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I love my current girlfriend.. But i love my ex more than anyone.


Dl1795
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When i was 15. I met the girl of my dreams. I loved everything about her. Her hair. Her smile. Her voice. Her personality. Her laugh. Her body. Everything. Even the way i felt around her. She was so mysterious. Beyond beautiful. Shy. Quiet. And when i met her. I havent stopped think about her... Every minute of my life since. I eventually asked her to a school dance and she agreed and that night we kissed while dancing. I never enjoyed a kiss more than that. We dated my sophomore year through the end of my jr year. I was hopelessly devoted to her. We lost our virginity to eachother and shared our first love together. She had some mental ilnesses... Such as bipolar disorder. Depression. Self mutilating. Suicidal. And munchausen syndrome. She was very unpredictable. And everytime she hurt herself. Or was depressed i felt her pain in the deepest part of my soul. To make her feel better i would shower her in attention. Or walk/run (before i could drive) miles just to see her. Nothing would keep me from her. I would truely have done anything for her if she asked. Her family wanted us to get married. Not so much my family.. But i was making plans to propose to her sometime after she graduated. (She was a grade under me.) whenever i asked her to dances or anything.. I always went all out. Asking her in the biggest most romantic ways possible. The whole school envied our relationship. So my proposal was going to be extravagant. But at the end of my jr year. She started becoming distant after her grandfather died. We went to prom the day after his funeral. Where i was a paulbearer. And i could tell she wasnt the same. I worried after that she was talking to people online. Other guys. I peaked once at her tablet to see for myself. And she was. She became very upset. And soon after dumped me days after prom. I was destroyed. I did not understand. That summer i spent it inside. Everyday. She told me she needed a break. Because a day after she broke up with me i quit my job. Of which was a verywell paying commited job to have at my age. And i spent all day everyday. In a dark room depressed and angry. Staring at my phone for her to call. I began cutting myself. Every week she didnt call. Which was the whole summer. I attempted suicide with overdose. Was not successful. Woke up in an immense amount of pain and vomit in my eyes. On a railroad. Afyer i began pointing guns at my head loaded holding the trigger. Wondering if i would be able to. My brother walked in on me doing this and told my parents. They got me help. Into my senior year i saw her again. And i was happy again. She would come up to me and ask how i was doing. I was starting to think we would get back together. But i found out she started dating another guy. When i heard gis name i stormed out of the classroom she happened to be there too. And i found out who he was. The next day i tried not to look at her. But i purposely walked by her to see him all over her. I walked by and turned around and attacked him. He was so caught off guard. I punched him and he threw me into a locker and we fell into the ground and i began choking him until he was purple in front of all. The hallway to see. I let him go. I was charged eith assault and battery . but charges were dropped. I was sent to a psych hospital. I stayed there for 2 months. I was put on meds that changed me. I was no longer sad. Or happy. For the next year of my life. She eventually dumped him after awhile and started dating one of my goodfriends. I was crushed. Wondering what i was doing. I became an alcoholic. And my depression lessend. She contacted me after i graduated to apologize for the way she ended things. Saying she was a steriotypical high school . I accepted her apology and asked if i could talk to her face to face. She agreed and i opted for a real goodbye. I hugged her and wished her good luck but i told her i couldnt be her friend. It was too painful. Since i have struggled with dating and soberity. Anytime i ever took out a girl and it came to sex. I could never bring myself to physical contact with another girl. Sex was impossible. I staryed smoking weed and using lsd. But not in a form of where it consumed my life. Most times. I met my current girlfriend (again)Right now i am doing well. Im in school for dental and i have friends and my girlfriend loves me. And i love her. She used to be a close friend to my ex. And she gives me what i couldnt get from my ex. For someone to be devoted to me. If was smart.. I would keep her. We argue alot but i know she would be the safer choice than my ex. But everyday. Every minute. I still think of my ex. my girlfriend is great. But.. Nobody will ever compare to my ex. My body wont let them. When i started dating my girlfriend i had to use viagra just to be able to finally have sex with her because body wouldnt let me. I can have sex again now and dont need viagra anymore but.. I still have trouble because. Its not my ex. My girlfriend is hot but not.. Her. Weve been together for over a year. And she is devoted. I am too but... Im scared i will never be rid of my ex. She is dating a japanese guy and staying with him i. Japan now. But. I know shes coming home soon. And i am planning on twlling her i still love her. I dont know what to do. My girlfriend will be crushed. I will be crushed because i hurt her. I dont even know if my ex still has feelings. But this is something that wont go away. It will probably ruin my current relationship. But i cant deny it anymore. I still love her. Also my ex seems happy with her new bf but.. I know he cant be better than i was to her... None of them were. Its crazy but thats how i think. Theres nobody who loves her as much as i do. I am not suicidal anymore or depressed. It was a hard part of my life and i have worked through it. But now i am becoming something new and better. But the o ly thing i feel is missjng everyday. Every minute is her. I could learn to live without her. It would never be what i want but if it was a perfect world. I would want her to be mine. What do i do.. Thank you for reading this storm of a story.

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You have created a fantasy about a girl you dated in High School. Get some help as this is coming across as rather unbalanced.

 

And end it with your girlfriend as you don't really love her. Give her the chance to find someone that does.

 

Seriously, get counseling.

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You are repeatedly choosing to ruin your life and ascribe it to this unrequited teenage love. When in fact you have ongoing psychiatric and substance abuse problems. When those are properly treated/addressed you will feel better and move on to find realistic and reciprocated love.

Nobody will ever compare to my ex. It will probably ruin my current relationship
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You are repeatedly choosing to ruin your life and ascribe it to this unrequited teenage love. When in fact you have ongoing psychiatric and substance abuse problems. When those are properly treated/addressed you will feel better and move on to find realistic and reciprocated love.

No. Youre all getting the wrong idea. All of those problems were when i was age 16-19 im almost 22. This is something i am still struggling with. Not depression or suicidal thoughts. That was something i overcame. I dont take meds and i am very hard. Working and successful. But i chose to include those facts because it was a tough part of my childhood. The feelings for her were too strong for the maturity i was at that time in my life. Im struggling with fact i still see her in everything i do. And i dont know if it is something i should retry because of my new found control of myself. I love my girlfriend. Logically. I would choose her over my ex. And i have. But what do i do about this feeling i get from my ex. I think about her far too much to just do nothing. I really just want to make the most of my life. I can live without her. But what i cant live without is wondering 50 years later if i made a wrong choice by neglecting these feelings.

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You have created a fantasy about a girl you dated in High School. Get some help as this is coming across as rather unbalanced.

 

And end it with your girlfriend as you don't really love her. Give her the chance to find someone that does.

 

Seriously, get counseling.

You dont understand. We both had alot of trouble with mental illness when we were younger. Idk if she is still like this. She might be different. I struggled when i was younger more than some others. I still deserve a fair answer. Please help me with this. I love my current girlfriend really. But strong feelings still linger from my ex. That doesnt mean i dont love my current girlfriend. Please read my other comments to wise man. They may shed a little more light.

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But what i cant live without is wondering 50 years later if i made a wrong choice by neglecting these feelings.

 

If you feel this way then no, you're not really in love with your current girlfriend. She's your fallback position. She's not the one you really want but she's the one you have. That's kinda pitiful for her. I'm sure she'd leave if she knew she was a consolation prize.

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This sounds like it's more about the present than the past. Why? because when are lives are together and good we don't ruminate or obsess about what shoulda coulda been

But what i cant live without is wondering 50 years later if i made a wrong choice by neglecting these feelings.
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If you feel this way then no, you're not really in love with your current girlfriend. She's your fallback position. She's not the one you really want but she's the one you have. That's kinda pitiful for her. I'm sure she'd leave if she knew she was a consolation prize.

You may be right. But i do love her. These are complex feelings. Im struggling with. But im not the only person who has had the (one who got away syndrome) please dont be judgemental of this. This so complex. Not cut and dry. Love is complex. Maybe i am still in love with my ex. But i love my girlfriend now too. But that love i had for my ex. Is still there. And its strong. What should i do. Ignore this. Or act. I reposted. Its a little different if you want to look at it. I really do appreciate the councils

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This sounds like it's more about the present than the past. Why? because when are lives are together and good we don't ruminate or obsess about what shoulda coulda been

So are you saying i should move on. Because i dont know if she has or not. Ive heard that she hasnt completely moved on either fron some close friends. My mind still contemplates it everyday. And i have to suppress it because i do love my girlfriend. I cant choose both. I wouldnt. I dont know what im feeling. Torn. Confused. Unsure. Im not looking to break hearts. I have never been about that kind of lifeatyle.. What should be my course of action.

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You sound obsessed. That's not love and it's not heathy. I suggest you get into therapy asap.

Im not obsessed. If i were to confront her right now and ask her. And she told me she did not feel the same. I would continue my life. I reposted. It clarifies some misunderstandings at the end. I did have a problem that youre describing. But that was years ago. I was young. And unable to control the emotions i was experiencing at the time. Im not perfect. But they have made me a better person. . but thank you for the input. I really do appreciate any. And i did get help when i was 17-18.

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When did you last actually see her/speak to her?

I spoke to her 2 years ago. My friends have come in contact with her after and they told me once about how she mentioned she would want to maybe try again when we were older. I think she said when she was 25.. Which threw me off.. Its kind of what started these feelings coming back. We made promises to eachother that if something ever happened where we broke up we would find eachother again... I didnt believe it until i heard that she said that to my friend.

 

He was trying to get with her and she said no and replied with how she doesnt want to because he was my friend and told him that was why..

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You may be right. But i do love her. These are complex feelings. Im struggling with. But im not the only person who has had the (one who got away syndrome) please dont be judgemental of this. This so complex. Not cut and dry. Love is complex. Maybe i am still in love with my ex. But i love my girlfriend now too. But that love i had for my ex. Is still there. And its strong. What should i do. Ignore this. Or act. I reposted. Its a little different if you want to look at it. I really do appreciate the councils

 

I don't think you get it. If your fantasy high school girlfriend told you she loved you and wanted to make a life with you, you'd drop your current girlfriend in a flash.

 

For the last time that's not love. That's using someone as a placeholder. She's just there to fill a space because you can't be with the one you want.

 

I say this not to be mean but you really need counseling. I am not a psychologist but these issues seem deeply seated and seem like they'd need to be explored professionally.

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This is so incredibly unfair to your current girlfriend. If you truly care for her, AT ALL, please end things with her and get yourself sorted out. Getting involved with someone when you are not fully over your ex (however long it has been!) is a very selfish thing to do. If you want to spend your life pining over your ex.... well, it's your life and that's your choice. But you do not have the right to play with someone else's emotions along the way. Your girlfriend deserves better than being second best to a memory.

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You're doing a disservice to your current girlfriend by stringing her along as your second choice. She deserves someone that'll put her first forever - not just when it suits them, and only when an ex isn't in the picture.

 

Sometimes we love someone so completely that it swamps every other love we can be receptive to. But the relationship ended for a reason, and you were a very toxic person during and after it. She had a lot of problems she was dealing with, too. Perhaps you were each other's crutch during this time, and the experience made each of you better people in the end - because you had to go through a lot to get to where you are today.

 

I think trying to go back into that situation would be very detrimental for you. You're not the same person you used to be. Not to mention, she isn't even single. She's with someone else now. You're being very selfish when considering telling her how you think you feel. No one benefits from this but you. And even then, you don't even know that it'll be a good thing.

 

I highly recommend that you break it off with your current girlfriend, leave your ex alone, and be single for some time. Do you even know who you are single?

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ou and your ex together was a toxic combination. You went on a downward spiral. Did you start going out with your girlfriend after you were sober? If you argue a lot and all you think of is your ex who you have on a pedestal, even though she was the worst thing for you, I suggest that you break up and you attend AA like clockwork, you continue with your sobriety and you also seek counseling. You are obsessed. And are you under a doctors/mental health professionals' care right now?

 

Think about it - if you care about your ex, why ruin her life? What is she supposed to do with that confession? She is seeing someone else. It will upset her at best and you will get a restraining order at worst.

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I don't think you get it. If your fantasy high school girlfriend told you she loved you and wanted to make a life with you, you'd drop your current girlfriend in a flash.

 

For the last time that's not love. That's using someone as a placeholder. She's just there to fill a space because you can't be with the one you want.

 

I say this not to be mean but you really need counseling. I am not a psychologist but these issues seem deeply seated and seem like they'd need to be explored professionally.

I understand what youre saying. What ypu say holds some truth. I dont know what i would do if she told me that. Because i love my girlfriend. She has showed me a different kind of love than my ex did. Something she lacked. It was what i always wanted from her. When i started this relationship, she seemed better than my ex in everyway. But as time has passed. I realize there is still a hole. Idk if it is something that will go away. But it is there. I love her in different ways. And always will im guessing. But my mind and heart seem to be fixated on my ex. I cant hurt my girlfriend farther down the line. Should i tell her i have doubts ?

And maybe i do need more help. But i know my intentions are pure. I dont believe in medicating myself to forget a loved one. She isnt a fantasy. She is part of my life. A large part. Maybe i put a disney view on the whole thing but.. Thats just how i have always thought of her. I want the best for me. Her. And my girlfriend. Which ever way i realize is the true way i feel.

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I spoke to her 2 years ago. My friends have come in contact with her after and they told me once about how she mentioned she would want to maybe try again when we were older. I think she said when she was 25.. Which threw me off.. Its kind of what started these feelings coming back. We made promises to eachother that if something ever happened where we broke up we would find eachother again... I didnt believe it until i heard that she said that to my friend.

 

He was trying to get with her and she said no and replied with how she doesnt want to because he was my friend and told him that was why..

 

If she hasn't made contact in 2 years....she is NOT interested. And sometimes friends tell you what they think you want to hear - ie, they ask her leading questions and take what she says out of context and reports back a half truth. If she really wanted to try again - she would have contacted you and told you she wished she weren't in a relationship or if not, would have sent you breadcrumbs - meaningless "how are ya" texts just to make sure she occasionally was able to keep tabs on your wherabouts. And because her FRIEND is seeing you - that sort of puts the nail on the coffin. I would never steal someone from a friend and i would never go back to someone a friend is with.

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you should contact her directly to confirm your feelings and hers. You both may be quite different now. Is she on FB, what does she look like now? Is she with someone?

She is on FB im pretty sure.. But im not anymore. She may be different. She is with a japanese guy. And is staying with him in japan... Thats what i heard from a friend. And they showed me a picture of them. He was a fan of her model page i guess. And she wanted to meet him. Tbats what i was told atleast.. And she might be happier that way. Idk.

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I understand what youre saying. What ypu say holds some truth. I dont know what i would do if she told me that. Because i love my girlfriend. She has showed me a different kind of love than my ex did. Something she lacked. It was what i always wanted from her. When i started this relationship, she seemed better than my ex in everyway. But as time has passed. I realize there is still a hole. Idk if it is something that will go away. But it is there. I love her in different ways. And always will im guessing. But my mind and heart seem to be fixated on my ex. I cant hurt my girlfriend farther down the line. Should i tell her i have doubts ?

And maybe i do need more help. But i know my intentions are pure. I dont believe in medicating myself to forget a loved one. She isnt a fantasy. She is part of my life. A large part. Maybe i put a disney view on the whole thing but.. Thats just how i have always thought of her. I want the best for me. Her. And my girlfriend. Which ever way i realize is the true way i feel.

 

Yes, you should come clean to your girlfriend about your doubts. It will likely end the relationship but it's the right thing to do. It takes courage to do that as it will hurt both you and her but it's still the right thing to do.

 

And yes, you should get counseling. And you must be unfamiliar with counseling if you think they'll medicate your memories away. Doesn't work that way.

 

It's telling that you say "She isnt a fantasy. She is part of my life. A large part." Because that really should have been in the past tense.

 

I sincerely wish you luck with this obsession. I hope you get clear of it. It seems to have taken over your life.

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why do you say you can't tell your girlfriend because she will be crushed? according to you, you love her. who is crushed by the news they are so splendidly loved?

 

if you can't tell her the truth, it's because the truth doesn't make you look good and because you would no longer have "a safer option" (that is literally how you described your girlfriend) in case your ex has yet another new boyfriend the minute she's back from japan.

 

truth. what's that again?

1. you haven't stopped thinking about your ex since the break up

2.you couldn't touch your girlfriend without an artificial erection because she isn't your ex

3. you are still having problems because she isn't your ex

4.you have decided noone will ever compare to your ex

5.you will try again with your ex when she gets back from japan

6. and you are still stringing your girlfriend along so to chain-date one after the other.

 

 

if this form of love is indeed love then you should have no issue telling your girlfriend "hey babe, when i say i love you, i mean : insert 1-6."

 

but who the heck cares that all of this is incredibly unfair, disrespectful and manipulative to your girlfriend and will damage her for years to come. as long as you have someone t replace the one who cannot be replacd until that one is back. the lacanian search for the ever elusive "Thing" never took a form so selfish.

 

and yes, you have ongoing psychological disturbance since the day you fell for your ex, and the disturbance is addiction. you were addicted to her, then replaced that with adictive self-harm, then substance abuse, then to addiction to relationships and all the while remained addicted to the excitement that went with idealizing her and the relationship with her.

 

the meta disturbance where your body doesn't allow you intimacy with your girlfriend is called inhibition pure and simple. while it feels compulsive- it isn't. it's chosen. because it serves a purpose. the purpose is to prevent the ego to act against the morals of the super-ego. the moral objection being "thou shalt not eff 1 while wanting to eff 2, because it is unfair however much you rationalize your dishonesty".

 

disturbance doesn't come from circumstance, allthough we all think it does. it comes from the inability to bridge the gap between me and Me, to act in accordance with the healthy adult mode.

 

but yeah, we're just strangers on the web, not psychiatrists. you'd benefit far more from an actual professional. my point is, people are right, your behavior isn't healthy or fair and you seem to not want any insight into that.

 

you could dump your poor girlfriend and return to therapy- and i think you should. but i guess we all get that you won't.

 

 

reading this, i sound so beotchy. i apologize. i'm having a hard time not geting upset when someone is clearly using other people to avoid facing an unhealthy pattern. your girlfriend is in no way benefiting from this relationship. and she'll need the number to whatever center of clinical psychology you seek help at because you are scarring her seriously.

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