No, but seriously...where is mhowe??

[reinventmyself]

I have to share something.

I am currently having a hard time and though I journal here and a handful of people give me feedback, I don't dare post publically.

The couple times I did, I pretty much got slaughtered.

 

Just out of curiosity, I went to a totally different forum website this week and publicly posted my latest issue.

The responses were warm, heartfelt and encouraging. I was really moved by it.

 

I feel sad that I don't believe I would have gotten the same type of response here.

This place I spend so much time on.

 

Having said that, I do appreciate some of the tough love attitudes here, but some, maybe too many cross the line and forget that a lot of people come here in a great deal of pain.

 

Miss you Mhowe. Hope you are having a great summer!

[Seraphim]

I agree a lot of people come here in great pain and don't need somebody to kick sand in their face.

 

We used to have another administrator here , avman. He still sometimes comes around. He used to say there is not one universal "truth " ,your truth is true for you. But when you hand it to somebody else it's an opinion. A bit of hard reality can be given to someone with a bit of comfort in it.

[ThatwasThen]

I though Mhowe and Wiseman2 were one and the same? You mean they aren't?

[John John]

I have to share something.

I am currently having a hard time and though I journal here and a handful of people give me feedback, I don't dare post publically.

The couple times I did, I pretty much got slaughtered.

 

Just out of curiosity, I went to a totally different forum website this week and publicly posted my latest issue.

The responses were warm, heartfelt and encouraging. I was really moved by it.

 

I feel sad that I don't believe I would have gotten the same type of response here.

This place I spend so much time on.

 

Having said that, I do appreciate some of the tough love attitudes here, but some, maybe too many cross the line and forget that a lot of people come here in a great deal of pain.

 

Miss you Mhowe. Hope you are having a great summer!

 

You're not alone reinvent. I've been "slaughtered" on here too. You're not the only one. Some people just misread or misinterpret what we say and then go to town on us, make assumptions about us, etc.

[reinventmyself]

You're not alone reinvent. I've been "slaughtered" on here too. You're not the only one. Some people just misread or misinterpret what we say and then go to town on us, make assumptions about us, etc.

 

I can sense when someone projects their own experience onto others in a way to exercise their own pain.

It's really unfortunate and not the purpose of a support forum. (that is what this is, isn't it?

It's a little irresponsible of them and if they can't be objective they ought to take a step back and reevaluate.

[musicman777]

You're not alone reinvent. I've been "slaughtered" on here too. You're not the only one. Some people just misread or misinterpret what we say and then go to town on us, make assumptions about us, etc.

 

Haha, I am one of those people that don't hold back. That is one of the few things I stuck around here for. You know, on here, I would rather tell people the brutal and honest truth, and receive the same in return. I don't beat around the bush. I've faced reality quite a bit with forums, that there are faces and people behind messages, and I try to remember that. I want people to actually be happy and find a resolution to their problems as well.

 

What I don't try to do is, number one, make false assumptions about peoples predicaments/situations, as you said. I remember a certain forum member doing that to me on here once in private messages. I won't say who and I don't see this person come around too much more anyway, but it got kind of annoying. This person made up a lot of false assumptions about not only my life but someone I was interested in at the time and how that person felt towards me. They were getting a bit overboard on their assumptions and I was getting kind of mad actually. If anything, it was making my predicament harder instead of easier. Being on the receiving end of that, I always try to only use facts about what a person said and not how it might be.

 

The second thing I do on here is to try to avoid sticking my nose where it don't belong. There are sub-forums on here for those that are suicidal and people who have marriage/parenting questions and things. I wouldn't want to bring out my tell-all attitude with people who are potentially suicidal, so I avoid that forum. It also makes me kind of sad/depressed reading some of those posts. And although I occasionally weigh in on marriage problems and post involving kids, I try to avoid those as well. I've never been married nor have I ever had children, and I don't know if I ever have any, either. I don't have the life experience to really be shredding apart people who have marriage problems or concerns of children/babies and whatnot. Although I have worked with kids quite extensively and I also have tow nieces under 10 years old, I've never held the title of "dad" before.

 

And to the post at hand, yes, maybe mhowe is just taking a break. I remember I signed up on here, posted for a while, then disappeared for, heck, I think two years at least. Now I'm back and I come by frequently just to see what's going on and so forth.

[Cynder]

In 12 years here I have learned to take things people say with a grain of salt. I have taken multiple breaks from this place over the years. There have been times when the general attitude was a lot snarlier than it is now.

 

I think one of the worst things a poster here ever told me was that I have made nothing but bad life decisions ever since I was a teenager. Um... I would still love to know how they came to that conclusion, considering I didn't post here as a teenager and chances are they didn't know me as a teenager. I was raised in a strict Catholic household. I was an honor student (in fact my grades were so good I got a full ride scholarship to art school.) I never had sex until after I was 20. I never used drugs. I never snuck out. I never skipped school. I was such a stupidly good kid. My parents watched my every move and I wasn't even allowed to keep my bedroom door closed (because privacy is a privilege and we don't keep secrets in this house, according to my parents.) I was active in my church. I was a CCD (Catholic Sunday School) teacher's aid and I sang in the choir. So, how I made bad life decisions as a teenager is beyond me... and it really made me angry that someone who doesn't even know me, on an internet forum meant for support, would say that about me.

 

I was in a Polyamorous relationship for a while. An open relationship, in other words. For a while I had a husband, a male FWB, and a girlfriend. They all knew about each other. (Yes, I grew out of being a good Catholic girl if you haven't guessed, lol) But every time I posted here about that situation, my threads just got crazy. I had one poster who was outright hostile to me multiple times (we are talking name calling, the whole nine yards) and she was never once infracted that I know of. I even had a Moderator PM me once and tell me not to worry about her because she's "a nitwit." I put her on my ignore list and was done with it.

 

It is easier to kick someone you can't see. I recently went through a bad breakup. And four months after I was doing fine, but then I had this one week where I was just sad a lot and crying every day. It came out of nowhere. I posted about it here (this was just recently, actually) and got some great advice from some people. But some posters told me I need medication, and I should stop obsessing over my ex, and that I was in denial of the fact that my ex was an abuser. Um... he wasn't an abuser. My therapist even agrees that my ex was not abusive. Him not returning texts, being stingy with money, and being just a generally lazy person does not equal abuse. And everyone grieves differently. If after four months I randomly am sad for a week, who cares? It's not an excuse to go get on meds, IMO.

 

I only give advice here when I have something relevant to say. I don't know squat about raising children, for example, so I wouldn't even bother giving advice in the parenting forum.

 

Anyways... that is a long standing member's opinion on some of the things that go on here. I doubt this will matter to most. But I just wanted to weigh in.

[Cynder]

I have to share something.

I am currently having a hard time and though I journal here and a handful of people give me feedback, I don't dare post publically.

The couple times I did, I pretty much got slaughtered.

 

Just out of curiosity, I went to a totally different forum website this week and publicly posted my latest issue.

The responses were warm, heartfelt and encouraging. I was really moved by it.

 

I feel sad that I don't believe I would have gotten the same type of response here.

This place I spend so much time on.

 

Having said that, I do appreciate some of the tough love attitudes here, but some, maybe too many cross the line and forget that a lot of people come here in a great deal of pain.

 

Miss you Mhowe. Hope you are having a great summer!

 

I had a similar experience once. I posted something here about finding creative ways to balance running my business with being in a relationship. Boy did I get raked over the coals. I couldn't believe some people's snarky replies. It was nuts. I posted the exact same thread of Reddit (a site with way less strict moderation than here) and everyone there was really kind and helpful. I don't even know...

[IAmFCA]

It's a mixed bag sometimes. Even when what I have heard feels off, it almost always has had a kernel of truth in it too. It is hard when we aren't ready to hear it, or when we are in pain, or already holding our self respect together with a frayed thread... And yes, we can get rather dramatic. But then, have you ever been home for thanksgiving dinner (us/Canada, anyway)?

[youareworthy]

Today I typed mhowe in the search box with this same concern. I am pleasantly surprised that I miss her.

 

When I found ENA, I was in terrible pain. Before writing my questions, I read others' threads on the topics. After reading the answers, I didn't trust that I could write about the issues and receive answers that didn't greatly increase my pain.

 

After 9 months I feel safer here, as I have seen the goodwill of the ENA community, and as I have felt friendship and respect from you guys. I have now felt comfortable enough to post about my life in an abusive marriage, my painfully-won strategies for getting over an ex, my being molested by a pedophile, and most recently, the challenges of life with ADHD. With each post, I have felt terrified of exposing myself to the world, but I did it because I felt the OPs needed to hear about my pain and its lessons, or because someone specifically PM'd me for advice. So far no one has slaughtered me for what some people must surely think are absurdly poor life skills or choices.

 

There are still two or three issues that I have not discussed. Perhaps down the road. Or maybe never.

 

Early on, I felt mhowe would be too harsh if I bared my soul. But as I got to know her better, especially in PMs, I saw a very warm and encouraging side of her. I also grew to respect her points of view, because a few times she would be the lone voice telling a poster, "She won't come back" or something like that, and sure enough, precisely what she predicted in her characteristically succinct, no nonsense voice, happened. After I saw this 3 or 4 times, I realized that mhowe has a keen interpersonal insight; she expresses it tartly. This can be overwhelming for hurting newcomers. Some of us don't take bitter medicine easily, and really need that spoonful of sugar to make it go down and have its effect.

 

I agree with Victoria that each of us is able to add a little dash of compassion to our answers.

 

ITIC, I know, right? I have been on the receiving end of several blindsiding attacks from one sister in particular. I now make sure she doesn't have any opportunities. But the rest of my large family is lovely. What IS it about Thanksgiving? It ought to be such a lovely day.

 

If you are able to, we would love for you to come back, MHowe!

[IAmFCA]

Today I typed mhowe in the search box with this same concern. I am pleasantly surprised that I miss her.

 

When I found ENA, I was in terrible pain. Before writing my questions, I read others' threads on the topics. After reading the answers, I didn't trust that I could write about the issues and receive answers that didn't greatly increase my pain.

 

After 9 months I feel safer here, as I have seen the goodwill of the ENA community, and as I have felt friendship and respect from you guys. I have now felt comfortable enough to post about my life in an abusive marriage, my painfully-won strategies for getting over an ex, my being molested by a pedophile, and most recently, the challenges of life with ADHD. With each post, I have felt terrified of exposing myself to the world, but I did it because I felt the OPs needed to hear about my pain and its lessons, or because someone specifically PM'd me for advice. So far no one has slaughtered me for what some people must surely think are absurdly poor life skills or choices.

 

There are still two or three issues that I have not discussed. Perhaps down the road. Or maybe never.

 

Early on, I felt mhowe would be too harsh if I bared my soul. But as I got to know her better, especially in PMs, I saw a very warm and encouraging side of her. I also grew to respect her points of view, because a few times she would be the lone voice telling a poster, "She won't come back" or something like that, and sure enough, precisely what she predicted in her characteristically succinct, no nonsense voice, happened. After I saw this 3 or 4 times, I realized that mhowe has a keen interpersonal insight; she expresses it tartly. This can be overwhelming for hurting newcomers. Some of us don't take bitter medicine easily, and really need that spoonful of sugar to make it go down and have its effect.

 

I agree with Victoria that each of us is able to add a little dash of compassion to our answers.

 

ITIC, I know, right? I have been on the receiving end of several blindsiding attacks from one sister in particular. I now make sure she doesn't have any opportunities. But the rest of my large family is lovely. What IS it about Thanksgiving? It ought to be such a lovely day.

 

If you are able to, we would love for you to come back, MHowe!

 

Well said, YAW. The sugar is both helpful to get the medicine down, and a potential distraction from the clarity laid plain when starkly written. Tough love.

[Lester]

Mhowe slapped me down a few times.

I needed it, and will most likely need it again.

 

You can't learn humility in a vacuum.

It's takes all types of people to help us with our special needs.

 

Considering how many, and the different the backgrounds and events that lead them here, the owner/mods/supporters do an incredible job!

[IAmFCA]

Mhowe slapped me down a few times.

I needed it, and will most likely need it again.

 

You can't learn humility in a vacuum.

It's takes all types of people to help us with our special needs.

 

Considering how many, and the different the backgrounds and events that lead them here, the owner/mods/supporters do an incredible job!

 

Hear hear.

 

I do enjoy your responses, btw. Thoughtful and results oriented.

[Moontiger]

I've been thinking about Mhowe a lot. We used to PM each other for back up on certain threads, lol. I hope she's just taking a break and will be back soon.

[IAmFCA]

I've been thinking about Mhowe a lot. We used to PM each other for back up on certain threads, lol. I hope she's just taking a break and will be back soon.

 

Yes, I PMd her awhile back. Wishing her well with whatever is unfolding, whether tough or easy.

 

Decided not to fill in the gaps about where/why she is away, could be anything. I did sense that her posts were becoming more terse, and I wondered if it reflected an increasing tension elsewhere in her life. That's my overthinking nature. So I let that go and decided to simply wish well, as I certainly do.

[ParisPaulette]

I miss her fiercely. When my mother was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's it was mhowe who gave me the first, FIRST, true advice about what I was in for and how it was going to be. For that she will always hold a special place in my heart, so wherever you are my friend, mhowe, I've learned to pace myself in the triathlon that is my mother and I's journey and I'm actually able to keep my ahead above water and keep moving forward with my mom now. You were right, it's not a sprint, it's a marathon.

 

She reminds me of an old neighbor of mine, a no-nonsense woman who was very honest and sometimes a bit ly and abrasive. And I still remember the night our other neighbor's house caught fire and that woman was the one who rang the firetrucks, raced over with a freaking fire extinguisher, shouted so the neighbors could hear her voice and follow it outside to safety. Afterwards she ran around the neighborhood gathering food and blankets and donations for the family, helped us all by finding out what they needed.

 

So yeah, I bet mhowe would be like that too in a situation. No nonsense, blunt, but that woman has a good center and at the end of the day to me that's all that matters. She threw me a life line when I was drowning, because she'd been there herself and understood what I was going through and would continue to go through.

 

Mhowe, wherever you are, you are loved by this woman. I know we've only ever met on here, but trust me when I say your advice is still what kept me from totally breaking down one very dark night in a hospital room full of doctors and tests and overwhelming heartache.

 

I wish you only the best and happiness. Peace out, Paris

[boltnrun]

I love mhowe's no-nonsense approach.

 

I don't believe that sugar-coating and/or blowing sunshine up someone's butt is helpful. But it isn't necessary to be rude or mean either.

 

I've been accused of being mean when I spoke plainly (such as, "why is it only now that she's/he's had enough of you taking her/him for granted and left you that you suddenly realize you 'love' her/him??"). I won't pretend everything's sunshine and roses, but if I sense someone's getting upset with my responses I'll just leave the thread.

 

So, enough about me! Just wanted to explain why I appreciated mhowe's style.

 

I hope she is doing well and will someday come back to say hello.

[Doc Blaze]

We always agreed with everything usually when we posted in threads..we kind of had the same approach to things..both IMO believers of tough love. i dont usually post on here with my issues but it took some courage to post my last thread and the way Mhowe approached the situation kind of rubbed me the wrong way..idk it didnt seem like her..not too long after she left.

[Snny]

I had one poster who was outright hostile to me multiple times (we are talking name calling, the whole nine yards) and she was never once infracted that I know of. I even had a Moderator PM me once and tell me not to worry about her because she's "a nitwit." I put her on my ignore list and was done with it.

I know who you're talking about. I don't think a mod would call that person a "nitwit" either.

[Doc Blaze]

I know who you're talking about. I don't think a mod would call that person a "nitwit" either.

 

 

you never know what actually goes on behind the scenes...in PM