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Struggling with whether to respond to a text


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Hi friends. I'm struggling with whether or not I should respond to a text from my ex. I'm hoping that maybe writing my thoughts and getting some feedback might help me feel more confident in my decision.

 

We are both late 20s/early-30s, broke up a little over a month ago and I have been NC since we sorted out exchanging stuff a few days later. During the break-up I did my best to be calm and agree with her decision, even to be positive and crack a few jokes ("Next time try to fall in love with someone who lives nearby!" As part of that, she had asked if I still wanted to talk or just be left alone. At the time I told her it would be fine if she let me know where she ends up (she has been waiting to hear about a post-grad school fellowship offer).

 

Anywho, last Thursday I received a message from her letting me know that she has heard back about where she has been placed and how she's feeling about the placement. She said she hopes I'm doing well, and added that she was "just letting me know" because she "promised to," and that "she's sorry if I really didn't want to hear from her." She didn't ask any questions about me or how/what I'm doing. In my opinion it was a very closed message, though I don't know if that was because she didn't want me to respond or was guarding herself against the possibility that I wouldn't, or both. (Yes, I realize that the reason doesn't matter)

 

Anywho, I'm not wondering whether she wants me back. It's pretty clear from her message that her feelings on this haven't changed, and that's fine. So far, I've decided not to respond at all, my primary reasons being:

 

1) This message was clearly about her fulfilling what she claims she promised to do (promise was a strong word...I simply said she could let me know). She was kind in her message, but also didn't ask me anything or give me anything to really respond back to.

2) I was traveling back abroad to where I work right after we broke up, and she asked me to please let her know when I made it safe. I did, and also wished her a happy birthday (it was the next day). No response from her. Not even a "thank you." That didn't feel nice.

3) I know myself well enough that even if I send a closed, simple response like "Thanks for letting me know. Good luck." that I will likely still be disappointed if she doesn't write back at all, and I'm not interested in setting myself back.

4) There's also the possibility that me responding could open up lines of communication and she might start texting me more or asking how I'm doing, etc., and in my mind it's just too soon. I'm hurting and trying so hard to keep my mind in the present and my eyes in front of me, and I know that it would set me back to have an on-the-surface conversation with her barely 30 days since after the I-love-yous and pet names stopped.

5) I can't think of any reason to respond that's not somehow tactical. I'm scared to ignore her because I'm afraid she'll never talk to me again, because of course I want what everyone wants - that slim possibility that down the road we'll reconcile. Reality is she decided to let me go and risk us never talking again, so it feels like I'd mostly be responding to try and control something that I have absolutely no control over anyway.

 

For the first few days I felt pretty OK with my decision, but this week I am struggling.

 

I am justified in not responding, right? The break-up is really recent! I'm not mad at her, hold no ill will, and I don't like the idea of ignoring someone I care about, but I just don't want a setback when this already sucks! I just figure that I'm the only one I can trust to look out for me and my feelings, and that I definitely can't bank on her having my best interests in mind.

 

Ignoring a single text message is not that big a deal in the scheme of things, right? I feel week asking the typical "second chance" questions, but ignoring one text message won't close all doors forever, right? In reality, no matter how I respond or if I respond, it doesn't change anything about the current situation, and that's what I should focus on...right?

 

At the moment, I'm torn between sending the simple "Thanks" message or just letting it go and not responding. I figure no matter what I'll wonder "what if I had done the other thing?" I know being tactical doesn't work. I know that there's nothing I can do to change how she feels about me. I seriously just want to let it go and move forward and stop hurting. I'm working really hard on keeping busy and distracting myself and trying to focus on me and my needs and my own improvement...and the past few days I've just been struggling...

 

If you were me, what would you do?

 

Thanks, friends.

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The relationship is over and done. This is just breadcrumbs. It's typical after people break up. But you're placing way too much importance on it. Answer it or don't the result will be the same. You're still done.

 

I know right now you're hoping for a miracle but it's not coming. If she was ever really interested again it would be months if not longer down the road.

 

So put this to bed. Respond or don't. Just realise it WON'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

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I agree with Clinton. Do not respond to this text. Trust us man, don't - it will set you back if you do. I have been there and got the T-shirt. These texts are nearly always breadcrumbs to see if you are still a little bit on the leash and eager and ready to get back together if she should choose to do so. As soon as you respond she'll go AWOL again for another month or so. And the game continues with you forever thinking there is hope. Just ignore it.

 

Don't for a second think that by not responding you rule out future reconciliation. If she wants to get back with you she will let you know clearly and without any ambiguity at all.

 

This is advice from the trenches from people just like you who have been through this.

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She did what she felt she had promised you and she also spelled it out very clearly in the text. There is no hidden meaning and no hope extended to you there and, frankly, nothing there to respond to. It really is over and she very obviously doesn't want you back. The text is "I fulfilled my final obligation and act of pity towards my ex. Full stop."

Just because she dumped you doesn't mean that she hates you. To her, your request is not really all that personal. You wanted to know, so she let you know. Her text is about as personal as you giving a cashier $5 for a bag of donuts.

 

So do yourself a favor, delete the text and keep on moving on. Any response from you will make you seem like a fool who just doesn't know when the party is over and it's time to leave with good graces. Save your dignity and don't muddy about what seems like a fairly civil break up. Head high, eyes forward.

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My ex has been doing this to me and I was starting to get my hopes up but just ended up feeling worse. I'm fed up with the games and giving her the power to hurt me. I feel this is the next step forward.

 

I also love the quote let sleeping dogs lie

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She did what she felt she had promised you and she also spelled it out very clearly in the text. There is no hidden meaning and no hope extended to you there and, frankly, nothing there to respond to. It really is over and she very obviously doesn't want you back. The text is "I fulfilled my final obligation and act of pity towards my ex. Full stop."

 

I agree with this. I would delete it and not respond.

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My ex and I broke up on decent terms, so I've casually responded to a few of her texts like this in June and I wish I didn't. Not only did it set me back each time, it also opened the door for more games. One thing led to another and she got mad about something and said she wants nothing to do with me.

 

In the grand scheme of things it is better that she leaves me alone and I have nothing to do with her anyways, but I can't say it felt good to hear that.

 

Bottom line, the cost outweighs the benefits. You will feel better if you stay No-Contact and stronger if/when YOU CHOOSE to talk to her down the road. I doubt she will ignore if that time ever comes.

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Thank you for the replies, and for validating my decision not to respond.

 

Just to clarify, I didn't "ask" her to let me know (just said she could), and I am of no illusions that she has any romantic feelings for me anymore. I didn't not see this text as a sign of anything. Moreso just curious whether ignoring the text would be impolite (along with the normal post-break up anxiety about such things). I do get it...it's over.

 

Thanks everyone.

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It does not matter who said what to who. It is over, for now at any rate. It sounds like you understand this point but the quicker you believe this in your heart the better things will be. Often takes longer than a month for a person to get there, especially if they were the one who was dumped. I'm 13 weeks nearly into this and I still occasionally have a bad moment missing her.

 

if she changes her mind she will reach out to you. It is up to you if that happens as to what you want to do.

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I believe you made the correct choice in not responding. Also I believe that even for sending a polite, brief response- that window of opportunity has long since closed. The message is now a week old. Replying now (in any way) would show her you've been stewing over it for the last week. And that is information she doesn't need or deserve.

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5) I can't think of any reason to respond that's not somehow tactical. I'm scared to ignore her because I'm afraid she'll never talk to me again, because of course I want what everyone wants - that slim possibility that down the road we'll reconcile. Reality is she decided to let me go and risk us never talking again, so it feels like I'd mostly be responding to try and control something that I have absolutely no control over anyway.

 

 

Sounds like you are handling all this pretty well. Honestly if you want the chance to reconcile and try again just communicate with her in a positive manner. But the only way to do this is to actually accept that its over and the chance that you will never be with her again. Like you said you really have no control over it except to handle things maturely and respect her decision. And never ask her about getting back together. She will bring it up if she feels like she made the wrong choice and at that point you may not even want to. If you two had a good emotional connection it wont just fade after a month. I would respond only when spoken to but not to much at first. If you do this just remember that you are opening up the door for more heartache. Ask yourself seriously is she worth it? Can you handle just being friends? After a month I seriously doubt it. Just stay classy!

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Do not respond to anything less than a message that conveys "I screwed up, I miss you and I'm sorry, I made a mistake and I acknowledge that and would like us to try again if you will". Or words to that effect. ANYTHING else is breadcrumbs and her seeking an ego boost to know you are still there pining for her and a potential Plan B.

 

Do not respond this the text. It will do more harm than good. Been there and got the T-shirt and the battle scars. Your distance and absence is best for you and best for the two of you regardless of the outcome.

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I would also add that just because the relationship is over for now (it definitely is) it does not necessarily mean it will be forever. My personal experience as a decent, loyal, generous and dare I say it quite attractive and fit man is that exes often boomerang back. This has happened to me numerous times, including twice with the same ex. However, I've never known one (either to me personally or among numerous friends and family) to stick again for more than a few months if they do. You break up for a reason, even the first time. If you are harboring hopes of her coming back, you should seriously consider these facts and research them here.

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I would also add that just because the relationship is over for now (it definitely is) it does not necessarily mean it will be forever. My personal experience as a decent, loyal, generous and dare I say it quite attractive and fit man is that exes often boomerang back. This has happened to me numerous times, including twice with the same ex. However, I've never known one (either to me personally or among numerous friends and family) to stick again for more than a few months if they do. You break up for a reason, even the first time. If you are harboring hopes of her coming back, you should seriously consider these facts and research them here.

 

It's statistically proven that the majority of relationships don't workout the second time around unless legit time and effort is put in to fix things on both individual and couple level. Otherwise the same problematic patterns will happen. And we will be in pain... again.

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I don't put a lot of weight in statistics or trends about this stuff...relationships and reconciliations aren't a game of chance. Every single situation is unique, and just because some people have reconciled doesn't have any bearing on whether I will/won't or otherwise.

 

Similarly, I could go to the gym everyday, go to counseling, get a new job, new clothes, a nice haircut, the works...and in all likelihood it would make no difference. That isn't how this stuff works.

 

I've never had an ex change their mind, and I don't expect this time to be any different, especially because the circumstances that caused it are still there (we did an LDR for TOO long...and we're still on other sides of the planet).

 

I appreciate all of the great feedback and thoughts, and I'm glad that my decision has been affirmed by you great people. I've been down this road before. I know it's over for good.

 

It's scary and it hurts and I absolutely hate it.

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I don't put a lot of weight in statistics or trends about this stuff...relationships and reconciliations aren't a game of chance. Every single situation is unique, and just because some people have reconciled doesn't have any bearing on whether I will/won't or otherwise.

 

I agree with this.

 

I've been down this road before. I know it's over for good.

 

It's scary and it hurts and I absolutely hate it.

 

Dear justletgo07,

 

I am so sorry for the fear and suffering you are having. It is an awful time.

 

I'm struck by how well you have handled this breakup, and your excellent reasons not to respond. Especially wise is avoiding anything tactical or premeditated. A response with a hidden agenda is humiliatingly, transparently obvious, and damages the ex's respect for you. I wish I had known that in 2014.

 

I'm glad you reached out on ENA to get objective feedback. There is a goldmine of hard-earned experience here.

 

Hoping you feel better soon! Hang in there.

 

Youareworthy

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