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Finding happiness


ragdoll15

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I wanted to hear you say the right words, and you said all of them. But I've heard you say the same things before.

 

I don't know why I can't let go of hope. You're all I've ever wanted.

 

But I can't ask you to grow up or see things from my point of view. I haven't even figured out yet what part of me was the reason why we always broke up. I'm so badly delusional that I want us to be the exception to everything. I don't want us to be just a number either. You're special to me too.

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I'm hurting. I'm hurting and I don't think you are at all. It's like you're happy without me but I'm still here and I'm madly in love with you. I don't want to check up on you anymore. We're not even on speaking terms, and yet I keep looking for hints on social media that you still love me. I know you don't. I'm the one stupid enough to keep picking and opening this wound over and over. It's like a disease and an addiction and I can't stop. I badly, badly want to be over you. But in my worst hours I still think of you as my home and because of that I hate you for it. Because you made all of this happen.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't want you to have this hold on me anymore. I don't want to feel unhinged by you. I don't want this fear and the hope that I feel when you tell me all of the things I want to hear. I don't want to have to choose to leave you again because you didn't want to love me enough.

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  • 5 months later...

You're right. It was my fault that you screamed at me, called me "pathetic" and "selfish", and beat your fists on the wall as though you were hitting me. It was my fault because I kept coming back to you against all reason.

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It's sad to read that you started the journal a year ago and still stuck here. Not sure what advice I could give that you haven't already recognised yourself, that about self esteem and how people either respond to affection or antipathy, and if you had higher self esteem, it probably wouldn't even have lasted a month.

 

I highly recommend watching Matthew Hussey's videos. He says a lot of things in really simple terms that make a lot of sense, and are just downright spot on. Not sure if it will help but I find it really good.

 

About "unrequited love":

/

 

About closure:

/

 

About closure (at about 6min)

 

 

About "the one":

/

 

Actually I think a lot of women on ENA would benefit from really understanding and following what's said in these videos..

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I did the last thing I could do, but despite the humiliation I can say that I did my best and can finally attempt to move on starting today without any regrets. I hope that I never have to come back here and write about you again. You were by far the person who's caused the most damage, hurt, and turmoil in my life.

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