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How long until the worst of it is over?


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So, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me unexpectedly 6 days ago. Since then, it seems like every day has gotten worse than the last. Can't eat, can't sleep; most of you have been there.

 

My question: how long does the devastated feeling last. I'm not talking about some pain and not being completely over your ex, I'm talking the super intense sort of pain that I'm feeling right now in which you can't even function. Tried to go to work tonight; I couldn't make it. I'm just an absolute wreck and I at least want this phase to be over with.

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BTW I called her yesterday. I did my best to sound positive and upbeat on the phone, but I still think it was a mistake. I told her that I don't think she took the time to process her split from her last boyfriend and that she probably couldn't fully put herself into a relationship with me because of it. She agreed and said she's just not emotionally available right now. I told her that she had strong feelings for me before (and she agreed) and that I still think there is something between us, so if she ever wants to try again to let me know and if I'm still available the door may still be open. She said she likes me and thought maybe we should still go to the ball game we had planned and go out to eat sometimes but that she remembered me telling her before that I wouldn't take a demotion and that this wouldn't be fair to me. I told her that we still have to work together so while I'll probably avoid her as best I can for a while that we still need to be cordial and she agreed. I don't have much hope; I think she mostly feels sorry for me, but I felt like I had to put it out there. I've been NC since then (which is REALLY hard.) I've thought about asking if she still wants to go to the game but I think I'd just be setting myself up for disappointment. I think I'll just sell the tickets.

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Sell the tickets. And the pain is going to suck for a couple weeks. If you don't have to see her at all period, it will help. Don't bother talking to her, looking her up online, it drags the healing process out. Try to set a goal for yourself and do some new things or old things you enjoy in your free time. I started doing a lot of push-ups, sit-ups, and weights to alleviate things and it turned into a routine.

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It depends on how you process your grief, what kinds of thinking you are doing, how long you dated, how invested you were, etc. I think you got all of the information you needed from that phone call, as hard as it was to take, to keep the story straight and process things going forward.

 

Sell the tickets, keep with NC, (keep with NC, keep with NC, keep with NC) and the hardest part will be... about a month maybe? Could be much longer. Know that it's not your fault she dumped you, but that she wasn't emotionally available to form a strong connection with you, and it never went as deep as maybe either of you thought it did. That's painful, but it means you don't have to beat yourself up about what you could have done differently, or trying to fix things now. If she's not into you, she's not into you.

 

Avoid her as much as you can, those awkard conversations can uncover or twist things and keep you on the hurt train, because whatever you have been processing to distance yourself has to get looked at again to see if it matches whatever new evidence comes up. Whatever happens, try not to be a detective. You'll end up with a wall of photos with red lines going everywhere.

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BTW I called her yesterday. I did my best to sound positive and upbeat on the phone, but I still think it was a mistake. I told her that I don't think she took the time to process her split from her last boyfriend and that she probably couldn't fully put herself into a relationship with me because of it. She agreed and said she's just not emotionally available right now. I told her that she had strong feelings for me before (and she agreed) and that I still think there is something between us, so if she ever wants to try again to let me know and if I'm still available the door may still be open. She said she likes me and thought maybe we should still go to the ball game we had planned and go out to eat sometimes but that she remembered me telling her before that I wouldn't take a demotion and that this wouldn't be fair to me. I told her that we still have to work together so while I'll probably avoid her as best I can for a while that we still need to be cordial and she agreed. I don't have much hope; I think she mostly feels sorry for me, but I felt like I had to put it out there. I've been NC since then (which is REALLY hard.) I've thought about asking if she still wants to go to the game but I think I'd just be setting myself up for disappointment. I think I'll just sell the tickets.

 

So you are admitting you were a rebound - that she didn't fully invest in you, and yet you are chasing after someone who really doesn't want to be with you? Do not tell her that you are available and do not talk of open doors. Sell the tickets or take a guy friend, brother, etc. You can still go - just not with her.

 

It WILL get better, but it ONLY gets better if you stop chasing, you go total NC except what is absolutely necessary at the office. I can't tell you what time frame that will happen for you, only that it will happen if you do not contact her again

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So you are admitting you were a rebound - that she didn't fully invest in you, and yet you are chasing after someone who really doesn't want to be with you? Do not tell her that you are available and do not talk of open doors. Sell the tickets or take a guy friend, brother, etc. You can still go - just not with her.

 

It WILL get better, but it ONLY gets better if you stop chasing, you go total NC except what is absolutely necessary at the office. I can't tell you what time frame that will happen for you, only that it will happen if you do not contact her again

 

I just told her how I felt. She was once a rebound for me almost four years ago who I couldn't invest in until one day when I was emotionally available I saw her in a new light. My last ditch hope is that maybe the same thing will now happen in reverse. I'm not holding my breath though. I did avoid the crying and begging, as hard as that is to avoid. Sad how this type of pain makes a man throw his self-pride aside.

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I will be completely honest with you, the first weeks will hurt like hell, and it will take some time till you are fully healed; usually depending on how long you both have been together. I broke up with my ex-fiance of three years just a month ago so I can definitely relate to how you are feeling right now. My advice is to stick to NC for at least two months; I know it will take balls of steel to stick to it, but it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Once you have reached the two month mark, it is up for you to decide if you still want to keep her number or not, and if you want to extend NC to another couple of months.

 

Keeping contact with her will just prolong your pain and prevent you from moving on. I broke NC with my ex last week and I suffered the consequences. My ex suggested the same thing to me like you did with your ex about "keeping the door open" but it only lasted four days and ended miserably. You also have to take into account that being in a "limbo" of hoping of reconciliation with your ex in the future just damages your self-preservation and esteem.

 

I'm not going to BS you, but there is no magic solution to easing the pain, except for letting it all out and grieve. I know there are some people who actually keep it in and block out their feelings with alcohol, sex, drugs, etc; but in the end, heartbreak catches up to them 10x stronger than in the beginning and they have no choice but to embrace and come to terms with the heartbreak. Remember, each day is a progress. Although it has been a month for me, the pain I feel right now is nowhere near as bad like the first few days.

 

Concentrate on yourself, grieve, and let it all out. But also remember, each heartbreak is a step closer to finding the right one. You'll be okay.

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It hurts really bad and in the beginning you feel as if the wind was knocked out of you. I came out of a ten year relationship and could hardly leave my bed. It gets better as a new day comes along and then clarity kicks in and you start to understand why it is you are broken up.

 

Being NC is smart that makes it easier to let go.

 

Hang in there!

 

Lisa

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So you are admitting you were a rebound - that she didn't fully invest in you, and yet you are chasing after someone who really doesn't want to be with you? Do not tell her that you are available and do not talk of open doors. Sell the tickets or take a guy friend, brother, etc. You can still go - just not with her.

 

It WILL get better, but it ONLY gets better if you stop chasing, you go total NC except what is absolutely necessary at the office. I can't tell you what time frame that will happen for you, only that it will happen if you do not contact her again

 

I agree this is an important step towards healing for you to realize that you were her rebound.

 

It will get better. I can't give you a timeframe because it depends on how your brain works. But it will get better.

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Uggh I never should have gotten drunk last night. All I did was to temporarily distract myself but now I just feel 10 times worse. Man I hate this anguish.

 

Alcohol is a depressant. After my wife left me I didn't touch a drop for over 8 months. I knew being hungover would just make everything worse. Hang in there it will get better just takes time

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  • 2 weeks later...

The first days are the worst. You started asking yourself questions, what went wrong? why this is happening? and you will wake up in the middle of the night thinking everything is a nightmare. You will want to call her and beg to come back home, you'll do anything to convince her- problem is that she's already convinced of leaving you and not returning. In my case I was devastated, I got home she took all of her belongings including her son, who for the year and half we were together treated as my son. For two days I had no idea of where they were, then she won't talk to me, she will treat me as the worst enemy she ever had in her life. A week and half later, she told me that she is back with baby daddy ( person who we had to take to court for harassing her) and even prohibited me from seeing the kid as he don't want me to. After that date, I did not contact her, but pain grew stronger, couldn't believe neither understand what was happening. The worst part was to leave our apartment, which I did Sunday. My bestfriend who has been there for me, helped me with the moving, and on my way to the new apartment I was feeling so bad, devastated. But after I got to the apartment, I felt better -I think it was more the fear of leaving what I though was my house, my family, than the situation itself. She left June01, so is almost a month and still hurt, but definitely it hurts less.

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the most unbearable pain lasted for the first 3 weeks. Of course it would be up to you if you want to wallow in that situation. As for me I really have some series of waves. I usually start by deciding as soon as I wake up that I NEED to move on because if I let that pain get me the moment I wake up, it will be terribly hard to get off it. So many things will come flooding in my mind and it'll be so ugly and painful. Oh and it will be much better if you maintain the NC status. It's actually for ourselves to be OKAY much sooner than expected.

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I wouldn't sell the tickets. Take a buddy to the game. Make yourself have a good time. Look at other girls. Remember you are a great person and you don't deserve the hurt. Yes we have all been there at one point. I still am but I push everyday to make myself feel better. Someone like that is selfish and believe me she isn't hurting as bad as you. They never do. Go enjoy yourself, you deserve man. It sucks but what good is sitting around grieving doing for you. Hell I quit my job because it had too many memories of my life with her. mistake on my part. Look around you be happy for what you have, when you do that I promise you'll feel a tiny spark of the happiness you had before her. Expand on that remember that feeling. I does and will get better. Don't be a doormat I was and it sucks. There is someone out there for you bro

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I wouldn't sell the tickets. Take a buddy to the game. Make yourself have a good time. Look at other girls. Remember you are a great person and you don't deserve the hurt. Yes we have all been there at one point. I still am but I push everyday to make myself feel better. Someone like that is selfish and believe me she isn't hurting as bad as you. They never do. Go enjoy yourself, you deserve man. It sucks but what good is sitting around grieving doing for you. Hell I quit my job because it had too many memories of my life with her. mistake on my part. Look around you be happy for what you have, when you do that I promise you'll feel a tiny spark of the happiness you had before her. Expand on that remember that feeling. I does and will get better. Don't be a doormat I was and it sucks. There is someone out there for you bro

 

I agree w/ this, among the others. I bought concert tix for me and my ex for July. Better believe I'm going.

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