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What do you do when self preservation is all you have left?

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I’ve had severe depression on and off for the last 10 years, which I am being treated for by a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist. Unfortunately, I am resistant to anti-depressant medication and have tried six or seven with no success. I am currently taking valium on occasions to deal with anxiety issues, which works amazingly well. However, the risk of addiction and tolerance means that I take it very infrequently.


Some events (or rather, setbacks) over the last year or so have left me in a weird state of affairs.


Previously, my depression has been quite emotional and would see me swing from total despair to feeling inspired to change my life. There was an energy to my depression, that could be channelled into something positive when I was lifted out of it. For the last year or so, I’ve been constantly depressed. My depression prior had an end point, which I’d often just ride it out until then. My depression no longer appears to have an end point, apart from one that is self inflicted. I don’t really feel depressed per say, just numb and apathetic towards life. Nothing excites me, nothing hurts me. I don’t care anymore.


Recently, it has come to my attention that the only thing that is stopping me ending my life is the natural self preservation instinct we all possess. There is nothing else. The idea that I might screw it up and end up with brain damage terrifies me. If I did it, I’d want it to be final. But I know this fear is starting to dissipate. Morbidly, I’ve developed a fascination with death. Not for entertainment, but more out of curiosity. What happens when you die? What does it look like? etc. I feel like this is me trying to break down that last barrier I need to act on it by making peace with it.


I don’t know what to do. I can’t think of one thing I want to hang around for. There isn’t any desire I want to fulfil. There is no dream I want achieve. I don’t even want any help anymore. I’m not sad about it. There is no feeling there.


I feel like I’ve accepted my fate, and now I’m just biding my time until I realize it.

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