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Has anyone ever totally given up on finding love?


musicman777

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Hello everyone! Well I been wanting to post this for a few weeks now. I don't really know how to say it or word it. But, who here has or knows someone that has actually given up on "finding love"? Has anyone ever reached the absolute tipping point, where they just said "screw it, this isn't worth it"? And they just never went on to date someone ever again, or ever looked for someone? And even if someone came along, they would just say "you're not worth the risk?"

 

I ask because, I have honest-to-god reached that point, or feel very much like it. To put it in the most simple words possible, I developed a stomach ulcer not long ago; I have not told anyone this but a few close friends/family. I hate talking about this at all. And it was caused by, guess what? Extreme stress levels due to my dating setbacks. My doctor was in 100% agreement with that when we talked about it, and yes, I get, or used to get THAT aggravated with dating mishaps. I mean, I get an enormous combination of upset, depressed, worried, and irritated with any dating adventures. It seems like everything I try to do whether it happens "naturally" or not to find a nice woman ends in complete disaster one way or another. I developed such a toxic/negative attitude about the subject anymore that I basically started having physical problems with myself.

 

Now here's the thing; I'm not miserable/unhappy. I have a good life. I never felted I *needed* someone to be happy. It's just, that last piece of the puzzle. And the older I get, the more I fear it won't happen to me, getting into my late 20's here, and reading and hearing depressing things about people failing to find anyone into their 40's and even 50's. But since I got this stomach ailment, I've kind of forced myself to get rid of these thoughts/feelings. I have to, I can't drive myself physically ill from this bull crap anymore.

 

I don't know, does this sound crazy? I don't know what to do with myself anymore but just totally give up at this point. I don't know, sometimes I feel I need a therapist or something but my insurance will not pay for it. But, I have officially hit rock bottom with my romantic side. I don't want to give up at life; I want to do and accomplish great things. I don't feel worthless. It's JUST the romantic mindset. I don't feel "desperate" to find someone so much as it just's just like, time is running out and a man can only take so many failures in something. I don't know what else to say at this point. I feel like a talking about this. A grown man in science and I can't handle dating problems and feelings. I wish I could just turn this part of my brain off permanently and enjoy all the other ventures in life. At this point, I'm desperately trying to.

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Aaah, Musicman, put up that post in 10 years' time and we could look at the situation lol.

You are young! Yes! "Time running out" lol.

 

Try not to fret about the "dating scene", whatever that is. The harder one looks the less likely one finds.

 

Your health is first and foremost.

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Change your mind set and fill it with optimism and positive thinking. Time will come, don't worry. And if it doesn't, that's ok too.

 

Embrace and accept whatever happens. You will be so much better off.

 

Esencially you are creating your own pressure and giving yourself anxiety (completely normal btw hehe)

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I don't know anyone personally who has given up on love, but over the years here on ENA there have been numerous people who claimed they were giving up. Seems to be more and more common these days (on ENA). I think too many times people get too caught up in desperately wanting something that it tends to backfire - trying too hard = desperate vibe = people sense it and turn away = back to square one etc.

 

I agree with Hermes: The harder one looks the less likely one finds.

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You are way too young to be having this kind of thoughts! The more pressure you put on yourself to find a partner, the longer it will take to find one and as you can see, you aren't doing your health any favors.

All you need to do is put yourself in situations where you can meet people (men and women). Meaning, don't just stay home and hope someone would come along. Be out and about, hang out with friends, and focus on relaxing and having fun, with or without a female. Women like seeing men who have fun with their buddies, and steer clear of guys who are clearly on the prowl and desperate to meet someone. If funny, but we can smell a guy who tries too hard from a distance!

 

Don't give 'finding love' a second thought. Just go about living your life, fixing your health problems and enjoy everything you do. It may sound old school and whatnot, but I always found it to be true, for myself and everyone else I know: love happens when you least expect it.

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It's no big surprise that I've reached the same conclusion, even if it were for different reasons and not in any way connected to my health. Sorry to hear about your ulcer, musicman.

 

Yes, I believe that all the stress and effort is not worth it in the long run, especially with what little is there to gain. It's not exactly easy to get rid of these thoughts completely but it should be doable, as long as you consciously avoid thinking about relationships. I got the feeling from our previous exchanges that you are not the type to sit on your hands all day and fill your mind with depressive ideas and being quite busy with work and commissions seems to do the trick for me. Focus on whatever makes you happy and whenever that gloom threatens to get hold of you, get busy with something else.

 

As for meeting new people, I wouldn't overestimate that either (along with those other, far too common platitudes and deepities about not looking). I for one prefer not to bother my friends with the fact that I am single and aside from meeting someone clairvoyant, I can't imagine a situation where a possible romantic partner figures out that I am looking.

 

As a side note, I can't help but take a jab at the fact that you posted in one of my threads that one can't give up. And yet here we are.

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As for meeting new people, I wouldn't overestimate that either (along with those other, far too common platitudes and deepities about not looking). I for one prefer not to bother my friends with the fact that I am single and aside from meeting someone clairvoyant, I can't imagine a situation where a possible romantic partner figures out that I am looking..

 

Those are not platitudes and deepities, they are facts based on experiences. I met most of my boyfriends when I couldn't care less about meeting anyone; every time I went out with the intent to meet someone and dolled up and tried, I never met anyone. So there.

As for meeting new people, that's always a good idea. Nobody says you have to burden your friends with your singledom and desire to meet women, but what's wrong with going out with a bunch of guys to enjoy a beer? Nobody needs to discuss their relationship status, it's about having fun; if while having fun you happen to meet someone, great! If not, great again. You've just had yourself a nice night with your friends.

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I am right there. I had a failed marriage of 8 years. Then husband became too curious about what else might be out there. It took me ages to trust and open up to anyone again, but I did after a very long time. I was with this next man for one year, and I found him writing to another woman and telling her he found her very attractive and wanted to be more than friends. I am too tired for more and I don't think my heart can take more. I am sorry to be such a downer, but if nothing else, I can sure relate.

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Yes, after the last relationship I was in before the current one finally ended for good.

 

I gave up so hard I pulled up stakes, moved my family into the middle of nowhere and took on the impossible of trying to rebuild an abandoned ranch. In part I deliberately chose some solitude and distance from people. I did still try dating for a short time, but after I realized I had enough stand up comedy material to last me 50 shows--and I wouldn't even be trying or breaking a sweat--I gave up.

 

Thought, "Screw it. I'm just going to go do what I want to do and the heck with all of it." Took an art class and met my husband. A man who frankly I'd have walked right by if I wasn't somewhat finally sane at that point.

 

Occasionally I think people need to reset their lives. That can happen naturally or sometimes one is forced to do so, but it can help. Or at least it did for me and two friends in a similar position.

 

And I'm not going to give you the platitudes of "you'll find them when you least expect it" or blah-blah-blah cliché, cliché, cliché. I won't insult your intelligence and frankly I'm not really thinking that's true of everyone or for everyone.

 

But what is is true is to go live your life, enjoy it, find a few activities that bring you into regular contact with people. That's where I always met someone. Online dating and blind dates? Yeah, even random phone numbers back when I was young enough to attract those? Never went anywhere for me, because I need to have some inkling of who a person is to begin with before I really feel comfortable enough and confident enough to relax and enjoy it and maybe get that second date.

 

With my husband I asked him out for coffee after watching him out of the corner of my eye for two months. (or was it three?) He accepted, we just sort of flowed into it, because we each knew the other well enough at that point to know there were no serious red flags and we'd both taken care of any baggage we had before meeting each other.

 

So far it's worked.

 

All I can tell you is to live your life, enjoy it, find things to do that you enjoy but don't do something only and solely for the purpose of "I must meet someone." Or you're going to be disappointed and sometimes you'll miss out on good things you wouldn't have if you hadn't been so focused on "meeting someone."

 

Case in point half my trip to Europe in my younger years was wasted on feeling bad, because I hadn't had any holiday hookups like the rest of my group. I was such an idiot I p**sed away a once in a lifetime experience moping about and feeling sorry for myself. If I could go back in time I'd smack my younger self and tell her to get over it and get out there and live.

 

I did finally enjoy myself after discovering scuba diving though. So there's that.

 

Really all I can tell you is to learn to enjoy what you have, who you have in your life, and see where the road takes you. And maybe if you find yourself stagnating a bit, it might be time to get out of the pool and see what else is out there.

 

Just my two cents.

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Easy on Paulette lol.

 

Such encounters do happen when least expected.

An old friend of mine met her husband in a lift, heh heh. They've been married must be 34 years now.

 

I wasn't looking, but...there you go, I was introduced out of the blue to this man who became my husband.

 

Another long-time friend fell across this man's outstretched legs in a dimly lit coffee shop. He gallantly rose to his feet and caught her before she hit the ground lol. Married over 30 years.

 

I could fill a book with "least expected" encounters like that.

 

I do agree with you:

 

"......don't do something only and solely for the purpose of "I must meet someone." Or you're going to be disappointed "

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Those are not platitudes and deepities, they are facts based on experiences. I met most of my boyfriends when I couldn't care less about meeting anyone; every time I went out with the intent to meet someone and dolled up and tried, I never met anyone. So there.

As for meeting new people, that's always a good idea. Nobody says you have to burden your friends with your singledom and desire to meet women, but what's wrong with going out with a bunch of guys to enjoy a beer? Nobody needs to discuss their relationship status, it's about having fun; if while having fun you happen to meet someone, great! If not, great again. You've just had yourself a nice night with your friends.

 

In that case I have to introduce you to this And to clarify, I'm not against meeting new people and making friends, though I do not hold any hope that those connections will turn into something more. If you have zero expectations, you can't be disappointed.

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If you have zero expectations, you can't be disappointed.

 

Well that's absolutely true, and sort of where I was going with my post: don't go out with expectations, don't go out with the specific purpose of meeting someone, go to have fun, go to see your friends, go to try a specific dish or desert, just go to enjoy the experience of whatever it is you're doing, and not to meet someone to date. If it happens great if not great again; if you didn't go in with certain expectations, you won't be disappointed.

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OP, I gave up on relationships ten years ago--so, when I was your age, roughly. I can't say that I've regretted it.

 

Back when I decided this, a lot of people told me that it was just some phase that I was going through. Granted, I gave up on the idea of marriage and kids when I was a teenager, and people told me that was just a phase, as well...

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And to clarify, I'm not against meeting new people and making friends, though I do not hold any hope that those connections will turn into something more. If you have zero expectations, you can't be disappointed.

 

This is actually more what I was trying to say. It's just too many times when I was single people would trot out the cliches to give me "hope." And then of course I tried too hard to "just let it happen" while it didn't really happen, because I wasn't really just relaxed and enjoying myself.

 

Just enjoy life, all of it, and see where the road takes you.

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My daughter who is a bit older then you has told me that she is giving up. Her attitude is that there is no normal men out there and that she is tired of dealing with the weirdos. Its hard for me to hear her say that, but I also understand. I have felt that way many times since my divorce.

 

The good news for you is you are so young and have lots of time to have fun. Date, don't date but the bottom line is to have fun and enjoy your life.

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i am 23 and I am currently taking a break from finding a guy. I worked in an office with all females for three years up until last year so I really didn't know any guys and the guys I do know are from High School and I don't keep in contact with them anymore so I tried online dating on and off for those three years and a bit before prior to that I think.

 

I know a lot of people have found love from online dating, but for me it has been a jinxed situation. Most of the guys I interacted with just seemed to want a casual relationship or just wanted to see if I would send them nudes or sext with them. Other guys I spoke to sounded like they needed to be in a mental institution honestly lol. I spoke to a few guys who were actually genuine, but unfortunately they lived too far away. It didn't matter what site I went on whether it was free or a paid site I would still come across the same guys.

 

Yeah so Online Dating hasn't worked for me so I've given up on that, I hope in the future I'll meet a guy the old fashioned way, but for now I'm not worrying too much about finding love. I've got other hobbies and things to throw myself into, If I find love then great, but for right now I'm just going to take a break and relax. I try to remember that whatever will be will be.

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"I have not told anyone this but a few close friends/family. I hate talking about this at all. And it was caused by, guess what? Extreme stress levels due to my dating setbacks."

 

This honestly made me want to give you a hug.

 

Look, you cannot keep looking at dating the way you would your career, financial status, or other broad areas of your life that have some specific timeframes of 'expectation.' Dating is not about doing things a specific way. It's like finding friends, or being accepted by family. Your friends and family love you, even if you do or say goofy things sometimes or don't fit certain societal norms, correct?

 

This is about experimenting, finding someone who fits into your life the same way, but with the romantic side included. It's not easy to find, because if it were super easy to find then people would be leaping from one person to the next rather than committing to a relationship that ACTUALLY fits them. I'm not saying that we all have a soul mate and just one magical person who works, but I can attest that finding someone who really fits and doesn't add stress to your life - but actually helps you feel stronger, the way your family and friends should - is difficult to find and nearly IMPOSSIBLE to find if you go about it with the intensity and pressure you are.

 

Do three things: 1. Stop. (I repeat) STOP. Aging. Yourself. : STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW OLD YOU ARE AND HOW PEOPLE OLDER THAN YOU DID/DIDN'T FIND SOMEONE AND WHATEVER OTHER NONSENSE YOU KEEP READING ABOUT ON THE INTERWEBS. 2. Stop dating. Just stop. Start really talking to a therapist about how you want to shove away anyone with romantic potential - don't get involved with ANYone until you feel ready to embrace what can come with relationships again. and 3. Don't make any huge life-long declarations about 'giving up on love.' It's not something you need to decide to permanently give up on, and that doesn't help you at all. Decide to give up on worrying about it and take it all one day at a time, and start enjoying the relationships in your life right now that don't give you ulcers.

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Time for YOU to stop worrying about all of this.. totally!

 

I am in mid 40's and have had a few relationships over the last 25 yrs.

 

If you're that steemed up over all of this.. then don't go there. No reason to 'search' for anyone. MY brother had a rough go * break up with a long term gal and after that. he went 8 yrs without any involvement with another woman.

He kept to himself and lived his life.. happily.

 

A little over a year ago, he did meet a wonderful woman who complements his Life well. They've recently married.

 

I thinkt people expect a relationship & partner to be handed to them.. and just keep searching for 'the one'.

 

If it's going to happen, it will.. in time. Stop searching... just carry on with Life.

 

If you do happen to come across an interest.. there's not much you can do.. right? lol

What i do suggest is maybe you can try some therapy to help you if you find so many things affecting you so negatively?

I'm doing that.. and yes it does help.

 

BUT.. yes, I too am at the point where I have stopped 'looking' and am now just settling back to be with my kids & pets. I will be fine!

 

No matter what Life hands us... we can make it okay!

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It's ok to take a break from dating or trying to find someone. It's ok to get burned out and just lay back for a while. You can resume when your head and heart are up for it again.

 

I like this advice the best for this post. I came on this forum to revisit a thread I typed up over a year ago, when I was worried about some conflicts in my relationship... after three and a half years, it did indeed end, and I'm realizing that the feedback everyone gave me about our mismatching values and the fundamental issue of his selfishness and lack of generosity were true all along. I should have listened to the advice of the enotalone community.

 

He dumped me extremely suddenly in January after convincing me that he was saving for a house for us (his excuse for not putting more into the relationship financially despite his far greater income). Just a month prior, my mom treated us both to a nice dinner, and he introduced me to his family who was visiting from overseas... three weeks before dumping me, he wrote me a card saying, "I can't imagine my life without you." I didn't see the breakup coming. During the breakup he acted extremely cruel and uncaring, as if I'd never known him.

 

Now, a few months later, I'm past the crying all day, extreme depression and I'm moving on with my life. I'm making huge positive changes. I'm traveling for a month in Europe this summer. I'm moving forward in my career and taking steps to become healthier and destress my life. But the one thing I'm struggling with is what you've written about here. I truly don't believe in love anymore. I said this at the instant we broke up, and I had hoped it would disappate. But I am having a super hard time letting it go. I feel exactly like you, OP. I feel like it's not worth it. I don't know how or why I would go through the extremely painful process of learning to trust and be intimate with someone only for them to blindside me. I thought I would be able to see something like this coming, but apparently I was blinded to major issues, was naive and fooled by his apologies, and now I doubt my own successful ability to be in a relationship.

 

I genuinely think love is something we all want desperately because we hope that it fixes us deep inside, but I don't think it's real or exists anymore. I think very few humans are capable of staying or accompanying partners through every season of life while also being kind and honest. I know I am, but I am sensitive, as it sounds like you are, and the risk of being with someone again who hurts me this deeply is completely too much to handle.

 

I expressed this to a couple trusted people and they basically just told me, wait til your heart heals again. Maybe that's true. Maybe it isn't. But I do believe there is more to life than love. There is fulfillment found in friendships, in family, in your work and what you do. Many great people live their whole lives without a partner, and still manage to have fulfilling experiences.

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As a side note, I can't help but take a jab at the fact that you posted in one of my threads that one can't give up. And yet here we are.

 

Haha, good one. Have you ever watched "In Treatment" before? It was a show about this guy that was a therapist. And he used to go to a therapist himself because he was bad at solving his own problems. Well, that's kind of how I am. From friends I have made on these boards, I tend to be VERY spot on about other peoples problems. I can really read in between the lines. I've took tones of writing classes in college, and I'm even minoring in security, where I have learned to read terrorist/surveillance reports. I can tell if people are bull-crapping from a mile away just by how they write words. Sometimes I feel I would be a good therapist, lol. If only I didn't commit to a major in the IT industry...

 

I don't have problem telling other people how to potentially fix problems. It's my own problems that I have trouble dealing with. I think, with myself as well as others, when we make decisions about ourselves, we do so using emotions. By the way, I also studied "decision theory" in college. There are some amazing studies/research out there about humans make decisions. I actually wrote a lot of open discussions in there (that classmates read) about my problems in dating, that dating is one of the things I can't make clear and concise decisions about because I am making them using emotions. Emotions can cloud judgement and make decision making more difficult. When I tell other people how to solve problems, I'm not using emotions, at least not from a romantic perspective or from as "clouded" of a perspective. Furthermore, with "romantic related" decisions, we are dealing with very powerful parts, or should I say, functions of the brain: /

 

Just as falling for someone produces "feel good" chemicals like dopamine, when we don't have those kinds of things, our brain has a polar-opposite effect on us. Dopamine levels drop, and it makes us feel sad, depressed, and upset. I think this is somehow how my stomach ailment came on. The brain really dictates how we physically feel when dealing with love, not just how we want to feel or think we feel. People with too love of a dopamine level, they are they kind that develop addictions.

 

Anyway, that's enough of the science lesson. I appreciate all the replies and optimistic people here. I have talked with some friends about this today too. I think my more logical way to approach this problem of mind is not to "give up" on allowing myself to fall in love with someone. But to keep living my life and, if and when that person comes along, it should happen. But that's easier said than done.

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Haha, good one. Have you ever watched "In Treatment" before? It was a show about this guy that was a therapist. And he used to go to a therapist himself because he was bad at solving his own problems. Well, that's kind of how I am. From friends I have made on these boards, I tend to be VERY spot on about other peoples problems. I can really read in between the lines. I've took tones of writing classes in college, and I'm even minoring in security, where I have learned to read terrorist/surveillance reports. I can tell if people are bull-crapping from a mile away just by how they write words. Sometimes I feel I would be a good therapist, lol. If only I didn't commit to a major in the IT industry...

 

I don't have problem telling other people how to potentially fix problems. It's my own problems that I have trouble dealing with. I think, with myself as well as others, when we make decisions about ourselves, we do so using emotions. By the way, I also studied "decision theory" in college. There are some amazing studies/research out there about humans make decisions. I actually wrote a lot of open discussions in there (that classmates read) about my problems in dating, that dating is one of the things I can't make clear and concise decisions about because I am making them using emotions. Emotions can cloud judgement and make decision making more difficult. When I tell other people how to solve problems, I'm not using emotions, at least not from a romantic perspective or from as "clouded" of a perspective. Furthermore, with "romantic related" decisions, we are dealing with very powerful parts, or should I say, functions of the brain: /

 

Just as falling for someone produces "feel good" chemicals like dopamine, when we don't have those kinds of things, our brain has a polar-opposite effect on us. Dopamine levels drop, and it makes us feel sad, depressed, and upset. I think this is somehow how my stomach ailment came on. The brain really dictates how we physically feel when dealing with love, not just how we want to feel or think we feel. People with too love of a dopamine level, they are they kind that develop addictions.

 

Anyway, that's enough of the science lesson. I appreciate all the replies and optimistic people here. I have talked with some friends about this today too. I think my more logical way to approach this problem of mind is not to "give up" on allowing myself to fall in love with someone. But to keep living my life and, if and when that person comes along, it should happen. But that's easier said than done.

 

I know that situation very well, being able to troubleshoot someone else's problem while struggling with my own. While we work in different fields, it does sound like we both struggle because we are so used to problem solving that does not involve emotions. I have yet to see a single case where getting all emotional was helpful in figuring out some engineering or project timeline issues, usually it only sabotages an entire meeting because the moment people get aggravated or emotionally invested in an idea, our brains are wired to give priority to snap decisions and suppress critical thinking.

 

And like you say, love is not the only source of this "dopamine high" and as long as one doesn't get it through drugs, I believe there are 'safe', alternative sources. Doing things that you are passionate for, the feeling of (justified) pride when you achieve something, helping out others. I've recently started a collaboration cosplay project because a friend of mine has great ideas but not the necessary skillset to bring them to life. This way I'll be handling part of the engineering/production tasks while the design will be more of a 50/50 split. I can't emphasize how good it feels to help someone turn their ideas into real, palpable results.

 

I'm still torn on the idea of being open to romance in case it somehow comes to me while I'm not looking. With how unlikely that is, I probably shouldn't bother with the idea. As guys, we are expected to do all of the approaching and as soon as you stop that, in face of all the previous rejections, the odds of a female approaching you are rather slim. I guess it's a waste of time similar to making plans for spending lottery winnings when I buy a single ticket every five years or being anxious about a lightning strike.

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