help with funk/sadness

[MarchMadness]

Hello All,

I joined a few months ago. I have been primarily a reader not a poster, but i wanted to reach out to this group because everyone is really supportive and gives great advice. My favorite so far is "thru suffering comes growth"- it's been my mantra for a while. So on to my "rant" i guess. My BF broke up with me last fall pretty much unexpectedly, in hindsight it felt like that at the time but with time and perspective and honesty with myself i realized there had been red flags. No cheating or dishonesty he said he was unhappy and needed to figure things out. I went straight no contact (before i even knew that was a thing to do) and other then him showing up at my door a few weeks later to return my stuff (with no notice) i have been 100% NO CONTACT (deleted contact info, removed him from Facebook- i promise i have not cheated once!). Its been hard but i have worked hard at realizing my part in the demise and how to be a better me. I can tell with each month i feel different and stronger- i do think of him more often then i would like, but i have not done anything to act on my missing him other then try and work on myself.

Then last night i went on ANOTHER EX's facebook page- this ex and i ended about 6-7 years ago (we dated about 2 years). I was DEVASTATED with that break up and went into a depression saw a therapist, it took about a year plus of solid crying to get over him. So i see on his page he is now married- i am guessing at least a few years now. I can say with 100% honesty that I have NO feelings for him and good for him to find someone to share the rest of his life. What it HAS done to me however is put me into a funk perhaps even a little "depression" (i dont really want to use that word as i have felt what REAL depression is and its not that, buts its more then a funk i guess). When i met both of these men they were working on "getting back their lives" after divorces and job changes. I never "lost" myself in these relationships yet helped both of them with emotional support and pushed both of them to better themselves (as they did with me too)- they did the majority of the work i was just there as support. Both men changed careers, bought new homes (from apartment living) and got back on their feet financially. All the while i made sure that we were maintaining our relationship as a couple (sexually, dating, keeping things fresh and passionate) And now i feel like i help these men and then we break up after they are better people? I in no way feel used, but if i am honest i feel like they got better and moved on? Does that make sense?

I have had an extraordinary life- more friends then one should be blessed to have, I have a great relationship with my family, i am physically, and for the most part mentally healthy, i have made wise and calculated financial decisions that I should be OK for at least the foreseeable future- YET this has really set me back. I guess i am looking for advice or thoughts about what and what is triggering this? please don't tell me that i shouldn't have been looking on the OLD EX facebook page- seeing him did nothing. And i can guarantee you i wont go to the most recent EX's page.

After re-reading this i feel like i described these relationships a bit sterile" but they were anything but sterile! They were both fun, true partnership, intellectual, the first one was really good sexually the second was more "comfortable" sexually. I think i am sounding that way because i have tried to distance myself from both of these situations...ok now i am rambling. Thoughts?

[abitbroken]

I am so sorry you are feeling down.

 

I never "lost" myself in these relationships yet helped both of them with emotional support and pushed both of them to better themselves (as they did with me too)- they did the majority of the work i was just there as support. Both men changed careers, bought new homes (from apartment living) and got back on their feet financially. All the while i made sure that we were maintaining our relationship as a couple (sexually, dating, keeping things fresh and passionate) And now i feel like i help these men and then we break up after they are better people? I in no way feel used, but if i am honest i feel like they got better and moved on? Does that make sense?

 

It seems to me a pattern of choosing men who are "fixer uppers" - who need a therapist, a motivational coach, not a girlfriend. They are recently divorced and don't have their lives on track and don't know who they are as a single (divorced, solo) man. Oftentimes, there is often heartache when you choose someone who is on the rebound, or they outgrow you. I think, after a time of perhaps some counseling, it might be a good idea to be choosier in who you date and how you meet them. And to meet a variety of men (speed dates, meetup, etc.) so you are not so focused on just one initially.

 

I think you are upset that your other ex married not because you want HIM, but because here you are two relationships later and you are still single after all the help you gave.

[MarchMadness]

I had never thought about that before that I may be getting into relationships that need more "fixing" then just being. Also I completely agree with you I am more upset that he moved on and found someone as I am still working on things.

Thanks for your reply.