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Wife hates my family. Wants to separate


Tkforlife

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I'll try to give as much as I can detailing the history.

 

My wife was friends with my youngest sister when they were in high school. (She is now 29 I am 31). They had a bad falling out. My sister betrayed her numerous times. And then spread rumors and in he words of my wife, ruined her life. My wife also hates my older sister. When it comes down to it, my sisters are es. Hey are terrible people. I have separated myself from my family Bc I to me, there is no family. I make my appearances for holidays and so forth. I try to keep in touch with my mom and take her to lunch or dinner from time to time. But my sisters are the major problem. They never matured past high school.

 

So back to the issue. When my wife and I started dating, we knew it could get ugly with the past history. But my wife tried to accept it and love forward. She really did try her best to live and let go. She made time to hang out with my family, my sisters, etc... But then my sisters (being the terrible people they are) had to make fat jokes about my wife. And they did it in a back door way. (my wife isn't fat but has struggled with weight. My sisters are stick thin). They also made the comments that I was probably cheating on my wife (where they got that from is beyond me). My wife showed me the conversation and I immediately confronted my sisters. I told them how hurt and upset it made my wife. That what they said was unacceptable and won't be tolerated. In plain language, I told them they could F* off if they don't start respecting us. Well, things have only gone down hill since than. My wife is continually stressed out over this. She only wants revenge and to hurt them back. She wishes death and pain upon them. I realize a lot of this might be old history resurfacing. But he fact is I don't know what to do. I am willing to completely cut out my sisters for my wife Bc she is my wife. I see is growing old and living a full happy life. I know it will be hard for me to do. And I know it will be hard on my mom. But I don't see any other alternative. Bc if my wife leaves me Bc of my family, than my family is dead to me.

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You did all you could. Try to stay out of the wars and go no contact with these sisters. Your wife and sisters should not be contacting each other. Your mother will have to understand this.

That what they said was unacceptable and won't be tolerated. In plain language, I told them they could F* off if they don't start respecting us.
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Things have only gone down hill? How did your sister's react when you confronted them? Have things gone down hill because your wife focused on hurt and revenge? Or have they gone down hill because your sisters have continued to be out of their way mean to her even after you confronted them?

 

And this "back door" way of making fun of your wife? What was that?

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Things have only gone down hill? How did your sister's react when you confronted them? Have things gone down hill because your wife focused on hurt and revenge? Or have they gone down hill because your sisters have continued to be out of their way mean to her even after you confronted them?

 

And this "back door" way of making fun of your wife? What was that?

 

My sisters all went on the defensive. That they did nothing wrong. Their apologies were full of insults. The "I don't think I was wrong but I'm sorry if you felt that." But since all that, there has been no contact with them. But when I talk with my mom, she tells me the goings on and I think that is what set my wife off again. She hates hearing about them. She doesn't want to be the butt of their jokes for the rest of her life. She doesn't want to be the person everyone blames for tearing the family apart. I keep telling her gwe can have our own life and be our own family.

 

Back door meaning, they used a picture off the internet and labeled everyone in it (applied the picture to the group) and they assigned the overweight girl in the picture to my wife.

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My sisters all went on the defensive. That they did nothing wrong. Their apologies were full of insults. The "I don't think I was wrong but I'm sorry if you felt that." But since all that, there has been no contact with them. But when I talk with my mom, she tells me the goings on and I think that is what set my wife off again. She hates hearing about them. She doesn't want to be the butt of their jokes for the rest of her life. She doesn't want to be the person everyone blames for tearing the family apart. I keep telling her gwe can have our own life and be our own family.

 

Back door meaning, they used a picture off the internet and labeled everyone in it (applied the picture to the group) and they assigned the overweight girl in the picture to my wife.

 

Ugh. Your sisters are still mean children.

 

But your wife needs to get over this. You cut off contact. You are on her side. She can't spend time obsessing over your sisters being jerks. Has she thought of seeking therapy? It sounds like she might have a lot of deep hurt she needs to work out. It's no good for her or your relationship to be walking around full of desires for revenge and pain. (not that she has to spend time with them, or be nice to them, cutting them out of your life completely is a perfectly fine response... but she is going to hear about them occasionally and that shouldn't wreck her day)

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Without knowing more I'd simply say, you back your wife and cut loose your sisters.

 

And that's what I have told her time and time again. But she doesn't want to be a part of my family anymore. That is why I don't know what more I can do. I've taken her side, I've supported her. But the fact that she is even associated with my family fuels her anger even more.

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Ugh. Your sisters are still mean children.

 

But your wife needs to get over this. You cut off contact. You are on her side. She can't spend time obsessing over your sisters being jerks. Has she thought of seeking therapy? It sounds like she might have a lot of deep hurt she needs to work out. It's no good for her or your relationship to be walking around full of desires for revenge and pain. (not that she has to spend time with them, or be nice to them, cutting them out of your life completely is a perfectly fine response... but she is going to hear about them occasionally and that shouldn't wreck her day)

 

I have suggested therapy and couple counseling. She is against it. She doesn't think it will help and we will just waist money. I know she has her own demons and issues. But I want to help her Bc that's what a marriage is. You don't give up. You keep fighting. She never got over all the pain from the past with my sisters. She blocked it out and bottles it up.

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You don't have to cut out your mother. It has nothing to do with her. Your sisters I would cut off until they grow up .

Your wife knowing you have her back should pull herself together though.

 

 

I agree. I won't cut out my mother. I feel all I can do is continue to show my support for my wife.

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I agree. I won't cut out my mother. I feel all I can do is continue to show my support for my wife.

 

I would tell her you love and support her. Have her block your sisters on social media you do that as well. Don't go to family events but have your mother over to your house instead.

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You need to cut off your sisters 100% - a totally clean break.

 

Then you need to make clear to your wife that you've done this, and that you did it for her because you love her and value her above all others - but with the caveat that she also lets it go and moves on with your life together. If she can't, despite you completely ending your relationship with your sisters, then I'm afraid she's choosing her hurt and anger at them over her love for you.

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You need to tell your wife that marital counseling, with the right counselor, will absolutely help. I was in a similar situation with very hostile, nasty in-laws and it was deeply affecting our marriage. After counseling, we learned to handle them and support each other in a good way -- I think she fears that the counselor is just going to tell her to get over them and get along with your family. I assure you, that is not what is going to happen. You both need to learn new boundaries and new behaviors, and you need to stop discussing the rest of the family with your mother. It isn't helping.

 

Also, the counseling should help your wife get unstuck. She is a little OCD on your family and the therapy should help her with that as well. Believe me, I understand the desire not to be part of my husband's family. I went back to my maiden name because using their name made me feel like they owned me. But I am so over that now (not that I use their name ). Seriously, this is totally fixable.

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You need to tell your wife that marital counseling, with the right counselor, will absolutely help. I was in a similar situation with very hostile, nasty in-laws and it was deeply affecting our marriage. After counseling, we learned to handle them and support each other in a good way -- I think she fears that the counselor is just going to tell her to get over them and get along with your family. I assure you, that is not what is going to happen. You both need to learn new boundaries and new behaviors, and you need to stop discussing the rest of the family with your mother. It isn't helping.

 

Also, the counseling should help your wife get unstuck. She is a little OCD on your family and the therapy should help her with that as well. Believe me, I understand the desire not to be part of my husband's family. I went back to my maiden name because using their name made me feel like they owned me. But I am so over that now (not that I use their name ). Seriously, this is totally fixable.

 

 

Thank you for your advice. I'm glad to know it worked out for you. It gives me some comfort. I will definitely try to push more for the counselor.

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