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Advice


Clinton

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Everyone thinks their story is unique. I think that's a hard thing to overcome. It's hard to listen to or see peoples' points when you feel like no one has every felt the way you do right now. Surely there can't be a common theme or pattern to the very unique love you're experiencing, right? It's not that your love wasn't unique, it's that people often uncouple in fairly similar ways.

 

I think a lot of willingness to take advice comes from experience. After a few big break-ups, I think most folks know what to do. That's what it's been like for me coming back this time. The advice is actually pretty simple, regardless of the circumstances. Read my posts and you'll see how I've changed over the past 10 years through 3 break-ups. You do really adjust and learn from your mistakes. It's so easy when you're in the thick of things to believe that every small thing is some sign or that you should be dissected every letter to figure out the meaning of a text like "hi."

 

Ultimately, I think the result is typically the same regardless of the advice. Whether you beg and pine or disappear from day 1, life goes on. This stuff is forgotten. It ends up being a drop in the bucket whether you end up a total mess or take the high road during a break up. I think that's often what the people that come here want...that maybe if they throw their story into the universe that time will stop flowing and life will stop moving on without them.

 

For all you new people, go out and do what you feel is right and learn from it. We'll be here at all steps of the process.

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The offering of advice isn't futile though.

 

On the other side of the mistake someone's about to make, I like to believe that advice offered, even though effectively ignored in practice, sinks in and leads to deeper future insight.

 

That is to say, people are rendered blind by their circumstances, but once they've come through those circumstances, however horrible, they look back and realize that they could have avoided it and it drives them to understand similar situations in the future with more clarity than they had this time.

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I'm REALLY close to just asking her, "Hey, so...do you just want to vent? If so, that's fine; I just need to know whether or not you actually want advice, because you ask for it but then seem very resistant to taking any of it."

 

This made me laugh and remember my ex in a good way. He is/was an excellent communicator, and was well aware of the differences in men and women. Women often want to vent, and receive validation and support for what they are feeling. Men typically want to problem solve. So if I started talking about something that was upsetting me, sometimes he'd stop me and say, "Wait, are we having a chick conversation, or a dude conversation?? I just want to be able to give you what you need."

 

Aww. hehe Thanks for that good memory. I sure do miss him....

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I guess I'm just an optimist but I do believe that more people take the advice on board than not. It's just that we are all human and it does take time, arguing, questioning, defending, denial, more questioning, more arguing and debating, thinking, internalizing, processing, time....more time....even more time....before we finally act on it. That applies even if the advice we are seeking, we already know deep down is true and is merely validation of what we've already decided on.

 

At any rate, I throw advice out there and if it sticks, great and if not, oh well. It's just advice, an opinion and everyone is free to take it or leave it as it works for them. When you start to expect for people to take your advice and act on it, you've stopped offering advice and started dictating how people should live their lives. Not good.

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Sometimes it's not always advise that is needed. I posted a vent and a certain comment gave me food for thought. I took that chance and ended up with the best possible outcome. Outside of that..... I think even if someone puts an incredible amount of detail in a post there is no replacement for the personal experience and the advice given can be on point or way off. Everyone needs to learn in their own time. Post here and get comments but hold off on decisions until they finally get it. Lessons are hard to learn if you haven't been there before.

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I try to remember that even though the poster may or may not take my advice, there are countless other silent readers, who don't post, who may find something helpful in my reply. If it helps even one person, it's worth it. I also find posting replies is cathartic for my own pain and struggles, so there is value in that too.

 

I registered to reply to this thread as my way of saying thankyou to the many many posters giving advice.

 

I am one of the 'silent readers' and have actually been here on and off for many years.

 

Your advice has helped me through..

 

deciding to divorce

 

dealing with the fallout

 

helping me improve communication with ex plus future dating prospects

 

helping me recognise how i deserved more than having a fwb

 

what to say when ending fwb

 

gaining confidence in seeking therapy

 

and the list goes on..

 

I have spent countless hours and hours reading threads and it has helped me feel less alone. I'm not quite as good at giving advice to others so haven't registered and am happy to read.

 

Please keep posting advice everyone!..I am sure I'm not the only one reading and gaining knowledge about relationships.

 

Thankyou from the bottom of my heart

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One of the most important things I have learned since being on this fabulous forum is the importance of breaking off all contact from your ex. I can't emphasize enough how important this advice was to me. I would have tortured myself had I not had access to the experts here.

 

OP, I agree with your sentiment. I think some people just want to hear "yes of course you'll be back together" and try to read that into the replies they get.

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Dear ozsarah and fellow ENA folk,

 

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for telling us what you have gained as a silent reader on ENA. It makes all the hours of thinking, writing, editing, and worrying feel worth it!

 

I am by no means a silent reader (haha), but I have never started a thread to ask for advice. Instead, I have read advice every day since joining ENA 9 months ago, and it has helped me see so much about myself and my relationships. I too have asked myself, "Could I post this on ENA without shame?" Such a question has prevented me from a number of stupid mistakes.

 

I have grown immeasurably from the wonderful insights and experience of others, and I have significantly healed in a number of areas.

 

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to write here, and especially thank you to those of you who deliver this advice with humility and gentleness. I have grown to love so many of you out there!

 

Youareworthy

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I have been on this forum for years, though I use it selfishly only when I'm going through an issue. I made a ton of mistakes during my first big break up, and was able to learn from the people here how to walk away with dignity that I was able to implement in my next (and current) big break up.

 

Many times I have posted here and gotten answers I did not like. Many times I tried to ignore them. But almost every time, they were right and I am thankful for those who posted and have advice from an outside perspective. I've learned what I deserve in a relationship from reading posts here and I will continue to do so in hopes of growing for my next one!

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