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Can you tell me how to love myself and walk away?


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I put up with months of lies and put downs from this guy. Then discovered he has cheated. I was going through my own issues at the time and instead of supporting me he just cheated. Did not even tell me, his sister did. I loved him so much I would have forgive him so I did it back. I slept with two guys to ensure he would not take me back and being the hypocritical jerk that he is, he called me a sl** and did not. We initiated contact again and started talking and seeing one another while still having major arguments and trust issues. One day he will be nice and say he loves me the next he will put me down, break me, exploit my weaknesses and say that he will never be with someone like me.

He is so hurtful that I loose myself and fall into a deep depression where I want to hurt myself. I become miserable and negative.

 

When I walk away he comes back and becomes nice and loving. Then few days later just starts the emotional abuse again. I think my issue is that I do not value or love myself. I am afraid to be alone so I cannot let go of this monster. I know I deserve better but why can't I just leave.

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@Chorichori, I think we as humans are all afraid to be alone in way or other. It's how he act out our fear. My anxiety of being alone was so high when I was younger. I went from one relationship to another to the point where I became numb of how I even felt anymore. The last guy that broke my heart, was doing the same thing to me as what you were going through. I was really emotionally drained so I decided to take matters into my own hands. The first thing I did was, block and delete all my contact of the person. Including common friends. Then I've taken that time to let myself feel all the anger, sadness, jealously...etc. After a loss or a breakup, everyone will have these feelings surface, the trick is to let them pass, and they will! You just have to suck it up and suffer through it and let yourself feel all those feelings without using any void such as drugs and alcohol. Working out or exercising helps! Then for the next few months, for every Friday and Saturday night, I choose to be alone (those were the worst days for me to be alone before) The first few weeks, it suck, it sucks so bad, but as time goes, I actually like spending time with myself, doing things I love to do, drama free.

 

I suggest you going to see a therapist, to talk out your problems. Try spending time with yourself. Pick days that you find is the hardest for you to be alone. Mine was Friday and Saturday. After a few weeks of doing that, I realized that if I could be alone for Friday and Saturday night, I'm actually not afraid to be lonely as I thought. First you have to go no contact, this guy is a red flag! You don't want to let him to keep abusing you emotionally like this. Then try what I suggested, it sure feels good once you are able to love yourself. My anxieties towards being lonely is actually pretty low right now. Sure, at times I still feel bored and wished I could go out but it's not the end of the world like it used to be. All the best to you.

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@Chorichori, I think we as humans are all afraid to be alone in way or other. It's how he act out our fear. My anxiety of being alone was so high when I was younger. I went from one relationship to another to the point where I became numb of how I even felt anymore. The last guy that broke my heart, was doing the same thing to me as what you were going through. I was really emotionally drained so I decided to take matters into my own hands. The first thing I did was, block and delete all my contact of the person. Including common friends. Then I've taken that time to let myself feel all the anger, sadness, jealously...etc. After a loss or a breakup, everyone will have these feelings surface, the trick is to let them pass, and they will! You just have to suck it up and suffer through it and let yourself feel all those feelings without using any void such as drugs and alcohol. Working out or exercising helps! Then for the next few months, for every Friday and Saturday night, I choose to be alone (those were the worst days for me to be alone before) The first few weeks, it suck, it sucks so bad, but as time goes, I actually like spending time with myself, doing things I love to do, drama free.

 

I suggest you going to see a therapist, to talk out your problems. Try spending time with yourself. Pick days that you find is the hardest for you to be alone. Mine was Friday and Saturday. After a few weeks of doing that, I realized that if I could be alone for Friday and Saturday night, I'm actually not afraid to be lonely as I thought. First you have to go no contact, this guy is a red flag! You don't want to let him to keep abusing you emotionally like this. Then try what I suggested, it sure feels good once you are able to love yourself. My anxieties towards being lonely is actually pretty low right now. Sure, at times I still feel bored and wished I could go out but it's not the end of the world like it used to be. All the best to you.

 

That is exactly me. I go from one relationship to the next and honestly I have never been happy in any one of my relationships.

Its funny you mentioned it I am actually feeling extreme feelings of jealousy towards my ex. Something I have never felt before and its such a negative emotion that I want it gone.

 

When you picked Friday and Saturday to be alone days did you also turn your phone off and not talk to people? I have started to spend days alone but am constantly on my phone.

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Yes, I did turn my phone off. No Social Media as well. Just for a few hours. The hours that I would normally MUST go out with just anybody just to fill the void. I also had tendencies to texts everyone and anyone that I could reach during those hours to make plans to do whatever it is (even if I don't like it) So turning off my phone was a must. I needed to be able to spend time to myself and focus the attention on myself. The day, I knew I was starting to feel fine alone, I went and bought myself an ice cream. I could never forget that moment, it felt so good. I drove to this dock and just parked my car and enjoyed the scenery and that was the best ice cream I've every had. You could do it too, just stay strong. Just keep telling yourself, you must do this for yourself! The ironic thing is, when you start to feel comfortable being alone, more mentally and emotionally stable. I kid you not, the right person will walk into your life. That's why there is a saying, "the right person comes when you least expected to"

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You have such a hard time with breaking up, don't you? We all do, it sucks.

I think I know how this works, you are full of pain, sorrow, regret, self loathing. You want someone to help you understand what you are feeling and what you should do, so you look every where for some kind of story like your own, and you see some that seem similar, but it's not the same. So you finally decide to tell your story, hoping something will be different - someone will give you some magic words to take away the pain that you put yourself into, knowing what is the real problem the whole time.

Why it's almost like you answered your own question.

You are stuck though, this pain gives you something to be, to do.

So here's a couple of words and phrases to look up, trauma bonding, stockholm syndrome, codependancy, gaslighting, sociopathic abuse, abusive relationship, I'm saying this because you need to get educated on what you do to yourself, and then learning to love yourself comes way down the road after you figure out you want to protect yourself and feel ready to do that by distancing yourself from toxic people and relationships.

You are just spinning your wheels hoping for a different answer, so start looking and understanding, it will take work and the willingness to end self destructive stuff you're in.

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You have such a hard time with breaking up, don't you? We all do, it sucks.

I think I know how this works, you are full of pain, sorrow, regret, self loathing. You want someone to help you understand what you are feeling and what you should do, so you look every where for some kind of story like your own, and you see some that seem similar, but it's not the same. So you finally decide to tell your story, hoping something will be different - someone will give you some magic words to take away the pain that you put yourself into, knowing what is the real problem the whole time.

Why it's almost like you answered your own question.

You are stuck though, this pain gives you something to be, to do.

So here's a couple of words and phrases to look up, trauma bonding, stockholm syndrome, codependancy, gaslighting, sociopathic abuse, abusive relationship, I'm saying this because you need to get educated on what you do to yourself, and then learning to love yourself comes way down the road after you figure out you want to protect yourself and feel ready to do that by distancing yourself from toxic people and relationships.

You are just spinning your wheels hoping for a different answer, so start looking and understanding, it will take work and the willingness to end self destructive stuff you're in.

 

 

I disagree with you. I am not looking for a different answer I am looking for support from people who can relate to my experience. Whom can guide me to a positive direction. Posting on such forums allows people to give insight into their relationships and how they moved on. Remember not every person is the same. In addition the feeling of encouragement and kind words directed from people helps immensely as well.

 

I am pretty sure i already made the decision to protect myself by asking this question. And i disagree that I have to 'wait' to love myself.

You sound pretty negative and seem like you are putting me down. When i am just seeking some guidance.

 

But anyhow Thanks for your opinion.

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I guess choricchori can become confused with the - "he comes back nice n loving " part. She might be thinking, he must have love me and that's why he is nice to me to have come back.

My advice is, just look at his action n commitment. If he has yet to commit means he is just bidding his time until something better comes n treat you as a backup

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I think OP is doing the right thing, she is realizing the issue is with her. That's why she has poor choices on whom she dates. I believe that is why she is reaching out to others. To get an idea on how to start helping herself. I guess she just wants examples from people whom has been through something similar and hopefully she could learn from them. I myself have been once like her and the confusion I went through was horrible. I just keep repeating the the mistakes over and over again. At the time I wished there was such forums as ENA. I would have probably did the same thing and reach out. It's a horrible feeling when you feel hopeless, it's also emotionally draining. I hope you will be able to get some insight on here.

 

"First step to recovery is to realize you have a problem!" Good for you @Chorichori, for realizing it! It's your first step. Believe me, these things require lots of little steps but you will get there. The hardest is always the first step, which is realizing it!

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Yes, I did turn my phone off. No Social Media as well. Just for a few hours. The hours that I would normally MUST go out with just anybody just to fill the void. I also had tendencies to texts everyone and anyone that I could reach during those hours to make plans to do whatever it is (even if I don't like it) So turning off my phone was a must. I needed to be able to spend time to myself and focus the attention on myself. The day, I knew I was starting to feel fine alone, I went and bought myself an ice cream. I could never forget that moment, it felt so good. I drove to this dock and just parked my car and enjoyed the scenery and that was the best ice cream I've every had. You could do it too, just stay strong. Just keep telling yourself, you must do this for yourself! The ironic thing is, when you start to feel comfortable being alone, more mentally and emotionally stable. I kid you not, the right person will walk into your life. That's why there is a saying, "the right person comes when you least expected to"

 

Does spending time with yourself truly make you emotionally stronger?

I realized that I give all my attention and care to this guy and not myself. I have not focused on myself at all. Which is why I still have some issues in my life unresolved. For example I would make sure he goes to the doctor for a check up but will not care if I have a health issue that needs addressing.

 

Also did you have ever the experience where the guy made you feel guilty? As if you had to help him or talk to him when he needed you to because you owed him

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I guess choricchori can become confused with the - "he comes back nice n loving " part. She might be thinking, he must have love me and that's why he is nice to me to have come back.

My advice is, just look at his action n commitment. If he has yet to commit means he is just bidding his time until something better comes n treat you as a backup

 

This is definitely something that stuck. Thank you

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I think OP is doing the right thing, she is realizing the issue is with her. That's why she has poor choices on whom she dates. I believe that is why she is reaching out to others. To get an idea on how to start helping herself. I guess she just wants examples from people whom has been through something similar and hopefully she could learn from them. I myself have been once like her and the confusion I went through was horrible. I just keep repeating the the mistakes over and over again. At the time I wished there was such forums as ENA. I would have probably did the same thing and reach out. It's a horrible feeling when you feel hopeless, it's also emotionally draining. I hope you will be able to get some insight on here.

 

"First step to recovery is to realize you have a problem!" Good for you @Chorichori, for realizing it! It's your first step. Believe me, these things require lots of little steps but you will get there. The hardest is always the first step, which is realizing it!

 

 

You mentioned that you also went through something similar. How were you able to break the cycle? The fear of letting go?

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Does spending time with yourself truly make you emotionally stronger?

 

Yes, if you spend it with that goal in mind, and you take steps to build yourself UP instead of ruminating about an ex. Move your focus onto your interests, your career, old friends and family you've neglected and on making new friends.

 

The goal is not to live in a way that your only focus is on finding another lover or worse, playing friendzies with an ex. The goal is to learn ways to grow into yourself and clear out the stagnation from making someone else your world.

 

When you can build a life that is contented and peaceful, yet balanced by some times of excitement in learning new things and meeting new people, you'll have a stronger foundation for seeking a healthy lover rather than falling into old habits of finding someone needy to distract yourself with.

 

Also did you have ever the experience where the guy made you feel guilty? As if you had to help him or talk to him when he needed you to because you owed him

 

Manipulating guilt is the MO of a needy person, but you get to decide whether to cater to that. Catering is what got you into trouble in the first place, and if you've noticed, it never alleviates any guilt--there's always more of it designed to keep you trapped.

 

So skip that. We all need to adopt the role of 'bad guy' to get out of a bad relationship. We just need to suck that up and move forward.

 

You'll thank yourself later.

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How were you able to break the cycle? The fear of letting go?

 

Identify exactly what you're afraid of. Write down those things, then review them through your best problem-solving lens. You'll find that most of those fears are manageable challenges if you break them down into resolvable parts instead of glomming them into one giant abstraction that keeps you paralyzed.

 

Another list: write down all of the thing this guy brings to the table. It will be a pretty short list. Then consider ways that you can bring those things to your Self.

 

Breaking things down into manageable parts is the best way to recognize that fear is self generated--so it can also be self managed.

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This is definitely something that stuck. Thank you

 

You are welcome. You have gave him so many chances and he always managed to come back to you when you are thinking of giving up on him . He is just doing the bare minimum to keep you as a backup.

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Simple advice. Keep telling yourself and know in your heart. You DONT deserve to be treated like that. Look at all the good things in your life and you'll feel a spark of co contentment. The right person will come along one day and this will all be so far behind you, you wont even acknowledge it. We all go through these things and I doesn't kill you.

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Simple advice. Keep telling yourself and know in your heart. You DONT deserve to be treated like that. Look at all the good things in your life and you'll feel a spark of co contentment. The right person will come along one day and this will all be so far behind you, you wont even acknowledge it. We all go through these things and I doesn't kill you.

 

Worst part is that I know that but I do not let go. I have the idea that I'll keep him around but the moment I find Mr. Right I will let him go in a second.

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Identify exactly what you're afraid of. Write down those things, then review them through your best problem-solving lens. You'll find that most of those fears are manageable challenges if you break them down into resolvable parts instead of glomming them into one giant abstraction that keeps you paralyzed.

 

Another list: write down all of the thing this guy brings to the table. It will be a pretty short list. Then consider ways that you can bring those things to your Self.

 

Breaking things down into manageable parts is the best way to recognize that fear is self generated--so it can also be self managed.

 

This is pretty great

Thank you

Def trying this RIGHT NOW

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Worst part is that I know that but I do not let go. I have the idea that I'll keep him around but the moment I find Mr. Right I will let him go in a second.

 

Consider all the reasons this makes no sense. Keeping someone around is 'using' them, and that's wrong not just morally, but psychologically. There is nothing someone else can give you that you cannot give to your Self. Being too fearful to learn self sufficiency is not only a lousy excuse, it just keeps you trapped in an abstract fear that only serves infants, not a fully grown and capable adult.

 

So unless you overcome that fear, you'll trap yourself in a cycle of 'using' people rather than loving them, and in turn you'll allow yourself to 'used' as well.

 

If that's not a lousy enough way to live, it snuffs out all potential to find Mr. Right, because no right-minded person would be interested in anyone who's needy and dependant and manipulative enough to trap herself in a cycle of using people.

 

If you live in the fantasy that someone will come along and 'rescue' you, then consider what self-respecting guy would mess with a woman who's involved with someone else in any way, shape or form, much less one who's still hung up on her ex?

 

Sure, it's uncomfortable to hunker down and do the work of learning self sufficiency. That's where faith in yourself comes in, and that's the building block to all else. Building a comfort in flying solo is the foundation for anything 'good' with anyone who's worthy. Otherwise, you'll attract only jerks and predators. Have you noticed?

 

Head high.

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Consider all the reasons this makes no sense. Keeping someone around is 'using' them, and that's wrong not just morally, but psychologically. There is nothing someone else can give you that you cannot give to your Self. Being too fearful to learn self sufficiency is not only a lousy excuse, it just keeps you trapped in an abstract fear that only serves infants, not a fully grown and capable adult.

 

So unless you overcome that fear, you'll trap yourself in a cycle of 'using' people rather than loving them, and in turn you'll allow yourself to 'used' as well.

 

If that's not a lousy enough way to live, it snuffs out all potential to find Mr. Right, because no right-minded person would be interested in anyone who's needy and dependant and manipulative enough to trap herself in a cycle of using people.

 

If you live in the fantasy that someone will come along and 'rescue' you, then consider what self-respecting guy would mess with a woman who's involved with someone else in any way, shape or form, much less one who's still hung up on her ex?

 

Sure, it's uncomfortable to hunker down and do the work of learning self sufficiency. That's where faith in yourself comes in, and that's the building block to all else. Building a comfort in flying solo is the foundation for anything 'good' with anyone who's worthy. Otherwise, you'll attract only jerks and predators. Have you noticed?

 

Head high.

 

Thank you. I realized that my ex also has this fear of being alone so we both feed off one another. He would praise how important it was to go out, party, have a ton of friends etc even called me a loser for now having a bigger social circle or going out. Made it seem it was necessary. Since then I always panic when I am alone or when I see him out with people. I start to get scared.

 

I agree with what you are saying. I compare my life to his so much. I focus on him and not myself. That he is out with his friends hurts me when in reality partying and drinking are things I do not even enjoy. But I feel as if I have to do it and enjoy it to make myself feel happy and content. He would say it a part of his lifestyle that Its vital because we are young.

Not sure if I'm making sense right now.

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I reread all your comments daily.

I do hope I can keep away and get rid of this toxic attachment i have to this person. The no contact gets hard because my mind starts to wander or I fear I have lost him and want to get in touch again.

It seems impossible and it is painful. Just hope it gets easier and eventually I'll get better.

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  • 4 months later...
Yes, I did turn my phone off. No Social Media as well. Just for a few hours. The hours that I would normally MUST go out with just anybody just to fill the void. I also had tendencies to texts everyone and anyone that I could reach during those hours to make plans to do whatever it is (even if I don't like it) So turning off my phone was a must. I needed to be able to spend time to myself and focus the attention on myself. The day, I knew I was starting to feel fine alone, I went and bought myself an ice cream. I could never forget that moment, it felt so good. I drove to this dock and just parked my car and enjoyed the scenery and that was the best ice cream I've every had. You could do it too, just stay strong. Just keep telling yourself, you must do this for yourself! The ironic thing is, when you start to feel comfortable being alone, more mentally and emotionally stable. I kid you not, the right person will walk into your life. That's why there is a saying, "the right person comes when you least expected to"

 

I was rereading your posts again. I am trying to do this now. My biggest issue is always texting people and then having to deal with the pain that arises being alone. How did you get past it all?

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toxic relationships can be very hard to leave, because they hurt you so much but there is so much confusion, you can be looped into 'they hurt me, but they said they care, this makes no sense so i need them to make it right' so sometimes you go back over and over trying to get the answer you want...but never do, so you become more fragile, and keep trying.

 

you have to recognise this, read about codependent relationships, about stockholm syndrome... you are not alone, or stupid, or weak, this is a human reaction.

 

once you read about these and can learn more about yourself, it will take the problem away from this 'relationship' and will make it less personal. youll realise that this has become a pattern, a learned response and that to make things different you are gong to need to learn another way, otherwise you will continue to experience the same pain, day in, day out.

 

think about what you are fighting for, what do you want? how does doing this make you feel? how does the relationship make you feel? make lists, what was good, what was bad.... be honest... put the list somewhere you can read it every day, i guarentee you that the bad list willbe longer if you are honest, and i know this from reading the very first post.

 

ive been in cheating, lying, abusive, distant relationships, and the only person that can fix this is you. im on a journey to love myself too so i dont keep making the same mistakes, step one... stop doing what your doing, theres a saying 'if you always do what youve always done, youll always get what youve always got', so stop.

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toxic relationships can be very hard to leave, because they hurt you so much but there is so much confusion, you can be looped into 'they hurt me, but they said they care, this makes no sense so i need them to make it right' so sometimes you go back over and over trying to get the answer you want...but never do, so you become more fragile, and keep trying.

 

you have to recognise this, read about codependent relationships, about stockholm syndrome... you are not alone, or stupid, or weak, this is a human reaction.

 

once you read about these and can learn more about yourself, it will take the problem away from this 'relationship' and will make it less personal. youll realise that this has become a pattern, a learned response and that to make things different you are gong to need to learn another way, otherwise you will continue to experience the same pain, day in, day out.

 

think about what you are fighting for, what do you want? how does doing this make you feel? how does the relationship make you feel? make lists, what was good, what was bad.... be honest... put the list somewhere you can read it every day, i guarentee you that the bad list willbe longer if you are honest, and i know this from reading the very first post.

 

ive been in cheating, lying, abusive, distant relationships, and the only person that can fix this is you. im on a journey to love myself too so i dont keep making the same mistakes, step one... stop doing what your doing, theres a saying 'if you always do what youve always done, youll always get what youve always got', so stop.

 

Thank you. Yes I definitely feel that way. I go back because I say 'but he said he loved me a few days ago why is he doing this now?' Then I start to feel as if I did something wrong and just keep chasing him and pushing him to return. I become desperate and even start begging.

I'm glad you can relate. It is very difficult and painful to just cut contact and walk away and to answer the question 'why do you go back' when others ask. But I do hope to finally let go and better myself.

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