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My Girlfriend is Asexual


equinox

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Hi everyone,

 

For the last few months, my girlfriend and I have been suffering from some relationship issues even though I do love her. We have few problems in terms of personality or friendship in that we have very similar interests, hobbies and an equally sardonic sense of humour The problems we have been having are pretty much all a matter of sex.

 

Firstly I would like to say that I'm not a man with an overly active sex-drive. I would consider myself pretty average in terms of libido. I like having sex, and I consider it an extremely important part of any good relationship. My girlfriend is not prudish or anything like that, but I have never once felt any passion from her when we have sex. It's not that she simply lays back and lets me do as I wish. She has been open to new things, but suggestions have always come from me, and I've always had a sinking feeling that she simply does such things for my sake.

 

Well, this weekend, we finally had a sit down and a chat. She told me that is an asexual woman. Now I don't know much about being asexual, but she described it to me by telling me that she thinks I'm a very handsome man, but that I, and other handsome men, don't sexually arouse her. She was clear that she does feel an emotional bond with me, and I certainly do with her, but that it's not sexual. She also added that she's never felt a sexual attraction for any man (or woman), and that she likes being with me because she loves me. She described sexual arousal as simply a "chemical matter." By this, she meant that for her, it's no different to feeling thirsty or hungry, and she she attaches no emotional element to it.

 

To me, this actually made a lot of sense. I have seen her enjoy sexual intercourse, but it has always felt somewhat strange, and it never really felt natural. Other women I've been with seemed to have taken more from the experience, and other women were certainly more active in making their desires known and in trying new things. I originally believed that she was simply shy, but we've been together for over three years, and she's always behaved in a similar manner.

 

This leaves me in a pretty nasty situation. Whilst I do love her, and I do appreciate that she tries to make sex an enjoyable experience for me, I honestly get very little from sex with her as I have to know that a woman is enjoying sex in order to take something from it. Now that I know that this is not going to change due to her being asexual, I feel quite bad as I have no desire to ask her to engage in sex simply for my pleasure. With regard to sex, there is an emotional wall between us, and it now seems that there's little that can be done to break it down.

 

Anyway, I'm writing this here to ask for some advice as to what I should do. I think it's pretty clear that we can't really go on in a relationship where sex is not a natural and mutually enjoyable experience, but I feel very conflicted. This is my longest relationship by far, and I've become so attached to this woman

 

 

Thank you

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You've already mapped out your position. You don't enjoy sex with her and this doesn't look like it will change. Usually, no sexual chemistry equals no relationship. This is not a hard and fast rule, but in most cases if there isn't a sexual connection the relationship will break down eventually.

 

My advice, leave and find someone more compatible. That may seem cold blooded but if you don't, I think resentment will begin to fester and end it regardless.

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That sounds more like she has trouble with an emotional disconnect from sex. Perhaps she is throwing the term 'asexual' out there for lack of a better definition? Does she enjoy it on this 'chemical' level?

She described sexual arousal as simply a "chemical matter." By this, she meant that for her, it's no different to feeling thirsty or hungry, and she she attaches no emotional element to it.
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Had she ever mentioned it before? I find hard to believe that you've been together for 3 years and you had never talked about sex openly before.

 

We have. In the past, I've mentioned her lack of interest, but she didn't seem to understand what I found the problem to be.

 

That sounds more like she has trouble with an emotional disconnect from sex. Perhaps she is throwing the term 'asexual' out there for lack of a better definition? Does she enjoy it on this 'chemical' level?

 

Well she has certainly been able to orgasm, and she does say that she enjoys it. I have considered your point too, and I'll likely talk to her more about it when next I see her.

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Okay this sounds pretty bad on the surface but perhaps it isn't.

 

Before you go the dump her route ask her if she is willing to see a therapist with you. Maybe something happened in her past or growing up that has caused this disconnect?

 

If you sit down with her and tell her that you need the woman you love to be sexually attracted to you like you are to them and have sex be more than just a physical act and that you would like for the two of you to see a therapist that may be able to help the situation. If she refuses then she pretty much made the choice for you right? If she agrees to go and nothing changes at least you can go your separate ways knowing you both tried and it didn't work out.

 

To me it seems like she should have mentioned this a LONG TIME AGO! Well before you fell in love with her.

 

See if she is willing to talk to someone and take it from there. There is no way you can go along now like everything is fine.

 

Lost

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I am by no means an expert but your description doesn't seem to fit the definition of asexual. Regardless a doctor's visit would be a good place to start if you are interested in trying to fix this.

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Being asexual isn't a disorder. It's an orientation. Or more a lack of orientation. An asexual I knew described it as thinking of sex/mastubation as clearing the pipes out. It's a bodily impulse, but not a desire for or reaction to another body.

 

 

Honestly OP, there's nothing to be done. You can't compromise someone into enjoying sex with you. How things are now, are how they will be going forward.

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So basically, to her sex is just sex and she doesn't attach emotions to it. However she does enjoy the act itself and the pleasure it gives, but it seems like there is a lack of passion there from your perspective. Your biggest gripe here seems to be that she doesn't initiate some of the "trying new things" as much as previous partners and doesn't seem to be as passionate in bed as you would like her to be. That's less about her being asexual and more about incompatibility.......but really I wonder just how much you are making a mountain out of a molehill out this.......

 

After three years together....things will get stale and the same so either you find ways to liven it up or you part ways and find someone who is more passionate in bed, so long as you realize that eventually even the most sexually passionate person will start to look same old same old....like there really is only so much you can do in the bedroom over the years.

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Is this the same gf? I have never once felt any passion from her when we have sex. It's not that she simply lays back and lets me do as I wish. She has been open to new things, but suggestions have always come from me, and I've always had a sinking feeling that she simply does such things for my sake.

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Anytime I hear the word "asexual" I think of this:

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I was always under the impression being asexual means you can reproduce without a partner. Shouldn't people identify themselves being non-sexual instead? Sorry, I just don't buy this new age labeling.

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I think she is mislabeling herself. She is not devoid of sexual feelings, just passive, according to the post. If she's aroused and finishing, etc with you and loves you then contrary to her claim, she's attracted to you, not asexual. She sounds emotionally apathetic for whatever reason.

Well she has certainly been able to orgasm, and she does say that she enjoys it. I have considered your point too, and I'll likely talk to her more about it when next I see her.
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Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor,

 

Get her to go see a doctor. None of us here are qualified to diagnose this. Go to a qualified professional. There could be a whole host of reasons for her behaviour.

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I was always under the impression being asexual means you can reproduce without a partner. Shouldn't people identify themselves being non-sexual instead? Sorry, I just don't buy this new age labeling.

 

That's asexual repoduction. And if you reproduce asexually, you don't have a sex drive.

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