is this normal?

[Daydreamer0389]

So my best friend of 12 years is moving back down to our hometown after being gone for about 7 years. He's always been a great friend, always there for me and he asked me for a favor. He's arriving next weekend by plane to our hometown, except his belongings are in a city about 4hrs away. He asked if I could drive up with him to get his stuff, we would be leaving at 3am, arriving early and coming back that same day late afternoon. I agreed without hesitation, this guy was practically like a brother to me.

 

The problem: My boyfriend of 8 years, whom I live with, thinks this isn't what people in relationships do. He was upset that I didn't talk to him first ( I can understand that ) but he says even if I would have he would have not wanted me to go. My boyfriend can be incredibly paranoid, he thinks of every possible scenario in which something terrible could happen. He's arguing that he won't be able to sleep or think, he has stomach issues, and he says I'm not single anymore.

 

He's so stubborn and it's been incredibly stressful having this guilt trip on me, I just feel like I should be able to make decisions for myself when it comes to things like this. I love him, but I'm my own person and he doesn't get that. I have no idea how else I could try talking to him without him taking offense to it. Im with him all the time, I hardly see my friends, and I'm not asking to go party.. I mean, really should I even be having to ask? Out of respect, I would. But a lot of it has to do with him making me feel like he's trying to control my life, I love that he cares, but sometimes I need to make mistakes or go through things on my own.

 

How can I make him understand that this isn't to hurt him? if I'm wrong let me know. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Movingforward3]

I think you are fine. You should have run this by your s/o before you agreed, but it shouldn't be a big deal. Just tell him you understand his feelings and in the future you will let him know,

 

On the flip side, I would tell anyone in a relationship with me that I am an adult and i don't need permission to do something. If I do, there is a problem!

[TMifune]

Are you asking:

 

Is it normal to drop everything to drive 8+ hours with a guy who's sexual / romantically interested in me despite my boyfriend's strenuous objections?

 

or are you asking:

 

Is it normal for my boyfriend to be upset that I want to spend a full day away with a guy who's sexually / romantically interested in me?

 

I love him, but I'm my own person and he doesn't get that.

 

It's not about being your own person. He's expressing his boundaries. It's completely up to you whether you respect them or not. It's not about "asking permission" it's about you knowing that your decision is going to cause him pain and anxiety and wanting want you want without regard to his feelings. You can do anything you want to do.....but you can't necessarily do everything you want and at the same time maintain a relationship.

 

I love that he cares, but sometimes I need to make mistakes or go through things on my own.

 

So you recognize that this trip is probably a bad idea, but you want to go on it anyway?

 

Let me ask you this.....What guy calls their female friend to come help them get a bunch of heavy stuff?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he is jealous about the friendship and not to thrilled about this specific request. How do your friend and your Bf get along? It's not about "permission" and asserting your "freedoms". It's about communication and respecting feelings. Your bf shouldn't be pouting about this or take it as a slight.

 

Not all couples see eye to eye on opposite-sex best friends. For example, your boyfriend may think he should be your best friend. The more you stamp your feet the worse this will get. What about a compromise? For example could you help your friend in a way that is not a all day trip? Or ask your bf to join you. Also invite this friend over for a barbecue on a weekend with some other friends.

My boyfriend of 8 years, whom I live with. he says I'm not single anymore.

[j.man]

If I Had to guess, this is much less about the drive itself and much more about the lengths you're willing to go to for a man who's now going to be moving back into the same town as you and your guy. He likely anticipating that boundaries are going to be tested beyond just this incident.

 

Personally, I don't see any harm in a day-time road trip to fetch the guy's things. But I can understand your boyfriend being a bit insecure with this guy now physically entering the picture.

 

You two will have to sit down and talk in detail about boundaries. You're well entitled to be your own person, but you both need to know where each other stands.

[Daydreamer0389]

@tmifune The friend I'm helping is gay, he just wants me to make the trip with him for company and to spend time since its been awhile. My boyfriend has met this person and has no insecurity about me being friends with him, it's a 4 hour trip - we would be leaving pretty late/early though.. But it wouldnt even be a full day that I would be gone.

[lostandhurt]

This is a friend not an ex lover so the fact that he is a male shouldn't matter but it does for some and in this case your bf.

 

I agree 100% with jman.

 

There may be times when you do things your bf isn't thrilled with but he has to learn to trust you and have trust in the love you both share for each other. Controlling you will only damage that love.

 

Sit down with your bf and remind him how much you love and cherish him and your relationship and that you would never do anything to ruin what you have. If he still has issues with the road trip there are bigger problems on your doorstep than this once the old friend settles in. This kind of insecurity will only cause problems.

 

You could invite your bf along so he and the old friend could get to know each other better.

 

Lost

 

Edit: If the guy is gay then exactly what is your bf issues? You aren't allowed to drive without his permission?

[Wiseman2]

So what is your bf's objection?

The friend I'm helping is gay. it's a 4 hour trip - we would be leaving pretty late/early though.

[DancingFool]

If the guy was straight, I can see how your bf might be unsettled with you suddenly jumping and running to help this guy out and take off on a road trip. Being that he is gay......what exactly is your bf upset about? Only thing that comes to mind is some resentment from the past where maybe you rejected doing something for your bf but are willing to jump and run for just a friend.

 

He is partially right that you should have talked before agreeing. It's not about asking permission, it's about communication and making sure you are both on the same page. He has a point that you are not single and can't act like a single person without consideration for your SO. On the other hand, discussing your plans doesn't mean that he gets to veto them.

 

Personally, I think you need to sit him down and have a long heart to heart on what your mutual expectations are and what his issue is with this particular trip. If at the end of that you still feel like he is being controlling and just causing a problem for the sake of causing a problem, then maybe you need to rethink this relationship.

[j.man]

If he's gay, then I'm baffled. Way back, I had a girlfriend whose best friend was a guy who was gay and we did have boundary issues because the dude was obsessed with squeezing her boobs and they'd have cuddle sessions, but I can't think of a single reason he should be insecure about you to going on a mini-road trip to fetch his things.

[Daydreamer0389]

I ask him and he says that's just the way he is, he says he's "old school" and thinks the man should have the last say on everything. I feel like it's a control issue, which he says it's not and that he would be fine if I were to help him anywhere in our city but going out of town is stressful on him because he's going to be worried the whole time. I get it, and I've always respected him, I don't hardly ask for anything. I don't want to stress him out but I also don't want to not live my life because he's worried something will happen. Is that selfish?

[DancingFool]

I ask him and he says that's just the way he is, he says he's "old school" and thinks the man should have the last say on everything. I feel like it's a control issue, which he says it's not and that he would be fine if I were to help him anywhere in our city but going out of town is stressful on him because he's going to be worried the whole time. I get it, and I've always respected him, I don't hardly ask for anything. I don't want to stress him out but I also don't want to not live my life because he's worried something will happen. Is that selfish?

 

He has severe control issue and he is emotionally blackmailing you into submission by making it out like you are responsible for his issues. No, you are not selfish, he is bat shaite nuts. Sorry, but you need to rethink if this is really the kind of relationship you want to be in. You are not in the wrong, your bf is.

[Wiseman2]

You're not "stressing" him. Discussion with a partner is one thing but can you live with his "old school" ways?

[melancholy123]

Is there another friend who can go along for the ride with you and this guy? Preferably female. I too think your bf is a control freak and I dont think you are stressing him, he's stressing himself. You are indeed your own person and if you want to go on a drive with this guy then you should do it. You may want to rethink your relationship with your bf.

[Ms Darcy]

I ask him and he says that's just the way he is, he says he's "old school" and thinks the man should have the last say on everything.

 

Then I think you have wasted a lot of years in a relationship with a man who fundamentally has a different set of values than you.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have made it past a year in a relationship with this man.

[lostandhurt]

He isn't worried, he is a control freak that thinks he should have the final say in anything HIS WOMAN does.

 

Go on the trip with your friend, help him and enjoy yourself. When you say good bye to your bf these should be the last words he hears out of your mouth until you get back.

 

"We need to have a long talk when I get back" That will give him plenty to worry about while you are gone.

 

 

Lost

[catfeeder]

Do you live with BF? You've been isolating yourself from friends, and that's not good or 'normal', no.