Winning her back for the long haul

[youareworthy]

Dear Bingbing,

 

Yes, the part about being FAMILY struck me as very odd. Unless you two have children together, or one of you had a child whom the other essentially parented, then I think this notion of family is wrong. She seems like she can't stand the idea of losing you altogether. But that is what usually happens in a breakup, especially since she is dating someone else.

 

I also think it is possible that the new relationship will not last too long as she jumped into it really quickly for someone coming out of a 10 year relationship; I am not encouraging you to wait around. I am just predicting that this new wonderful relationship may not last because of the timing and circumstances.

 

I am sorry that she is stringing you along like this, and I agree that NC is the only way. No Contact is very hard, but it does get easier with time, and eventually sets you free to love someone else.

 

Youareworthy

[Wiseman2]

Yes, basically.

What does that even mean, wanting to be my family, as long as I can accept her new man???

[luisannalui]

Okay read your whole story- I keep thinking the same.

 

Man I feel you, same situation here. I'm going to start therapy and being reading books, journals, articles; to improve my personality. I completely neglect her and didn't appreciate things. But hey, you do have the opportunity to make think works but just take things slowly. Do not pressure her, just go with the flow.

 

This woman is very confused, she doesn't know what she wants in life. In one of her responses she said " I need a little time, but I didn't want to leave you without anything, worrying that I'm ignoring you putting it all out there LIKE YOU DID. " That last word, she feel some type of resentment toward you. She might be in a rebound or serious relationship, we don't know. What I do know is that you def need to go no contact, NO CONTACT! If you need to tell her that you doing this for your own sake, do it. But stay away from her! I know you feel that going NC will make her feel that you don't care but believe me is the other way around. During this time, you heal, recover yourself, you improve yourself, and start worrying about you. She don't want this guy that is promising to change, reading books, and going to therapy. She wants you to show to her, actions speak louder than words! Start focusing on yourself, go to the gym, meet new girls, go out with friends, stay away from her. And do not talk about her with the mother of your son, she will tell her believe me, women are like that. The point is that she feels that you are moving on. More importantly, NO CONTACT, is not mainly to get her back, but for you to heal, to move on; if she does, than time will tell.

[Bingbing]

luisannalui & youareworthy -

 

Thank you both so much. I know I need to let go, and tell her we can't be friends or family. This is so hard to do but needs to be done. There can't be a friendship as long as I still pine away to be back with her, this is not being a friend. My advice to everyone, and the advice I ignored from the get, is when they ask for space give it to them. I feel I could have saved the relationship (maybe not) if I would have given the space and not kept trying to win her back. You can never "win" someones heart back. All it did was allow her to know I would always be there and find someone new who loved her, whether real or not, it makes for a longer climb up the mountain, with possible avalanches or an eruption. After she left she would reach out with friendly texts, but I saw them and pounced, instead of being laid back. This was my nail I'm the coffin. When they leave it is a test. Do you respect my boundaries with needing space? Will you let me miss you? Or will you continue to pressure me and push me away? Then they find someone new, who doesn't pressure them, who isn't begging, who is happy and fun to spend time with, who they don't feel the feeling of guilt when they talk to. If I only knew then what I know now. I'm sure there still is a 1% chance I can get her back, but letting go of the hope is the only way. It's the hope that keeps us begging and contacting. It's the hope that kills any chance for hope. Uggggggg.

[youareworthy]

Bingbing,

 

Your description of what happens when you don't honor someone's request for space is spot on! And it killed me to read it, because it neatly summarizes a breakup of mine, and explains why things ended for good.

 

When they leave it is a test. Do you respect my boundaries with needing space? Will you let me miss you? Or will you continue to pressure me and push me away?

 

I'm sure there still is a 1% chance I can get her back, but letting go of the hope is the only way. It's the hope that keeps us begging and contacting. It's the hope that kills any chance for hope. Uggggggg.

 

These words are like a knife to my heart. At this point I have to believe that if my struggles not to contact him destroyed the relationship, then he and I would not have made it for the long haul anyway.

 

So a better match may be awaiting me down the road.

 

Thanks again for writing what you did, and I am glad that my comments have helped you. A win-win.

 

Youareworthy

[Bingbing]

So . . . Just got a Facebook friend request from the ex. She has always been on facebook, I never was, until she broke up with me. My account is set to private. This makes no sense to me, any thoughts? She is hiking alone for a few weeks in the middle of nowhere. She's been on the trail for a week now. I can't imagine the new 'Love of her life' would be okay with this. I'm not going to accept or deny the request, just going to let it ride. I also plan on staying NC, though about 4 months later than I should have. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head, but know I never will. Maybe she's just f***ing with me, which is obviously working because I am posting this right now. Any ideas or advice???

[youareworthy]

Ignore it. Block her. She knows where you live if she changes her mind. The less contact with her you have, the more quickly you will heal.

 

Don't play over in your mind what she is thinking, what her boyfriend is thinking. Practice the eye scramble, where you sing a song (like Happy Birthday) and flash your eyes quickly back and forth left to right while you sing. This works! I learned about it on YouTube today, and it has already worked to get my thoughts out of a rut. The speaker has a YouTube channel called Confidence on Command.

 

Don't waste any time wondering. It is a dead end where I spent more than a year of my life. Ugh. Time I will never get back that I could have been spending with my young adult children, my 91 year old mother, my two cats, my best friends. Don't surrender your life to dwelling on her. If she is done, then it is over and you must put thoughts of her away.

 

Youareworthy

[lostlove76]

I wouldn't accept it, because you will see things you don't want to see (her and her new bf), and unless you're very strong-willed, you may end up following her every move on there and looking for clues about what she's thinking, which can easily become an addiction. I would just let it ride, like you said. Unfortunately, you never really know what someone is thinking unless they tell you. I would assume she still just wants to be friends, unless and until she tells you otherwise.

[Bingbing]

Looks like the ex didn't even make it a week on her 4 week 'find myself' hike. Just got this text "FYI... I'm back, at least until Friday, but depending on some things, I may not be returning to the trail. So if you want coffee sometime this week, I'm busy, but can make it work." I also heard that she came back because she missed her friends, which I'm guessing is referring to the new bf. So confusing. At this point I feel that I have a few options.

 

1. Go meet up with her.

2. Ignore her and don't respond to the text of fb friend request.

3. Send her a short text saying I'm too busy this week.

4. Send her a long response telling her I don't think it's a good idea, or healthy for either of us to be friends right now, but maybe sometime a long ways into the future.

If anyone has any input I would appriciate it. Also not sure what her motive is? Wish I knew.

[lostlove76]

I would go with #2 or #4. I have very little respect for people who do this kind of thing while in a relationship. Not fair to her bf, not fair to you. Of course, it sounds like you had some overlap in relationships as well, if I'm reading your first post correctly. So mostly it's not fair to her current boyfriend. She needs to pick one guy and stick with it.

[Ms Darcy]

I would go with #2 or #4. I have very little respect for people who do this kind of thing while in a relationship. Not fair to her bf, not fair to you. Of course, it sounds like you had some overlap in relationships as well, if I'm reading your first post correctly. So mostly it's not fair to her current boyfriend. She needs to pick one guy and stick with it.

 

To be fair, the OP did the same thing to her. Was with her and another woman for a while.

 

I actually feel like some of this is a bit of payback on her part for how much you hurt her in the past. Maybe not completely consciously though.

[lostlove76]

To be fair, the OP did the same thing to her. Was with her and another woman for a while.

 

I actually feel like some of this is a bit of payback on her part for how much you hurt her in the past. Maybe not completely consciously though.

 

Yep! That's what I meant by overlap, and why I said it's mostly unfair to her current boyfriend. Assuming he's a nice guy, he's the one who has the potential of being effed over here.

[Bingbing]

Yes, I did do the same thing to her. I broke up with her a few years ago, started dating someone else, then after about 8 months reached out to her because I still loved her. We started talking and spending time together. She wanted to be back with me and so did i, but couldn't end it with the new gf. She started dating someone else, begged her to end it, and told her I would as well. She did, then I strung her along for a bit before we got back together. Not my finest moment, which I am ashamed for. Then we were together for 2-1/2 years until a few months ago when she ended it and started dating him. Obviously we art healthy for each other but I still feel we both love each other. I don't think she is doing this as 'pay back'. She keeps making it clear she is madly in love with him. Already introduced him to her parents. It's moved really fast. Thinking she dived in to mask the pain of out breakup. She stayed in bed not going to work and crying for a week after she broke up with me. I still love her, and just wish I knew what is going on in her head. Wanting to still be my family and my friend. Facebook friend requesting me and asking me out to coffee. Errrrr. What does it all mean? No one knows, I doubt even she knows.

[Ms Darcy]

Yep! That's what I meant by overlap, and why I said it's mostly unfair to her current boyfriend. Assuming he's a nice guy, he's the one who has the potential of being effed over here.

 

Yup. Sometimes payback is a B.

[Robinthehood1]

It sounds like you have uncovered some things about yourself through therapy. I have been (and am now) there myself. Two thoughts: 1) the work never stops. Don't stop with the therapy if even things don't work out. 2). Work on becoming a better man for you, not her. If she chooses that man, great! If not, you will be in the best position to move forward in your life. Good luck.

[shiner501]

Doing nothing is sometimes one of the most powerful things you can do. My serious suggestion to you is to vanish off the face of the earth to her for a few weeks and let some space and distance give you some clarity.

[Wiseman2]

You might consider changing the visibility of the Add Friend button on your account from Everybody to Friends of Friends: click on the padlock on the blue bar at top of a page, select Who can contact me?, then set the visibility for who can send you friend requests

Just got a Facebook friend request from the ex. She has always been on facebook, I never was, until she broke up with me. My account is set to private.

[Bingbing]

Thinking of sending this email, as we still have a few things to sort out and don't really want to ignore her at this point.

 

I'm glad to hear that you made it back. I am really busy this week with far too many obligations, and won't be able to do coffee. I know we talked about it before you left and I would still love to at some point in the future, but it might not be for a while. This is for a few reasons. I'm not at a place where I can be just a true friend to you. A friend supports and listens no matter what. Although I can, and in the future, will be able to, right now it would be too hard and take aways from all the great things I am working on to make myself a better person. I have been doing really well and have been working on being the person I want to be, more caring, considerate, and understanding. I am enjoying this journey of introspection and look forward to some day sharing it with you. I think we probably both need time to be apart for now and figure ourselves out. Well, at least I do, you might already be there. I am moving forward with my life and spending time with you might make me take a step back.

 

I'm happy for you and all that you have done, including your new relationship. I don't want to cause any problems or issues with that, and don't think spending time together would help on that front. I need to continue moving on with me as well. But will continue to support you from a far.

 

This email comes from a place of happiness, and I still have no ill feelings toward you. I would still like us some day to be friends and family like in your email. Maybe in time that will happen, or by then one of us won't want that any longer. I hope it time it will work out and we end up with a stronger bond, with us being close for the rest of our lives.

 

The only things I can think that need to be taken care of now would be me getting the rest of my things out of the house. I was planning on getting them yesterday, and ended up not. And figuring out the house and money. I'm sure you have had plenty of time to think about this now and I would like to know your thoughts and time frame. I have shared with you mine and look forward to hearing back about yours.

 

Thanks again for all the years, sharing your time and heart, and taking me out of the cave and into the light. I hope you get the chance to finish your hike and wish you all the best in the future.

[lostlove76]

^^^ That sounds good to me. It's very clear and to the point, very nice and mature, sounds very honest. Maybe it's best to send something like that and then move forward, because dancing around each other with texts and coffee invites and fb friend requests just keeps things confusing. And it's REALLY REALLY not fair to her current boyfriend. So I would suggest yes, send it, and then be done for now. It's unfortunate that you still have loose ends to tie up about the house and money; make sure not to let any of that turn into an excuse to maintain contact.

 

I've found in the past that sending that type of email or text helped me feel better, and then I was more able to move on. I knew I said what I needed to say, I got it off my chest, I felt good about what I said. And then I could let go.

 

But let's see what others here think.

[Wiseman2]

Great you wrote your thoughts out but please don't send this. It just says I'm licking my wounds,etc...She's seeing someone. If you don't want to 'cause any issue' stop contacting her. Save this for your own journal.

"I don't want to cause any problems or issues with that, and don't think spending time together would help on that front. I need to continue moving on with me as well. But will continue to support you from a far"

[shiner501]

Do not on any account send that email. Emails and letters cause more damage and they address nothing other than you getting something of your chest (and causing more damage to the relationship and pushing the other one further away).

 

The best thing you can do, as everyone here will tell you, is to go completely 100% NC.

[Bingbing]

So, now things have became more interesting. I didn't send the email, instead I sent her a text, keeping it all business and none emotional, about money for the house and needing to get my last few things out. She ignored me for a day, then she is overly nice, sending me pictures of her trip, and tons of texts over the last few days. She want to be there and talk when I go grab my last few things on Sunday. She is confusing the hell out of me. I know she is still with the new guy. What could possibly be going through her head? With the fb friend request, wanting to get coffee, me denying bith, now being super nice and over communicating? Do I continue to act nonchalant, and after I get my stuff go nc, which I have been failing at? Or??? No idea, still love the girl to death.

[youareworthy]

This is very confusing, I am sure. If she is not interested in you romantically (which her long email states) and she is dating someone else, then all of her friendly communications with you are simply hurting you and are unfair to her new boyfriend. It is torturing you with false hopes. If she can't see that, you need to tell her straight out that you cannot be her friend for a long time, and that any communications between you about finances and the house have got to be cold and businesslike, so as not to give you false hope.

 

I suggest retrieving your stuff without her being there. What would happen if she were there? She'd be all friendly and warm, you'd want to kiss her, and she is going to say no because of her boyfriend, and because she can no longer be your romantic partner. All of this is totally unfair to you.

 

After you tell her why you must be cold/business only, make sure that all your side of the interaction is only business. Once the business transactions between you are complete, go into total No Contact.

 

This really sucks. I am so sorry for you.

 

Youareworthy

[Bingbing]

Saw the ex yesterday when I went to get my last few things. Tried to go when she wasn't there, but she insisted on being there. She hugged me aboit 7 times, which felt great. Real loving hugs. She still has the new bf. Told me she wants us to be best friends, I told her she really doesn't want that she just thinks she does, and I feel that it's a bad idea. After I left, texts from her about how she wants to be friends. Texts back and forth. Later on she asked me about a jar of pickles that are at the house, if they are mine and if I want them. I tell her, pickles, why do you think I care about pickles? She sends me a picture of the jar of pickles and if I don't want them she will give them to the food bank. What on earth is going through her mind to think I give a **** about a jar of pickles? Who sends a text to an ex about pickles? This is real, I'm not making it up. Pickles. This is what I needed in order wake the **** up and realize I need to get away from this person. I'm done, and moving on with my life. Sad that I couldn't see it until now, until a jar of pickles got between us. Crazy.

[lostlove76]

The pickles were just an excuse to keep talking to you. She's selfish to be going on and on about wanting to be friends. You can't be friends when one person still has feelings. I'm glad you feel ready now to move on.