A guy asked my girlfriend to "hang out" but it seems like it's a date

[2confused2]

Hi,

 

I'm asking for advice here and not sure if I'm just jealous and thinking too much. My girlfriend is out of country and we are in a LDR. A person whom we both kind of know (meaning, we never hung out with him before, but knew him as we spoke with him and went to the same school) saw that my girlfriend was in the same country as he was from a facebook post. Turns out they weren't far from each other and he said "we should hang out" to her.

 

She didn't really want to and told me about it. I obviously didn't want to be controlling so I told her it's totally her choice. In the end, he was persistent and she didn't want to be "mean" so she said ok. They have dinner planned because he works during the day and can't do a lunch.

 

Now, I don't know how casual or formal this dinner is, but I'm hoping it's casual. She tells me everything, but I don't feel good about this guy, because first of all, none of us have ever "hung out" with him before. He does have a girlfriend.

 

Essentially, she told me they will meet at like a mall and walk to find somewhere to eat cause they both are rather new to the area. She said he initially suggested a place to eat in a place surrounded by LV, Gucci stores, etc....which really struck me because that sounds like a "date".

 

I am confused because it just seems weird a guy would be so persistent in trying to hang out with a girl he has never hung out with in person. They have talked on FB in the past in an academic way (in academic clubs or groups together with other people involved) but never in a "friends" kind of way.

 

I usually have nothing against grabbing food or hanging out with guy friends whom she KNOWS well and has hung out with before, but this time it's odd to me. Is he trying to "get it in", "impress her", etc? It's also confusing because he has a girlfriend (as far as I know)

 

Or am I thinking too much?

[E98]

Hi,

 

I'm asking for advice here and not sure if I'm just jealous and thinking too much. My girlfriend is out of country and we are in a LDR. A person whom we both kind of know (meaning, we never hung out with him before, but knew him as we spoke with him and went to the same school) saw that my girlfriend was in the same country as he was from a facebook post. Turns out they weren't far from each other and he said "we should hang out" to her.

 

She didn't really want to and told me about it. I obviously didn't want to be controlling so I told her it's totally her choice. In the end, he was persistent and she didn't want to be "mean" so she said ok. They have dinner planned because he works during the day and can't do a lunch.

 

Now, I don't know how casual or formal this dinner is, but I'm hoping it's casual. She tells me everything, but I don't feel good about this guy, because first of all, none of us have ever "hung out" with him before. He does have a girlfriend.

 

Essentially, she told me they will meet at like a mall and walk to find somewhere to eat cause they both are rather new to the area. She said he initially suggested a place to eat in a place surrounded by LV, Gucci stores, etc....which really struck me because that sounds like a "date".

 

I am confused because it just seems weird a guy would be so persistent in trying to hang out with a girl he has never hung out with in person. They have talked on FB in the past in an academic way (in academic clubs or groups together with other people involved) but never in a "friends" kind of way.

 

I usually have nothing against grabbing food or hanging out with guy friends whom she KNOWS well and has hung out with before, but this time it's odd to me. Is he trying to "get it in", "impress her", etc? It's also confusing because he has a girlfriend (as far as I know)

 

Or am I thinking too much?

 

I think it's hard to figure out exactly what his intentions are in this situation. Does his girlfriend live in the same country or is it the same as your case, long distance? You should always give someone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's glad to see someone he at least has some kind of connection with in a new country. Even if his intentions are more than just hanging out, your girlfriend seemed a bit iffy about going so I doubt she'd treat it as anything more than hanging out.

[ParisPaulette]

Really? Your girlfriend can't establish boundaries for herself and tell some guy to buzz off just because he's "persistent"? I'm sorry, but it's a date. She may not think so, but yes it's a date and he has other intentions.

 

Just friendly get together is because of lunch or on a weekend. I'm sure this guy doesn't work all weekend.

 

Tell you what, tell your girlfriend some girl near you has been very persistent about meeting you at a nice restaurant at night because she works during the day. Then ask your girlfriend if she'd be cool with it since she is with going out with some guy who is so persistent. But nothing is happening.

 

See what she says. My guess would be she'd come unglued. I have a ton of guy friends, but someone I know only casually trying to get me to meet up with them at night? Nope, that's a date and I see right through that crap.

 

Either your girlfriend is incredibly naïve OR she's not exactly telling you the truth. I would tell her it's not cool with me and has she even told this guy she's with you and has no interest in him romantically?

[DancingFool]

Sounds to me like new in the country and desperate for friends and someone at least somewhat familiar, as in from the same country/culture as he is. I doubt very much there is anything more behind his insistence to hang out other than "omg I kind of know someone in this strange land where I don't know anyone at all." I doubt he'd contact her at all if you all were at home.

 

Anyway, either you trust your gf or you don't. Always keep in mind that it's on her and if she chooses to cheat, she doesn't need this guy in particular, she can do it any time she wants. I assume you are with her because she is trustworthy so stick with that and don't go all weird on her about nothing. She is perfectly capable of handling things herself with him or anyone.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like a date. Ask her if she thinks he's trying to get with her.

they will meet at like a mall and walk to find somewhere to eat cause they both are rather new to the area. She said he initially suggested a place to eat in a place surrounded by LV, Gucci stores, etc....which really struck me because that sounds like a "date".

[2confused2]

I think it's hard to figure out exactly what his intentions are in this situation. Does his girlfriend live in the same country or is it the same as your case, long distance? You should always give someone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's glad to see someone he at least has some kind of connection with in a new country. Even if his intentions are more than just hanging out, your girlfriend seemed a bit iffy about going so I doubt she'd treat it as anything more than hanging out.

 

That's what I'm thinking, because they happen to live in the same district in that country too. She wouldn't accept advances but she's a nice girl who doesn't exactly know what to say to turn someone down.

 

Really? Your girlfriend can't establish boundaries for herself and tell some guy to buzz off just because he's "persistent"? I'm sorry, but it's a date. She may not think so, but yes it's a date and he has other intentions.

 

Just friendly get together is because of lunch or on a weekend. I'm sure this guy doesn't work all weekend.

 

Tell you what, tell your girlfriend some girl near you has been very persistent about meeting you at a nice restaurant at night because she works during the day. Then ask your girlfriend if she'd be cool with it since she is with going out with some guy who is so persistent. But nothing is happening.

 

See what she says. My guess would be she'd come unglued. I have a ton of guy friends, but someone I know only casually trying to get me to meet up with them at night? Nope, that's a date and I see right through that crap.

 

Either your girlfriend is incredibly naïve OR she's not exactly telling you the truth. I would tell her it's not cool with me and has she even told this guy she's with you and has no interest in him romantically?

 

He doesn't work all weekend, but he works during the day and week, and my girlfriend will leave the country this weekend so...

 

Also, yes it makes me feel awkward because I feel like it matches the definition of a "date".

 

The only thing is she doesn't say it is because she didn't even want to go, it's just that she's too nice to know how exactly to say "no". I told her to find excuses and just say she's busy. But it's one of those situations where I can kind of relate, because sometimes people who are "less than friends but more than strangers" ask, and it's hard to just be like no...

 

He is well off, but I don't think that has much to do with this.

 

Also, if it helps to add this...I'm going to be eating dinner one on one with a girl as well, but it's more of a business relationship. We work at the same company and she's thankful I helped her with interviews, etc so she is treating me to dinner.

[2confused2]

Sounds like a date. Ask her if she thinks he's trying to get with her.

 

She would say, "no I don't think so, and even if he does don't worry, I'm not stupid"

[Wiseman2]

Ask her anyway...not for the answer but for the reaction to the question.

She would say....

[2confused2]

Ask her anyway...not for the answer but for the reaction to the question.

 

I'll try it! What do I say if she says "maybe"? or "probably not..."/"i don't think so"

[lostandhurt]

I have been in this situation where I was the guy asking but the woman was single. I made it clear it was just friends because that was my only interest in her. Well I texted her my plans for that evening and she replied "Sounds like a date to me" and I replied "No date, just two friends spending time together" I had to remind her that it was just friends.

 

Tell your gf to remind him she has a bf and this dinner is just friends and dutch. That way there is no awkward problems later.

 

Lost

[2confused2]

I have been in this situation where I was the guy asking but the woman was single. I made it clear it was just friends because that was my only interest in her. Well I texted her my plans for that evening and she replied "Sounds like a date to me" and I replied "No date, just two friends spending time together" I had to remind her that it was just friends.

 

Tell your gf to remind him she has a bf and this dinner is just friends and dutch. That way there is no awkward problems later.

 

Lost

 

The thing is, she's the type of girl who wouldn't bring this topic up first for the sake of it "being awkward".

 

She would never just say this...as much as I wish she would. I know that she wouldn't.

 

She's more of the type that would just go through it and tell me about it afterwards and not talk to the person anymore if it was indeed creepy for her. (I hope, at least)

[E98]

Ask her anyway...not for the answer but for the reaction to the question.

 

Agreed. I don't think she would mind if you simply asked her for her reaction. She'll understand and she'd probably do the exact same thing if she was in your situation.

[2confused2]

Agreed. I don't think she would mind if you simply asked her for her reaction. She'll understand and she'd probably do the exact same thing if she was in your situation.

 

When I told her that I was having dinner with a girl too (in a business context), I told her that "it's fine I understand, these situations come up", she replied "yeah it's totally fine, these things happen". So she didn't seem to mind too much.

 

Basically when she mentioned she was going to be having dinner to me, I implied it through my reactions that I was a bit jealous and not too happy with the guy asking her. She knows this and I know she is trying to make it not that big of a deal so that I don't go crazy. This drives me to forums cause I'm so confused LOL

 

What is a bit weird (maybe it's not), is that two days ago, her best friend's cousin hit on her, and she totally ignored him and replied with one word answers because he's like 10 years older than her (she's 25), and because he's her best friend's cousin and she barely knows him too (they hung out once with her best friend around)...but I don't see the difference between that situation and this one. They are similar to me. The only thing that bothers me is she replied (albeit hesitantly).

[DancingFool]

Why don't you just be honest that you don't trust her, don't think she can possibly handle herself, believe that any guy can just manipulate her any which way he wants because she is so weak minded and incapable of saying "no", and tell her that basically she needs to stop interacting with half of this word's population because you don't trust her that way and can't handle the idea. Then let her figure out if she still wants to date you or not. OR you can just acknowledge that you are being an insecure twit and let it go and work on yourself so you become a better more secure man.

[j.man]

Personally, and I know it's arbitrary, but while I'm all for casual lunch or coffee meetups between opposite sex friends, I'm not hot on meeting up for dinner. Maybe if they were co-workers just going out for a quick bite after work, but I'd be a bit put off in this case.

 

It wouldn't be enough for me to really worry, though. I'd give them a pass as they're just familiar faces in a different country. If you trust her, leave it to her to read the signs. So long as they go dutch and she's not agreeing to see him again in a few days, I don't think you have much reason to feel threatened.

[2confused2]

Why don't you just be honest that you don't trust her, don't think she can possibly handle herself, believe that any guy can just manipulate her any which way he wants because she is so weak minded and incapable of saying "no", and tell her that basically she needs to stop interacting with half of this word's population because you don't trust her that way and can't handle the idea. Then let her figure out if she still wants to date you or not. OR you can just acknowledge that you are being an insecure twit and let it go and work on yourself so you become a better more secure man.

 

No, you're totally right. I should. It's just that this situation strikes me as strange and rang a bell. Just looking for opinions! Thank you though honestly

[E98]

Why don't you just be honest that you don't trust her, don't think she can possibly handle herself, believe that any guy can just manipulate her any which way he wants because she is so weak minded and incapable of saying "no", and tell her that basically she needs to stop interacting with half of this word's population because you don't trust her that way and can't handle the idea. Then let her figure out if she still wants to date you or not. OR you can just acknowledge that you are being an insecure twit and let it go and work on yourself so you become a better more secure man.

 

I don't think it's that he doesn't trust his girlfriend, but rather the guy asking her to hang out.

[2confused2]

Personally, and I know it's arbitrary, but while I'm all for casual lunch or coffee meetups between opposite sex friends, I'm not hot on meeting up for dinner. Maybe if they were co-workers just going out for a quick bite after work, but I'd be a bit put off in this case.

 

It wouldn't be enough for me to really worry, though. I'd give them a pass as they're just familiar faces in a different country. If you trust her, leave it to her to read the signs. So long as they go dutch and she's not agreeing to see him again in a few days, I don't think you have much reason to feel threatened.

 

True! I'll take my mind off this and just look the other way and trust her to update me!

[2confused2]

I don't think it's that he doesn't trust his girlfriend, but rather the guy asking her to hang out.

 

Precisely. Thank you!

[2confused2]

At the same time, I'm still not understanding why she gave in. She usually just finds an excuse like "I'm busy" or something. She isn't the type to usually just give in...

 

She also says she's very happy and not bored at home. So...

[Wiseman2]

Because she wants to go. If he were a toad she would "be busy"

I'm still not understanding why she gave in. She usually just finds an excuse like "I'm busy" or something.

[2confused2]

Because she wants to go. If he were a toad she would "be busy"

 

So besides accusing her, how should I approach this situation? She knows I'm uncomfortable already, but she isn't the kind to all of a sudden "not be able to go anymore".

 

Since she's gonna be leaving the country this week, should I just let it go and trust her to tell me everything? She always does to my knowledge.

 

I know her pretty well, and she despises cheaters so doesn't actively flirt with guys, so In her mind I think she's thinking it's just alums catching up or something...

[Wiseman2]

She's going to go one way or the other. Just be confident, don't act jealous and say have fun.

So besides accusing her, how should I approach this situation? She knows I'm uncomfortable already, but she isn't the kind to all of a sudden "not be able to go anymore".

[2confused2]

She's going to go one way or the other. Just be confident, don't act jealous and say have fun.

 

True. There's only one way to respond I guess for the best possible outcome.

[happpybear]

Yeah I agree with Lost. If she does go, make sure she reiterates that she has a BF. No hard to make that known in a casual convo. I had something similar happen to me years ago. A dude I had a crush on and was acquainted with asked me to "hang out and go for dinner", I thought for sure it was a date, then he picked me up with his GF in tow, he had to drop her off on the way to the restaurant. I had no idea he had a GF and had been single when I met him. So yeah, that killed it for me obviously and I knew my boundaries with him from that point onwards, it really was just a platonic get-together.