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Complicated situation driving me crazy


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I've been feeling terrible for the past three weeks and I need someone to give me some input about what to do.


I met this guy a while ago. We became good friends right away. Let's call him J. J had a lot of troubles. He had just lost his job, his sister had died and his girlfriend had cheated on him so he couldn't stay at his own apartment anymore. I offered for him to stay at my apartment for a while until things get better. Our friendship was so great that in time, it started to evolve to the point that we were both wondering if we shouldn't be a couple. He would cook for me, bring me back treats after work, we did face masks together, and we had conversations together until 4AM in the morning almost every day. We bought a plane ticket together, and said we would travel all over the world until next year, when we would settle in together in southern France. It was the kind of relationship you see in movies. We were inseparable.


Three weeks ago a friend of mine came to visit me. I've known her for 17 years and she is one of my closest friends. Let's call her E. She came to stay with us in my apartment and she immediately noticed how close me and that guy were. She started to talk to us individually, encouraging us to talk about being a couple. I told her I wasn't sure, that I didn't want to destroy my friendship, and that maybe it would be better for me to stay friends with J. I also said I would think about it and talk together with J about what to do. I told her not to tell him anything.


Two days later, the three of us were talking, and J suddenly came out and told me he'd thought about our relationship for a long time and that it was best for us to be friends. He said he wanted to be with me forever and protect me from harm forever, and that I was like a sister to him. I was a little surprised and disappointed, but I said I didn't mind.


The next day, J and E announced to me that they had been dating behind my back. E had told J that I only saw him as a friend, and they'd started dating. They'd kissed many times, talked about having sex, and J had confessed his love to her. They asked me for their blessing to be a couple. He also said he wanted to cancel his plans with me and move in with E in Paris and marry her. This was exactly two weeks after they'd met. I was so shocked and felt so betrayed by both of them.... It was the worst feeling ever. I said this felt really weird to me, and I couldn't agree to it. I said me and J had made plans together, and that he should honor them. I cried so much and told him he was really hurting me. In the end, he told me that I was more important to him than E and that he would honor his commitment to me.


Last Saturday night the tension between the three of us was so bad I asked J to move out for one night, until E could go home. He moved out, and E and I were finally able to talk to try and mend our friendship. She said many bad things about him, like she never wanted to see him again unless me and J could be friends again like before. She called him a womanizer and said he had been saying things behind my back to her.


On Monday, J and I met to talk. He took his things back to my apartment. I told him I much I was disappointed in him and how hurt I felt. He said he had trouble understanding what had happened for the past three weeks, that it seemed like a nightmare from a K-drama. I told him what E had told me about him, that she didn't have feelings for him, and that I was hurt he'd almost chosen her over me when he barely even knew her. He broke down in tears and cried how sorry he was for everything that had happened. He said I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and that he'd never meant to hurt me. I told him it would be a good idea for him to go to back to his country for a week, before we leave for our world travel, to clear his mind. He booked a flight and is leaving on Friday.


We both decided that we would consider our relationship during his absence, and what to do from now on. He told me to decide what I wanted and if I had feelings for him. He said he saw me as just a friend, but if I wanted to be in a relationship with him he'd be ok with it. Since E left, our relationship dramatically improved, but it's still not perfect. I lost all the trust I had in him. He said I should try to make a decision by next week, when he'll come back.


We're going to be spending the next four months together 24h/day together, and I'm not sure what to do. I definitely feel like it's too late for us to be a couple. When I'm with him, I know that I want more from the relationship physically, but at the same time he betrayed me too much for me to ever be with him romantically. I'm not even sure if I still want him as a friend to be honest, no matter how good our relationship is/was. What would you guys do?

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Unfortunately it sounds like he just needs a friend for now to stay with while he's unemployed and got kicked out of his place. But he along with this other friend don't sound like very good friends. I would reflect why people using you, betraying you, and stringing you along is acceptable.

He had just lost his job. I offered for him to stay at my apartment.He said he saw me as just a friend.
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Personally, I'm slightly shocked at the behaviour of both J and E.


My gut feel is to break off all contact with J. Whether you retain a friendship with E after what happened... I think it would be nice if you could, based on the length of time you've known each other, and the fact that she was one of your closest friends. If I was in your position, I'd imagine I'd have E on serious probation for a little while because of what she's done/said around this guy and for hiding dating from you.


I'd love to give a scientific/rational answer, but I'm going with gut feel. Good luck! xx

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