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Should we try Couples Therapy? What are the options for getting help...


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Hey All, I'm Justin, my girlfriend and I moved in together after being in a long distance relationship for a year. She moved here (california) from Amsterdam so it's been especially hard because she doesn't have her own life here and is basically piggy backing on mine. I'm fine with it but I she deals with a lot of anxiety of not feeling like she can be an independent person now. We've also been fighting a lot about stupid small things but the arguments usually culminate in something related to not having independence. But I think there's more going on, we don't seem to be have authentic and open conversations like we used to when we primarily were talking over Skype.

 

Anyway we decided we'd like to consider seeing some, like doing couples therapy or relationship counseling but it's pretty expensive and it's hard for us to get our hours to line up. A few questions:

 

Is worth the hassle and money? How long till you start seeing results generally? What does it depend on? Us? The therapist?

How is it different from the two of us just talking to a good friend?

Do you know if insurance can cover these types of services?

Has anyone used any good online counseling or therapy services? A friend of mine recommended breakthrough.com and betterify.us. I was wondering if anyone had tried either of those or had any thoughts?

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I think the best thing to do would have been for her to get an apartment on her own or with a female roommate and start "Dating you" before moving in together. I think that if she has some anxiety, that it might be best for her to go to counseling herself also or at first. Also suggest that she go to Meetup.com and find groups that fit her interest to join to get some new friends.

 

Is worth the hassle and money? How long till you start seeing results generally? What does it depend on? Us? The therapist?

Depends on how open you both are to it and willing.

 

How is it different from the two of us just talking to a good friend?

A good friend is not a professional. They are biased and have their own interests in mind. Friends do have an agenda for one of you or the other and its especially not fair that all of the "friends" are YOUR friends. It also breaks intimacy if all your friends know about your issues together and you need to learn to talk to eachother - not friends.

 

Do you know if insurance can cover these types of services?

 

It might cover her for anxiety, but I doubt it would cover relationship counseling.

 

Has anyone used any good online counseling or therapy services? A friend of mine recommended breakthrough.com and betterify.us. I was wondering if anyone had tried either of those or had any thoughts?

 

The problem with online or self study is that if an issue comes up that we don't want to address - we don't.

I do suggest looking at a book called The Five Love Languages or its related website to take the test there. its more about individual self discovery but helps in a relationship.

 

Of course you had more intimate conversations before because it was "safe" you weren't really part of eachother's day to day lives at that point.

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It can help with communication and relationship skills, etc. However there are some glaring things here. She's homesick. there's culture shock, even if its' subtle because she's fluent in English. You never really spent much time with each other before so moving in straight away is like a crash landing into a relationship.

 

Does she have a job or school? Can she call home? Does she have second thoughts about having done this? Therapy will help but so will addressing some of the glaring obvious adjustment issues.

my girlfriend and I moved in together after being in a long distance relationship for a year. She moved here (california) from Amsterdam so it's been especially hard because she doesn't have her own life here and is basically piggy backing on mine
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It can help with communication and relationship skills, etc. However there are some glaring things here. She's homesick. there's culture shock, even if its' subtle because she's fluent in English. You never really spent much time with each other before so moving in straight away is like a crash landing into a relationship.

 

Does she have a job or school? Can she call home? Does she have second thoughts about having done this? Therapy will help but so will addressing some of the glaring obvious adjustment issues.

 

I agree with this. She needs to do all the above.

 

but the arguments usually culminate in something related to not having independence.

 

Is she here on a student or work or tourist VISA? Does she have a job or can she work? If you are just giving her money here and there, she doesn't have a vehicle (unless you live in an area where you can walk to many stores, venues and other things) even if its a bicycle, then she ubdoubtably feels a little trapped.

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Therapy can help a lot if you are determined to do the work, and find a good therapist. Your gf should not have moved in with you immediately, she should have had her own place, with a roomie if need be, and then you work on getting to know each other face to face.

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