magus7000 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Hello everyone, Here is my story- I dated a girl for over four years and it was absolutely wonderful. Everything was perfect and we never fought once. We built a house together and moved in about two years into the relationsihp. Last fall, we got engaged and things continued to be fantastic. A little over a month ago, my fiance told me that she is having doubts about being engaged because she is young (she is 23 and I am 30) and that she has this strong desire to be on her own because she never was in her adult life. She had these feelings before, but we worked on them after just a few days of discussion and she seemed to be doing great! This time, though, she was fairly serious, so we broke off the engagement. Everything was still good, but over the next week or so, she slowly started to drift away and then started spending some nights at her parents or a friend's house. Through texting, she eventually said that she just has this overwhelming desire to be on her own and not be in a relationship right now and she broke up with me. I was obviously devastated, but we still continued to briefly talk here and there until she just said that she needs some time to think and for about a week we stopped talking. When we started talking again, she said that she's been having seem feelings about coming back to me, but she wanted to be honest with me first (here it comes...). One of the friends she has been staying with is actually one of my male friends. My ex and him started getting friendly a few months ago and even though I expressed my concerns, my ex firmly stated that I had nothing to worry about and that I was the only one that mattered. Well, she and this guy made out and had sex. My ex was incredibly apologetic and said that she made a big mistake and has only been able to think about me since it happened. I felt like I had been stabbed and yet... all I wanted to do was forgive her. I am so deeply connected to this woman that I forgave her. It's been a week since she broke the news to me. We've been talking a fair amount and she says that she misses me, wishes she could just be friends with this guy again and each day she feels the desire to come home getting stronger. We saw each other for the first time in two weeks last week and I read her a letter about how much she hurt me. She said she was so sad for me while I was reading it and cares about me so much. So here is my problem and questions- She continues to live with this guy and while she said they are not sexually active at all, they are still somewhat close (maybe kissing... I don't want to know...). She stated last night that she is just a mess of confusion and doesn't know what she wants and needs some time. I want to give her time because I think there could be a reconciliation between us, but her living at this friend's house is weighing on me tremendously. Do you think there is potential for us to get back together? She claims that she did not technically cheat on me and I guess she didn't, but it certainly feels like it. If we started being together again, I think it would take me a long time to be physical with her again because all I think about when I think of being physical with her is him. I think if we started dating again, I would have to approach it like a fresh relationship, but I know we need to thoroughly discuss our wants/needs, how she needs to earn my trust and what possibly lead to the break-up. This sucks. I go to bed each night just wondering what they are doing and it's making me go crazy. Any help would be great. Thank you all. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 It sounds like she had an affair with this guy. Do you think she wants to come back? One of the friends she has been staying with is actually one of my male friends. she and this guy made out and had sex. She continues to live with this guy. her living at this friend's house is weighing on me tremendously Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I am sorry this happened to you and I know it hurts but don't let the pain and feelings of missing her cloud your judgment. Simply tell her this: "You broke up with me to be on your own and figure things out but that is not what you did. You broke up with me and moved in with _____ and now have been intimate with him. If we are ever to work you need to do as you said you were going to do which was be on your own and make your own life and then maybe we can try again. Living with ______ and staying friends with him will only push me farther away so when you decide we are a priority let me know" Then leave it at that. Reading between the lines I am sure your gut is telling you that she broke up with you to test drive this guy that has obviously been in the picture flirting with her for some time and now that she got what she thought she wanted it isn't as good as her expectations had built it up to be. In the end this may turn out to be the best thing that could have happened because you could have been married a year when she pulled this on you. Stay strong and be firm! You are not an option so don't be one. Either she gets this guy out of her life and focuses on your relationship or total NC on your part. By the way this friend of yours is no friend. Lost Link to comment
Clinton Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Aww come on. I know you're hurt but do you really want this back??? And the whole she's living with him but they're not having sex is BS and deep down you know it. And he's one of your friends???? Grab some self respect and take a pass. Link to comment
magus7000 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Share Posted July 13, 2016 I am a firm believer in second chances and not immediately throwing away something that has great potential, despite its flaws. I don't think they are currently having sex and think she is just a very confused and scared person right now. I told her I can't work on our relationship if he is still in the picture and she understands and is trying to figure out what is best for herself. Thank you all for the advice so far. And no, he is not a friend of mine anymore and will never be again. Link to comment
Maximus007 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I don't understand how and why she moved in w/ a male friend in the first place? That is lame as hell and opened this can of worms. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 She sounds extremely selfish and immature, and I agree with the above poster that she probably broke up with you to test the waters with him. If you take her back easily, she may very well repeat this behavior many times in the future, knowing that you'll always be there to forgive and take her back. I hate to be negative, because I know how it feels to love someone and want to give them a second chance and believe that they were just lost and confused. Believe me, I know how you feel. But from the outside looking in, I would say that she doesn't deserve a second chance, and that she can't be trusted. Sorry, just my opinion. If you DO take her back, make her work for it. And she needs to get this guy out of her life completely and ASAP. Otherwise, the threat will always be there as long as he's nearby. She's the one who messed up, now she needs to be the one to fix it - which includes making sacrifices like dropping this guy entirely. Link to comment
Wolfshook Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Come on she left you to fck another guy. If she needs x amount of penises in her life let her have it and say "fck you" to her. You will find somebody that is worth it. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Sorry you are hurting and want to believe her that she is merely 'confused'. But this was only one of the first in a series of lies/contradictions. she has this strong desire to be on her own-She continues to live with this guy Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I am a firm believer in second chances and not immediately throwing away something that has great potential, despite its flaws. I don't think they are currently having sex and think she is just a very confused and scared person right now. I told her I can't work on our relationship if he is still in the picture and she understands and is trying to figure out what is best for herself. Thank you all for the advice so far. And no, he is not a friend of mine anymore and will never be again. Sorry, I thanked this post by error. I have no doubt this is a painful situation, however it appears you're selling yourself short by making excuses for her. Not to sound harsh, but it may be helpful to look clearly at what's directly in front of you, as opposed to what you'd like to see directly in front of you. Link to comment
Clinton Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Magus, you're in deep denial here. She's not some scared, delicate ingenue who was preyed upon by an evil man. She got with him because she wanted to hump his bones. It was a conscious choice. He's not letting her stay with him because he's a nice guy. He's still banging her. Picture that in your head for a second Sounds like you AND your ex friend got played. If you want her back so be it. She sounds like a real treat Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Magus, where in the world are you? In the UK your ex fiancé would be called a slapper or trollop. There's a song by The Rolling Stones called 'Yesterdays Papers', your story is as old as the hills. You have a unpleasant emotionally immature ex fiancé and an asshat for a friend. You will most likely eventually find out he finished with her, and she's running back to a familiar safe port. You should be thankful you never married this horrible woman, and block both their sorry asses out of your life in every way possible. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 If I were you I would wonder what happens the next time some guy starts hitting on her and she gets "confused". Will you be back here asking the same question. Take her off the pedestal, discount her excuses and be brutally honest with yourself on what happened. She broke up with you not because she was confused but because some new guy came into her life and flirted with her and told her all kinds of BS to get in her pants while still with you so she dumped you to be with him. She hasn't told you all the truth so why not ask her how long your ex friend was "talking" to her while you were still a couple. I noticed how she said she didn't technically cheat on you and she made sure of that by lining your ex friend up first, then breaking up with you and then had sex with him. Nice plan don't you think? Another thought just came to me. She knew this guy was your friend and yet she climbed right into bed with him. He is a D-bag for doing that to you and she is a selfish uncaring and disrespectful girl for doing what she did. She not only ruined your relationship, she also ruined a friendship. I can see you are going to take her back but she has to be brutally honest with you on how and when all this went down and the big question is WHY? Lost Link to comment
luisannalui Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 This is the only post that I'm not even gonna say anything, anything we say he won't listen. He's in complete denial. Best of luck man! Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 She's also showing signs of cluster b personality disorders, possibly sociopathy. This type of fruit loop is the last person you build a home with, or have kids together with. I really hop OP does the right thing. Link to comment
nihongo Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Why do you forgive her and not him? Link to comment
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