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my boyfriend has doubts about us what should i do?


chocolate_86

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Every year my boyfriend suddenly has bad thoughts about us. Everything is great i couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. We have been together nearly 2 and a half years. On special occasions like family gatherings or christmas he freaks out about us. About if we will make it. I occasionally have these fears aswell. Our fears just come from no where. We moved in together 8 months ago and we get on very well. So i dont understand why we still have these fears. I suffer depression in winter and this is about the time this always happens. I get down and he gets weird but it passes. Are we normal??

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Every year my boyfriend suddenly has bad thoughts about us. Everything is great i couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. We have been together nearly 2 and a half years. On special occasions like family gatherings or christmas he freaks out about us. About if we will make it. I occasionally have these fears aswell. Our fears just come from no where. We moved in together 8 months ago and we get on very well. So i dont understand why we still have these fears. I suffer depression in winter and this is about the time this always happens. I get down and he gets weird but it passes. Are we normal??

 

No, this isn't a normal pattern for healthy relationships.

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It depends. I don't think it's fair for any of us to be all "Not healthy." because I actually think doubts ARE healthy for a relationship. It's what you two do with the doubts that matters. I think doubting, questioning, and working things out together can help you as a team to grow stronger, but that's how they should be tackled - together. Is it growing pains? Does he DOUBT being WITH YOU? (A very different thing, and yes, that is unhealthy in the long run and very difficult to overcome).

 

As for your depression: not every partnership is built to withstand bouts of depression, especially if your depression gets in the way of you two being together. Depression happens, but you need to have the self-awareness to deal with it and not put it ON another person to have to handle. Are you seeking help for it?

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All I can go by is my personal experience. I have been in three major relationships in my life, each lasting a decade or more. The first two weren't stable as there were always doubts creeping in about whether we were going to make it. They ended. The third relationship it's not even a thought. We're together and that's it. No doubts, no problems, we're secure and happy together. The only thing we're really afraid of is who dies first.

 

That to me is a healthy relationship. Take it for what it's worth.

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No solid relationships may have ups and downs but not complete doubts about surviving. Why is this and why do holidays precipitate it? that would be a good place to start looking. Are there issues with family/friends getting together?

Every year my boyfriend suddenly has bad thoughts about us.Are we normal??
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It depends. I don't think it's fair for any of us to be all "Not healthy." because I actually think doubts ARE healthy for a relationship. It's what you two do with the doubts that matters. I think doubting, questioning, and working things out together can help you as a team to grow stronger, but that's how they should be tackled - together. Is it growing pains? Does he DOUBT being WITH YOU? (A very different thing, and yes, that is unhealthy in the long run and very difficult to overcome).

 

As for your depression: not every partnership is built to withstand bouts of depression, especially if your depression gets in the way of you two being together. Depression happens, but you need to have the self-awareness to deal with it and not put it ON another person to have to handle. Are you seeking help for it?

 

Mmmm, noooo...I don't buy that at all. I don't think doubts are healthy. They may not always lead to an end, if he couple can get past them, but I don't think it's a GOOD thing to have doubts, and I certainly don't think recurring doubts are healthy.

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I should mention he suffers bad anxiety about everything in his life and has gone off his medication. His whole family suffers really bad anxiety except his mum. So he has good and bad periods

 

What is he doing about his anxiety issues so that they do not result in him shaking up the whole relationship on a regular basis? What if you buy a house with this man or have a child with him and he gets anxious, doubtful and threatens to leave or does leave? Do you really want to be worrying about when the shoe will drop?

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Is that why he questions the relationship around holidays? Does his family suck him back into their drama/dysfunction?

I should mention he suffers bad anxiety about everything in his life and has gone off his medication. His whole family suffers really bad anxiety except his mum
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