In for the Long Haul

[Nathan B]

A year ago met the love of my life. Unfortunately by my own controlling tendencies I pushed her away into the arms of another man. I know she still loves me. The signs are all around. The man she is with now is a really good person and she is growing a lot with him. I can accept if we never get back together and some crazy energy and circumstances have me still in this. She has offered me friendship... something I hope to excel at. I'd like nothing more than to be an agent of empowerment in her life. At this time I am challenged as I am surrendering this whole thing over. I obviously want to work on myself as much as I can and develop myself into someone who could honor the type of love I know she wants to give (or whoever it may be). I am really looking for support from someone who has walked this path before me... someone who gets this kind of love (because I know not everyone will be able to connect to it) and someone who understands the journey that I will term as true love. This is going to be a hard road ahead for me... but she is worth it and I am worth the growth that such a journey would produce. I am in surrender to the process at this time (sometimes I'm not lol) and think it is an appropriate time to generate spiritual support to keep me nourished for the challenging road ahead. If you are in a similar situation I will gladly offer my support to you... only if it's real love though, because that's a commitment built on bedrock. 😉 Oh and feel free to offer advice and counsel no matter what walk of life you come from. Be sure to speak a little to your own experience so I can connect with you.

[Billie28]

You didn't push her into the arms of another man.

She willingly went there and stayed there.

 

You want to be an agent of empowerment in her life? Clearly you don't love her and don't know what real love is.

 

You were in a relationship that failed for whatever reason. Time to accept that and move on.

 

You and her wont reconcile. She doesn't want to.

[Knot2loud]

Here's the thing about controlling behavior... When someone tries to control a husband, wife, BF, GF... It just doesn't work. There are a myriad of ways to try to control someone... Jealousy, anger, punishment, retaliation, talking over them, refusal to do something, turning the blame. No one is perfect, everyone has their own quirks, problems, issues, whatever. If someone tries to "correct" the habit or behavior so that person "fits" into the mold they expect... That mold is going to crumble and the relationship is going to have problems. Most successful relationships negotiate or come to an understanding and accept who the other person is and they usually "work together" towards some type of common goal in the relationship. Sure, they're problems - after all, we're human. But, they work together and they try not to do drastic things that will ruin the relationship... Hence... infidelity, jealousy, abuse, lying.

 

True love? True love builds and takes time and work.

[justletgo07]

How long has it been since the BU?

 

Maybe it would be consider not being friends...for now. Take 30+ days to yourself, or however long it takes you to think clearly. Your goal is reconciliation, but that can only really come from her, and you being a great friend to her isn't really going to have much of an impact...and may actually set you back and open opportunities for more unpleasant interactions.

 

I've done the whole try to be friends thing, for almost a year. It's a great path if you want to spend the next several months feeling nervous and unsatisfied.

 

Whatever you decide, look out for yourself. No one else is going to.

[Wiseman2]

The best path for you is one of self growth and discovery, enjoying life and moving on to find a 'true love' of your own, not glorifying the friend-zone or becoming obsessive about the one who got away.

I obviously want to work on myself as much as I can and develop myself .someone who understands the journey that I will term as true love. This is going to be a hard road ahead for me.

[Iggy5129]

You're building up this grandiose idea in your head that you're some kind of "true love" martyr. No. You are stunting yourself and preventing yourself from being in a healthy relationship in the future.

 

Go NC and get your life back. Leaving her be to have a happy life is true love. Not forcing your way back into her life by any means necessary.

 

Let's be real, she probably offered friends to let you down easy and she will slowly fade out of your life. No man would allow his GF to be friends with an ex. You are deluding yourself.

[Nathan B]

Maybe the old times are over when a man would have a vision and that vision would be his guiding light. The time for holding to a faith that something larger than his own will is guiding him into the arms of his one true love. Maybe too many heart breaks and this world has grown cynical and surrendered that vision. I know I don't. Not many people will know true love in this lifetime and many people come to this website heart broken looking for support from other heart broken people. I am not looking for the manna that many of you offer me. Maybe I am in the wrong website. "What is real cannot be threatened and what is unreal doesn't exist, herein lies the peace of God" -ACIM. Word to the wise, none of us know what another one of us is going to. I have read a lot of forums on this site. I have not seen someone actually support another in holding faith for true love. Does no one here believe in that? I do and if you do I am open to conversation. I am in No Contact now even though we are friends. I am getting therapy via a church psychologist and am looking to make myself the best person I can be in my health, mind and soul. I am just looking for someone who has walked this road and knows the faith that I know and can offer up some words of encouragement. If you are not in a successful relationship you probably shouldn't be responding to this thread. If you have brought a relationship back from the brink then you are my ideal person to hold discussion. I thank everyone for their time and consideration. I do not want to appear stubborn, I just ask that you reflect on how you have grown stubborn and habitual as to how you approach sensitive topics that mean the world to people. Not everyone is lost and not every relationship is broken. It's time we start believing again and supporting others in that journey. Anything less is a copout and weakness. If you know it's real I will stand with you.

[Billie28]

"What is real cannot be threatened and what is unreal doesn't exist, herein lies the peace of God" -ACIM.

 

Not a bad quote!

 

And if you apply it to your situation you would realise that if this girl you met only a year ago, was in fact real love between you, then it wouldn't have been threatened by your controlling behaviour nor another man.

But it was threatened, hey?

 

And "what is unreal doesn't exist"

Your romantic relationship with this woman doesn't exist.

In fact what does exist is her in a relationship with another man.

 

What is a church psychologist? Do they have any actual psychology qualifications? Or simply telling you to have faith not only in a God but with exes?

It would be interesting to hear what this church psychologist would say to your ex today? To have faith in her current partner or ex? Probably her current and thereby contradicting what they tell you.

 

Real love doesn't take a break or date someone else. Real love conquers all.

So what you experienced with this woman was not real love. You simply thought it was.

Real love is equal. No controlling behaviour.

 

Hopefully you will put some faith in my response and not be so dismissive.

[Nathan B]

You know I am not going to put any defense on any of your points. It really doesn't warrant a defense. You are right about one thing though. True love conquers all and you DO NOT live in my life and have no RIGHT to project failure and defeat into my experience. You do not know what stage of this battle we are in and you do not know anything about her and you do not know anything about me. There are plenty of people coming to this site who could easily be steered toward a happy life long journey with a partner but instead their hearts are impregnanted with ideas that lead to seperation.

 

Each person on this thread should give a very hard look at themselves in the mirror. Are you properly investigating peoples cases when you are offering your advise? Or do you just fit their lives into your personal experience and project your feelings and emotions from your past onto them? People are suffering over these experiences and they really just need love and support. I often try to support people with what they want even if I do not agree with what they want, A) because they will very well figure it out for themselves if they are meant to, and B) who am I to say I know better for them! If they get what they say they want that is even better!

 

This brokeness has to end. I know this girl is my one true love and if you cared to ask questions you may be able to judge that for yourself... but you cannot judge it for yourself. I simply believe in a concept that you DO NOT, AND herein lie the deeper problem. I will return to this thread and personally write each of you upon my success. I hope my faith will inspire you then. I hope you will believe it then. Lets put the power of thought and faith to test. If I return with this result I hope you will reconsider how you approach these types of cases. Of course if I do not I will be forced to reckon with my own flawed thoughts. I doubt I will see such a day but I accept such a risk. Do you?

[Nathan B]

"What is real cannot be threatened and what is unreal doesn't exist, herein lies the peace of God" -ACIM.

 

ACIM = A Course in Miracles in case you did not know.

 

Definition of Miracle: a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences.

 

ACIM teaches that a miracle is a “shift in perception”.

 

We are the space for love to come in or we are not. We are the space for peace or we are not. I know I pushed her away because I was not a space for love. Internal programming is being handled right now. ;-)