Broken Up and Feeling Desperate....

[polaris]

I'll try to keep this short, though doubtless it won't be. Nothing very remarkable, but to me it's the most important thing in the world; I daresay that's true of everyone in this forum.

 

 

Had a very intense relationship with a girl for six months, a real connection, the like of which I haven't had for a good few years. Great at first, a couple of on/off moments as her ex came back into her life and she started thinking about him, but then put the train back on the track more or less. Throughout all that time we had contact literally every day, never once went more than 24 hours without seeing, calling or writing to each other. A couple of weeks ago after an argument she didn't show up for something and it looked like we might be done. I wrote more or less saying I was giving up, and dismissed it in my mind as done. She sent me some increasingly desperate messages, I responded within a couple of hours, we met, smoothed things out and it was okay. Things were going fine again, we were both saying how happy and in love we were, I was getting really good vibes from her. Last week I admit I was feeling pretty insecure after the recent fighting, though, and sent her a slightly needy message on the Tuesday morning while she was out which she took to be the start of a new fight (it was *not* intended that way at all). Anyway, I saw her on the Wednesday, and things were a bit frosty but generally okay at first, but we inevitably got into a discussion about things and it emerged that she hadn't really wanted to see me that day, and wasn't too keen on keeping our plans for the following day either. We ended up effectively breaking up in a slightly ambiguous way.

 

 

I thought she just needed some space, which she mentioned, so I messaged after a day or so (the longest gap in communication that we'd ever had) just to say that I was happy to give her space and that I wasn't quite sure how we'd ended up like this but I hoped she could come back to us. No reply to that, so I left it a few days and then today I convinced myself that the situation was ambiguous (to be fair, it was slightly) and contacted her again in a light-hearted way, proposing a fun day out and to put the recent stuff behind behind us. Bad idea. No reply to that either; went to see her and had to call her to let me into the building (it's a security door); no reply. I went into meltdown a little and send a couple more one-liners just asking if she was okay. To be honest, I felt quite scared about my own desperation at that point.

 

 

Finally got a cold message back telling me that she was under the impression that she had broken up with me last week, that it was final and not to call or message her anymore. No explanation as to why, or when it happened, or how the massive expressions of love just two days earlier could have turned into a breakup. I said fair enough, I won't argue, asked for an explanation, and wished her the best in my reply. The explanation was just that we were different, that I was too pushy, that we had different styles of communication, that the problems just built up over time.

 

The situation is hugely complicated by the fact that she works for me on a temporary contract basis (yeah, I know, stupid idea, and I knew that from day 1), I had offered her temporary contracts, and she still wants them (she doesn't actually need the money, but she likes money). That means I have to see her regularly, so I can't even engage in the usual no contact. None of my colleagues, one of whom I shared a house with, know about us either and we need to keep it that way really or it will create a bad atmosphere (as if that's avoidable) and could land me in trouble (company policy is that you don't date your employees, not surprisingly).

 

Like most other thread-starters in this forum I imagine, I'm feeling desperate right now and this is the purpose of the thread. Obviously a lot of this happened today so it's still pretty raw, but fundamentally my fear is that I'm just going to fall apart and the rest of my life is going to come crashing down around me. I just don't know how to get over this. It should be easy - the relationship wasn't that long, we are quite different and in some way incompatible anyway - but she really got under my skin and it hurts like hell. Meanwhile I have to maintain a front for my housemate and work colleagues, but I just don't know if I have the strength to do so.

 

It feels like an addiction, and I just can't break it. I can't even stop re-reading the old messages and thinking endlessly about us. Of course that's counter-productive (presumably), but where do I find the strength to stop? I feel so incredibly weak and even somewhat scared, of myself, of the situation, of what might happen.

[polaris]

LOL, well I guess that wasn't very successful. It's fair enough. I think it's one of the saddest things about situations like this - they are so common, and so mundane in many ways, and yet so deep, profound and utterly important to the individual concerned. It's when the mismatch between our individual needs, and what those around us can realistically offer, is at its greatest.

[Vegancatlady]

So sorry you are going through this

I am feeling somewhat the same, my boyfriend of 9 months ended things with me but because he is in a bad place.

He's very down, many issues but his father's death pushed him over the edge.

Just trying to not contact him and it's hard.

He wants to keep our friendship which is even harder to be honest, but I can't let him go.

I understand when you say she got under your skin, because he got under mine.

I can't imagine a relationship with anyone else right now, it''s so hard.

Sorry I can't much advice right now, but I understand.

I'm starting therapy tomorrow which I think might help.

[gypsybird87]

You will get over it, but it will take time. Right now everything is raw, as you said. That's normal, and it's okay to feel hurt, desperate, and scared. Even a short relationship can make a big emotional impact, and when that happens, you have to allow yourself the necessary time to grieve over it. Your situation is complicated, since there are work entanglements and you can't do the normal version of no contact. Here is my advice:

 

1. Delete the old messages, photos etc that you are torturing yourself with. Re-reading the past changes nothing, and keeps you paralyzed and stuck.

 

2. If you can't get out of the contracts you have with her, then keep your interaction based ONLY on work. No personal calling, texting, nothing. She no longer wants that with you, and persisting in trying will only make things worse.

 

3. Your life WILL fall down around you unless you take steps to make sure it does not. I had to face this as well. I am self-employed, ie- my own boss. If I want to lay in bed and cry and get no work done for weeks on end, there is no one to tell me I can't. So I did some of that, after I was first dumped. Then I realized, the only thing worse than being dumped would be dumped, broke, and homeless. Think about how much *worse* your situation will be, overall, if you start having work related issues because of the breakup fall out. Don't do that to yourself. Be proactive in any way you need to in order to make sure the non-romantic areas of your life hold together.

 

4. Accept the fact that you will never know exactly why she walked away and why this relationship blew up as it did. Ultimately, the reasons why don't matter. She made her choice, and if you respect her as a person then you have to respect that decision, no matter how much it hurts. If there are things you feel you did or said wrong, then learn from that. Don't waste energy thinking "If only I had...." Instead frame it as, "Next time, I will...."

 

5. Trust yourself. You have all the strength and courage you need to get over this, you just need to tap into it. You can do this.

[polaris]

So sorry you are going through this

I am feeling somewhat the same, my boyfriend of 9 months ended things with me but because he is in a bad place.

He's very down, many issues but his father's death pushed him over the edge.

Just trying to not contact him and it's hard.

He wants to keep our friendship which is even harder to be honest, but I can't let him go.

I understand when you say she got under your skin, because he got under mine.

I can't imagine a relationship with anyone else right now, it''s so hard.

Sorry I can't much advice right now, but I understand.

I'm starting therapy tomorrow which I think might help.

 

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this as well. It really does seem to be the hardest thing in the world. I was in hospital just before this started for a major op, and still recovering a little now, and I can tell you that was a piece of cake compared to this. Yeah, I certainly couldn't imagine a relationship with anyone else at the moment! Therapy sounds like a good idea; I might look into that as well. I don't envy you having to try and maintain a friendship at the same time. I have to admit, I'm glad at least that she didn't want that with me; would have given me a real dilemma. Still, work contact will be hard enough. Anyway, I really hope he finds his way back to you, and in the meantime that you feel better somehow, in some way, even if only for a moment. Really appreciate the reply.

[polaris]

You will get over it, but it will take time. Right now everything is raw, as you said. That's normal, and it's okay to feel hurt, desperate, and scared. Even a short relationship can make a big emotional impact, and when that happens, you have to allow yourself the necessary time to grieve over it. Your situation is complicated, since there are work entanglements and you can't do the normal version of no contact. Here is my advice:

 

1. Delete the old messages, photos etc that you are torturing yourself with. Re-reading the past changes nothing, and keeps you paralyzed and stuck.

 

2. If you can't get out of the contracts you have with her, then keep your interaction based ONLY on work. No personal calling, texting, nothing. She no longer wants that with you, and persisting in trying will only make things worse.

 

3. Your life WILL fall down around you unless you take steps to make sure it does not. I had to face this as well. I am self-employed, ie- my own boss. If I want to lay in bed and cry and get no work done for weeks on end, there is no one to tell me I can't. So I did some of that, after I was first dumped. Then I realized, the only thing worse than being dumped would be dumped, broke, and homeless. Think about how much *worse* your situation will be, overall, if you start having work related issues because of the breakup fall out. Don't do that to yourself. Be proactive in any way you need to in order to make sure the non-romantic areas of your life hold together.

 

4. Accept the fact that you will never know exactly why she walked away and why this relationship blew up as it did. Ultimately, the reasons why don't matter. She made her choice, and if you respect her as a person then you have to respect that decision, no matter how much it hurts. If there are things you feel you did or said wrong, then learn from that. Don't waste energy thinking "If only I had...." Instead frame it as, "Next time, I will...."

 

5. Trust yourself. You have all the strength and courage you need to get over this, you just need to tap into it. You can do this.

 

You're right. My mind knows I'll get over it eventually; always have in the past, and right now it's just absolutely raw. My fear is not even about how much suffering I will have to go through first, although that's certainly on my mind; it's about how much damage I will do in my life first.

 

1. I will in a few days time, or at least I will archive them away off the computer so I can't easily get at them. Right now I just don't have the strength; I need a little hit still to get me through the worst times. I will make sure I do this in less than a week though, because I know really that although it helps at the time in some way, it's just making it harder in the long run.

 

2. Definitely can't get out of the contracts; believe me I tried. Interaction will definitely only have to be work; 100% agree and I am at least quite resolved on that. I haven't tried contacting her since I got the final, brutal "don't contact me" clarification, which actually I'm thankful for in helping with that. Contacting her would only be counter-productive and actually quite dangerous at this point, so I'm quite resolved to have absolutely no more personal interaction with her either in person or via any other means.

 

3. Yeah, this is what scares me, and believe me I'm doing all I can to keep going, but honestly, HOW? I can't just put her out of my mind; I sincerely wish I could. When I'm doing some boring work stuff, inevitably my mind wanders off to her, even before I know what's happening. I'll suddenly think back to something, and that will that - I'll be feeling miserable and fighting really hard to keep the tears at bay. Breaking down in the workplace would obviously be pretty disasterous, but right now it just doesn't entirely feel like something under my control. I will fight as hard as I can, that's all I can say.

 

4. Yeah, I don't think I'll fully understand what happened at the end, though I have some insight I guess into what happened earlier on. I think the whole situation (workplace secrecy) was stressful for her, led to her become more distant, which led to me clinging more tightly (that was clearly my mistake) which caused arguments, which were not resolved in a way that made her feel good, and it was a downward spiral from there really. What could I do differently next time? Well, avoid that type of situation in the first place(!) and figure out how not cling more tightly when someone pulls away (that's a lesson I seem incapable of learning).

 

5. Thanks, that's kind. Sometimes I feel like I have, sometimes I want to even try to treat it as an exercise in how well I can cope and get past it, but at other times I just fall apart and I'm a mess. Have I really the strength and courage? Maybe.

 

Really appreciate the reply, thanks.

[polaris]

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. Was out driving in town, stopped at the lights, and there she was. Complete with my replacement, apparently. Couldn't quite figure out who he was, but it looked a little like her ex, who was she was thinking about occasionally while we were together. I have to say, while I was mentally prepared to see her out, and realised that I might see her with someone else, clearly I wasn't emotionally prepared for it. I had an absolute panic reaction - it was AWFUL, I felt physically sick and quite out of control. Fortunately I was driving in the other direction so I just left them to it. I think she may have seen me as well, which is embarrassing and I certainly hope she didn't think I was out looking for her or interested in seeing her, since we're in strict NC at the moment, until we have to resume contact for work purposes.

 

I thought I'd begun slowly healing in the last week. This has shown me just how little progress I've really made, if I fall apart so badly on just seeing her walking along the street with another guy. Seeing a therapist tomorrow, and I really hope it helps because I need something to hold on to at the moment.

[gypsybird87]

Deep breaths. You're okay.

 

IMO it's impossible to be truly "prepared" for something like that, because you just don't know how you'll feel/react until it happens. Here's the good news though: it's over. That first time of seeing her with someone else is OVER, and you never have to go through it again. It happened, you survived, and that specter is no longer hanging over you.

 

She may have seen you, but don't feel embarrassed. You were out living your life, what else are you supposed to do?? Keep in mind that our ex's are not as focused on us as we are on them, so it's unlikely her mind went to straight to the idea of you stalking her in some way. If anything she probably had an "oh crap" reaction similar to yours, only she had to hide it, because she was with someone who would not be sympathetic to her or want to hear about it.

 

Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself.

[polaris]

Thanks, I really appreciate your reply. Interestingly, I'd actually been telling myself much the same thing that you'd said: that I'd now managed to see her with someone else and while I may feel absolutely awful, I survived and I'm not going to have to go through that again. Mind you, I'm not expecting the next time to be much easier if I'm honest, but if it's even slightly easier then that will be good. I'll be damn careful not to look around while sitting at a red light in town for the next few weeks though!

[Lightjocj]

Thanks, I really appreciate your reply. Interestingly, I'd actually been telling myself much the same thing that you'd said: that I'd now managed to see her with someone else and while I may feel absolutely awful, I survived and I'm not going to have to go through that again. Mind you, I'm not expecting the next time to be much easier if I'm honest, but if it's even slightly easier then that will be good. I'll be damn careful not to look around while sitting at a red light in town for the next few weeks though!

Same thing happend when i saw my ex just recently. Just happened to pass, complete meltdown. My anxiety went threw the roof. Its a pain thats so deep inside you to, its crazy..the fact is she was your drug, you were addicted to her, and all of a sudden it was takim away. Your brain still craves that fix. And when you cant give it that fix,,panic sets in, thats when the texting and reaching out starts. You text and feel good for a little bit, but as time goes on and that responce isnt sent you painc again, this time worse. Its a hard cycle to break,not getting the normal good morning or good afternoon texts also sets off the craving...for me is was 11 am everyday id get the hi text

And every day still at 11 i think about that. Your not alone here. We all walk out the door and for now put on are fake smiles..when people ask how were doing. We smile and say pretty good. All the while screaming inside. I cant tell you how many times iv broken down out of nowhere. In the middle a super market, while driving, working, at the gym. I always bailed before anybody caught on though. It does get better. But its awfully slow and painful.

[polaris]

Thanks Lightjocj. I'm really glad you wrote, as I'd actually been reading about your situation a bit and was struck by some of the similarities as well, both in the situation (not identical by any means, but definitely some similar characteristics, including the age gap, which I think actually makes it harder on us; the passage of time is an awful thing) and how you're feeling. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this too; my heart goes out to you. Back when I was a teenager and experiencing this for the first time I commented that if someone could invent a pill that would take away break up pain, they would be the richest person in the world. Guess no one's managed it yet; pity. It really is the absolutely worst pain in the world, and it scares me how out of control I felt when I saw her. Thank goodness I didn't do anything I regret, and other than contacting her a few days after the ambiguous breakup to get the clarification we really broken up, I haven't contacted her since (but then it's only been 9 days since that so far....).

 

You're absolutely right about the drug and being addicted to her, as she was to me too, and we both said it at the time. Objectively, the relationship was not really a good idea for either of us, although I could make a damn good case for it in my present of mind(!); we started it and stayed in it really because we couldn't not. We were just drawn to each other, pulled in. I knew quite early on how it was likely to end, but still like an idiot I did it anyway. Paying a huge price now, and she seems to have walked away completely unscathed.

 

I know what you mean about the regular reminders. As well as seeing each other, and chatting online, we exchanged about 2000 emails in the last four months, to give you an idea of the intensity of it. And then....nothing. I don't really expect them now, but still I check just in case she's had a sudden change of mind, just in case she's missing me, just in case she discovered the grass wasn't greener and wanted to come back after all.

 

Two weeks since I last saw her, held her, kissed her, had a difficult conversation with her. Can't help but go over and over it in my mind - what if the conversation had gone differently? What if I hadn't sent that stupid e-mail the day before? What if I'd decided not to get into a conversation about our recent conflict and instead just had a relaxing time as we'd originally planned? Would we still be together now? Would she have chosen me and not gone back to her ex? She was so loving right up until that point, and so co-obsessed; she frequently said she couldn't get me out of her head, that she couldn't be without me. Clearly I was foolish, but I really believed that. I bitterly regret how it happened. Even if we couldn't be together in the longer term, and goodness knows there were plenty of obstacles to it, I still so much miss knowing that she loves me. She loved and admired me before we were together, almost from the first time she met me, and that was a really nice feeling. I'd rather still have that, and have not had the relationship at all, than to have tried it and lost. I feel I'm worse off than I was two years ago, and that's an awful feeling.

 

What if, what if, what if. Can someone please switch my brain off for a while.

[polaris]

GET OUT OF MY HEAD! But no, I won't let you, will I?

 

No amount of rationalising, of strategising, is ultimately going to help here. It's plain and simple: I miss you. I miss everything we had, and everything we were going to have. I miss holding you. I miss talking to you. I miss listening to you. I miss seeing your beautiful eyes. I miss seeing your beautiful body. I miss every single little thing about you. It's not that I don't know how to move on, it's that I don't want to move on, I want to move back to the time I was with you, and do it right, and stay with you forever.

 

Ugh, this is turning into a journal. Perhaps I should make it one instead.

[Lightjocj]

GET OUT OF MY HEAD! But no, I won't let you, will I?

 

No amount of rationalising, of strategising, is ultimately going to help here. It's plain and simple: I miss you. I miss everything we had, and everything we were going to have. I miss holding you. I miss talking to you. I miss listening to you. I miss seeing your beautiful eyes. I miss seeing your beautiful body. I miss every single little thing about you. It's not that I don't know how to move on, it's that I don't want to move on, I want to move back to the time I was with you, and do it right, and stay with you forever.

 

Ugh, this is turning into a journal. Perhaps I should make it one instead.

Hmm..a few things to think about. First i dont believe for a second shes not thinking about you. Part of the problem is your thinking wether or not shes thinking about you. Yes she probably is. I havnt meant anybody that was able to just shut off feelings that fast. In her case shes with another guy,so she has the comfort of another familier person to distract her, while your with your own thoughts. If shes with her ex? Or another guy in general, that would leave me to believe she was talking to him while still with you? So in her mind she may have been waiting for a disagrrement with you to be pushed enough to jump ship. You can spend days thinking about that. You can spend days looking over texts for clues also. Looking at every word, and trying to find anything positve. Seems every song on the radio reminds you of her i bet also. Seems every place you pass on the street has a memory of you guys shopping or eating there. Any sec of free time your mind goes right to her. Walking to your car from work you think about her. Walking from your car to your house you think about her, and of corse at night laying in bed is the worst. Then lets not forget as soon as you wake up. I bet you check your phone before your eyes are even fully open. Check for texts first is my guess, then email. Maybe check out a few friends of hers on Facebook? Maybe thers a new picture? Your looking for anything. But its not your fault. Its going to hurt, you cared. I dont think you have heard the last of her yet. Right now shes all about this other guy. Let her be about that. At this point thats all she sees. Im confident you made it clear to her how you feel. And let her remember that. Let her remember the good times. Its are nature to be on damage control when we get hurt. Will say and do anything to make the pain go away. For me i had to go see my doctor, i was a wreck. And he did give me something to take that would help calm me down, if you can manage to stay calm on your own thats great. But theres nothing wrong with asking for a little help. Its only temporary, it will calm you enough for you to get your thoughts in order. Happily iv gotten to the point where i dont need to take anything anymore. Im able to sort threw what happened. Its still painful but i can process a little at a time what happened...seeing a counsler may help you more then you relize also. Just check it out, go once or twice and see if its something you feel comfy with. Your situation is a little more complex because of work. But pain is pain. The best thing will be your hardest thing, and thats leaving her alone, and giving her space, you can sell yourself to her and promise the world. But she still needs to return with free will. And i think thats what you would want anyways. The person who broke you cant be the person who fixes you. It will hurt, it will take time. Your goin to do what your goin to do. I know very well you will still look for clues or signs, but at some point you will get sick and tired of being sick and tired, when that days comes is the day you will feel a little more confident in yourself. You will be abe to drive with a little less worry...you will see her yes..but it will get slighty less painful. For now your still on high alert.....all normal...and it sucks.

[polaris]

Thanks, Lightjocj, I really do appreciate your comments. I'll just put this up top in case you don't want to wade through what turned into a mini-series below: do you have the name of the medication that you got from the doctor? Something like that, just to calm me enough to get some thoughts in order or even think about something other than her for a few minutes, would really help, and I'm certainly not proud to get whatever help I can at this point. Feel free to PM me with that if you prefer to keep it private. Counselling: yes, going tomorrow. I'm rather afraid I've built that up into a magic cure in my mind already, as in no matter how bad it gets, don't worry, because the counsellor will be there to help me through it. I'm heading for a fall there, I think, but I'm clinging onto whatever I can at the moment.

 

Not thinking about me? Perhaps you're right. Our relationship was essentially co-obessive for most of the time; even when we both acknowledged it was toxic in some ways, she frequently said she literally couldn't be without me. Of course, hearing that was a real drug hit for me and I believed it every time. She also often said she couldn't stop thinking about me, couldn't get me out of her mind, including just two days before the breakup. I'm genuinely puzzled as to how she could actually manage the breakup? Goodness we tried three times before (twice from her, once from me), and each time failed within a few hours. Of course, that *should* tell me that we were on the way out, but in my current state of mind, what I see is that we were so powerfully in love/addicted that we simply couldn't be without each other. So how did she do it? I wish I knew, not least so I could do it myself!

 

But actually, I do know, because I did it once before myself with someone else after a three-year relationship: I found someone else, developed feelings for them, and when my then gf decided the play the breakup drama card yet again, I said fine and never looked back. It was actually easy; I really didn't miss her or barely even thought about her. I have a horrible suspicion that this is exactly what my recent ex has managed, in getting back with her ex now; I think that's the only way she could leave. I didn't know it at the time, but when we started becoming close, she'd broken up with this ex just 4 days earlier. She didn't talk to him for three months, but then they started chatting again and hanging out. I was uncomfortable because I had a strong suspicion of what would happen, but she assured me she would never have any feelings for him again. A few weeks later, we had our first breakup, because she had developed some feelings for him, while also still being very much in love with me. Our relationship was highly problematic due to the work situation and the need to keep it hidden, whereas with her ex it would be easy, and because of that I pushed her into trying to make things work with him. She came back the following morning saying it was a mistake, she wanted me, she'd ended things with him. Fastforward a week, and she's back in the him vs me dilemma. We had a long a tearful conversation where we agreed that she should try things with him because he was the more viable practical option and she needed to see what she still felt for him. A few hours later, she was already regretting it again, and after a break of a few days to think things over, we were back on again. I made her have no contact with him this time, and that seemed to work okay for a few weeks, but she was somewhat hot and cold with me during that time, constantly saying a problem with being able to commit to us, but that she couldn't live without me, and that she loved me so much etc..

 

Finally, it failed. In the last conversation we had in person, I asked her if we broke up would she go back to him, and she said no, I was the only one she wanted. Clearly that wasn't true as it turned out, and I can't say I'm at all surprised. So yes, she was certainly talking to him, and actively contemplating a relationship with him, while with me. That's largely what made me insecure at the end, which of course just pushed her further away. But what was I supposed to do? Just say, yeah, don't worry about the lack of commitment and the fact that you're actively considering leaving me for your ex? I tried to end it a week before the end, but she made a concerted effort to win me back and like a fool I returned. Then she dropped the bomb, and coldly refused to further discuss it and told me not to contact her. Ouch.

 

Interesting to write all that (apologies for the length). Shows me how messed it up was for that last month together, in spite of us being completely in love (or at least completely addicted to each other).

 

All that checking you mentioned? Yep, every bit of it, although interesting I'm really not expecting to hear from her anymore; because our communication was so intense and so frequent, after just a few days I realised that was it, the spell was broken for her and I was gone. I certainly keep an eye on her and her ex on Facebook for confirmation that they're back together (not shown yet).

 

I haven't heard the last of her overall because of the work situation, and indeed I'm almost dreading her contacting me to prompt me to sort out the new contracts (which I'm delaying as much as humanly possible because I really can't bear to see her at work). In terms of personal things, I'm not so sure, but obviously part of me hopes you're right, though I also hope if/when I do have that conversation, I'm sufficiently over her to not care how it goes, and preferably to not get back into this. I know if she came back now, I would cave within 30 seconds.

 

Your point about selling yourself all you like but her needing to come back through free will, not persuasion, is very well made; I needed to hear that. I'm determined to continue not to contact her, and her coldness in the final e-mail exchange, the first and only time she's done that, is actually helpful for that, as is the fact that she's with her ex so I know she's not sitting around pining and waiting for me to get in touch. I will vanish from her life as much as possible within the constraints of the work situation, and I hope in time I can figure out how to make her vanish from mine. For now, I see reminders everywhere, and she lives with me 24/7 in my head.

[polaris]

Ugh, I hate mornings. I actually felt a bit better last night, wrote a list of all the many reasons why a break up was somehow inevitable (I'm not sure how many I really believe, but it was worth trying) and if we got back together we'd only break up again anyway so might as well get the pain over with this time. It helped a bit with that crucial next stage - acceptance; I know I have to believe that this really is over for good in order to move on, and ideally convince myself that somehow it's for the best. So difficult to do, though. Managed it somewhat last night, almost convinced myself that I'm well out of it, that it was making both of us unhappy much of the time, but this morning, no, I want back in! Crazy.

 

Are mornings worse for other people as well, and evenings better?

[polaris]

OUCH. Just seen my ex with her ex (who is now her bf again) in town. I'm pretty sure they saw me too; I happened to be walking in the same direction when they came out of a side road and started walking some way in front of me, and they occasionally looked behind at me. I would say that was awkward, but it was much worse than that; I felt sick to the stomach and after getting home, just burst into tears. I'm imagining them now, back at her place, cuddling together, watching movies, just enjoying each other's company, doing physical things together etc.. Really need to get it out of my mind, but just can't at the moment. It confirms that it was indeed him that I saw in the earlier sighting as well, and that they were together within a week of us breaking up, and probably earlier than that. I knew she had feelings for him again, so it's pretty clear she left me to go back to him. We did have problems and probably weren't really a suitable couple, but damn, at our best we were fantastic; we both said many times we'd never experienced anything like it. How can she just give up on that and go back to someone else, as though it meant nothing? I really don't understand. It seems impossible.

 

It's one month post-breakup tomorrow, and I honestly thought I was doing a bit better (though struggling in the last couple of days); not over it by any means, but definitely doing better. Now I feel like the first day post-breakup, only possibly even worse because I know it's a month on, I've not heard from her (except once five days into the breakup when I e-mailed just to clarify the situation and she confirmed we were broken up), I know she's back with her ex again, and I know she's not missing me or planning on coming back. Closure? Possibly, but I don't feel ready for it. How can I give up on this? I just feel utterly, utterly sick. It's like the meaning just feel out of my life all over again. I don't know what to do. I really need to get over this, but I just don't know what to do. I find myself feeling scared and vulnerable all over again.

[Lightjocj]

Eeek..i know that feeling your talking about. I saw my ex about a week ago at a stop light. I was going in one direction he in the other. I went from chill calm to intense anxiety, and he wasnt even with anyone, just him, that alone put me in a tail-spin. Im almost at about a month also of NC, 4 months ago was the actual break up. It sucks. Im almost afraid to run into him now. I even changed the times i workout at the gym so i dont run into him. My advice is keep swimming. I was told you know when your over your ex when you can see them or run into them and not care. Thats an incredibly long time for me anyways. Thers not much advice i can give but to cry if you need to. At some point you will hurt but there wont be any tears. Slowly you will start to move forward. Ok, so you had a bad day. Thats to be expected. Trying to predict the future uses so much time and energy. Do they think about us? Are they happy? Will they be back? Iv thought about it all to. And iv come up with this, im going to let them have there time and space, date, party, do whatever they want, it's their life they're entitled to it. We know we were good to are exs. Think you can do better? Great. Go for it. Maybe they will find a better match. Maybe. But its a 50/50 chance. Do i have hope still? Ya a little. But iv noticed iv started to feel angry. ( one of the stages of a breakup) if are exs want to throw us back in the ocean so be it. It will give us more time to mature into diamonds. Don't feel sorry for somebody who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up somebody who would never give up on them..

[brian1024]

the best way i always see to get over a break up (i used before and works) is to pretend they are dead. Obviously do not go off getting upset that they died, but believe that they cease to exist, like they are no more, vanished in thin air! delete messages, pictures, stop giving her temp contracts you answered yourself by saying she doesnt even need the money. Get her out of your life, so she gets out of your mind. out of sight...out of mind.

[reinventmyself]

I am fortunate in the fact that mine lives 90 mins away and doesn't participate in social media. (yay)

 

So I don't need to kill him off or be in fear of seeing him on the street and with someone else, no less.

Phew. nowthere's a small moment of gratitude!

 

I put myself your place(s). Ouch. I don't think I could handle a run-in, rightaboutnow.

[polaris]

Eeek..i know that feeling your talking about. I saw my ex about a week ago at a stop light. I was going in one direction he in the other. I went from chill calm to intense anxiety, and he wasnt even with anyone, just him, that alone put me in a tail-spin. Im almost at about a month also of NC, 4 months ago was the actual break up. It sucks. Im almost afraid to run into him now. I even changed the times i workout at the gym so i dont run into him. My advice is keep swimming. I was told you know when your over your ex when you can see them or run into them and not care. Thats an incredibly long time for me anyways. Thers not much advice i can give but to cry if you need to. At some point you will hurt but there wont be any tears. Slowly you will start to move forward. Ok, so you had a bad day. Thats to be expected. Trying to predict the future uses so much time and energy. Do they think about us? Are they happy? Will they be back? Iv thought about it all to. And iv come up with this, im going to let them have there time and space, date, party, do whatever they want, it's their life they're entitled to it. We know we were good to are exs. Think you can do better? Great. Go for it. Maybe they will find a better match. Maybe. But its a 50/50 chance. Do i have hope still? Ya a little. But iv noticed iv started to feel angry. ( one of the stages of a breakup) if are exs want to throw us back in the ocean so be it. It will give us more time to mature into diamonds. Don't feel sorry for somebody who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up somebody who would never give up on them..

 

Thanks for this. You're right; my therapist tells me every week to stop predicting what will happen in the future. Problem is I'm so good at it; I invariably get it right, and when the prediction isn't nice it leads to an adverse reaction. All part of a control thing, I guess. I'm glad you're starting to feel angry; that's good. I'm trying to as well, and managing in little parts, but it's like the spark won't take, I can't ignite the fire. I certainly hope I can soon, it would help a lot.

[polaris]

the best way i always see to get over a break up (i used before and works) is to pretend they are dead. Obviously do not go off getting upset that they died, but believe that they cease to exist, like they are no more, vanished in thin air! delete messages, pictures, stop giving her temp contracts you answered yourself by saying she doesnt even need the money. Get her out of your life, so she gets out of your mind. out of sight...out of mind.

 

Thanks, I appreciate this. Insofar as I can, I have been trying to pretend that she's dead, though of course I know she's not so I can't really manage it. I've not contacted her, though, and have no intention of doing so for as long as possible. I will have to see her in a work context; as much as I'd like not to give her the temp contracts at this point she has already had it in writing that they would be offered to her and she could make serious trouble for me if they were withdrawn, though I'm still weighing which would be worse at this point. She also has an ongoing part-time contract in my department. I'll admit I did talk to another departmental head this week about offering her a transfer into another department so I don't have to work with her in that way at least in the future, but it's up to her whether or not she accepts it; I can't just fire her without cause. It was incredibly stupid of me to date someone who works for me, and I guess I'm getting what I deserve now. Anyway, insofar as it's within my power, I really will continue to have nothing whatsoever to do with her.

[polaris]

I am fortunate in the fact that mine lives 90 mins away and doesn't participate in social media. (yay)

 

So I don't need to kill him off or be in fear of seeing him on the street and with someone else, no less.

Phew. nowthere's a small moment of gratitude!

 

I put myself your place(s). Ouch. I don't think I could handle a run-in, rightaboutnow.

 

Thanks, it's good to hear that it's not just me that would have trouble with this. It really does suck when you're working hard at NC, trying to avoid even thinking about her, let alone her and her ex together again, when there they are on the street in front of you, and probably laughing at you as well. I'm glad to hear you won't be experiencing that, and I wish you all the best in dealing with your break up as well. No break up is easy, no what the circumstances, and I know it must be tough for you too.

[reinventmyself]

I think it's the grief talking when you say you thought they were laughing at you, but I can see how that might feel.

I tend to believe people are a little too ego centric to care that much.

Shake it off and hang in there.

Thanks for reminding me I have something to be thankful for!

You can do this!

[polaris]

I think it's the grief talking when you say you thought they were laughing at you, but I can see how that might feel.

I tend to believe people are a little too ego centric to care that much.

Shake it off and hang in there.

Thanks for reminding me I have something to be thankful for!

You can do this!

 

I hope you're right. Really, I hope they didn't see me at all, although I'm kidding myself about that. Ultimately, it shouldn't matter anyway. I have to keep reminding myself to move forward and not back; that the relationship is over and done with, she's not coming back (and that's probably a good thing), and I have to build a new life without her. At least I'm beginning to be able to say that a lot of the last stages of the relationship were either fake, or at least paper thin on her side, given that one day she was able to go from the most ardent expressions of love and affection to cutting me off and returning to her ex like nothing had happened.

 

I can do this; I've done it before. You can too. We all can; we just need reminding of that sometimes. Onwards and upwards, and their loss, not ours.

[reinventmyself]

Uhg. . I keep telling myself this, but it doesn't seem to get through. Remind, please how long has it been for you?