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I know its jacked up but im dealing with it alone.


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I will try and give as much info as I can. Dated 2 girls before I met my wife. Married my wife after only knowing her a short time and at the age of 18. After 3 years I found out she kissed and gave oral to a guy about a year into our marriage. Forgave her but found out she kissed and touched/let touch from one of my friends and neighbors three years into our marriage. Forgave her and we moved accross the country to get away from everything and start over. After living there for about two years she met another one of my married friends at a hotel and kissed, left and returned to his room a second time and kissed more. She says in all of these cases she did not have sex but can not remember the details of what all happened. She says i am the only one she has ever "been" with. Again I forgave her and tried to move on as she really is a great mom and wife in all other areas other then sex/affection. Fast forward 7-8 years and everything seams to be ok on the side of her not messing around however i dont think we really ever fixed the root cause of the issues. I tried to get help from a few people but they all basically said to brush it under the rug and not make a big deal about it. Now i am 15 years into the marriage and have been missarable in terms of very little passion/sex/kissing really any affection if i try and get with her it is like kissing a tree or having sex with a brick. We have sex maybe once a month if its a good month. From the outside looking in though we look like the perfect couple. Now the part of my store that i need help with. I understand the common response will be for me to leave my wife and get stuff figured out in my life but like I said I am dealing with all of this alone. About 8 months ago a young coworker showed a huge interest in me and heavily persued me of course with the lack of interest at home it was nice having someone want me. She worked at getting me for about a month before i finally gave in and we kissed. This went on for about 2 weeks before we had sex and that quickly turned into love notes and meeting up just about every day. We had lots of sex (probably 30-40 times over 5 months) and we both really fell hard for eachother. We both told eachother how much we loved eachother. Then one day out of the blue it all stopped with no explenation and she just completly ignored me I gave her space but she never came back and I have no idea what happened one day she texts me how much she loves me and cant wait for me to hold her again then the next day complete no contact. Because we work together I see her but she pretty much ignores me there as well. We never talked about me leaving my wife and we never discussed really what we were. I have reached out to her a few times but have been blocked. I see her every day and she is just acting like this never happened. I realize due to her being so young (21) maybe she just doesnt know how to handle this situation and is hoping it just goes away I alao realize that what we did was wrong and I dont plan on telling my wife about it only because I know how painfull that is and how it never leaves you. I really dont know what to do. Does my coworker just want me to go away? She is being somewhat friendly at work now after a month or so but still wont talk to me. I am not interested in people telling how bad Iam I just need someone to be there for me for once in my life because i love my wife and my affair partner just love them both for different reasons.

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The 21 year old was in it for the attention and excitement every bit as much as you were. While the excitement lasted, neither of you were thinking about consequences. Well, that can only last so long before you start thinking about the implications. Speculation: She doesn't want to be responsible for breaking up a guys marriage - so there is no good outcome for her there that won't make her feel guilty and ashamed. She is probably trying to escape those bad feelings as much as possible. Whether you break up with your wife or not, neither option will make her feel good.

 

By giving into this young girl you've made her feel bad, you've made yourself feel bad, and if your wife were to ever find out, I'm pretty sure she would be absolutely thrilled. No wait, I mean she would feel bad too. I mean, what game are you playing here? Who can cheat on their spouse the farthest? (Not to say that she didn't play a part in it too - but you were the one with the power in the situation)

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You've gotten yourself in a pretty miserable situation and don't need my help. But you can't escape or run from reality. This way of life as-is is not sustainable and is going to blow up one way or another. If you keep pursuing the 21 year old you could face sexual harassment charges. And something tells me if your wife finds out it won't be a pleasant, amicable divorce. If you still love your wife, you need to find a way to get that back. I don't have any real recommendations, other than counseling. (I would start with individual counseling, and then do marital). I don't think you ever really forgave your wife for all of her indiscretions (and since they kept happening that's understandable). But adding indiscretions of your own doesn't solve problems, it just creates new ones.

 

Don't dig yourself any deeper man!

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The 21 year old was in it for the attention and excitement every bit as much as you were. While the excitement lasted, neither of you were thinking about consequences. Well, that can only last so long before you start thinking about the implications. Speculation: She doesn't want to be responsible for breaking up a guys marriage - so there is no good outcome for her there that won't make her feel guilty and ashamed. She is probably trying to escape those bad feelings as much as possible. Whether you break up with your wife or not, neither option will make her feel good.

 

By giving into this young girl you've made her feel bad, you've made yourself feel bad, and if your wife were to ever find out, I'm pretty sure she would be absolutely thrilled. No wait, I mean she would feel bad too. I mean, what game are you playing here? Who can cheat on their spouse the farthest? (Not to say that she didn't play a part in it too - but you were the one with the power in the situation)

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You've gotten yourself in a pretty miserable situation and don't need my help. But you can't escape or run from reality. This way of life as-is is not sustainable and is going to blow up one way or another. If you keep pursuing the 21 year old you could face sexual harassment charges. And something tells me if your wife finds out it won't be a pleasant, amicable divorce. If you still love your wife, you need to find a way to get that back. I don't have any real recommendations, other than counseling. (I would start with individual counseling, and then do marital). I don't think you ever really forgave your wife for all of her indiscretions (and since they kept happening that's understandable). But adding indiscretions of your own doesn't solve problems, it just creates new ones.

 

Don't dig yourself any deeper man!

 

Thank you! That is exactly what i was looking for. I know what Ive done is not good and I just dont want anyone to hurt in this situation, even though I know I have caused the hurt it still makes me feel bad.

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Ok, so first off I want to remark on how I literally laughed out loud at the "sex with a brick" comment because I've never heard that before. It was like comic relief to a seriously morbid story.

 

Anyway, it sounds to me like it's pretty obvious you're in a broken marriage. By you saying you don't want to be told how bad you are, you're admitting to being bad. By saying you'd like someone to be there for you for once in your life, I'm assuming you're referring to how nobody has ever consoled you about your situation or been on your side of things.

 

The reason why nobody's consoling you is because nobody in their right mind could in good conscience say that because your wife did A, B, and C - you are justified in doing it as well. In fact, that's rarely a good argument in any case. Saying "I did something that would hurt them (if they knew) because they hurt me first" is a very immature, vindictive string of logic.

 

Let me be perfectly clear: people who love one another NEVER feel justified in hurting or betraying each other. Period.

 

Ok, now that that's out of the way. Your coworker has no obligations to you. In fact, she likely figured out that what she was doing was immoral and cut it off without making a huge fuss about it. That's actually pretty darn commendable. She's made it abundantly clear she's done, so continuing to pine after her is disrespectful to her not to mention your wife.

 

if you and your wife plan to make this marriage work, you're both going to have to reassess the relationship and open up a line of communication. You obviously acted out of YEARS of resentment, but if you want to play the game of lesser of two evils here - your wife wins in that she, to some degree or another, has confessed adultery and betrayal and has given you the right to make up your own mind of whether or not to stay with her. She has let you know she's been unfaithful, and in so doing given you every reason to leave. But you stayed. And if you're going to stay - you two are going to have to be honest, communicative and respectful.

 

She's done two of those things. Now it's your turn.

 

It's better to be loved by someone who knows who you really are and what you've done, than be loved for the person you're pretending to be.

... It took me years, granted I'm still very young, to come to that realization.

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What are these reasons?

Wife: great mother, overall a great person, very attractive. She is not needy. I believe she truly cares about me deep down.

 

OW: I truly enjoy being with her even if its just sitting around talking. Obviously sexually. She also wants me for me and doesnt want me to be someone im not.

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Wife: great mother, overall a great person, very attractive. She is not needy. I believe she truly cares about me deep down.

 

OW: I truly enjoy being with her even if its just sitting around talking. Obviously sexually. She also wants me for me and doesnt want me to be someone im not.

 

She didn't want you for you. She wanted you for a fling. she's not some helpless thing who suddenly rediscovered her morality and left, she got bored with the game. You sound like every middle aged cliché I've ever heard of. You got sucked in by a fling with a young woman and expected it to mean something. It didn't.

 

And now you're left cradling your wounded ego and slinking back to your wife. If you want to try and save your marriage get professional counseling. It's too far gone to save without outside assistance. And if you can come up with an excuse not to go, well you have your answer as to how much your marriage meant.

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In your previous thread you basically asked the same question, yet failed to mention that you had a wife. I understand this was not your question, but how were you planning to go away for a week with the mistress, and cover your tracks, as well.

 

In short, I truly feel bad for your wife... It's high time to pay to the piper.

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He's not a bad guy? Please! In another thread he's asking for advice on what to do about his girlfriend of five months and there is no mention of his wife. You clearly don't love your wife or have any respect for her. I know your wife cheated on you many times which was wrong but she told you about them and you chose to forgive her. Two wrongs don't make a right. Also you carried on a five month affair and say you are in love with this woman. How do you sleep at night? Lying next to your wife at night and putting your children to bed after you have been out all night shagging your girlfriend. It's disgusting! Own up to what you did and face the music. Don't make excuses and say you don't want to hurt her by telling her. If you didn't want to hurt her you wouldn't have screwed another woman 40 times. You just don't want to admit that you are a bad guy and don't want to be alone. Stop blaming your wife for your marriage problems and either get counseling and sort them out or leave her. If you know how much it hurts to be cheated on, why would you do it to another person 40 times.

 

Too many people on this site make excuses for people's poor behaviour and think boys will be boys. What you did was not okay at all and quite frankly you don't deserve either woman.

 

Also you say oh poor me, I'm dealing with all this alone. Well tell your wife and you can deal with it together. This post should really be in the infidelity section not under healing from a breakup or divorce.

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Is your wife still having affairs too?

Wife: great mother, overall a great person, very attractive. She is not needy. I believe she truly cares about me deep down.

 

OW: I truly enjoy being with her even if its just sitting around talking. Obviously sexually. She also wants me for me and doesnt want me to be someone im not.

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