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Boyfriend is into females with a penis, I am left with questions and concerns.


Adele88

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Please understand that I am only trying to understand and be as open minded as possible. I am currently in a 1 year relationship with the love of my life. Our relationship was perfect.. Almost too good to be true. For some random reason I felt an urge to look through his phone (which I never do) but it was just a feeling I got. Once I did I was in complete shock, not only was he messaging back and forth with someone else but was sending explicit nudes of them selfs and it was a female with a penis. My boyfriend had sent the transgender (if that's what they go by, sorry I don't know much about it) a photo of his appearance to the TG so they could see what he physically looked like and also photo of his penis with an errection. (Completely bare) The photos sent from the transgender were very explicit with the TG penis included in all. His comments back were "I want you so bad" and stuff like that. I couldn't fully read the whole convo as I was broken hearted and in shock. I don't know whether this was someone he was planning on meeting up with or just messing around.. I confronted him and initially my feelings were to break up with him because I felt so betrayed. As I let the feelings sink in more I wanted to be more understand and accepting because I do love him. I decided to take him back because he was very sincere and told me it was all a mistake. I have asked him if he was maybe bicouriois or anything like and I was being as understanding as possible but but he REFUSED. Said he is COMPLETELY straight. He says he doesn't know why he did it but he only loves me and wants to be with me. I am not one to judge what so ever, and I want him to be okay with himself and I want to be understanding.. But it doesn't help but makes me feel like I am not enough for him. But since I love him so much and want us to work out I swept it all under the rig. And to mention we have great sex, almost everyday! He never has troubles getting an errection. A couple weeks pass and he has been begging to do anal and he always wants me to go down to his anus when giving head. (Every time I give him head to be exact) One night I had a dream (only a dream not real life) that we were role playing and he wanted me to pretend I was a male.. Ever since then this question has been haunting me. Is he bisexual and willing to cheat again to satisfy his needs or is this a normal straight male thing to do and feel?? My relationship isn't healthy anymore because now my mind is always uneasy.. I'm constantly having trust issues and questioning everything he says and it's just so hard for me to look past this. I do understand and have nothing against Bisexuals, gays, lesbians, TG, I am happy for them to express themselves freely! But myself.. I don't know if I can be in a full loving compassionate relationship with this.. Idk if I am just insecure but the thought of me not being able to fully satisfy his needs scares me. I don't want him to cheat on me because I can't provide a penis.. But then again I don't know fully how into it he is. He tells me he isn't in to it at all but obviously he is since he was sexing a TG that still had her penis.. Please, I know no one could tell me exactly how it is but I would love to find some peace of mind.. I haven't looked through his phone since the day I found out ONLY because I am scared to find out if he is still seeking a TG.. I wish I could talk with him about it but he is so against it. It is if it has never happened.. He will freak out if I do bring it up and I just don't want anything to jeopardize our relationship. I'm sorry if I offended anyone I am really trying to be careful and just express my concerns. Please bare with me as I am only trying to find some answers to ease my mind. I love this guy and we talk about marriage frequently but I just can't forget bout how he is attracted to someone with a penis and actually went out of his way to contact a TG w/ a penis and also send his nudes too.. This is cheating, and he was the last person I'd think would ever cheat!! So my mind is scatter.. Should I not worry about it or is it a concern I should consider? Is this normal for straight males to do? Please anything will help. Thank you

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So, you are fine with the fact the 'love of your life' has sent and received naked pics and told someone they 'want them so bad' and the ONLY problem is if he's bi and if you're 'enough' for him???? If it had been a female he'd done the same stuff with, everything would be rosy and you'd just accept it was a mistake???

 

Sorry, I'm at a loss for words. All I can say is I'm not surprised there are so many jerks in the world when there are people around ready to forgive and forget just about anything.

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I mean over all it was cheating.. I do know that. Believe me I thought I wasn't ever going to be okay with going back into the relationship. Maybe I'm being "love blind" and just overall stupid but it was his sincere words and acts that convinced me to give him a second chance. I don't know if I just wanted to pretend for myself it was just a mistake and it wouldn't happen again since I so badly wanted our relationship to work. When I did see him the next day I saw how swollen his eyes were so I know he was very distraught this all happened. I know and do understand people makes mistakes. I will admit I rather have had it be with a biological female, but that is where my concerns stands is that is was a lady with a penis he had communicated with. My boyfriend is honestly a really good loving person, just the ones you see in movies! The one you are grateful for.. But they're not all perfect as you can see this all has happened. This is the huge flaw that was missing.

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Is he bisexual and willing to cheat again to satisfy his needs or is this a normal straight male thing to do and feel?? My relationship isn't healthy anymore because now my mind is always uneasy.. I'm constantly having trust issues and questioning everything he says and it's just so hard for me to look past this. I do understand and have nothing against Bisexuals, gays, lesbians, TG, I am happy for them to express themselves freely! But myself.. I don't know if I can be in a full loving compassionate relationship with this.. Idk if I am just insecure but the thought of me not being able to fully satisfy his needs scares me. I don't want him to cheat on me because I can't provide a penis.. But then again I don't know fully how into it he is.

 

You need to simplify the issue here. At the end of the day, this issue isn't about his fetish or your inability to provide a penis. It's about him cheating on you. The bisexual/transgender element can be factored out completely.

 

Imagine if he was having this exchange with a girl. It's the same thing.

 

Now, what are you going to do about it?

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The issue I am having is the content of the cheating.. That he was messages and being turned of by someone whom possess a penis. This is what I am having a difficult time seeing passed. Yes I honestly would rather have it been a biological female he was messaging because I understand people makes mistakes, I very well can relate. And I am not saying it is wrong to be attracted to a TG, but with the having honestly and a good trusting relationships and of course our futures sake, I would just like answers. I doubt he'd ever cheat on me with another girl, (because I do have the lady parts) and he does love me. But I believe the reason he cheated on in the first place was only because I couldn't satisfy him with what I have. And it's an urge that over powers his loyalty.. This is what worries me. I hope I am being more clear of what I am trying to explain with how I am feeling.

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I honestly think you're ignoring the bigger issue here which is his infidelity.

 

He may have a thing for trans girls or be bisexual. Bisexual or not going behind your partners back sexting someone else, male, female trans, whatever it's not cool. You should be a bit more concerned with the act of infidelity then fact that the person had a penis.

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The issue I am having is the content of the cheating.. That he was messages and being turned of by someone whom possess a penis. This is what I am having a difficult time seeing passed. Yes I honestly would rather have it been a biological female he was messaging because I understand people makes mistakes, I very well can relate. And I am not saying it is wrong to be attracted to a TG, but with the having honestly and a good trusting relationships and of course our futures sake, I would just like answers. I doubt he'd ever cheat on me with another girl, (because I do have the lady parts) and he does love me. But I believe the reason he cheated on in the first place was only because I couldn't satisfy him with what I have. And it's an urge that over powers his loyalty.. This is what worries me. I hope I am being more clear of what I am trying to explain with how I am feeling.
You don't have HH breasts. You don't have whatever skin color you aren't. You're not into tying him up or taking a dump on his chest or whatever fantasies / fetishes he's got deep in his head that some woman out there might be willing to fulfill for him for a few bucks. You're just kidding yourself here. Cheating is about old vs. new, not lady parts vs. non-lady parts. Neither bi, straight, nor gay individuals will ever have 100% of their sexual desires satisfied by one partner.

 

Polyamory and bisexuality are two completely different things. Bisexuals can and most often do maintain committed, monogamous relationships.

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He was sexting with another person. Period. That is a relationship ending move.

 

I am bisexual and happily married. I don't have an open sexual relationship with my husband, nor am I willing to share him/myself with another person. I am monogamous by choice. Unfortunately society (and even the gay community itself) has decided that just because we are attracted to both genders, we are swingers and born cheaters. That is far from the truth. It's unfortunate that your boyfriend thinks playing the bisexual card gives him a free pass to cheat on you- it doesn't, nor shouldn't.

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If he has urges/tastes that are outside the range of your agreed upon exclusivity, are they fantasies or does he actually cheat with these people?

I doubt he'd ever cheat on me with another girl
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I would definitely be more concerned about the fact that he went behind your back at all.

My ex was messing around with TGs. He was also messing around with TS men, big women, small women, black women, white women, gay men, bi men, bi women etc etc. He also denied being curious or even gay and got pretty angry when I even insinuated it.

I was equally shocked and disgusted by all of it. He was a liar and a cheater and the details really didn't matter.

This guy is a scumbag. He's had back and forth banter with this person. It's not like he had a lapse in judgement and sent one message (not that that's okay either). He consciously knew what he was doing. He took the time to seek out what I assuming is some sort of hookup/dating site, set up all the information, contact this person repeatedly and then not stop (and who knows if he even has) until you caught him red handed. If experience has taught me anything he'll do it again.

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This sounds like a person I know through work that was 'happily' married to a woman until his daughter was old enough to go off to University. That is when he divorced his wife and took up with his homosexual lover of many, many years. The "love of your life" is in denial about who he is and you're in hope that what your intuition is telling you is wrong. Well, luv its not.

 

I think you'd do well to leave him to find out his true attraction which in turn will give you the opportunity to find someone who is monogamous in nature. His sexual orientation really has nothing to do with his ability to be faithful. Telling you he's sorry and denying why he was doing what he did is never going to be enough for you to be able to trust him now that he's shown you who he really is.

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Infidelity knows no gender, and no sexual orientation. It is a mental choice and an emotional betrayal. It has far more to do with where he is investing his time and energy than what body part is going to go where.

 

Do you want to be with someone who has (and will likely continue to) betray you in this manner? Don't you feel you deserve better than that? You need to readjust your focus from what HE wants and needs to what YOU want and need. If you have any self-worth, then what you want and need should definitely include someone that you can trust. And your partner, as much as you love him, no longer fits that description. He doesn't even want to discuss this with you. How can a hurdle like that ever be overcome?

 

As far as what is going on with him and his sexuality, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. You already know the answer.

 

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. But I think you should walk away before it gets worse. And it will get worse.

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Please understand that I am only trying to understand and be as open minded as possible. I am currently in a 1 year relationship with the love of my life. Our relationship was perfect.. Almost too good to be true. For some random reason I felt an urge to look through his phone (which I never do) but it was just a feeling I got. Once I did I was in complete shock, not only was he messaging back and forth with someone else but was sending explicit nudes of them selfs and it was a female with a penis. My boyfriend had sent the transgender (if that's what they go by, sorry I don't know much about it) a photo of his appearance to the TG so they could see what he physically looked like and also photo of his penis with an errection. (Completely bare) The photos sent from the transgender were very explicit with the TG penis included in all. His comments back were "I want you so bad" and stuff like that. I couldn't fully read the whole convo as I was broken hearted and in shock. I don't know whether this was someone he was planning on meeting up with or just messing around.. I confronted him and initially my feelings were to break up with him because I felt so betrayed. As I let the feelings sink in more I wanted to be more understand and accepting because I do love him. I decided to take him back because he was very sincere and told me it was all a mistake. I have asked him if he was maybe bicouriois or anything like and I was being as understanding as possible but but he REFUSED. Said he is COMPLETELY straight. He says he doesn't know why he did it but he only loves me and wants to be with me. I am not one to judge what so ever, and I want him to be okay with himself and I want to be understanding.. But it doesn't help but makes me feel like I am not enough for him. But since I love him so much and want us to work out I swept it all under the rig. And to mention we have great sex, almost everyday! He never has troubles getting an errection. A couple weeks pass and he has been begging to do anal and he always wants me to go down to his anus when giving head. (Every time I give him head to be exact) One night I had a dream (only a dream not real life) that we were role playing and he wanted me to pretend I was a male.. Ever since then this question has been haunting me. Is he bisexual and willing to cheat again to satisfy his needs or is this a normal straight male thing to do and feel?? My relationship isn't healthy anymore because now my mind is always uneasy.. I'm constantly having trust issues and questioning everything he says and it's just so hard for me to look past this. I do understand and have nothing against Bisexuals, gays, lesbians, TG, I am happy for them to express themselves freely! But myself.. I don't know if I can be in a full loving compassionate relationship with this.. Idk if I am just insecure but the thought of me not being able to fully satisfy his needs scares me. I don't want him to cheat on me because I can't provide a penis.. But then again I don't know fully how into it he is. He tells me he isn't in to it at all but obviously he is since he was sexing a TG that still had her penis.. Please, I know no one could tell me exactly how it is but I would love to find some peace of mind.. I haven't looked through his phone since the day I found out ONLY because I am scared to find out if he is still seeking a TG.. I wish I could talk with him about it but he is so against it. It is if it has never happened.. He will freak out if I do bring it up and I just don't want anything to jeopardize our relationship. I'm sorry if I offended anyone I am really trying to be careful and just express my concerns. Please bare with me as I am only trying to find some answers to ease my mind. I love this guy and we talk about marriage frequently but I just can't forget bout how he is attracted to someone with a penis and actually went out of his way to contact a TG w/ a penis and also send his nudes too.. This is cheating, and he was the last person I'd think would ever cheat!! So my mind is scatter.. Should I not worry about it or is it a concern I should consider? Is this normal for straight males to do? Please anything will help. Thank you

I agree. With others. And I feel you're so desperate to make things work you're ready to make excuses for him, sorry but respect yourself.

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The issue I am having is the content of the cheating.. That he was messages and being turned of by someone whom possess a penis. This is what I am having a difficult time seeing passed. Yes I honestly would rather have it been a biological female he was messaging because I understand people makes mistakes, I very well can relate. And I am not saying it is wrong to be attracted to a TG, but with the having honestly and a good trusting relationships and of course our futures sake, I would just like answers. I doubt he'd ever cheat on me with another girl, (because I do have the lady parts) and he does love me. But I believe the reason he cheated on in the first place was only because I couldn't satisfy him with what I have. And it's an urge that over powers his loyalty.. This is what worries me. I hope I am being more clear of what I am trying to explain with how I am feeling.

 

Your problem seems to be that you can't compete in that "arena," so to speak.

 

Well, you're right. You can't compete there. If he wants a lady with a penis, you're not the girl for him.

 

But this is a good thing, because HE'S CHEATING ON YOU.

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Here's the thing. You love him, and modern society (and I'm not saying this is wrong) is currently pushing tolerance/acceptance very hard. Do not confuse loving a person and accepting them for who they are; with staying with a person who is not compatible with you and is hurting you. You do not have to stay with him to accept the part of him that is attracted to penises or wants to do anal. But by staying with him, you are ACCEPTING the fact that he does not value your relationship as a monogamous one, as something to protect. You do not have to stay with him even to love him. I believe it is important to keep the love we have for others and the love we have for ourselves in check. If you love someone too much more than you love yourself, you will be taken advantage of.

 

He didn't make a mistake. He tried to cheat and got caught. If you both are interested in an open relationship, and he had disclosed his desires to you in an OPEN way, then maybe that is something that you could explore. But that isn't how it happened. He hid himself from you, called his own desires a mistake, and is continuing to hide himself from you. How are you supposed to trust someone like that? He will just do a better job of hiding the cheating next time, and you will never know what he is up to.

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Regardless of what your boyfriend is into, heck it could even be aliens from outerspace, the simple harsh fact remains: if you both have agreed to be monogamous and in a committed relationship to each other then any outside sexual activity with other people is cheating in one form or another.

 

It's cheating and I'd dump him, don't care what his "reasons" are. To me it's still just at the end of the day good ol' fashioned rotten cheating.

 

The larger question is how or why are you going to put up with this?

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