Need some advice

[marktristin]

Hey Everyone,

 

I just wanted to say thank you to all the people who are on this website, reading stories and listening to your replies have really helped me even though I have never posted anything until now.

 

My story starts about 3 months ago when My ex and I broke up for the "final" time. For the last year or so we had been going through a lot of respect and trust issues and were having trouble communicating. We had been dating for nearly 6 years and were very involved with each other as far as friends/activities/ and just in general spending time with each other. There had always been fights and issues that we kept pushing through and we had overcame a lot while growing together. The fighting really picked up the last year or so and we would "break up" for a few hours or a day and get back together (not healthy at all). I finally decided to end the relationship back in the beginning of April due do her wanting to have more interest in going out with her friends than with me. I felt as if there was no respect for the time I had taken off for her from working very hard. After a few days I felt that I had over reacted and went back to speak to her. She insisted that she was finally done with me and was talking to other guys already. I was hurt but I felt that if she could speak to other men so fast she really did not care about working things out. Withing the next week I found out that she was already talking to someone else who came down to see her. I was very hurt so I called her and asked her for closure and she said hes a gentleman unlike you and i really like him. This effected me a lot so I stopped talking to her. She deleted me off of every social media and added him to everything.

After a month of no contact she calls me from a random number and I picked up. She asks for advise on her new relationship and asks me to help her/ be her friend still since we were best friends for 6 years. I said there is no way that is happening since I am still in love with you. The following month I decided to get off of social media and work on myself. I had a few more missed calls from random numbers and some from unknown numbers as well (which I now know is her) usually once per week and i did receive a call on what would have been our 6 year anniversary. The mutual friends did not contact me for the whole period until about a week ago and started asking whats up and questions. I know she is still with this guy in a LDR but she has been logging into my old emails, snap chat ( Which i have since changed the password), and calling from random numbers. I am not sure of what she wants and was wondering if this has ever happened to you or anyone you know. I have not picked up her random or unknown calls since the last time we spoke about her wanting to be friends. I did not receive any apology or her feeling any which way about anything. I feel she is just playing games to keep me along and just gets bored and curious when she has nothing to do so she calls from random numbers. If you guys have any input that would be appreciated.

[ParisPaulette]

I've had this happen. I have an ex who cheated on me repeatedly, would break up then get me back, do this over and over for six years until I had had enough. I now treat him like the telemarketer he is trying to sell me something I no longer want to buy and never will again. That means I block, delete, refuse to go down that road.

 

And yes, you're right. When she's bored or things are not working out she wants your comfort. Total unbelievable gall to ask you to help her with her new relationship.

 

Stay the course. Tell any mutual friends you don't want to hear it, that you are done with her forever. Block and delete any random numbers. If she reaches you tell her it's done, not interested, hang up.

 

Over time you will see more and more red flags and come to realize more and more how messed up the entire thing was. You deserve better than to accept a demotion from loved one to shoulder to cry on, which is what she wants.

 

I'm sorry, but the best thing you can do for both of you is refuse to be that shoulder AND to let her deal with the full weight of her own actions. And it's pretty much done, because anyone who would be that selfish and careless of your own feelings is not someone you will ever be able to have a sane relationship with.

 

Believe me, I tried this with my ex. He hoovered me back in so many times with the whole "let's be friends" and me having to listen to him rave about some other woman and try to be "the better person" and help him, only to have him dump them when they called him on his crap and come running back to me to do the same thing each and every time. I was good enough to run back to, but not good enough to keep.

 

I finally decided I deserved better, I blocked all contact, refused to look back, found far far FAR better and married someone that puts my ex to total shame. I'm happy now, you will be too. I know it may seem hard right now, but staying NC and focusing on your own healing, believing that you do deserve better, will get you to a far better place in your life.

 

And if she's unhappy then that's on her. She needs to learn to stop being selfish and to treat people better. That a grown woman hasn't learned that yet is a bit alarming and maybe she will or maybe she won't, but it's not your concern.

 

P.S. My ex went on to do the same thing to two other women after me. He still tries to contact me once in a while, maybe every six months, I just block and ignore. It's done. It's simply that to this day he can't accept that I no longer what anything to do with him, because for six years I let him come back no matter what he did. I'm sure it's more ego and him wanting to maintain control over me than it is real love. I know what real love is now with my husband. It's called being consistent and not changing your mind every damn two months as to what you want or don't. There's a lot to be said for consistency of emotions and feelings, it's really nice now with my husband and I would never go back to my ex or anyone like him ever again. I'm just sorry I wasted six years, oh well. Lesson learned I suppose.

 

You will get there, keep going. I'm sorry you had this happen, but remember you are free of it now and you need to keep it that way. Good news is when you see those type of red flags in the future chances are good you'll be a whole lot less likely to make the same mistakes again.

[Wiseman2]

I agree. Attention. The random number after blocking thing is bizarre. Is she keeping tabs on you via social media? What kind of stuff is she texting/messaging?

I feel she is just playing games to keep me along and just gets bored and curious when she has nothing to do so she calls from random numbers. If you guys have any input that would be appreciated.

[marktristin]

I agree. Attention. The random number after blocking thing is bizarre. Is she keeping tabs on you via social media? What kind of stuff is she texting/messaging?

 

She had been checking up on me via loggin into my old email address and mutual friends started randomly asking me how I was since I turned all my social media off

[Wiseman2]

Yikes! Hopefully you've changed all your passwords.

She had been checking up on me via loggin into my old email address and mutual friends started randomly asking me how I was since I turned all my social media off