At a Loss

[4everConfused]

Hi everyone,

 

I have never done this before but I am out of options. Almost 4 years ago I found the love of my life, when I first met him he was my dream come true. He is the first man I have ever been in love with and I don't know how to live without him. I have always been very logical but a hopeless romantic too. When I met him I was in my mid twenties and had been divorced for about two years, he too was divorced and in his early thirties. While getting to know each other, he told me that his spouse was unfaithful; the reason for my divorce was because my ex husband was unfaithful. In my head, I thought this man would never cheat on me because he has felt and seen the destruction cheating can cause a person. It wasn't until I met his family that I found out, it wasn't his ex wife that cheated but rather him. He was unfaithful to her. He and I talked about why he didn't tell me but he just apologized and we got passed it. Sadly not 8 months into our relationship he slept with his ex girlfriend. But that wasn't the end, he slept with another woman too. He used many dating and hookup apps. I didn't find out about all of this until about a year ago. I have tried to forgive him for some reason but he has continued to lie to me. Small things, big things, nonsense things, he just doesn't tell the truth anymore. He says he is afraid I will not believe him or think something else.

 

When I asked him why he did what he did, his basic answer was that I made him feel insecure.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't believe him when he tells me that he only slept with two people, I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth and I'm just so overwhelmed by all my emotions that I don't know what to do. I simply am at a standstill.

[Wiseman2]

Most cheaters lie to cover their tracks. Are you ok with a chronic cheater/liar?

I don't believe him when he tells me that he only slept with two people, I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth

[greta96]

You are at a standstill because you are allowing yourself to be at a standstill. What you need to do is clear as day, but nobody can do it for you, you need to want to do it yourself.

The guy has deep issues, and won't change for you. He is not everything you ever wanted, unless you always wanted to be with a pathological liar and a cheater. Take off your rose colored glasses and help your heart catch up with your brain, because your brain is screaming at you that the guy is a loser.

Dump asap and don't look back.

[radiance]

This relationship just isn't going to work - you've already said you don't trust him, and with good reason, and it looks like he's just going to keep on lying to you... You need to end this and move on.

[nutbrownhare]

Of course you don't believe him when he tells you he only slept with two people!! Nobody in their right mind would.

 

Looking for someone who is a 'dream come true' is a seductive idea... but it can often be just a fantasy. When you think of the characteristics of your ideal man, are 'liar' and 'cheat' in there anywhere?

 

And to cap it all, he's trying to make out that it's you doing something wrong - by not believing his c**p, and then trying to tell you you're causing his personal problems.

 

So add - 'unable to take responsibility for his own actions' to the list above.

 

You survived and thrived before you met him. If you break up, it's going to be a body blow in the short term - largely because you're very loyal, and wedded to the fantasy that he's the love of your life - but nothing, nothing, nothing compared to the pain, devastation to your self esteem and potentially your sanity if you endure any more of this. Stop asking him for rational explanations of his appalling behaviour. There aren't any - but you can drive yourself crazy trying to find them.

 

Get out of there as soon as you can. When you say you're out of options, do you have friends, family, anyone where you can stay to create a bit of distance while you get your bearings?

[4everConfused]

I have tried to leave him several times. We have even gotten into physical fights. Last time I tried to leave him, he asked if "this was over for me" I said "Yes, there is nothing left here" his response "well it isn't over for me and unless you do something drastic this isn't over"

 

His definition of something drastic is me sleeping with someone else or going on a date or something but I don't even think about dating anyone let alone sleeping with another person. UUUUUGGHH!!

[4everConfused]

GOSH! Just love this "Never wrestle with a pig. If you do, you'll both get filthy; the difference is that the pig will enjoy it!" Thank you

 

 

And no, I don't have many of anything in the form of friends or family. I lost all my friends because of him.

[Wiseman2]

It's typical for abusers to be cheaters/liars. And control and isolate you. Call a domestic violence agency to talk to someone who can direct you to local help.

I have tried to leave him several times. We have even gotten into physical fights. Last time I tried to leave him, he asked if "this was over for me" I said "Yes, there is nothing left here" his response "well it isn't over for me and unless you do something drastic this isn't over"

[lostandhurt]

Dump him, call your friends you lost because of him and tell them you dumped him for good and then block him on everything. If he harasses you call the police, is that drastic enough?

 

He is a cheater and cheaters lie and then lie some more. This is what they do and the way they live their lives and he has proven he will not change.

 

It is up to you to dump him and take back the control of your life you have given him. You have all kinds of options but he best one is kick him to the curb today!!!

 

Lost