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He wants some space


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Ok, so I'm fully expecting some judgey comments. Given my situation, I think it's understandable.

 

I'm posting on here to save me making everything worse than it already is by texting him.

 

My bf and I had split up about 3 months ago and then he came crawling back promising to make it all better. I decided to give it another go and we have been happy the last couple of months. I have been frustrated because he doesn't seem to want to give me the commitment that he'd promised me, but I've bottled it up and kept it to myself. Bad idea probably.

 

I'm studying for a degree alongside my day job and I've been stressed out for the last few weeks with exam revision - but he's been really supportive. My last exam was yesterday and he suggested we went out for a drink to celebrate. 1 drink turned into several and he's not great sometimes with alcohol and he gets quite antagonistic and argumentative. We got back to his apartment and had a huge row. I think all my stress/frustrations and the fact that he was being moody caused me the launch into a tirade of nasty rants at him and I ended up throwing his coffee maker and some glasses across his kitchen. Then I stomped home in the middle of the night.

 

I'm ashamed of my behaviour and all I can think is that he must've been saying something quite horrible to me for me to act like that.

 

I messaged him today to apologise and he replied back saying that he was angry and hurt but he wont make any decisions until he's calmed down (understandable). I'm so angry at myself and I'm confused about what I want and I want to know what's going to happen- are we staying together or not?!?! Obviously I can't force an answer out of him so I've now got to wait it out.

 

I'm upset because it's his birthday next week and we were looking forward to going away together for some much needed quality time with each other.

 

Thanks for listening

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All I'm going to say to you is that when your relationship is so "great" that you are throwing things across the room, maybe, just maybe it's time to recognize that you need to get out of this "great" relationship and move on.

 

Instead of waiting on him to make a decision consider deciding for yourself that this is completely toxic, unhealthy for you and not something that you need in your life. I mean what's next? A domestic violence charge on your record to go along with your new degree and unemployment? You do know that employers do background checks as a routine nowadays and that will kill your job prospects. Stop the madness now and please don't say "but I love him". Love is not enough sometimes and certainly not worth it. Trust me you will get over him and will love someone else without the drama and rage and general insanity.

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I'm ashamed of my behaviour and all I can think is that he must've been saying something quite horrible to me for me to act like that.

 

This is a problem. It makes excuses for your behavior instead of taking responsibility for it.

 

If I heard / read this and was trying to figure out whether to stay with you or not, it would definitely push me in the direction of not.

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Yeah, you need to decompress and take care of yourself and chill. Tempers are flaring fueled by alcohol and that just escalates the whole thing. Relax and don't focus on this right now, just think of it as hot frying pan that needs to cool off before you touch this.

I'm studying for a degree alongside my day job and I've been stressed out for the last few weeks with exam revision
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Well, it obviously was his fault that you destroyed his own property, that's how the world works. Innocent people wrecking stuff and the other party is to blame. I hope this helps you realize just how ridiculous is that tendency to rationalize destructive behavior.

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It sounds like the communication had not been very good since you got back together, since you felt unable to talk to him about what you were feeling. Bottling things up is never a good idea and rarely ends well. I agree with Dancing that rather than waiting on him to decide what's next, you should use this time to really think (as objectively as possible) about the relationship and whether it's good for you. People/relationships that bring out the worst in us are rarely good for us.

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The problem here is simple; you're not compatible. He doesn't want to give you the necessary commitment and you cannot communicate effectively. What happened last night was the strongest indication that you two are not right for each other. If you damaged anything offer to pay him the costs of the damage and then do the right thing and walk away.

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I'm ashamed of my behaviour and all I can think is that he must've been saying something quite horrible to me for me to act like that

 

This is a little contradictory. You are ashamed of your behavior, yet he made you act like that?

Your reaction to what ever he might say, good or bad is a choice. You can't blame him for choosing to throw things.

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So it's not like you just impulsively grabbed something and threw it. You went full on crazy girlfriend mode and threw the coffee maker and then proceeded to throw one glass after the other. Not that it'd be excusable just throwing one thing, but as if having to clean up the broken glass weren't enough, now the poor guy's gotta deal with the caffeine headaches in the morning.

 

Sorry to say, but I don't see him letting you anywhere near his glassware again.

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So it's not like you just impulsively grabbed something and threw it. You went full on crazy girlfriend mode and threw the coffee maker and the proceeded to throw one glass after the other. Not that it'd be excusable just throwing one thing, but as if having to clean up the broken glass weren't enough, now the poor guy's gotta deal with the caffeine headaches in the morning.

 

Sorry to say, but I don't see him letting you anywhere near his glassware again.

 

Sooooo.....just the bed then? Where everything is nice and padded?

 

 

Sorry OP I know this isn't funny for you. Just stop putting all power in other people's hands. Make the decision for yourself on what is and isn't good for you and this relationship just doesn't sound like it's good for you at all. Also, alcohol is a bit like truth serum - repressed anger, resentment, etc - it all came out. Consider that your clue to leave because you are not compatible. Instead of sitting and waiting on someone else, make that decision for yourself because at the end of the day, you will feel better about yourself for doing so.

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But I thought you wrote a couple of days ago that you were an "idiot" and that you made a big mistake taking him back, and that it was all over and you were never looking back?

 

What happened in a couple of days that made you decide you were going back after all?

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This is a problem. It makes excuses for your behavior instead of taking responsibility for it.

 

If I heard / read this and was trying to figure out whether to stay with you or not, it would definitely push me in the direction of not.

 

Hi, my behaviour was inexcusable and deplorable. I've never acted like that before. I'm just trying to make sense of what happened.

 

And I definitely wouldn't blame him for not wanting to speak to me again.

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But I thought you wrote a couple of days ago that you were an "idiot" and that you made a big mistake taking him back, and that it was all over and you were never looking back?

 

What happened in a couple of days that made you decide you were going back after all?

 

I think I've cooled down a lot since. I was obviously not thinking straight when it all happened. I'm just so shocked with myself. It's all so sudden.

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I bet he must have caked his underpants when that coffee maker went into orbit. British women, no wonder I'm still single.

 

I think that says more about British men Not that I'm justifying my actions. Just trying to make light of it.

 

Apparently the Queen used to have massive rows with Prince Philip early on in their marriage and threw a pair of shoes at his head. At least I wasn't aiming for my fella.

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So it's not like you just impulsively grabbed something and threw it. You went full on crazy girlfriend mode and threw the coffee maker and then proceeded to throw one glass after the other. Not that it'd be excusable just throwing one thing, but as if having to clean up the broken glass weren't enough, now the poor guy's gotta deal with the caffeine headaches in the morning.

 

Sorry to say, but I don't see him letting you anywhere near his glassware again.

 

Yeah fair enough. I didn't throw the glasses one after another though- that makes me sound crazier than I already am.

 

I've considered mailing him some money to replace the items. That's the very least I can do.

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I think that says more about British men Not that I'm justifying my actions. Just trying to make light of it.

 

Apparently the Queen used to have massive rows with Prince Philip early on in their marriage and threw a pair of shoes at his head. At least I wasn't aiming for my fella.

 

I know, it's quite funny, but there are serious issues here that need not be ignored. You two aren't compatible and I think it's best if you end things on a positive note and move on with your life.

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I know, it's quite funny, but there are serious issues here that need not be ignored. You two aren't compatible and I think it's best if you end things on a positive note and move on with your life.

 

I know, I get what you're saying. I'm still angry with myself and sad about suddenly not having him in my life. Despite what happened and despite it not being 100% perfect, it was good for the most part.

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I know, I get what you're saying. I'm still angry with myself and sad about suddenly not having him in my life. Despite what happened and despite it not being 100% perfect, it was good for the most part.

 

Look we all do things we aren't proud of, we're all human, we all make mistakes, we've done the wrong thing, it does happen. What happened was a result of pent up frustration at your inability to communicate effectively and him to deliver on what he promised you. Now if you two can come to your senses and learn to improve where necessary maybe you can make things work out. I'm inclined to walk away from such situations myself because I believe if a couple is meant to be together, they wouldn't split up in the first place and would work through their problems, but what do I know? I'm just one man. Whatever happens, I hope everything works out for you.

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All relationship speculation aside...

 

Use your actions as an opportunity to delve further and see what within YOU caused the action. Think of it as a teachable moment. To say you have never done that before, doesn't meaning that a feeling was not inside of you that could do these actions. And I agree with others, alcohol plays a big component in this. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, I mean, you did damage his property so I think you should fully own that and replace it as has been suggested. Use this as a wake up call not to let your emotions (or alcohol) get the best of you and start thinking and behaving logically.

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I know, I get what you're saying. I'm still angry with myself and sad about suddenly not having him in my life. Despite what happened and despite it not being 100% perfect, it was good for the most part.

 

oooh boy.....if it was good for the most part, you wouldn't have had this volcanic eruption. Long past due to admit to yourself that no, it really wasn't good at all.

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I've gotten into heated arguments but I have never got physical, not with people or possessions, but if someone did that to my property, I'd be bloody furious... Your lucky he didn't retaliate buy grabbing something and throwing it at you.

 

You should offer to pay for the damage.

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