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Short term but I want him back


Shar472

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Hi all! So, I'm 45 and not a kid anymore. I met a guy online and we hit it off in a crazy way. Texted for over a week, all day every day, before we met. Sparks flew. We went out again 4 days later. Our schedules got in the way and it was another week before we went out. Then he had to go out of town with his son and dad. Within three days his texting nearly stopped. Didn't comment on pictures I would send him. Finally I said that he was acting differently. He got defensive and said that he had been busy with his son and was having to work even though he was on vacation. Said I made him feel bad. The rest of that week texting was sporadic. Some days it was great and normal, other days I barely heard from him. And the flirting on his end completely stopped. Even when I set him up for easy come backs. At one point I brought up the change in behavior and asked if he was ok. Same excuse. I expressed sympathy and then layed low. Not bothering him.

Then he gets back from vacation and mentions us trying to "hook up" on Sunday. On Sunday he makes no mention of it so I finally asked if he still wanted to or if he wanted to skip it. He said "how about a quick drink". It was good and we talked for two hours, smiling and happy. But no flirtation again. He walked me to my car and gave me a hug and a quick peck. I texted him what was that about. He ended up sending me a really long text about how he is attracted to me but doesn't think we are a good fit. That we don't want the same things in regards to our kids and family involvement, that I would get mad when he was busy, and that it was really important to spend time together at holidays and stuff and he didn't see that happening with me. All of that is completely wrong and we never discussed any of. He just assumed or got that feeling somehow. I asked if I should bother to respond or if his mind was made up. He said I could explain but he didn't think he was that far off. So I tried. He ended up saying he liked me, had fun with me, I was easy to talk to but he didn't see me as more than a friend. What???!!!

I was devistated but told him I understood, thanks for explaining, and if he changed his mind he knew where to find me.

I've been losing my mind because I think he has the wrong idea about me and what I'm looking for. But we never talked about it! I'm frustrated. He was the most normal, attractive man I've met in a long time. And I know we had chemistry.

So I had a friend of mine on the same dating site make a move on him. Turns out he has been talking to someone the last two weeks. Right around the time his behavior changes. Said they have discussed what they want and what they expect. They haven't met yet but they are going to. And he took his pictures down off the site.

I'm still going crazy. I want to have the opportunity to discuss those things with him. But does it even matter? I think we are completely on the same page with things. He just doesn't know it. My friend is still talking to him and he mentioned having seen one other girl but that he didn't see it going anywhere..." with her. That would be me.

So what do I do. If moving on isn't an option and I want a chance to talk to him in person? I'm doing no contact right now. I'm thinking about using my friend to find out how things go with the new girl. Then make my move. I just need to figure out what that move is? Lol. Maybe I need to just let it go and move on, but right now having a plan in place makes me feel better and calm down.

Any insight?

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Unfortunately he sounds like a player who uses the "you're fun but just a friend" line after the thrill of the chase/catch is over. Stay no contact and block him from everywhere...you don't need any further explanation.

 

Don't do this it's stalking and not worth your energy/loss of dignity 472;6587972]I'm thinking about using my friend to find out how things go with the new girl.

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Why did you keep pestering him while he was away on vacation? Of course communication is different when he's away. He was busy with his child, father and work but you kept pushing him to talk to you.

 

And getting your friend to talk to him for you secretly, you said you're 45 right? That is something an 18 year old would do. You don't plot and sneak your way into someone's life. It either works or it doesn't. Don't force it, just keep dating.

 

Next time relax and let things happen naturally. Don't get so attached and clingy so early. I'm really not surprised he picked up a weird vibe from you and decided to end it.

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Moving on is your only option. If you choose any other option aside from that, it will serve no purpose other than to hurt your own ego and feelings further. Things are done between the two of you.

 

Red flags I got from reading this right off the bat were:

 

- "I'm 45, and not a kid anymore." (oooookay? perhaps I just read this wrong, so I'll continue before getting too hung up on this....)

- He went on vacation with his son and dad. Expect the texting to slow down as he's spending his "vacation" away from his every day life. He's relaxing.

- You continuing to text him and confront him (twice!) while on vacation.

- You setting him up by having your friend hit on him?? I've dated women as young as 19, and as old as 51. It's usually the young, immature ones who do the entire "I'm going to set him up!" speil... The older women move on with their lives.

- "We're so much alike and want all the right things!!!!!!........He just doesn't know it yet!" --- wow... major red flag.

 

If it's any consolation, your gut was right when things weren't feeling right. He was still playing the field (not sure if you guys discussed dating other people or not), and found someone he was more compatible with. Speaking to you directly (hoping you took no offense to any of what I've said thus far), you two simply weren't compatible. Compatibility works both ways. Both parties must have the spark and feeling(s). He simply didn't feel it as much as you did, or as much as you thought he did. Delete him and move on.

 

And to make a clear picture: Any "next move(s)" you may have with this guy, will paint you in a much worse picture, and possibly as someone who may need professional help if you do in fact take action in trying to show him you're the one for him, etc.

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Woah, slow down! Texting every day for a week before even meeting? How many dates did you actually go on? It sounds like two to me from your story, but I could have missed something. Sure, you clicked at first, but that doesn't mean a whole lot long term. For whatever reason, you didn't click as well on his end as you seemed to on yours. This is what dating is about. And so what if he was talking to other girls. You weren't exclusive, were you? You were just talking - not in a relationship.

 

He bowed out when he was sure it wasn't working.

 

Try not to get so worked up early on. It does sound like he may have led you on a little bit. Be on the look out for that, if they sound too eager at the beginning it can be a bad sign. They don't know you yet, so that eagerness is mostly based on their own personality and their imagination. And the same with how you feel - you got attached more based on your desire for things to work out and your idea of him than what was really going on.

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It's not that he has the wrong idea about you and what you are looking for, it's simply that he doesn't feel "that way" about you, which is indeed hurtful but it's part of dating, not everyone is a good match for everyone. It sounds like he likes you as a person, but doesn't feel the chemistry that is mandatory in order for a relationship to occur. No amount of explaining and/or convincing will magically make him develop romantic feelings towards you. What it will do is make you look nutty and like that person who can't take a hint.

Also, what you have asked your friend to do is a bit too out there, especially since the two of them are still talking! This is just not healthy, and if he found out about this set-up, he would most definitely place you in bunny boiler territory. Plus, it kind of sounds to me like they are hitting it off, so don't be surprised if they start seeing each other.

 

Let him go, there will be other men.

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You went out three times, hounded him while he was away with his son and father, had your friend create a fake profile with which to communicate with him on the dating site, and now want your friend to grill him about this new girl?

 

GROW UP.

 

You're 45 years old, and you're acting like a creepy, stalky, desperate teenager. Pretty sure he got that vibe, too, and that's why he doesn't want anything further to do with you.

 

Ugh, this whole post disgusted me.

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Wayyyyyyyyy too much drama for a two hour meet and some texting.

 

You forced the issue, and he told you where he stands. Go back online and find someone else.

 

As far as 'we had chemistry', well no. You only speak for you, not him. And I think he's made himself clear.

 

And really?? Moving on isn't an option. I think it's your only option. If he has any interest, being this keen is bordering on clingy. Don't have your friend spy on him. He's not interested. Be graceful, be adult, be good to yourself and move on.

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