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Our wedding is supposed to be this October. I'm due any day with our son. I always wanted a nice wedding with family and friends. To give a little history my father passed away almost 6 years ago. It hurts knowing he can't walk me down the aisle. I do have two little girls from a previous relationship. Four years and 18 months. I want them involved in the wedding as well as our son. So it has always been hard for me to decide what I want. If I want to elope and have a destination wedding then the children can't come.

 

Another problem I'm struggling to understand is a few weeks ago on my birthday my soon to be mother in law planned a baby shower for me. I planned my first one myself with my daughter because no one else offered but this is her first grandson so I reluctantly let her do it. I hated the idea simply because I was afraid not a lot of people would be able to come. She sent invites out two months in advance. I gave her 50 addresses for my side of the family and friends.

 

NOT ONE PERSON CAME FROM MY SIDE besides my mother and grandma after I told her I had gotten 12 cancels in one day.

 

I cannot explain the hurt and betrayal I felt. And still feel. My bridesmaids bailed. All the rest of my family. All of my close friends. I had to explain to my mom who the people where that did show up. My mother in laws neighbors. That's who. I may be just hormonal but at least 3/4 of these people were excited to come. Then cancel last minute or don't show up at all.

 

Back to the wedding. Now I'm trying to decide if I even want to try to have a wedding in fear of the same results. What if we plan this wedding and people say they are coming and don't. I know a few will cancel but last time it was all of them. I don't want to 1. Spend all that money to waste it. 2. Expect to see a bigger turn out than I do and be crushed. 3. Feel that embarrassment again. My own bridesmaids. My best friends. Couldn't take two hours out of their day. There are 5 of them. And not one.

 

So do we elope or do we continue on with the wedding? It really hurts and I feel like giving up. Sorry for spelling or grammar errors. I'm bawling uncontrollably while trying to type this. I have never felt so alone.

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i'm sorry you're so hurt. your friends could have been genuinely busy that they couldn't make your shower. but to be honest, do you think you've bought in to the society's "dream" of what a "nice" wedding is? what does it matter if your dad walks you down the aisle or not? some girls i know walked down the aisle by themselves even though their father was alive, because the relationship wasn't all that great. you shouldn't feel sad that he can't walk you down. walk down proudly down the aisle by yourself -- that looks beautiful enough. or if you must, you could have your mom walk you too. who cares about the way society portrays a dream wedding?

 

do you think you focus a little too much on yourself? about how you feel betrayed, how you can't have your dream wedding the way you want it, or that you feel like no one cares? it's not true. your fiancee loves you and cares for you very much. that's why he wants to marry you, right? you're not alone.

 

why does eloping have to be a destination wedding? i think it's a wonderful idea that you want your kids involved in your wedding. i think you can try to have a very small wedding that includes the kids and just maybe the small number of loved ones. i wouldn't care so much about having bridesmaids or inviting a whole bunch of friends and relatives who didn't care enough to come to your shower. i mean, if they did care, hopefully they sincerely gave you an apology of why they couldn't make it and you can think about whether you want them to come to your wedding.

 

i mean, having a small wedding like about 10 people is not a bad idea either. it will definitely cut down on the costs and you'll be surrounded by the ones who love you the most.

 

i just want to encourage you to think outside the box. to be brutally honest, you already broke tradition by having a baby first before your wedding. so i think you're probably not all that into the traditional wedding thing anyway. think of the wedding as not the "bride's day" as society likes to paint it, but that it's a celebration of you and your fiancee's love and nothing can make that sad or embarrassing. make it your own. just enjoy it. that's all that matters.

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The reason for you getting married is to spend the rest of your life with the person you love, the people are just additional, smaller weddings can be very intimate so if that ever happens don't be down on your wedding day. As the previous post said they genuinely could have been busy but for your wedding it's a bit different. Don't go into your wedding thinking about the baby shower- you could end up being a kill joy on that day.

 

I would recommend speaking to your bridesmaids it will give you some closure and closure is good (sometimes ) they will have the chance to explain to you why they were not there. And to be honest it's your 3 child people may not see the event as special as you do. They have probably been to the previous two and had something planned on the day and didn't want to cancel their other plans. Sometimes things don't go in our favour but we have to be understanding.

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Hell, we lived in San Diego at the time and just eloped to Mexico. Easy. I didn't understand all the words spoken, but I got married and it was fine. Simple skirt and sandals, no wedding dress. It was fine with me. No headaches. So elope, or go to the nearest courthouse and bring the kids with you. You're overthinking this entire thing.

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Did any of your people come to your first baby shower? What immediately sprang to my mind is that this is your third child, and a lot of people I know will go to one shower and that's generally it. Your expectation that they show up to this one does strike me personally as a bit odd. It makes sense your mother in law wanted to throw one, as its her first grandchild and the first time your fiances family has to celebrate and gift. And you got to have two - that's pretty cool for you.

 

A wedding is different than a baby shower for a third kid.

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I agree with IAG. Many people will be excited and show up to the baby shower of a woman who is having/just had her first child, but this is your third. Totally makes sense why your future in law would want to throw one, because it's her first grandchild, but everyone on your side of the family has been-there, done-that with you already. In some circles, having a baby shower for each subsequent child after the first is considered odd or even greedy.

 

Weddings are a completely different story.

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I agree they probably did not come because it is a third baby . Where I am from they don't do a shower for any baby past the first . They probably figured you have all this stuff from your first and second baby so why buy more. Probably the only people invited should have been his side of the family other than your mother and grandmother.

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Another problem I'm struggling to understand is a few weeks ago on my birthday my soon to be mother in law planned a baby shower for me. I planned my first one myself with my daughter because no one else offered but this is her first grandson so I reluctantly let her do it. I hated the idea simply because I was afraid not a lot of people would be able to come. She sent invites out two months in advance. I gave her 50 addresses for my side of the family and friends

 

NOT ONE PERSON CAME FROM MY SIDE besides my mother and grandma after I told her I had gotten 12 cancels in one day. .

Just so you know... Baby showers are suppose to be held for your first born. Since this will be your third child, it would be in poor taste to have one. That's probably why people declined. I would have declined if I were you or if I were a guest because it comes off as gift grabby.

 

As for a wedding, is this your first one? I wouldn't stress over what happened at the baby shower for a wedding. Have an RSVP date by a month before the wedding date. That way you have enough leeway to make a decision.

 

Also:

My own bridesmaids. My best friends. Couldn't take two hours out of their day. There are 5 of them. And not one.

Have you been a bridesmaid before? It is very expensive to be a member of the bridal party. You have to pay for your own dress that costs over $100 and only get to wear once... Then there's the makeup, hair, nails, shoes and accessories to look your very best... Then plan pre-wedding festivities (travel costs, hotel, food/drink, shows/outings, etc.). I have been a bridesmaid once and refuse to do it ever again UNLESS it's for family. I had a really bad experience being a bridesmaid for a bridezilla who is no longer my friend because of the way she treated me around her wedding- I ended a 12 year friendship based on wedding drama (it was THAT bad). It is a money pit for my wallet. I'd rather go as a guest and just enjoy the wedding without paying a dime than to deal with diva drama with the bride/other bridesmaids.

 

If ALL of your bridesmaids bailed, then there might be something you did wrong. I don't know what it is, but it is definitely worth having that conversation to find out why (and do not take what they tell you so personally). If you didn't have your friends come to a baby shower... You might have broken some etiquette rules for your wedding as well. It's time to fix them and learn from this before you LOSE your friend after your wedding. You don't want to end up like what happened between my friend and I all because you were rude to your friends.

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A shower for your third kid? I'd listen to the advice you've been given here because I'm certain it's put much more politely than the thoughts others might keep to themselves after hearing the idea. My family actually is the type to celebrate every new baby, but we also celebrate everything and have a big family party pretty much every week. The parties after the first baby aren't "showers" anymore, though. No one is expected to give gifts.

 

Another thought I had is how close are you exactly to all these 50 people you gave addresses for? Maybe I'm just not the most outgoing person, but that's like a baby step below cold calling for guests. If these are people you're not seeing regularly for any non-"give me gifts" / "come celebrate me" events, they're likely not going to give them priority. If I were to have a baby with my girlfriend, my mailing list might be like 50 addresses long, but that's only because my grandparents had 13 kids who all have kids and, again, our family sees each other pretty much every week. I couldn't imagine expecting an aunt or uncle I see twice or three times a year to come to a first baby shower, let alone third.

 

And what's your proximity to all these family and friends you're inviting? Are they close by in town? Out of town?

 

At the end of the day, I think some people put way too much stake in others celebrating their occasions.

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Another thought I had is how close are you exactly to all these 50 people you gave addresses for? Maybe I'm just not the most outgoing person, but that's like a baby step below cold calling for guests. If these are people you're not seeing regularly for any non-"give me gifts" / "come celebrate me" events, they're likely not going to give them priority.

I had this happen to me too. A friend of my husbands had a brother knock up his girlfriend and she was having a shower. My husband and I had NO idea who these people were because we never met. It was so gorge in to us to receive and invite and then have the audacity to bring a gift to the said-couple. We both found it gift grabby and didn't hesitate to decline.

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I, too, would not attend a baby shower for a third child - unless that child came MANY years after the last one. Baby showers are for first born children, as it helps new parents transition into the role. By kid #3, if you're not buying your own items to prepare, you have bigger issues. Tacky as hell to have a shower for every kid. And you have an 18 month old, so the last shower wasn't long ago.

 

I'm also pregnant (due in August with our first) and getting married in July. We're eloping with our parents in tow, because we want something small and intimate - and we're also in our 30s, and don't need the big showy "look at me" wedding. How old are you and is this your first marriage?

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What exactly do you feel alone with? You're getting married, you have children and one on the way, you have a future MIL excited for the babe coming, your mom and grandma came to the shower. Your friends probably don't feel like doling out cash again for baby #3. They're probably like, 'didn't we just do this?'

 

I'm not really one for party etiquette and all that, but at baby #3 if you want to have a get together where you provide some snacks and drinks, that's fine and well. But that's something you do with close friends...Not 50 people. And I don't know about anyone else, but even at my most extroverted and social I was not close to 50 people by a long shot.

 

It is not as though no one showed up at all. Just the been there done that people didn't want to. If you were left there all by your lonesome I would have a different take on this.

 

I think the wedding will be a different story.

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Agree with Cheet, this is something for very close friends/family members, not tons of people that you may be acquaintances with. I'll tell you a story, I got an invite to someone's baby shower at work. This is a woman who has worked in my workplace for a while. We NEVER had a full conversation, just exchanged pleasantries as we passed, etc. That was the extent of her interactions. Not only did I get an invite to her baby shower but I was also forwarded a mass email from her mom (mom sent to someone asking to forward to all of her coworkers) that linked to her baby shower registry that had a lot of expensive items. Yes, this was her first child but I was not close to this lady at all! And I was getting asked to go to a shower, buy a gift, AND put money in a card.

 

It was so gift grabby! I declined the invite, did not buy anything from the registry, did not put money into a card, and I didn't think that well of her after that. So not only did she not get a gift/money from me, but she really soured my personal feelings about her and I wonder if others felt the same.

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Keep it small and simple. Invite only a few close people, not a bunch of flaky acquaintances and distant relatives..Throwing event after event for yourself where people have to spend a ton of money on you for gifts travel etc. will be disappointing.

What if we plan this wedding and people say they are coming and don't. Expect to see a bigger turn out than I do and be crushed.
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FIVE bridesmaids! All that is needed are two witnesses (one bridesmaid and one best man). OP. A smaller more intimate wedding would be a much better idea. Let's say 24 people in all? Nothing to say the children can't attend a quieter event.

 

I agree with what Nuttybuddy says above.

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FIVE bridesmaids! All that is needed are two witnesses (one bridesmaid and one best man). OP. A smaller more intimate wedding would be a much better idea. Let's say 24 people in all? Nothing to say the children can't attend a quieter event.

 

I agree with what Nuttybuddy says above.

 

You don't even NEED witnesses.

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FIVE bridesmaids! All that is needed are two witnesses (one bridesmaid and one best man). OP. A smaller more intimate wedding would be a much better idea. Let's say 24 people in all? Nothing to say the children can't attend a quieter event.

 

I agree with what Nuttybuddy says above.

That last wedding I mentioned... I was bridesmaid #8. Yep, you read correctly- 8 bridesmaid. For a wedding of 200 people.

 

The bigger your wedding party, the higher risk of it being more drama.

 

I had only three bridesmaids at mine for 80 people. I did not require them to do anything extra other than to show up at my on time and in the dress that I wanted them to wear (jersey fabric, $90 per dress). I just wanted them to be my honored guests and we were all extremely chill.

 

You don't even NEED witnesses.

Not true. I needed to have my MOH and BM sign the certificate right after the ceremony as witnesses. My priest had them sign it right after the ceremony. Otherwise my marriage was forfeited.

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The thing is too anybody can have a wedding any which way they want to . I don't think we should tell anybody how to have their wedding . But a baby shower for a third child, nah. Now it may be her husband's first child and in that situation I could see inviting his family .

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Yes, we need witnesses over here (2). They sign the register with the bride and groom. Anyone can be a witness. I had one bridesmaid (witness) and there was one best man (a family member). They are witnesses to the marriage.

 

Our guests were honoured guests. Didn't have to be bridesmaids.

 

The bridesmaid's job is to assist the bride in getting dressed/ready, be on hand to help that morning, afternoon whatever. Hence the origin of the word "bride's maid"

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To an extent you can throw whatever wedding you want. You have a Star War themed wedding if it makes you happy (I had piano covers of video game music played). But when you start inviting people, it doesn't just become the groom and bride's day anymore. It is their responsibility that their guests are comfortable and properly hosted. If her ENTIRE bridal party dropped and no one showed up at her third child's baby shower... I have to wonder what the OP did to potentially piss them off. If one dropped and it was an emergency, then this would be a totally different story. But my suspicion is that she did something that offended all of her girls without realizing it.

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You need two witnesses over here to sign in order for the marriage to be valid. It can be anyone though - well, not your groom obviously but I mean in terms of family members. My father was in a park years ago and he was pulled aside by a couple (dressed in jeans and casual clothes too!) and an officiant because they only had one witness and they needed one more. He signed for it of course.

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And their names are on the marriage certificate issued.

 

Certainly the hotels, venues, florists, photographers, musicians, dressmakers/couturiers, et al are all laughing all the way to the bank, as this craze continues (keeping up with Mary Jones) for ever more OTT weddings. It is the biggest business ever. One notices that mainly it is people in what might be called the lower to lower middle socio-economic groups who go for the biggest splash. It is a well-known fact that they mortgage themselves to the hilt to pay for the day and are paying on the never-never. . Prices start at an average of €37.000 and move sharply upwards from there.

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I came on this website to get advice. Not to be called gift grabby or greedy. My first two children I raised on my own with no help from the state or their fathers. I threw my own baby shower for my first born and only three people came. I DID NOT want another shower and made that clear.

 

To call me greedy is rude. I struggled working three jobs to provide for my children. I have been and will continue to get my children everything they need. Yes I have a wonderful fiancé now and it is his first child so I have help this time.

 

This is our first wedding. I want the day to be a good and memorable one. I knew that I would get a few negative comments but I was hoping by coming on a site that is called not alone I might find someone who could help me or at least make me feel not so alone.

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