batforlashes]

It's been nearly a month since we last spoke, i'm driving myself crazy thinking whether i should send him one last text saying i'm sorry we didn't work out and that i will always love him But he told me he never wants to speak to me again and i'm scared he is over me and i would just get a negative text back saying that he doesn't even love me anymore so maybe i'm better not ever speaking to him again and not knowing? Urgh it's so hard

[Clinton]

Don't send the text. Time to accept it's done and move on.

[RainyCoast]

I hate myself for not telling him i wanted to be with him now and in the future after he told me he decided he did want to be with me. He said he wanted to meet up and discuss things, but i said no as if he had already decided we had no future what was the point? I regret this so much, i believe that if we had had a chance to at least see each other one last time things cold have been different. I am full of regret and sadness, i feel like i pushed him too far sometimes and wasn't very forgiving.

there is nothing YOU could've done. he has simply made you feel guilty by blaming everything on you. according to him, HE is responsible for NONE of what was wrong, it's all your fault, you had a problem with his emotional investment in the other girl, you were wrong for feeling hurt when he acted demeaning to you, he is bloody perfect and it's your fault he's a manhoe and it's your fault he snaps a you, and it's your fault you have a probem with him snapping at you. seriously, what an arse. when a person can't even own up to their share of mistakes, you can't do anything to fix them for them.

 

I really, really regret this now as i'm thinking what more can a man say to prove that he wants to be with me?

ehm, "i am taking therapy to deal with my fixation on this girl, my dishonesty and disrespectful communication, my boundary crossing and emotional infidelity, i have blocked that woman on everything and if i can give you a call when i've completed the treatment and you're willing to have coffee with me i would be glad to reconnect. in the meanwhile, if you find someone better, i will be happy for you and take it as a lesson to not screw up my future relationships like that". but forget saying, talk is cheap. what could he have DONE to prove he loves you? he could have, for starters, respected boundaries and communicate without humiliating you, and he could take responsibility by not blaming you for what HE did to YOU.

 

it is obvious this guy is simply a jerk and there is nothing splendid about him that justifies this remorse you are feeling over having done nothing but expected a modicum of decency out of him.

 

the trouble is, if you face the fact he was a jerk who didn't feel for you what you felt for him, you will feel undeserving, so you are protecting yourself from that by convincing yourself he was better than you, you were insertimaginarysin, he loved you- which translates to you are lovable, and if only you didn't ruin that tiny non-chance (really??), you would've had a happy ever after. if you make yourself the bad one in your head, there is a sliver of hope that if you are remorseful enough, he will grace you with his kindness and give you another chance. if, on the other hand, the truth is simply he didn't love you, than that is scary to you because you take that as proof of not being worhy of love and as proof that this break-up is final.

 

so dispute this nonsense. the reason he didn't love you is not because you aren't lovable, or because you are less lovable than the other girl, but because he is a selfish arse who would gladly have strung along three, four, seven, twentythree of you if he had that many women at his disposal who were willing to settle for a superficial display of a quasi-relationship and take his ridiculously nonsensical cowardly declarations of not-love as love, and convince themselves what a great guy they could have, if only they didn't eff things up quite so idiotically. he doesn't love ANYONE. people are just ego fodder to him.

 

there you have it. you are perfectly lovable and guilt-free and free to go get a guy who doesn't say "i love you but i don't love you and you ruined it when you had a complaint against me treating you like a second choice, crossing relationship boundaries and name-calling you".

[batforlashes]

I know that he could have been a little more respectful to me, we hadn't even been split up for two weeks and he got straight into contact with the person who had caused so many problems for us anyway. It just showed that he was really weak and just started speaking to the person he knew would always be there and be a shoulder to cry on for him. But then again, maybe he had a point we were split so i couldn't really moan about her anymore? I just wish he would have waited a little bit before getting back in contact with the other girl again, but no he just showed he didn't give a flying about me.

 

I've been thinking a lot and i do realise it's over and he's not coming back. I have been writing a sort of goodbye text and i haven't sent it.

 

This is what it says:

Hey -------, i know you said you never want to speak to me again but i know that i would regret it if i didn't try contacting you at least one last time and i won't ever again after this.

I wanted to say i'm sorry for the things i said last time we spoke, i've never been dumped before and i wasn't taking it well.

I was reading all our old Facebook messages and it made me think how much we used to mean to each other and i'm having a hard time realising it's all gone.

I know it's over and i respect your decision. I just want to let you know a few things.

I've been thinking a lot and i realise i probably made you feel very insecure and unwanted sometimes by saying i wasn't happy in our relationship. I should have just told you when i felt you upset me rather than threatening to end it and saying i wasn't happy in the relationship when i was, i was just unhappy with the way i was treated for a while but i should have spoken to you about it.

I also realise i sometimes had really stupid ideas in my head and was so mean for not letting you stay round mine at certain times and stuff. I can see that maybe it didn't make you feel very nice and i really regret it. We rarely had proper time alone together and i think it really killed the special relationship we once had.

 

I'm very sad over the fact that we hadn't seen each other for so long (since April) and it think it really caused a distance between us. I think if we had at least one last time maybe it would have rekindled the bond we once had.

 

One last thing. Even though you denied it and were always true to me, deep down in my heart a knew you've always had feelings for ------. I don't even blame you or hate you for it. It must have been very hard to choose between two people. I knew this and it's why i'd get very anxious, but i knew you really made and effort to distance yourself and i never told you how much i appreciated it. I was in the wrong for even mentioning anything about it after we broke up, i was just really angry and not taking the break up well. I wish you no hatred about it at all. There's nothing else i can say about it now. I know she has a boyfriend but if you ever get together i hope she gives you everything i couldn't, and i truly don't mean it in a hateful way.

 

Last thing i wanted to day is i still love you more than anything, probably always will and i've accepted that. I was obsessed with you and don't think i'm ever gonna find anyone as amazing. Maybe we just weren't meant to be together and there's nothing much i can do about that. I see now towards the end we were fighting and couldn't always get along, and you were probably losing feelings for me. I just want you to know, i am grateful for our time together. I'm glad i met such a cute, funny and interesting person who taught me so much about music. I was with someone who i adored and would have done anything for. I feel like we loved each other so strongly and not many people can say that. I will always remember you. I realise towards the end, you probably didn't love me anymore and your over me but that's ok. It's ok if you don't respond or care, i just wanted to send you one last text to say thank you for everything and goodbye. I don't think we can ever be friends or anything, but i've had a long think and i wouldn't mind hearing from you now and then to see what your up to if you like.

I'm sorry we didn't work out, i wish you all the best in life and hope everything works out for you.

 

 

How does this sound? I wanted to let him know i still loved him but i've accepted it's over.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly, I think you're right. Just try to stay no contact and one step forward at a time.

It's kinda dawning on me that he probably just didn't love me anymore, but didn't want to say it

[batforlashes]

Sadly, I think you're right. Just try to stay no contact and one step forward at a time.

 

 

Yeah as time goes on i'm starting to think contacting him probably wouldn't be a good idea. Save myself the heartache, try and move on and actually find someone that does want to be with me

[Shack1972]

Speaking from experience...this person is just leading you on and keeping the door open in case things don't work out with his other options.

 

I'm making the mistake of giving the impression I'm fighting for her and she responds and occasionally will hang out as friends. But it's not the same, nor will it ever be.

 

He tried to shift the blame to you so he didn't have to deal with the guilt. You sound like a great girl... a lot of guys would be lucky to have you.

 

Stay strong! Wish I was as far as long as you are .

[batforlashes]

Speaking from experience...this person is just leading you on and keeping the door open in case things don't work out with his other options.

 

I'm making the mistake of giving the impression I'm fighting for her and she responds and occasionally will hang out as friends. But it's not the same, nor will it ever be.

 

He tried to shift the blame to you so he didn't have to deal with the guilt. You sound like a great girl... a lot of guys would be lucky to have you.

 

Stay strong! Wish I was as far as long as you are .

 

Thank you, i'm kinda at the point where i'm like oh well it's his loss anyway. I have a confession to make though, it's been a month since we last spoke and i did send the text just a highly edited version which said i love you & goodbye.. I feel i am ready to move on, so if i get no response or a negative one i can just be like oh well his loss

[Wiseman2]

That's an interesting way to think of it...indifference. Agree it's a good barometer of moving on.

I feel i am ready to move on, so if i get no response or a negative one i can just be like oh well his loss

[batforlashes]

He did reply in the end, saying he wouldn't mind being friends. No apologies or anything though

Sigh i just said probably not because of my feelings but wouldn't mind hearing from him occasionally. This guy is really over me huh?

[Wiseman2]

Ok so now you have closure and can move on. It wouldn't be a good idea to stay friends that term is so nebulous it could mean anything from text now and then to fwb or just plain break-up bs. In any event. Set your sights forward and try to stay no contact.

He did reply in the end, saying he wouldn't mind being friends. i just said probably not because of my feelings but wouldn't mind hearing from him occasionally

[batforlashes]

Bit of an update, my ex told the other girl that we split... we hadn't even been split up 2 weeks when he did. He asked her to go to a gig with him and it hadn't even been split up a month. I confronted him and he said he had no romantic feelings for her... they're now liking each others photos on instagram, flirting on twitter, ect. She still has a boyfriend tho. I dunno what to think really. I wish that he had a little bit more respect for me, but he clearly doesn't. He knows the other girl has strong feelings for him, i just feel like all he does is lie. He's hurt her and he's hurt me now. He's just lying and manipulative, and i wish i hadn;t spent so much time, effort and money on someone who clearly was't that into me.

I wish i could move on, he clearly has but it's easier said than done, i was so in love with this person. Still am. Like he clearly knows i can see all this and he just doesn't care

[Wiseman2]

Agree, he sounds kind of shallow. Even though you are hurting be glad you cut your losses. You still love who you thought he was not who he turned out to be.

He's just lying and manipulative, and i wish i hadn;t spent so much time, effort and money on someone who clearly was't that into me. I wish i could move on, he clearly has but it's easier said than done, i was so in love with this person. Still am. Like he clearly knows i can see all this and he just doesn't care