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I love my current girlfriend.. But i love my ex more than anyone.


Dl1795
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If she hasn't made contact in 2 years....she is NOT interested. And sometimes friends tell you what they think you want to hear - ie, they ask her leading questions and take what she says out of context and reports back a half truth. If she really wanted to try again - she would have contacted you and told you she wished she weren't in a relationship or if not, would have sent you breadcrumbs - meaningless "how are ya" texts just to make sure she occasionally was able to keep tabs on your wherabouts. And because her FRIEND is seeing you - that sort of puts the nail on the coffin. I would never steal someone from a friend and i would never go back to someone a friend is with.

I asked her to not contact me when we last spoke. I said it was for the best. But.. Im starting to see things different.. You all have valid points. Some judgemental some thoughtful they all point out things i neglected to look at. I know that this is wrong. But if its not right its not right. I dont really know myself single. I have had to fill the holes with other women and it is complicated. And wrong. But here i have found someone. And i love her.. I owe her my love. I feel a new appreciation for her. And a more realistic view of my past relationship. I owe it to not just her but myself to give this my best effort. She helped me through alot. Weve helped eachother. We both met eachother when grieving a past breakup. She trys. I try. And we made something beautiful out of it.

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She isnt a fantasy. She is part of my life. A large part.

 

This is really disturbing. She is NOT any part of your life, only the memory of her and your obsession with her is. And you are NOT any part of her life. She has moved on long ago.

 

You haven't spoken in two years.

She is with someone else.

 

What more truth do you need that this is over? I feel so bad for your current girlfriend, who probably has no clue that you are this disordered over a past relationship that ended so long ago. You keep saying you love your girlfriend, and that you want what's best for her etc etc etc. You need to own your actions and understand that what you are doing is making a CHOICE to continue something selfish and pointless that will only end up hurting her. You feel what you feel, I get it. But you are not a victim to your feelings, you are CHOOSING to continue this obsession with your ex and use your current girlfriend as a distraction or whatever. You've asked what you should do:

 

1. End things immediately with your current girlfriend

2. Seek counseling

3. Leave your prior ex ALONE

4. Stay completely single until you are mentally and emotionally healthy and ready to be a good partner to a new person

 

OR.... keep wallowing and obsessing over your ex, but acknowledge that it's your choice, and you don't have the right to drag innocent people (like your current gf) down with you.

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What is standing out to me the most is that you are accusing people of being judgemental when all we are doing is not feeding into your fantasy and pointing out unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns.

 

You are still obsessed with her. I'll say it again, It's not love and it is not healthy.

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You are in love with the past, not your X. You said that those times were the happiest but think about it. It wasnt because she was great to you. It was happy because doing things for someone made you happy. You saw yourself as a knight in armor here to save your X and you still think of yourself as this great knight that is meant to be with your princess. The girl you met in HS is not the same girl she was. Much like you, she has evolved and she if she moved to another country to be with this guy, that pretty much means she has purged you from her life. As much as you think she thinks of you every day, she hasnt and isnt.

You are in love with a fantasy...

Now how would you feel if you were dating a girl who was in love with her X? You would be here posting how you were the rebound and probably be angry how she never told you about the feelings she has for her X still. How when she makes love to you, she is picturing her X. Would that make you happy to hear that? Then why are you doing the same to your current GF?

You have gotten some good insight, but you want to see what you want to see. You believe your X is still thinking of you and as soon as she comes back she is going to fall into your arms. Even if she gets married you would convince yourself its a sham and that she still loves you. If she has kids with this guy you will think that she will think of them being your kids. There is nothing I can say to convince you that its over...

So Im just going to say its over...

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I asked her to not contact me when we last spoke. I said it was for the best. But.. Im starting to see things different.. You all have valid points. Some judgemental some thoughtful they all point out things i neglected to look at. I know that this is wrong. But if its not right its not right. I dont really know myself single. I have had to fill the holes with other women and it is complicated. And wrong. But here i have found someone. And i love her.. I owe her my love. I feel a new appreciation for her. And a more realistic view of my past relationship. I owe it to not just her but myself to give this my best effort. She helped me through alot. Weve helped eachother. We both met eachother when grieving a past breakup. She trys. I try. And we made something beautiful out of it.

 

Kind of sad that I can't tell if you're talking about the current or past girlfriend

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You need to talk to someone, maybe a therapist. They'll help you, because that's what you need. Your ex has moved on, she moved on a long time ago. She's living a life which you're not a part of anymore, sadly. But that's life. You need to let go otherwise you will never have any real relationships with anybody else. As for your current girlfriend, this isn't fair on her.

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Dear Dl1795,

 

I am so sorry for the pain these thoughts and feelings are causing for you. Though my pain did not lead me to the same self-destructive extremes, I once had an ex-boyfriend about whom I thought constantly, and it interfered with my life for a long time. It was very, very painful to me to finally accept that the man I loved so much was simply no longer in my life. Period. Once I finally accepted that, though, I felt tremendously better, and began to live a healthier life.

 

I can tell from your writing that you really want to be free of these constant thoughts about your ex. You sought out our advice, I think, because you sense that these thoughts aren't healthy. You have also stated that you know it isn't fair to your current girlfriend to be having these thoughts and feelings.

 

I think you should look into ways of monitoring and improving your thoughts. Some terms you could search for on the internet are "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy," "thought-stopping" and "obsessive thinking."

 

I know that the way I got over my obsession was by continually telling myself, "Right now, we are not together. I refuse to let my mind go to the past or the future about him." Then I would, by an act of the will, force myself to think about an entirely different topic. One of the topics I would frequently think about was a prayer for people in need. Some days it seemed like I was repeating those thought-stopping sentences a hundred times or more, but eventually it worked, and a lot more quickly than I expected it to.

 

I feel sure that you can overcome this with practice in redirecting your thoughts. Good therapists know how to help you redirect your thoughts.

 

Blessings to you.

 

Youareworthy

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This last comment was right on the money! I wanted to say something like that too.

When we fall in love it never leaves our hearts, we do never forget the first person who we really fell in love with.

BUT, we do have to function and keep going with life even if our hearts are truly broken.

I do know how you feel. Every day I think of the man I loved, but he never did love me at all, not even a little bit. So when I think of him I remind myself of the truth, and then over time with a thought of him I didn't have so much of the emotional charge. I am also having a hard time completely disconnecting from him, in that I have become acutely aware of my flaws, because that was one of the ways he let me know he didn't give a about me was to tell me I'm too ugly, because he is a stupid peice of that I should never have even spent one minute with. ..oh sorry, this isn't about me, as you can see, he no longer occupies a pedestal.

This all ended over 3 years ago, you would think by now I wouldn't feel anything but I do, this is just life. And I also recommend that you get away from substances that skew your perception, and seek out some therapy. There's a ton of stuff out there.

And ultimately it does come down to self discipline and mental control, or is it self control and mental discipline.

Either way, this sucks to go through, but you aren't alone, and you will survive it.

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Try to see things from your exes perspective. If I were her, and watched you choke the life out of someone in a hallway just because he happened to be dating me, I would never speak to you again. That's FRIGHTENING.

 

Beyond the substance abuse issues, you clearly have some mental health problems that have not yet been dealt with. You need to deal with those because they are going to ruin everything you touch if you don't. Your current girlfriend does not deserve that.

 

I dated a guy in high school when I was 17. He was 20. He got very serious very quickly. He kept telling me he loved me, wanted to marry me, etc. and I parroted those things back because I didn't know what else to say. I liked him, but I didn't love him. His intensity made me extremely uncomfortable and after a little while I wanted to break up but had no idea how to do it because he technically hadn't done anything WRONG.

 

Eventually I used University as an excuse. Told him I didn't want to do long distance and he seemed to accept that - even wanted to be friends. However, every time I came in contact with him, he would make hints that he still carried a torch. When I met my husband and invited my ex to a party to meet him, he said he couldn't be around the guy I was dating. This was 10 years after we broke up. I hadn't realized it was that serious for him, so I told him it was best if we were not friends any more.

 

I found out recently through a mutual friend that he STILL keeps tabs on me. He knows where I work, that I'm married, etc. It creeps me out a little that he still hasn't moved on.

 

You need to move on. What this is, is not healthy. It's NOT love - it's co dependence and obsession. Your ex is with someone. If she wanted to be with you, she would be.

 

Let that sink in: If she wanted to be with you, SHE WOULD BE.

 

Seek therapy and end your current relationship. Learn how to be you without this girl.

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Dear Dl1795,

 

I am so sorry for the pain these thoughts and feelings are causing for you. Though my pain did not lead me to the same self-destructive extremes, I once had an ex-boyfriend about whom I thought constantly, and it interfered with my life for a long time. It was very, very painful to me to finally accept that the man I loved so much was simply no longer in my life. Period. Once I finally accepted that, though, I felt tremendously better, and began to live a healthier life.

 

I can tell from your writing that you really want to be free of these constant thoughts about your ex. You sought out our advice, I think, because you sense that these thoughts aren't healthy. You have also stated that you know it isn't fair to your current girlfriend to be having these thoughts and feelings.

 

I think you should look into ways of monitoring and improving your thoughts. Some terms you could search for on the internet are "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy," "thought-stopping" and "obsessive thinking."

 

I know that the way I got over my obsession was by continually telling myself, "Right now, we are not together. I refuse to let my mind go to the past or the future about him." Then I would, by an act of the will, force myself to think about an entirely different topic. One of the topics I would frequently think about was a prayer for people in need. Some days it seemed like I was repeating those thought-stopping sentences a hundred times or more, but eventually it worked, and a lot more quickly than I expected it to.

 

I feel sure that you can overcome this with practice in redirecting your thoughts. Good therapists know how to help you redirect your thoughts.

 

Blessings to you.

 

Youareworthy

Thank you.. For a real heart felt answer. I was beginnig to feel so awful about coming here. Everyone read this and thought i was a terrible person. Im just looking for an answer. I will definitely work on this. If anything. This is opening my eyes that she really hasnt tried contacting me. Therefore i should leave her and her life be.. This is just so much build up. Its just hard to not think of something that changed me so much all of the time. But i need to move on too.

 

I dont want to keep chasing her. I really dont. Everyone i know thinks im over her but i still have these issues. I purposely act like i dont care about her around other people but when im alone in my head... Its like i cant think of anything else. I will look into this. I deserve a better lifestyle than this too. I guess i am still getting over this. I do wish i would stop thinking of her. Despite the numerous rude comments i got previously. I really wish i had more power over this. But i can do that. This is good advise.

 

Thank you

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This last comment was right on the money! I wanted to say something like that too.

When we fall in love it never leaves our hearts, we do never forget the first person who we really fell in love with.

BUT, we do have to function and keep going with life even if our hearts are truly broken.

I do know how you feel. Every day I think of the man I loved, but he never did love me at all, not even a little bit. So when I think of him I remind myself of the truth, and then over time with a thought of him I didn't have so much of the emotional charge. I am also having a hard time completely disconnecting from him, in that I have become acutely aware of my flaws, because that was one of the ways he let me know he didn't give a about me was to tell me I'm too ugly, because he is a stupid peice of that I should never have even spent one minute with. ..oh sorry, this isn't about me, as you can see, he no longer occupies a pedestal.

This all ended over 3 years ago, you would think by now I wouldn't feel anything but I do, this is just life. And I also recommend that you get away from substances that skew your perception, and seek out some therapy. There's a ton of stuff out there.

And ultimately it does come down to self discipline and mental control, or is it self control and mental discipline.

Either way, this sucks to go through, but you aren't alone, and you will survive it.

Thanks simplecure.. Its nice to hear from somebody else who has this issue. It does give me hope. I have decided not to contact her. I was being especially weak yesterday. Thinking that was what i really wanted. But. I see that i just need to learn to let her go. I do love my girlfriend. Despite what everybody else thinks. We havent quite reached the level of connection i allowed myself to connect to my ex. I do distance her. Which isnt fair. But connection is hard for me since. But if i could connect with anyone.. It would be my girlfriend. Not an ex from the past.

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Try to see things from your exes perspective. If I were her, and watched you choke the life out of someone in a hallway just because he happened to be dating me, I would never speak to you again. That's FRIGHTENING.

 

Beyond the substance abuse issues, you clearly have some mental health problems that have not yet been dealt with. You need to deal with those because they are going to ruin everything you touch if you don't. Your current girlfriend does not deserve that.

 

I dated a guy in high school when I was 17. He was 20. He got very serious very quickly. He kept telling me he loved me, wanted to marry me, etc. and I parroted those things back because I didn't know what else to say. I liked him, but I didn't love him. His intensity made me extremely uncomfortable and after a little while I wanted to break up but had no idea how to do it because he technically hadn't done anything WRONG.

 

Eventually I used University as an excuse. Told him I didn't want to do long distance and he seemed to accept that - even wanted to be friends. However, every time I came in contact with him, he would make hints that he still carried a torch. When I met my husband and invited my ex to a party to meet him, he said he couldn't be around the guy I was dating. This was 10 years after we broke up. I hadn't realized it was that serious for him, so I told him it was best if we were not friends any more.

 

I found out recently through a mutual friend that he STILL keeps tabs on me. He knows where I work, that I'm married, etc. It creeps me out a little that he still hasn't moved on.

 

You need to move on. What this is, is not healthy. It's NOT love - it's co dependence and obsession. Your ex is with someone. If she wanted to be with you, she would be.

 

Let that sink in: If she wanted to be with you, SHE WOULD BE.

 

Seek therapy and end your current relationship. Learn how to be you without this girl.

.. Well i keep reading the word obsessed.. So even though i dont think of it that way. Thats how it is perceived by others around me if i were to do this. I dont keep tabs on her. We have similar friends. And i tend to hear from the grapevine about her every now and then. I dont want to keep tabs about her.. Which is why i left FB because i felt an overwhelming urge to see a picture of her. Or wonder what she was doing. I realized that isnt healthy. So i dont use it. But now i still wonder about her. So when i do hear about her its like my brain stores it. Whether i want it to or not.

 

But i know i scared her when i fought her bf at the time. And she told me i scared her. But she later thanked me because he ended up being a total jerk. Which i didnt know what to think when she told me that. But i will accept this was all years ago. I was on some heavy meds at the time. And depressed. I remember i lost 50 pounds that summer without even trying. I was not stable. I was young. Jealous. Weak. I am stronger now. And i can conquer this.

 

If she wanted it to be. It would have been a long time ago.

Thank you

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.. Well i keep reading the word obsessed.. So even though i dont think of it that way. Thats how it is perceived by others around me if i were to do this. I dont keep tabs on her. We have similar friends. And i tend to hear from the grapevine about her every now and then. I dont want to keep tabs about her.. Which is why i left FB because i felt an overwhelming urge to see a picture of her. Or wonder what she was doing. I realized that isnt healthy. So i dont use it. But now i still wonder about her. So when i do hear about her its like my brain stores it. Whether i want it to or not.

 

But i know i scared her when i fought her bf at the time. And she told me i scared her. But she later thanked me because he ended up being a total jerk. Which i didnt know what to think when she told me that. But i will accept this was all years ago. I was on some heavy meds at the time. And depressed. I remember i lost 50 pounds that summer without even trying. I was not stable. I was young. Jealous. Weak. I am stronger now. And i can conquer this.

 

If she wanted it to be. It would have been a long time ago.

Thank you

I believe this is very similar to how she probably felt. From hearing your experience. I need to stop putting her on a pedestal. I can think of a 100 bad things i k ow about her or she has done. I choose to look at the good in her. And thats not fair to me or my girlfriend. Too much passion for too young an age. Theres an obvious scar. I need to forget. I remember that day she thanked me for hurting that guy. He was an idiot. And an a ss but. Innocent. She was glad i hurt him after it all. I remember thinking to myself how used i felt. And how messed up that was. Because i couldnt believe i had did that at the time. When o was younger. I had been in alot of fights. Because of bullying or defending myself or a friend. Or just scrapping with my brother. But never to just hurt somebody. I was offended when she said that. But i was so blind at the time. I was just glad she was talking to me.

 

Theres better out there. I shouldnt focus on someone who enjoyed seeing guys suffer for her.

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You need to talk to someone, maybe a therapist. They'll help you, because that's what you need. Your ex has moved on, she moved on a long time ago. She's living a life which you're not a part of anymore, sadly. But that's life. You need to let go otherwise you will never have any real relationships with anybody else. As for your current girlfriend, this isn't fair on her.

I understand. Thank you for your comment.

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You remind me a bit of my first love, from when I was 14. We basically had an emotional relationship and kept in contact until I was 18 or so. He was much older (30s). At the time, I was struggling with severe depression and anxiety and he had his own problems too. He was very mentally ill.

 

I'm 26 and guess what, he has never truly moved on. He still passively stalks me through social media. New accounts crop up that he has made just to follow me (because I blocked the other ones). I buried the hatchet with him over a year ago - we talked and I got some closure on things and I thought it would be helpful for him too so the passive stalking would stop but it hasn't worked. He still does it. He will not let go and it has been over 10 years. I'm done now. I've moved on but it's clear that he has not - he is still mentally ill, living with his mother, and dependent on the govt for money, and that's his life.

 

Don't be like him. I am sad when I think of him now because it is wasted potential. You are "stuck" in the past. Your recollection of your relationship with her was all the rosy parts. It keeps you anchored. You want to hold on because you're in love with the idea of her and the memory of her, but you're not actually in love with her.

 

I had to realize this myself but once I did, it was very freeing. Wish my first love could realize it for himself so he could be free. But he's a masochist so in a way, I think he enjoys being in chains. That's really my only explanation. But you don't have to keep holding on. You can cast them off and move on with your life.

 

It is an active choice and it's a hard road but it is possible. I really urge you to seek therapy, not just to help with this, but also to help with your substance abuse. That stuff will just keep you stuck in life.

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You remind me a bit of my first love, from when I was 14. We basically had an emotional relationship and kept in contact until I was 18 or so. He was much older (30s). At the time, I was struggling with severe depression and anxiety and he had his own problems too. He was very mentally ill.

 

I'm 26 and guess what, he has never truly moved on. He still passively stalks me through social media. New accounts crop up that he has made just to follow me (because I blocked the other ones). I buried the hatchet with him over a year ago - we talked and I got some closure on things and I thought it would be helpful for him too so the passive stalking would stop but it hasn't worked. He still does it. He will not let go and it has been over 10 years. I'm done now. I've moved on but it's clear that he has not - he is still mentally ill, living with his mother, and dependent on the govt for money, and that's his life.

 

Don't be like him. I am sad when I think of him now because it is wasted potential. You are "stuck" in the past. Your recollection of your relationship with her was all the rosy parts. It keeps you anchored. You want to hold on because you're in love with the idea of her and the memory of her, but you're not actually in love with her.

 

I had to realize this myself but once I did, it was very freeing. Wish my first love could realize it for himself so he could be free. But he's a masochist so in a way, I think he enjoys being in chains. That's really my only explanation. But you don't have to keep holding on. You can cast them off and move on with your life.

 

It is an active choice and it's a hard road but it is possible. I really urge you to seek therapy, not just to help with this, but also to help with your substance abuse. That stuff will just keep you stuck in life.

Thank you. I will. I dont know if i can afford to pay for therapy right now. But i am going to call my therapist today. Im not crazy. I just. Still ha ent moved on quite yet. The last things she told me were very... Cliffhanging. I wish she wouldve just told me we were over. She never did. She apologized for everything. I forgave her and she told me to stay in contact. But i havent said anything to her in 2 years. I wanted to everyday but. I am trying to forget her. Ive been worried lately vecause of problems with my girlfriend. I was worried it had to do with me comparing her to my ex. Which i was doing. I can continue going about my life. The pain has lessened since we broke up. I can continue doing this. And work hard to put it behind me for good.

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She's living with her bf/husband happily in Japan and she hasn't contacted you in two years. Read up (for free!) on obsessional love... Google it. it will ease your mind that your not alone with this.

 

Not the therapy you actually need, but informing yourself about issues never hurts until you can get in to see a psychiatrist about the substance abuse and underlying previously treated mood/aggression issues, which sadly, you continue to romanticize as a long lost love issue.

i havent said anything to her in 2 years.
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She's living with her bf/husband happily in Japan and she hasn't contacted you in two years. Read up (for free!) on obsessional love... Google it. it will ease your mind that your not alone with this.

 

Not the therapy you actually need, but informing yourself about issues never hurts until you can get in to see a psychiatrist about the substance abuse and underlying previously treated mood/aggression issues, which sadly, you continue to romanticize as a long lost love issue.

I get it. Im sober for over a year. Ive already went through therapy for this. I learned i just need to not give up. Because thats what i was thinking of doing to myself yesterday. Giving in. Some days are harder than others. I get that its unhealthy. Even obsessive. Im not hurting myself. Or hurting others. Doing drugs or anything. This is an internal struggle. Im wiling to go back for therapy to focus more on the leaving behind aspect of it all. Because i do still think about it. Im obsessed with the past. Thats my flaw. I will work on this.

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Closure really has to come from within. Even though I "buried the hatchet" so to speak with my first love a year ago and it was helpful to me, it was clearly not helpful to him, no matter what I said. In the end, closure has to come from within you. It took me YEARS to understand that. Think of how many people have unfinished business with people, like when someone dies and things were left unsaid. Life goes on and most people learn to move on. You will too. You coming here is a big step. You admit that you're stuck in the past. Do you know how many people don't even get to that point? Too darn many. You know you have a problem and that you're stuck/obsessed in the past and you're getting help. You will get there.

 

I don't think anyone at their end of their life looks back and says "gee, everything tied up nicely!". No one does that. Everyone has loose ends. It's part of human relationships and cognition. We are always left wondering about something, "what if" this, "what if" that.

 

Through therapy, you will be able to come to terms with the fact that she may very well be a "loose end" for you. But instead of fretting about it, you'll let it lie in the past where it belongs.

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Closure really has to come from within. Even though I "buried the hatchet" so to speak with my first love a year ago and it was helpful to me, it was clearly not helpful to him, no matter what I said. In the end, closure has to come from within you. It took me YEARS to understand that. Think of how many people have unfinished business with people, like when someone dies and things were left unsaid. Life goes on and most people learn to move on. You will too. You coming here is a big step. You admit that you're stuck in the past. Do you know how many people don't even get to that point? Too darn many. You know you have a problem and that you're stuck/obsessed in the past and you're getting help. You will get there.

 

I don't think anyone at their end of their life looks back and says "gee, everything tied up nicely!". No one does that. Everyone has loose ends. It's part of human relationships and cognition. We are always left wondering about something, "what if" this, "what if" that.

 

Through therapy, you will be able to come to terms with the fact that she may very well be a "loose end" for you. But instead of fretting about it, you'll let it lie in the past where it belongs.

 

Your comment is very true. Ive always had trouble letting go of these types of things. It feels so recent to me. But i count the years and it is hitting me right now. Honestly. My chest hurts a thinking of it. Still. Ive honestly always kept promises i made to her of how i would never leave. And promises to myself how i would never leave her either. But.. We were kids. I cant keep living like this. I guess im still in the fake it till you make it stage. But maybe it was a bunch of high school. Teenage bs. It wasnt real.

I thought it was. It was to me but not to her. Therefore it wasnt real. It has to be on both sides. nd it wasn't. I f-ing hate saying it. Im not even saying. Im writing it. I have a knot in my throat and chest. It is ridiculous i physically am hurting just writing this.. I just need to keep going. I hope this goes away. I hope one day i can look at this and laugh. Not be anxious and sad. I will seek help for this.

Closure really has to come from within. Even though I "buried the hatchet" so to speak with my first love a year ago and it was helpful to me, it was clearly not helpful to him, no matter what I said. In the end, closure has to come from within you. It took me YEARS to understand that. Think of how many people have unfinished business with people, like when someone dies and things were left unsaid. Life goes on and most people learn to move on. You will too. You coming here is a big step. You admit that you're stuck in the past. Do you know how many people don't even get to that point? Too darn many. You know you have a problem and that you're stuck/obsessed in the past and you're getting help. You will get there.

 

I don't think anyone at their end of their life looks back and says "gee, everything tied up nicely!". No one does that. Everyone has loose ends. It's part of human relationships and cognition. We are always left wondering about something, "what if" this, "what if" that.

 

Through therapy, you will be able to come to terms with the fact that she may very well be a "loose end" for you. But instead of fretting about it, you'll let it lie in the past where it belongs.

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Even if it was real (and not Highschool BS) that doesn't mean you can't get over it. I believe you can because you're here and you're seeking help and you WANT to change. You're definitely hurting so anything you need to do (other than drug usage) or say to yourself to get you through this hard time til you begin to work on it, it's okay. If it helps to think of it as silly/stupid and to distance yourself from it for now, that's totally fine.

 

It's all part of a healing process. Your thoughts and feelings will change with time. You may oscillate between anger, sadness, and even relief. All of it is okay.

 

You can do this.

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This is an internal struggle. Im wiling to go back for therapy to focus more on the leaving behind aspect of it all. Because i do still think about it. Im obsessed with the past. Thats my flaw. I will work on this.

 

I love that you can own these thoughts and call them what they are. That was a really important step for me in getting over my ex, too.

 

But maybe it was a bunch of high school. Teenage bs. It wasnt real.

I thought it was. It was to me but not to her. Therefore it wasnt real. It has to be on both sides. And it wasn't. I f-ing hate saying it. Im not even saying. Im writing it. I have a knot in my throat and chest. It is ridiculous i physically am hurting just writing this.. I just need to keep going. I hope this goes away. I hope one day i can look at this and laugh. Not be anxious and sad. I will seek help for this.

 

If you two lived the experience, then it was real; the love that teenagers share is not necessarily BS. It seems like your situation was really unhealthy, but it was what you really lived, nonetheless. But being "real" doesn't mean that something is meant to be "forever." The love my ex and I had was real. There is no question in either of our minds, or in the minds of our parents and friends. The problems were just bigger than the love, and the problems prevented us from being together for life. It hurts, but it is what it is.

 

Closure really has to come from within.....You coming here is a big step. You admit that you're stuck in the past. Do you know how many people don't even get to that point? Too darn many. You know you have a problem and that you're stuck/obsessed in the past and you're getting help. You will get there.

 

Through therapy, you will be able to come to terms with the fact that she may very well be a "loose end" for you. But instead of fretting about it, you'll let it lie in the past where it belongs.

 

You are not denying that you have an issue. You see it and you want to change. Fudgie is dead on here. Acknowledging the problem is way more than half the battle! Good for you!!!

 

I appreciate this notion of a "loose end." I especially like the idea of choosing to let that loose end lie in the past instead of choosing to fret about it.

 

Even if it was real (and not Highschool BS) that doesn't mean you can't get over it. I believe you can because you're here and you're seeking help and you WANT to change. You're definitely hurting so anything you need to do (other than drug usage) or say to yourself to get you through this hard time til you begin to work on it, it's okay. If it helps to think of it as silly/stupid and to distance yourself from it for now, that's totally fine.

 

It's all part of a healing process. Your thoughts and feelings will change with time. You may oscillate between anger, sadness, and even relief. All of it is okay.

You can do this.

 

I agree. Don't be discouraged or thrown by these widely varying emotions while you are going through the healing; if you keep seeking healing, eventually you will feel much, much better, and thoughts of her will not traumatize you anymore.

 

I agree with Fudgie, you can do this!

 

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Of course the experience you shared with her was real! In the same way that it is harmful that you are still holding onto the past, especially a very rosy idea of a time that you expected would last forever, I also think it can be harmful to try to pretend you didn't experience it. Life is a collection of magical moments and experiences that don't last. I think of my grandfather every time I see a train, because he liked trains. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it made me happy. I wish he were still alive. But I have moved on without burying those memories.

 

The thing is, just as your body is not the same body that it was 2 years ago; your life is not the same, your personality is not the same. And the same with her. Your paths intersected for a brief and powerful moment that was very important to you both, but then it has diverged. Many of the things that you were dealing with that she helped you through you are beginning to overcome and move on from. And she has moved on in her own way. You even have a girlfriend, so you've moved on too. You have! You have already been moving on. There is just still a part of you that doesn't agree with the rest of you. A part of you that thinks that back in the past is where it's at. But there are new experiences in the future and the present that you will have an opportunity to miss later on. Keep focusing on the present and where you are. And on how far you have already come.

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