ragdoll15 Posted November 6, 2016 Author Share Posted November 6, 2016 I wanted to hear you say the right words, and you said all of them. But I've heard you say the same things before. I don't know why I can't let go of hope. You're all I've ever wanted. But I can't ask you to grow up or see things from my point of view. I haven't even figured out yet what part of me was the reason why we always broke up. I'm so badly delusional that I want us to be the exception to everything. I don't want us to be just a number either. You're special to me too. Link to comment
ragdoll15 Posted November 13, 2016 Author Share Posted November 13, 2016 Struggling tonight. Feeling so alone and afraid of the future. This is exhausting and I want to move on. I feel crushed and I can't stop thinking about how much I want him to hold me. Link to comment
ragdoll15 Posted November 20, 2016 Author Share Posted November 20, 2016 I shouldn't have believed that we had a future together. I can't forgive you for what you've done, D. Link to comment
ragdoll15 Posted November 27, 2016 Author Share Posted November 27, 2016 I'm hurting. I'm hurting and I don't think you are at all. It's like you're happy without me but I'm still here and I'm madly in love with you. I don't want to check up on you anymore. We're not even on speaking terms, and yet I keep looking for hints on social media that you still love me. I know you don't. I'm the one stupid enough to keep picking and opening this wound over and over. It's like a disease and an addiction and I can't stop. I badly, badly want to be over you. But in my worst hours I still think of you as my home and because of that I hate you for it. Because you made all of this happen. Link to comment
ragdoll15 Posted December 10, 2016 Author Share Posted December 10, 2016 I loved the **** out of you Devin. But you didn't love me. Link to comment
ragdoll15 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Share Posted December 13, 2016 I don't want you to have this hold on me anymore. I don't want to feel unhinged by you. I don't want this fear and the hope that I feel when you tell me all of the things I want to hear. I don't want to have to choose to leave you again because you didn't want to love me enough. Link to comment
ragdoll15 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 You're right. It was my fault that you screamed at me, called me "pathetic" and "selfish", and beat your fists on the wall as though you were hitting me. It was my fault because I kept coming back to you against all reason. Link to comment
notalady Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 It's sad to read that you started the journal a year ago and still stuck here. Not sure what advice I could give that you haven't already recognised yourself, that about self esteem and how people either respond to affection or antipathy, and if you had higher self esteem, it probably wouldn't even have lasted a month. I highly recommend watching Matthew Hussey's videos. He says a lot of things in really simple terms that make a lot of sense, and are just downright spot on. Not sure if it will help but I find it really good. About "unrequited love": / About closure: / About closure (at about 6min) About "the one": / Actually I think a lot of women on ENA would benefit from really understanding and following what's said in these videos.. Link to comment
ragdoll15 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Share Posted June 8, 2017 I did the last thing I could do, but despite the humiliation I can say that I did my best and can finally attempt to move on starting today without any regrets. I hope that I never have to come back here and write about you again. You were by far the person who's caused the most damage, hurt, and turmoil in my life. Link to comment
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