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How to win a long term girlfriend back?


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  • I'm 29, she's 23
  • 7 years dating on/off
  • Years 1-1.5 happy
  • Years 2-3 breakups & both got physical with other people
  • Year 4 another breakup - 9 months - During I was physical with a girl
  • Year 5-6 together trying - I wasn't up/down - positive/negative, told her I didn't want children anymore (deal breaker)
  • This year January: broke up


Asking her to try again

    [*] April: Sent long letter & flowers - "I've made mistakes, I want to be with you"

    [*] Met in person. Her: distant, asked for space, to date other guys to be sure.

    [*] Had lunch, talked laughed casually, held her hand, arms around her for hours. By end of day she "didn't want to leave"



    • Next day started space
    • Weeks after: I made 2-3 romantic gestures (anniversary day flowers etc) - talked/laughed 1-2 hours after each
    • May: She said past weeks felt nice like a relationship - but doesn't want it right now, still not sure about me.
    • Started full no contact space, so she can date others without feeling guilty, until I visit her again
    • June: Told her I'd visit end of month. She asked it to be casual
    • "No flowers, holding hands. Not ready to date you" - suppressing her emotions
    • "Lost confidence/trust in you, don't know if I can get it back"
    • "I feel like I gave you enough time to figure yourself out while we were together and wondering if it's too late now"
    • "Need time & space to figure it out so I can see other guys" "How would you feel if I went on a date with someone else?"
    • "Not asking you to wait around"


    So she has a lot of walls up against me right now, but is okay to meeting up.


    What things should I be doing & how should I be acting when we meet and speak?

    What attracts a woman back to you at this stage?

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It has been a loop past years. But we did let go in January.


I worked on myself for 3 months and only approached her in April when I was serious & confident in my decision.


I have improved myself drastically and she has commented that I'm now "saying & doing everything she's always wanted"

It's all natural though. Because I've come a long way and now I am ready.


It's just her who isn't

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It's over.


She is being unfair by easing her transition to single life while having you as a back up to fill the void.

This is giving you a false sense of hope.


Go no contact. Don't even tell her you are going no contact. That means you don't initiate contact nor reply to her breadcrumbs.


Start your grieving process now. She has already started hers.

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Well it takes 2 to make a relationship and if she's not game there's not much you can do. She's tried with you several times. She may just be done.


Your best shot is disappearing. If you keep pestering her she will never miss you. BUT she may never miss you regardless if she's truly done. It would be in your best interest to go no contact and wean yourself off this roller coaster.

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You shouldn't have to persuade her into getting back with you.


Ask yourself, do you really want to have to win someone's love? Would it be that genuine?


What's that old saying? “If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”


Do you. NC is probably the best course of action at this point. We're here for you.

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7 years of going nowhere and you threw in a huge deal breaker so I'm not sure what you're expecting. The only thing that keeps you two together is memories and feelings of the past. I'm still not understanding how in 3 months time you were able to decide that you now want to have children. I think you need to step away from it all for awhile and figure out what you really want in your life. If there are must haves or in this case your deal breaker of must not have then I would not bend and break those just to be in a relationship. If someone were to say to me that they didn't want children, no matter how perfect they were in all other aspects they weren't perfect enough to meet a certain need and I will not go through life with someone like that nor be able to live with myself knowing that I gave that up.


So maybe I'm looking at it from her angle and you describing her interactions with you, I honestly think you're best to just leave it behind you. I'm sure it's rough as you've had her for a quarter of your life but like others have said, NC is really the best thing to do.

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It is perfectly normal after a breakup to contemplate getting your ex back. I'm going through that myself right now. Everyone on this site throws out the "go no contact, move on, leave it in the past" advice as if it was easy as slicing bread.


But listen, you gave reconciliation a shot by maintaining communication with her. She rejected it. In my opinion, every time you see her, you are backtracking on any personal progress you have made.


As tough as it may sound I suggest you go no contact. Right now she knows your there and available, going no contact is going to remove that emotional crutch she has been leaning against go get through that breakup. Maybe she'll miss you, maybe not. wait for her to contact you.


I want to stress that you should not see going no contact as a move to get her back, see it as a way for you to start moving on as an individual. Remind yourself that right now it is over, and that you are wasting your life and deluding yourself by continuously trying to win her back. When you get emotional, remind yourself that these thoughts will pass. As more time passes these emotions will begin to fade until they disappear entirely. Then go find another woman.


Best of luck to you sir.

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