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is this the end


john45

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My partner and I have been talking over the last couple of days about whether we can get back living together or not. I don't really see it working out, adding up both our kids situations as they are now, our views of them and the shadows from the past we still have.

 

A couple of years after separating from my then-wife, we started a long-term relationship (10 years), lived together for 7 of those, and split up almost 3 years ago, mainly because of disagreements around our kids (we had 2 children each, and ended up all living together)

 

After a 4-5 month break, we kind of started seeing each other again (neither of us had started seeing anyone else).

 

There are still issues around our relvant kids, even though they are all now 18-21.

 

I get on probably better with both of my own kids now than at any point for a long time. The worry of losing some of that is in my head, though I also have a conflucting thought about them getting older and being more distant anyway.

 

My relationship with my partner's son has always been challenging. I think we like each other, but are awkward around each other also. He can be arrogant, smokes weed, sometimes uses LSD, and some of the time just wants to live his life without compromising for other people, but remains living at home. At 20, he's never really stuck at anything for very long (but then again... I don't think I did at that exact age!)

 

I'm not perfect by any means. I probably present a veneer of being ok with anything, but I'm slightly traditionalist in some ways, so I'm not ok with a highly chaotic household, I'm somewhat judgemental about drugs and I do like an element of routine in my life, expecially in the week itself - I have a pressured city job.

 

The more I think about this (and type it), the more I start to think that there isn't hope here.

 

I'm prepared to be a little more flexible, but I know I'd resent totally changing the way I am. I can't think of what sort of short-term change about her son's situation would make me feel more confident. It feels like there's an ultimatum here, so I'm struggling to weigh up all the thoughts and figure out where to take this.

 

Since I can't totally accept my partner because of her son, and I can't see any resolution or hope for this, is there any hope?

 

Or do I just need to get realistic. Scared of being alone, but this just feels horrible wrong right now.

 

Thanks for reading.

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John, what exactly is scary about being alone?

 

If its the right thing to do, then it would be ok. I know I'd miss talking to someone I'm used to being close to - I think that's the main scary thing.

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I won't comment on the kids thing. But as far as starting over I did it at 33 and again at 49. It sucks but it's better than being in a relationship that doesn't work. There's lots of people out there. No need to be alone if you don't want to be.

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Only you can decide John. I don't think I could live in that sort of chaos. You have a pressured job. Don't you think you deserve a little peace?

 

And this sounds mightmarish:

 

"He can be arrogant, smokes weed, sometimes uses LSD, and some of the time just wants to live his life without compromising for other people, but remains living at home. At 20, he's never really stuck at anything for very long"

 

Why is this man being enabled? I ask. He is behaving the way he is behaving because he CAN, and because he is being allowed to do so. What will he be like at 30? At 40?

 

Do not discuss any further getting back to living together. The whole situation is a non-starter.

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Why not just continue dating with the idea of living together after her 20 year old moves out. Either that will be enough incentive for GF to help her adult son launch, or not.

 

You're the one with the best insight as to whether that's even a possible option.

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Why not just continue dating with the idea of living together after her 20 year old moves out. Either that will be enough incentive for GF to help her adult son launch, or not.

 

You're the one with the best insight as to whether that's even a possible option.

 

I don't think that's a possible option - my partner is looking for more commitment from me, and I don't think I can do that right now. Her son could move out in a couple of months time and fly the nest, or be a fixture for the next xx years. His father has dropped all contact with him, so Mum is his only accomodation and support option. I actually like him, but don't want to get dragged too far into his situations and supporting him. giving your kids/strepkids help - goes with the territory. I think this is just feeling a bit too much and never-ending (or not-likely to end).

 

Thanks.

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I don't think that's a possible option - my partner is looking for more commitment from me, and I don't think I can do that right now. Her son could move out in a couple of months time and fly the nest, or be a fixture for the next xx years. His father has dropped all contact with him, so Mum is his only accomodation and support option. I actually like him, but don't want to get dragged too far into his situations and supporting him. giving your kids/strepkids help - goes with the territory. I think this is just feeling a bit too much and never-ending (or not-likely to end).

 

Thanks.

 

You could say, "I adore you and can see us together in the future. You can decide whether to continue seeing one another as we are now, or to walk away while we both still think highly of one another in order to preserve that potential. Meanwhile, I'm not willing to take on a dependant adult. You can decide whether you'll launch your son into the world to take care of himself, or not. When that happens, we can celebrate if we're still together, or you can contact me, and if I'm still available, we can meet to catch up. It's your call."

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